Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was
walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled,
"Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
to which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is!
Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
the computer responded: YES SIR.
the RAF it is customary for fighter pilots to fill in a flight log at
the end of each sortie. The engineers then check the log to see if the
pilot has made any comments about the plane. One such exchange reads :
A knight and his men return to the castle after a long hard day of battle. "How fare ye?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been defeating the soldiers and burning the towns of your enemies in the west all day on your behalf."
"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
the knight. "Well, you do now."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'' I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.'' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.''"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
a little, at first."
The slave driver of the Roman galley stared down at his slaves and yelled, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
bad news..." bellowed the slave driver over the happy rowers, "is
the commander's son wants to water ski."
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom,
pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and
said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..."
Several months later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl..."
later came yet another note: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where
I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar
bear and shot the hula girl..."
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Long ago, there lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright garment he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned and calmly shouted:
me my brown pants."
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:
congratulations upon completing your exercise according to the book and
with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you overlooked one of the
unwritten rules - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already
in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,'
and he sat up all night watching me."
Some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews...
"Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement."
"Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
#1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
"The autopilot doesn t."
"Something loose in cockpit."
"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
"DME volume unbelievably loud."
"Dead bugs on windshield."
"Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
"Number three engine missing."
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the
Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
replied, "In Vietnam."
It has been revealed that a secret U.S. project in the 1950's called for
detonating an atom bomb on the moon as a demonstration of the nation's
Cold War might. The project was never carried out. But the planning included
calculations by astronomer Carl Sagan - then a young graduate student.
Officials believed that viewing the
nuclear flash from Earth might have intimidated the Soviets
and boosted Americans' confidence. A missile was to carry a small nuclear
device and launched toward the moon, where it would be detonated upon
impact. Officials apparently abandoned the idea because of the danger
to people on Earth in case of a failure.
"All right, you bastards, fall in - on the double!" barked the sergeant as he strode into the barracks. Each soldier grabbed his hat and jumped to his feet, expect one - a private who lay in his bunk reading a book.
"Well?" roared the sergeant.
observed the private, "there certainly were a lot of them, weren't
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
After reading this Rosie O'Donnell may move to England! In a bid to save
money British defense commanders have ordered Royal Navy recruits to shout
"BANG" instead of firing live rounds in exercises. Media reports
said trainee gunners at the land-based HMS Cambridge near Plymouth, England,
were told to load shells, take aim and shout "BANG" into a microphone.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey. They thought they would have some fun with him.
"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers. "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"
am," said the boy. "If I didn't he would probably join the Army."
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
third week, the fools jump."
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"
"Throw out another anchor."
"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"
"From the same
place you're getting your storms, sir."
On some air bases
the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the
other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
Irish declare war on Saddam
Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.
He saw Private Duncan mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier,
do you have change for a dollar?"
was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said:
"We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test.
Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet
of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter
and an adding machine.
The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese
(China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the
Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen.
Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.
U.S. Air Force F-15s shoot down two U.S. Army helicopters on a diplomatic
mission over Iraq, mistaking them for hostile aircraft in the "no-fly
zone," killing 26 people. No one was found criminally responsible.
In 1757, a Prussian army had to abandon a safe escape route when they saw the road blocked by what they believed to be batteries of Austrian artillery. It turned out to be nothing more deadly than a herd of cattle.
At the Battle of Karansebes in 1788, 10,000 Austrian soldiers were killed or injured by their own side when drunken comrades began shouting that the Turks were upon them. In the darkness and confusion, the Austrians started firing indiscriminately at each other.
When relations with Bolivia soured in 1865, Queen Victoria ordered the Royal Navy to send six gunboats to Bolivia and sink its fleet. Her admirals quietly pointed out that Bolivia had no coast and therefore no fleet, whereupon the Queen sent for a map and a pair of scissors and cut Bolivia from the world.
General Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson was devoutly religious and considered
fighting on a Sunday to be a sin. In 1862, at the height of the Battle
of Mechanicsville in the American Civil War, he stood alone praying on
a nearby hill, steadfastly refusing to speak to anyone all afternoon.
With nobody to guide them, his Confederate troops suffered huge losses.
one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for
the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was
still on as planned.
Draftee Hidden by a Nun
privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury
a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what
they were burying.
an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles
and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with
vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering
what else could go wrong when the door opened and a soldier rushed in
to announce, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!
I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became
optional... I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory." Join
the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional... I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing
acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.
World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days
in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was
really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,"
he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly,
out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they
don't speak the same language.
mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it
is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are
chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes
around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.
C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland,
and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's
sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck
was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely
slow in getting the tank pumped out.
Colonel's First Impression is a Wipe-Out
the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper
was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming.
She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although
her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the
Navy Admiral (which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed
for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through
the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
What is the acronym for U.S. ARMY backwards?
was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had
little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached
a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a
couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back.
While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder
why he didn't land," I said.
young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp
the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen
how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley
helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes
and spilling food.
large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier
is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends
10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out
and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
A friend, driving home from a
fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble
a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in
his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing
into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.
Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says,
"My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"
once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet
on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing
their money to him, making them very irritated. The Captain decided to
have the boy transferred to another ship.
training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week
in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in
our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned
our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field
hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to
of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked
an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
My wife worked
at the Navy exchange dry cleaners while I was stationed at the submarine
base in Groton, Conn.
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple.
Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide
that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the
A military pilot calling ugently called ATC for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked" meaning his one engine was threatening to shut down.
ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 bomber that had one of his eight engines shut down.
the pilot said, "the dreaded seven-engine approach!"
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first
rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."
morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date
line -- it was July 23.
During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."
"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.
he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."
The young ensign approached the crusty old chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a lieutenant junior grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.
"As a captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yes, Sir. But what about commanders and lieutenant commanders?"
that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You
see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... "
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys
shoot craps, but not very good.
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
My first day in basic training, we were lined up in a row, each of us in turn having to shout our last names. After the guy next to me had yelled, "Florence," it was my turn. I had no sooner called out my name than the training instructor was in my face, demanding to know if I was some kind of smart aleck. Satisfied that I wasn't, the red-faced TI told me never to stand next to that guy again.
by Charles W. Nightingale
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
much. But he would be 165 years old."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
hillbilly, Herman James was drafted into the Army and on the first day
as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
Make sure that you read this entire letter
He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.
A doctor was transferred to a very tough Marine commando base. On the first day, three soldiers arrived to see him. The first soldier marched in and snapped to attention.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I've got piles, Sir!" shouted the soldier.
"How have you been treating them?" asked the doctor, as he examined the soldier.
"I've been rubbing my ass with a wire brush until it bleeds, Sir!"
"And, what is your ambition in life, soldier?"
"I just want to kill commies, Sir!"
The doctor was amazed that a soldier in so much pain just wanted to do his duty. Then, the second soldier marched in and said, "I have gonorrhoea, Sir!"
"How have you been treating it until now?" asked the doctor.
"I've been rubbing the end of my penis with a wire brush until it bleeds, Sir!"
"And, what is your ambition in life, soldier?"
"To kill more commies, Sir!"
Again, the doctor was amazed that a soldier in so much pain just wanted to do his duty. Finally, the third soldier walked in and the doctor asked him about his problem.
"I've got ulcerated gums, Sir!" the soldier bellowed.
"And let me guess, you've been rubbing your gums with a wire brush until they bleed, right?"
"Yes, Sir!" replied the soldier.
"And, your main ambition in life to kill commies, soldier?"
Sir... to be the first to use the wire brush, Sir!"
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 70 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my husband and me for a visit. After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."
"How do you know?" I asked.
to a sign that read, "Sonny's Bar & Grill -- Tank Parking Available."
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 3,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."
"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.
"A-ha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.
"That's William Jones," replied the captain.
The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself.
"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.
Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed.
After I gave
him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden
him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed
it back to me.
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
sergeant!" said Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor. My buddy whispered the correct response to me.
After I gave
the answer, my instructor replied, "Very good, lieutenant,"
but his remarks were directed to my friend. "Next time, put your
hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so
On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"
"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily.
said the officer.
asked, "Which one, sir?
Martin Savidge of CNN, embedded with the 1st Marine Division, was talking with 4 young Marines near his foxhole this morning live on CNN. He had been telling the story of how well the Marines had been looking out for and taking care of him since the war started. He went on to tell about the many hardships the Marines had endured since the war began and how they all look after one another.
He turned to the four and said he had cleared it with their commanders and they could use his video phone to call home. The 19 year old Marine next to him asked Martin if he would allow his platoon sergeant to use his call to call his pregnant wife back home whom he had not been able to talk to in three months. A stunned Savidge who was visibly moved by the request shook his head and the young Marine ran off to get the Staff Sergeant.
Savidge recovered after a few seconds and turned back to the three young Marines still sitting with him and asked which one of them would like to call home first, the Marine closest to him responded with out a moments hesitation " Sir, if it is all the same to you we would like to call the parents of a buddy of ours, Lance Cpl Brian Buesing of Cedar Key, Florida who was killed on 3-23-03 near Nasiriya to see how they are doing".
At that Martin Savidge totally broke down and was unable to speak. All he could get out before signing off was "Where do they get young men like this?"
A Marine Captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, Breaking silence I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, "Marine Air Group 36, sir," or "Second Marine Division, General." But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, "Which outfit are you in?"
replied, "Dress blues, sir, with medals!"
A group of new recruits had been stationed overseas and were about go out for their first maneuvers. The Base Commander came out with a few words of wisdom for the group before they left.
"Men," he said, "there is a deadly snake in these parts that can kill you with just one bite. It has orange and black stripes and usually found with its tail sticking out of the bushes. If you come across a snake just grab it by the tail, pull it out quickly and give it a judo chop on the head."
agreed and all took off. The maneuvers seemed to go quite well until they
came back and took role. One of the soldiers was missing. After hours
of searching they finally found the poor guy all mangled up in a bush.
He was rushed off to the hospital. After several days the Doctor came
up to him and asked him what the hell had happened to him. The soldier
rolled over slightly, opened one eye and very quietly said "Doc,
have you ever given a tiger a judo chop in the nuts?"
Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.
Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"
Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."
good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this
will be our first."
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew--like instant messaging."
I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away
was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"