Medical Amusement

 
Medicine is the Best Laughter from Amazon.com:
Psychiatric Humor (on it's own page)
The Urinalysis Results

A Little Gas
Transcription Errors
3/17/2001
Cause-of-Death Reports
Emergency Room Reports
8/28/2001
An unusual headache remedy
An Illicit Affair
A matter of semantics
Ed Zachary Disease
Breaking the Cigar Habit
First Proctology Exam
After the Third He Feels Like Fainting
Post-operative Trauma
Her First Appointment with her New Doctor
Blue Balls
Dr. Kellogg's Theory
Jim Gets His Coffee Administered by Enema
Two Doctors Open a New Office
Medical One-Liners 
3/11/03
A Surgeon's Disregard for Appearance 
The Cost of Pulling a Tooth 

Old Doc Carver Keeps Asking for Tools 
He's Got Hong Kong Dong 
Mrs. Finkel Calls Mt Sinai Hospital 
A Joke on a Patronizing Nurse 
Actual Doctor Stories  
9/1/2001
Lewis Has a Penis Growing Out of His Forehead 
A Long Wait to Visit a Patient  
The Source of Sexual Lacerations... 
Dr. Cohen's Breast Enlargement Technique 
A Unique Way to Get Rid of a Tapeworm 
Doctor, Kiss Me 
Swine Flu ALERT! 
Mr. Jones Gets a Call from the Hospital 
Good News / Bad News
A Gynecologist Decides to Change Professions
More Good News / Bad News
First Aid
Debbie's Examination
An Artist Makes a Big Sale
A Hunting Accident
A Proctologist Walks into a Bank
The Voluptuous Blonde at the Dentist
The Wrong Diagnosis
A Midget with an Irritation
Radical Cure for a Cold
How Much for a House Call 
A Strange Request from his Dentist
How They Make Latex Gloves
A Lecture on Autopsies
Different Examination Techniques
New Doctor in Town
A Veterinarian Goes to Her Doctor 
The Difference Between Blue Shield and an HMO 
Doc, Will I Live to Be 100? 
The New Technology Has Her Amazed 
Saved from Choking on a Fishbone 
I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came! 
A Short History of Medicine 
Your Wife Has Syphilis 
I've Just Three Things to Tell You 
What Doctors Say - What They Really Mean 
The Lab Mixes Up His Wife's Test Results 
I'm Sure It Will Be All Right 
But it Will Get You Used to the Dirt 
Same Condition, Better Medical Plan 
Those Dang Birth Control Pills Don't Work 
A Worried Heart Patient 

The Urinalysis Results

Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.

Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" "The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked. "No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon. Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.

Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray peed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, and even added a few drops of his personal semen. He shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse. This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop playing with yourself, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."
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A Little Gas

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
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Medical Transcription

From a book called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered. Some of the best follow:

1981 AAMT

bullet d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue

t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe

bullet d: Patient is a primip.

t: Patient is a prime rib.

bullet d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.

t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.

bullet d: Varicose veins

t: Very close veins

bullet d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.

t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.

bullet d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.

t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.

bullet d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest.
bullet d: Despite treatment, the patient improved
bullet d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return when she felt better.
bullet d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.
bullet d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for past 10 years. Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing abdominal girth, etiology unknown
bullet d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report. She made a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following surgery. Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital course was uneventful and she was discharged.
bullet d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.
bullet d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you.
bullet d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his consultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.
bullet d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because of this.
bullet d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of breath on motion but not on talking.
bullet d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds and broke her ankle. The birds were not injured.
bullet d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league game of the season when he was sliding into home plate. The patient was safe, but his ankle was out.
bullet d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.
bullet d: The patient states he is already too screwed up to try drugs.
bullet d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the relationship did not work out.
bullet d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an acid trip.
bullet d: Both marital problems are teenagers.
bullet d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should have picked different parents.
bullet d: The patient was placed under the microscope.
bullet d: Mother died at age 91, in good health and active mentally.
bullet d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly, and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.
bullet d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo!
bullet d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate. Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't know, maybe it's a man. Dear person Tate. I don't know what you say. Dear person Tate. No, you can't say that. Dear Ms. Tate. Oh, make something up.
bullet d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank.
bullet d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic. Father lives with an ulcer.
bullet d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre suicide note.
bullet d: He breaks out with cats.
bullet d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits.
bullet d: Patient came in with her breast for examination.
bullet d: The left breast is not available at this time.
bullet d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies.
bullet d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy.
bullet d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD.
bullet d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female infant.
bullet d: His tongue was slightly hairy. Yes, that's what I said, hairy.
bullet d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never remember at the proper time.
bullet d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand. Maybe an arm will come later. Maybe a body will come with it.

 

This is a collective from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and a doctor or two at major hospitals.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.


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Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800s in Missouri

  • 'Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.'
  • Died suddenly, nothing serious'
  • 'Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before.'
  • 'Don't know; died without the aid of a physician.'
  • 'death caused by blow on the head with an ax. Contributory cause, another man's wife.'

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A few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms

(to prove that fact is stranger than fiction)

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!". At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt-luck supper".

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - since my husband was alive."

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," said the patient regretfully.


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An amazing headache remedy

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
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A Matter of Semantics

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
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An Illicit Affair...

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...." This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date nor sex in quite some time. She was afraid that she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go to Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. When she saw Dr. Chang, he said, "Take off all your crowse." So, she did.

Now, get down and crawal reery fass to ava side of vroom." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now you crawal reery fass to me." So, she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your problem vewy bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see. That why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"..Dr. Chang replied, "It is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

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Breaking the Cigar Habit

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it."

And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
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First Proctology Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
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Good News / Bad News

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs."

"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."
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A Gynecologist Decides to Change Professions...

A Gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%, so he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.
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More Good News / Bad News

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."

The patient is shocked, "Jeez! What's the good news then, doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient says, "Yes."

The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm fucking her!"
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First Aid

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
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Debbie's Examination

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it!"
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An Artist Makes a Big Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."
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A Hunting Accident

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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A Proctologist Walks into a Bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
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The Voluptuous Blonde at the Dentist

The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. "Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth, "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."

"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."
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The Wrong Diagnosis

"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."

A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.

"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
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A Midget with an Irritation

One cold winter's day a lady midget hobbled into a doctor's office. After waiting her turn for an hour, she finally got in to see the doctor and reported that she was suffering from a severe irritation between the legs.

"Is the pain a constant one?" he asked.

"No," she said. "I notice it mostly when I go out on cold, snowy days."

"Well, sit up on this table and let's examine you," said the doctor. He instructed her to lift her skirt, studied the situation, then produced a pair of medical shears from among his instruments. While she waited fearfully, he began snipping.

"Aren't you going to use an anesthetic?" she asked.

"That won't be necessary," he reassured her. "All right, he said at last. "Get down from the table and try walking now."

She did so, and reported, amazed, "Why I feel wonderful! What did you do?"

"It was simple," said the doctor, "I just cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes."
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Radical Cure for a Cold

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
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How Much for a House Call

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.

"Fifty dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.

"How much is an office visit?" asked the caller.

"Twenty-five dollars."

"Okay, Doc, I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."
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After the Third He Feels Like Fainting

The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor: "After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.

"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."
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Post-operative Trauma

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
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A Strange Request from his Dentist

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."
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Her First Appointment with her New Doctor

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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How They Make Latex Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little

nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves? "She said, "No."

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to their hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!
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Blue Balls

"I think I have a problem, Doc." says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation. But, about two weeks after he is

testicle-less, he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know, but I think it could be the jeans?"
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A Lecture on Autopsies

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple minutes of silence, they follow suit.

The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's ass, but I licked my index."
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Dr. Kellogg's Theory

Dr. Kellogg (of cornflake fame) suggested, "A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed without administering anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially, if it is connected with the idea of punishment, as it may well be in some cases."
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Jim Gets His Coffee Administered by Enema

Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat.

She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut.

I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition."

"Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw.

"We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth."

But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema."

She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.

"Is it too hot?" the nurse asked.

"No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"
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Different Examination Techniques

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
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New Doctor in Town

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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Two Doctors Open a New Office

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr, Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed "Hysterias and Posteriors".

The Doctors didn't like that idea, and suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

The town didn't like that one either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
"Minds and Behinds".
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons".

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends"
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A Veterinarian Goes to Her Doctor

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, squeezed her here and there, and then wrote out a prescription. "There you are.

Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
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Medical One-Liners

Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree, A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

Always make sure the proctologist has only one hand on your waist while probing.

What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation?
"Whatever you do, don't go into the light."

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Don't listen to those quacks. Just wait until the autopsy, then we'll see who was right."

The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news first."
"They're going to name a disease after you."

Grave- n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the doctor. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

When the doctor called Mrs. Lieberman to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision!


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A Surgeon's Disregard for Appearance

During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. 

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER for yet another emergency.

I was stitching away - wearing a tuxedo - when I encountered that same medical resident.  He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
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The Difference Between Blue Shield and an HMO

Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get vasectomy.

The nurse comes into the room & tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one mans gown and proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.

She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blowjob?"

The nurse simply replies, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross/Blue Shield.
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Doc, Will I Live to Be 100?

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
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The Cost of Pulling a Tooth

Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull that aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."
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The New Technology Has Her Amazed

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.  She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.  A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
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Old Doc Carver Keeps Asking for Tools

Old Doc Carver was a family practitioner who still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"  Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
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Saved from Choking on a Fishbone

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor.  "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
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He's Got Hong Kong Dong

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" asked the doctor.

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."

"An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.  Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.

After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room. "Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes,"  answered the Asian doctor.

"And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.

"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"
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I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came!

A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed." she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders.

She does. He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came!"
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Mrs. Finkel Calls Mt Sinai Hospital

A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Finkel...Finkel, Let me see... Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing!"
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A Short History of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
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A Joke on a Patronizing Nurse

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?"

Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today."

At this he snatches the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top and chugs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
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Your Wife Has Syphilis

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. 

The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife has syphilis."

The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?"

The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."
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Actual Doctor Stories 

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. 

Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
===========================

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
===========================

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
===========================

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began.
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
===========================

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!".
===========================

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
===========================

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
===========================

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
===========================

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming him self into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady her asthma inhaler fell out of the folds of her Breast.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.


I've Just Three Things to Tell You

"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."
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Lewis Has a Penis Growing Out of His Forehead

Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.

The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"

Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."

Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"

The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."
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What Doctors Say - What They Really Mean

~ "This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

~ "Let me check your medical history."
 I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

~ "We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

~ "Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

~ "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

~ "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

~ "I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.
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A Long Wait to Visit a Patient

In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.

An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards. I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.

"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but I'm not sure I have time now."
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The Lab Mixes Up His Wife's Test Results

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town--if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
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The Source of Sexual Lacerations...
(allegedly true)

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and that it was biting him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was discovered that she had a surgical needle left inside her from a recent hysterectomy.
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I'm Sure It Will Be All Right

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.  A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!"
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Dr. Cohen's Breast Enlargement Technique

Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Cohen for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' And they will grow on their own."

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She really loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to dopey Dr.Cohen by any chance?"

Shocked Sherry said, "Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
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But it Will Get You Used to the Dirt

A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there
anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
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A Unique Way to Get Rid of a Tapeworm

A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor. 

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...!! Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**
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Same Condition, Better Medical Plan

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working in.  He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a thing out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."

"Oh, I see" says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with that?"

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."
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Doctor, Kiss Me

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looked at her and said, "It's against my code of ethics to kiss you."

About 10 minutes later the woman again shouts out, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refused, apologetically, and says, "As a doctor, I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 5 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor, "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you right now!"
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Those Dang Birth Control Pills Don't Work

A barefoot southern woman walked into her doctor's office and complained, "Those dang birth control pills y'all gave me don't work."

"What do you mean?" the physician asked. "Have you been taking them every day like I told you?"

"Yep," the girl said defiantly. "But the dang things keep falling out of my hoo-hoo!"
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Swine Flu ALERT!

Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months. Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus. The symptoms associated with this disease are:

1.)  Sore throat
2.)  Slight headache
3.)  Moderate to high temperature
4.)  Nausea or upset stomach
5.)  Uncontrollable urge to fuck in the mud
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A Worried Heart Patient

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
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Mr. Jones Gets a Call from the Hospital

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital.  They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.  He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.  "Yes, sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"  The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

Well, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.  "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours  Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.  "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.  The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably, and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.  Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you...she's dead!"

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