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and After Marriage
Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their
vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with
their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and
she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her
friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied,
Todd walked into a flower shop early one morning.
You Swap Me for Season Tickets?
and his near-deaf wife are driving to Florida on vacation from northern
Illinois traveling through Indiana on the freeway. Unaware they
are going over the speed limit, a policeman pulls them over.
She Carries His Photo in Her Handbag
Gets Him a Bullfrog that Gives Blowjobs
check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse.
a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much
at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided
not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the
night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling
to me on her hands and knees."
may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known
as a honeymooner.
Irish girl finally got her fiancé to the altar two weeks before Easter.
On their wedding night, she put on a very short, sexy nightgown and crawled
into bed. But her husband didn't respond.
husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his
wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist,
provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers
to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your
to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who
has inherited the house and kids.)
Cyclone Hits Their House...
A bride called
to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected,
that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes,
linen colors, etc.). The Customer Service Representative asked if she
wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
and his fiancée Mary met with the to discuss their marriage vows.
man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores.
One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read:
"Martha Stewart doesn't live here."
On an airplane,
I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me.
Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight
attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the
women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one.
Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
Confused by his buddy's comment, Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"
"Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"
name never came up," she replied.
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
" Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her
Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
A guy had a major argument with his wife. He thought maybe he was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away and cooling off, the guy reconsidered his position and realized he was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty about all the trauma he had caused. So to make it up to his wife he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," she replied, "You really don't have to do this, you know. But if you insist, just get me something really expensive that I don't need."
day he booked her for chemotherapy.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone in the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
Another person asked, "Did it save time?"
replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to
get breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten."
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile,
put them back."
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where
you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let
me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one
wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You
must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
A lady and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking them some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the volunteer asked the husband sweetly.
wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to
several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Every
This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nag who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self-esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime.
He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity. His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"
"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"
"I understand. Go take a bath and I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie. Then you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?"
He decided to not make it worse and agreed with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading read, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION."
She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing the great news would really lift his spirits. So she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.
She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"
same old story," he shook his head. "First you're nice and then
it's bitch, bitch, bitch!"
Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed by Sam, his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked Morris the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Morris, "I'm sure that I am."
long and carefully now," said Sherry's father.
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her
left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet
tall, 178 pounds!"
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Ole walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for Lena. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".
"Yu see, it goes like dis. Yesterday, I sent Lena to da store to
get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home vith a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers. So, I figured dat if I haff to roll my own, SO
After the big SuperBowl party, John figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks into the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says John.
know," the wife says, "It happens before the two-minute warning."
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied,
"Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asked, "Honey, what do you think about the Middle East position."
replied, "I don't know, have we already tried it?"
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.
looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the
only one who has to."
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed.
know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have
heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
A woman accompanied
her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores or discuss your problems with him - it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, you have to increase your frequency of intimacy. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
said you're going to die," she replied.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as
a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my
guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back
up there again."
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
"Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars
is ten dollars."
This fellow walked into a pharmacy and asked for a vial of cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry, Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I can't sell you any cyanide."
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
takes a look at the photo, blushes and replies, "I'm sorry, Sir.
I didn't realize you had a prescription."