The Cop Says, "Good evening, sir, you were doing 60 in a 50 mph zone."

The Guy says, "No I wasn't."  The wife turns to him and says, "Yes, dear, you were."  The man says, "Why don't you shut up?"

Then the cop says, "You also didn't have your seatbelt on sir."  Naturally, the guy says, "Sure I had it on."  Again the woman says, "No honey, you  didn't."  The man turns around and yells to the woman, "I told you to SHUT UP!"

Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "Excuse me ma'am but is this your husband?" 

The woman says, "Yes." 

"Is he always this mean and rude with you?" 

The woman says, "No officer, only when He is DRUNK."
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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
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The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
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I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
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A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"
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Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery.

I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.'"
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I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
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A woman gets home, Screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!" 

John, looking as if he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant one morning and sat down at  a table. Said to the waitress, "Bring me two eggs  fried hard, a slice of toast burned to a cinder,  and a cup of very weak coffee."

As she set the order in front of him, she asked,  "Anything else, sir?"

"Yes," he answered, "now sit down and nag me. I'm homesick."
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Mary's husband was incurably lazy.  They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.

"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said.  "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said.  "Charley was too tired."
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.   

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
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Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife to be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do.
 
"All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
 
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat...

"Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him."
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My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.

"Okay, honey, that's fine," I said. "I'll go take a look... where is it?"

She replied, "In the lake."
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Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
* Hello?
* Honey, It's me.
* Sugar!
* Are you at the club?
* Yes.
* Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?
* What's the price?
* Only $1,500.00
* Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...
* Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
last year...
* What price did he quote you?
* Only $60,000...
* OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
* Great!, before we hang up, something else...
* What?
* It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...
* How much are they asking?
* Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...
* Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?
* OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!
* Bye... I do too...
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
* Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically.

"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush."
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks.
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"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"

"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
 
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
 
She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
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There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."
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It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door.

He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
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On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening. 

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills, "what in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!"
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A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."
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"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action?" asked the man's attorney at the divorce hearing.

"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband. "But the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."

"Why? What happened?"

"She said, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'"
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The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
 
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
 
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
 
"That's right." she replied. "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
 
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"
 
"Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
 
She giggles, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. Now it's 50 years later and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
 
He looks her up and down and says, "Mission accomplished."
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"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
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Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful.  Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Not in the slightest."

Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"

To which, the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
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During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
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A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well.

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it WORKS!"
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - A whole new arena of marital law has been ushered into existence. In the Gulf emirate of Dubai men can now use mobile phone text messages to divorce their wives. Under strict interpretation of Islamic law, a man can divorce his wife simply by saying "I divorce thee" three times. Islamic religious scholars have now decreed that a text message is a valid way of ending a marriage. The ruling follows a case in which a woman received a text message from her husband saying: "You are divorced because you are late."
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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE"