There was a Microsoft Tech Support guy who joined the Army. He was hopeless on the firing range with a pistol. He shot a whole clip and never even hit the target. The Drill Instructor was not happy with his performance, and *informed* him of this. The Tech Support guy went back to his position, reloaded, put his fingertip over the end of the barrel, and pulled the trigger, which, of course, neatly removed the end of his finger. 'Well,'
he said to the D.I., clutching his finger, 'it's coming out of the gun
all right. It must be a problem on your end.' A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because,
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely
useless answer." There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then,
the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with
a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back
in, open the windows again and maybe it'll work!?" If Restaurants functioned like Microsoft Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be
fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower. 7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb. 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 12.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. by Robert Reiser NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office 97." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 96. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[96] as early as November first." Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson
for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL" REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway. The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done." Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur." A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market." Coroner's
reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear
on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob
installed successfully on NT. Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta) Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, "recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times." Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich." Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates
responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued. REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded
in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in
the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity
for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States
is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God(tm)," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God(tm) will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God(tm), including: Microsoft
Crusades(tm): This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts
and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing
products like Buddha(tm) or Allah(tm). Microsoft has implemented a new policy for onscreen error messages they should all follow the format below in order for us to maintain proper Microsoft Office compatibility. Participation is mandatory.
Three things
are certain: Everything
is gone; Windows NT
crashed. Seeing my
great fault The code
was willing, Printer not
ready. A file that
big? Errors have
occurred. Server's
poor response Chaos reigns
within. Login incorrect. This site
has been moved. wind catches
lily ABORTED effort: First snow,
then silence. With searching
comes loss The Tao that
is seen The Web site
you seek Stay the
patient course A crash reduces There is
a chasm Yesterday
it worked To have no
errors You step
in the stream, No keyboard
present Hal, open
the file Out of memory. Having been
erased, The ten thousand
things Rather than
a beep Serious
error. Microsoft conducts first underground test REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile,
in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to
be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's
Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd
hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."
Dear Consumas:
Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 2000," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual harpy, stringy music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. PLEASE ALSO
NOTE: We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may
return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Sincerely, Billy ~4
eyes~ Gates
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