Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed. Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" "The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked. "No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon. Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup. Two
weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife
about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor.
Ray peed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then,
as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops
of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, and even added a few drops
of his personal semen. He shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and
handed the bottle to the nurse. This time the analysis took an entire
hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All
right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant,
your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't
stop playing with yourself, that tennis elbow is never going to heal." An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm
down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've
fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!" From a book called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered. Some of the best follow: © 1981 AAMT
t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe
t: Patient is a prime rib.
t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.
t: Very close veins
t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.
t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.
This is a collective from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and a doctor or two at major hospitals. - Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. - The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. - The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. - Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. - Exam of genitalia
reveals that he is circus sized. - The
patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out
of gas and crashed. Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800s in Missouri
A few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms (to prove that fact is stranger than fiction) A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!". At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt-luck supper". An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. A young female
came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning
the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy
test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young
female's room. A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?" A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." While acquainting
myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By
the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house." A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I
can't piss out of it." the man replied. A doctor
had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He
was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought
it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. A woman
was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date nor sex
in quite some time. She was afraid that she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't
smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have
a cigar shoved up my ass." A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the
door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse! I said a BUTT
LIGHT!" The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." "Oh. Well, in
that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression,
"I have some bad news for you." A Gynecologist Decides to Change Professions... A Gynecologist decides
to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he
goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes
the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score
he received - 200%, so he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor
tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for
putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all
through the muffler. A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live." The patient is shocked, "Jeez! What's the good news then, doctor?" The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" The patient says, "Yes." The doctor smiles
and replies, "I'm fucking her!" It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about
calling a doctor, I'm already here." A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked
over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and
finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise
men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it!" An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "He was your
doctor." A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc
replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers
so you don't piss in your eye." A Proctologist Walks into a Bank A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake,
he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's
great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!" The Voluptuous Blonde at the Dentist The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. "Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth, "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled." "Well, miss,"
said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I
adjust the chair." "No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick." A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse,"
came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead." One cold winter's day a lady midget hobbled into a doctor's office. After waiting her turn for an hour, she finally got in to see the doctor and reported that she was suffering from a severe irritation between the legs. "Is the pain a constant one?" he asked. "No," she said. "I notice it mostly when I go out on cold, snowy days." "Well, sit up on this table and let's examine you," said the doctor. He instructed her to lift her skirt, studied the situation, then produced a pair of medical shears from among his instruments. While she waited fearfully, he began snipping. "Aren't you going to use an anesthetic?" she asked. "That won't be necessary," he reassured her. "All right, he said at last. "Get down from the table and try walking now." She did so, and reported, amazed, "Why I feel wonderful! What did you do?" "It was simple,"
said the doctor, "I just cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes." A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know,"
said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia." A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call. "Fifty dollars," muttered the sleepy physician. "How much is an office visit?" asked the caller. "Twenty-five dollars." "Okay, Doc, I'll
meet you in your office in fifteen minutes." After the Third He Feels Like Fainting The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor: "After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal." "Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor. "How can I do
that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third." A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured
the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump
on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic." A Strange Request from his Dentist Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." Dentist: "There
are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss
the 5 o'clock football game." Her First Appointment with her New Doctor A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones,"
he said finally, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have
never undergone an eye examination." A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves? "She said, "No." "Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to their hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later,
during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst
out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly
thought about how they must make condoms! "I think I have a problem, Doc." says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me!" "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed. Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too." Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea. "Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicle-less, he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!" "What?" "Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?" So, the doctor examines
the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know, but I think
it could be the jeans?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple minutes of silence, they follow suit. The second thing is
that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger
into the corpse's ass, but I licked my index." Dr. Kellogg
(of cornflake fame) suggested, "A remedy for masturbation which is
almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation
should be performed without administering anesthetic, as the brief pain
attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially,
if it is connected with the idea of punishment, as
it may well be in some cases." Jim Gets His Coffee Administered by Enema Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat. She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition." "Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw. "We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth." But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema." She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up. "Is it too hot?" the nurse asked. "No, but could
you please put some sugar in it?" Different Examination Techniques An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well,"
said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue." A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like
you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve
it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr, Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed "Hysterias and Posteriors". The Doctors didn't like that idea, and suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". The town didn't like that one either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives
and Anal-retentives." None of these satisfied
one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr Smith &
Dr Jones, Odds & Ends" A Veterinarian Goes to Her Doctor A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, squeezed her here and there, and then wrote out a prescription. "There you are. Of course, if that
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." Q: What is the difference
between a genealogist and a gynecologist? Always make sure the proctologist has only one hand on your waist while probing. What
advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation? A patient
complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none
of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor
took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and
some bad news." Grave- n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the doctor. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary When the doctor called Mrs. Lieberman to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." A man
is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son,
the surgeon. Q: If
tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees,
what do gynecologists get? A Surgeon's Disregard for Appearance During
my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency
room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable
medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident
and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The Difference Between Blue Shield and an HMO Two men are in a doctor's
office. Each of them are to get vasectomy. A few minutes later
she returns & reaches into one mans gown and proceeds to fondle &
ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why
are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate
the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man, not
wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. A man
asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. Dentist:
"Try to relax. I'll pull that aching tooth in five minutes." The New Technology Has Her Amazed A lady
came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital
for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating
looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate
to be hooked up to that thing," she said. Old Doc Carver Keeps Asking for Tools Old Doc
Carver was a family practitioner who still made house calls. One afternoon
he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The
doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr.
Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" Saved from Choking on a Fishbone When
the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was
fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. A man
goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in
the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return
to his office to report the results. I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came! A woman
and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room
and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is
he breast fed or on the bottle?" Mrs. Finkel Calls Mt Sinai Hospital A woman
called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello.
Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about
the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing
like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom." "Doctor,
I have an ear ache." Harry
was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse.
Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would
say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?" The doctor
approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was
being examined. A man comes into the
ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" Suddenly I noticed
that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. At the beginning of
my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. One day I had to be
the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of
a massive myocardial infarct. I was performing a
complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I was laughing too
hard to finish the exam. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!". The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one. While acquainting
myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive." I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming him self into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady her asthma inhaler fell out of the folds of her Breast. The most non-emergent
ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly
button lint. I've Just Three Things to Tell You "Doctor!"
said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to
tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." Lewis Has a Penis Growing Out of His Forehead Lewis
has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and
it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor. What Doctors Say - What They Really Mean ~ "This
should be taken care of right away." A Long Wait to Visit a Patient In the
admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms,
others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to
their rooms. The Lab Mixes Up His Wife's Test Results Mr. Smith
goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The
Source of Sexual Lacerations...
In Michigan,
a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that
his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and that it was biting him
during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was discovered that she
had a surgical needle left inside her from a recent hysterectomy. A man
was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked,
"What's the matter?" Dr.
Cohen's Breast Enlargement Technique
But it Will Get You Used to the Dirt A
man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while,
the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered
you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." A Unique Way to Get Rid of a Tapeworm A
fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened
to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. Same Condition, Better Medical Plan A
new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working in.
He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop,
and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a thing out in the open? A
woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor,
kiss me!" Those
Dang Birth Control Pills Don't Work Swine
Flu ALERT! "I'm
so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his
pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because
of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." Mr. Jones Gets a Call from the Hospital Mr.
Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been
in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to
the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith
is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting
room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. |
