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A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a time?' "
His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"
"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"
"He used to."
"What made him stop ?"
day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that
At a marriage retreat, Aimee and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Aimee wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another, and they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'
'I love sex.'
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Christmas cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 foot display for hundreds of cards astounded him.
He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, we do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
sir. They're called darts."
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail!"
"Yes I do," she replied.
another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle
in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
A man was showing his friend a new set of matching golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked.
The man said,
"A new matching bicycle and lawn mower."
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool tonight?" he asked.
a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell
him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're
not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."
John was tasked with taking the Christmas decorations up to the attic for another year's storage. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind.
His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.
She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"
"No, no, I'm fine."
just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my
decorations? Are any of them broken?"
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
funeral director," said his wife.
A man was
sitting in his attorney's office.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out : 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."
"Cured him?!" asked the woman, "But how?"
said, "His name is Ted."
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as
he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
Are you wearing THAT?
What are you so worked up about?
Should you be eating that?
What did you DO all day?
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb and yells, "Fuck!"
"Get the bag. Get the bag."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
"Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill and a few Pike. But why didn't
you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you?"
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
"Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors
know I'm not beating you."
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short
pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife."
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cut her off and reassured her, "I know, I know, I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I
can still mow the lawn."
Tired of being rejected, the husband walked into the bedroom after the wife went to bed. He handed her two pills and told her, "Here, take these."
She asked, "What are these?"
He told her, "They're aspirins."
"But," she said with a quizzical look, "I don't have a headache."
he replies, "Good, let's fuck."
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like the government is going to cut the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."
the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss
your mother when she's gone."
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."
I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."
The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce.
that somebody should go visit him at home to see how he was doing.
The place looks fine except for one thing, a tampon on top of Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets the best of him.
"Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the television?"
that's just to remind me that the cunt took the VCR."
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven
came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have
a wonderful system at the fire station:
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, it's time for deep insertion."
night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled, "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers 7 come 11 all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the
slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore
dick and an ass full of quarters."
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!