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The Cop Says, "Good evening, sir, you were doing 60 in a 50 mph zone."
The Guy says, "No I wasn't." The wife turns to him and says, "Yes, dear, you were." The man says, "Why don't you shut up?"
Then the cop says, "You also didn't have your seatbelt on sir." Naturally, the guy says, "Sure I had it on." Again the woman says, "No honey, you didn't." The man turns around and yells to the woman, "I told you to SHUT UP!"
Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "Excuse me ma'am but is this your husband?"
The woman says, "Yes."
"Is he always this mean and rude with you?"
The woman says, "No
officer, only when He is DRUNK."
A couple drove several
miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had
led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they
passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...?""
replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to
work a little late at the office tonight...'"
A Provocative Dietary Aid Backfires
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no,"
she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
She Was Cheating With His Best Friend
A man feeling very
depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the
bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy
drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man
replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second
triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on
the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender
asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife",
the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that
we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about
your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in
the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"
How He Always Gets the Last Word
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery.
I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.'"
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my
freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners
with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything,"
"I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good,"
or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what
my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that
it is there waiting.
Pack Your Bags - I Won the Lottery!
A woman gets home, Screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter, just get the hell out of here."
Back to the Top
Ordering Breakfast Away from Home
John, looking as if
he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant one morning and sat
down at a table. Said to the waitress, "Bring me two eggs
fried hard, a slice of toast burned to a cinder, and a cup of very
Charley Suddenly Starts Helping Around the House
Mary's husband was
incurably lazy. They both worked full time, but he never did anything
around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was
His Last Wish is for Her to Marry Joe
John was on his deathbed
and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
The Wedding Thought Process Revealed
Men and women have
two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the
morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to
be at the altar.
There's Water in the Carburetor
My wife came home
yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what
the problem is."
Dave Seems Awfully Well Known at the Strip Club
Dave works hard at
the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling,
playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he
is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a
local strip club.
There are several
men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and
the following conversation ensues:
A man came home from
a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting
for him with a rolling pin.
She Dreams of a Pearl Necklace
After she woke up,
a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl
necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
Last summer, when
the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband
that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.
What She'd Do to the 'Other Woman'
asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman
fooling around with your husband?"
A husband and wife
were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.
There was an old guy
wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"
It was a terrible
night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were
deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little
man slipped through the door.
Two Aspirin for Her 25th Anniversary Gift
On their way home
after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband
for a wonderful evening.
He Has Tickets to Oliver Twist
A young couple had
just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new
apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in
the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play
in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have
A Preemptive Strike Leads to Divorce
"And what was
the culmination of events that led you to file this action?" asked
the man's attorney at the divorce hearing.
The wife approaches
her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their
asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
Her Husband Always Complains About the Food
Two women were discussing
marriage, and one said, "We've been married ten years, and every
night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining
about the food."
Mary Clancy's Husband Passes Away
Mary Clancy goes up
to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
Never Heard of Falling Out of Stupid
During a friendly
argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I
was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that,
I requested an explanation.
A couple is taking
a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman
leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides
he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls
down into the well.
Mourning for His Wife's First Husband
A man placed some
flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
Divorce in Dubai is Now Much Easier
UNITED ARAB EMIRATES
- A whole new arena of marital law has been ushered into existence. In
the Gulf emirate of Dubai men can now use mobile phone text messages to
divorce their wives. Under strict interpretation of Islamic law, a man
can divorce his wife simply by saying "I divorce thee" three
times. Islamic religious scholars have now decreed that a text message
is a valid way of ending a marriage. The ruling follows a case in which
a woman received a text message from her husband saying: "You are
divorced because you are late."
A couple just started
their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband
to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be
pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't
feel so bad."
A man walks into a
pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him
and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a
box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A
few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
Would Like to Be Six Again