Lady
of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the
guests' names as they arrive." WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the above because my cats have apparently learned to type.
Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to fill and summarize exactly what happened on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes are taken from these forms.
If you thought
you were having a bad day, listen to this... Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable
to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost
my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope... There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building... He needed a hand saw but was lazy to go down and get it himself. So he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give sign language so the guy on the ground could understand him. So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moves his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started shaking his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming..."". And more Sign Language... There's this guy doing yard work and his wife stops to go up and take a shower..... so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window `where's the rake?'. she can't hear him. so he points to his eye[i], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions. 'What?' she yells So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass and then to her crotch. Her husband is totally confused [and somewhat aroused] so he goes in the house and upstairs and leans around the corner 'what did you say?'. She says
' I SAID: eye, left tit, behind, the bush Go placidly
amid the noise and waste, It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had
had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"
he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she
said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last
day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
my idea." A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while . What happened, you look terrible! "What do you mean? I'm fine. "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before. "Well, " said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine...really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you - you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? the last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well,
I really wasn't used to the hook yet." Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news
reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned
to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded,
"the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid
fire truck." How Cold Is It?--An Annotated Thermometer 60 -- Californians put on sweaters (if they can find them in their wardrobe). 50 -- Miami residents turn on the heat. 40 -- You
can see your breath. 35 -- Italian cars won't start. 32 -- Water freezes. 30 -- You
plan your vacation to Australia. 25 -- Boston
water freezes.
15 -- French
cars don't start. 10 -- Too
cold to ski. 5 -- You
plan your vacation in Houston. 0 -- Alaskans
put on T-shirts. -10 -- German
cars don't start. -15 -- You
can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. -20 -- Cat
insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. -25 -- Too
cold to think. -30 -- You
plan a two-week hot bath. -40 -- Californians
disappear. -50 -- Congressional
hot air freezes. -80 -- Hell
freezes over. -90 -- Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian". "'Scuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick
Van Dyke." An Extreme Headache Cure Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by horrible headaches. When his love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred to one specialist after another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer but finally decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . . 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure ..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed,
"No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman
shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Three worst Chinese torture tests A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man sneaked into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man,
seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the
window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd
worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost". Two cannibals, a father and a son were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said "Ooh Dad, there's one." "No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait." A little while later, along came this really overweight man. The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," said the father, "We'll all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, this absolutely GORGEOUS woman walks by. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father, "We will not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because
we are going to take her back alive and eat your mother." A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone. Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farm work," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes. The Vaseline salesman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks,
"Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and
yells, "I'll do the dishes!" Vaseline Joke #2 A man dressed
in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some
papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a
middle-aged man. Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!" December
8: All the organs
of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. All the other
body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut
down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the
stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs
gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. Leadership II When the
body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said,
"I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and
functions." Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? PAT BUCHANAN: RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. DR. SEUSS: ERNEST HEMINGWAY: MARTIN LUTHER
KING, JR.: GRANDPA: ARISTOTLE: KARL MARX: RONALD REAGAN: KEN STARR: CAPTAIN JAMES
T. KIRK: FOX MULDER: FREUD: BILL GATES: EINSTEIN: BILL CLINTON: LOUIS FARRAKHAN: THE BIBLE: COLONEL SANDERS: JERRY FALWELL: MACHIAVELLI: L.A.P.D.: GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. HANZ BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road. MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to
a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. "Hi. Now you say something." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone." "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up." My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back. Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply. "Suicide Hotline...please hold." Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return. Alpha Centauri
Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's
either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps
taking a nappie. Leave (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. Hi, this
is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough Hi, this
is Ed. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan
ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin... in which
case, why don't you stop by? Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily
make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water! This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said
that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads" The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... (SCROLL DOWN) . . (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?) . . (HERE IT COMES!) . . (DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!) . . ..."Nothing,
but you left your Injun runnin'." Sherlock Holmes Makes an Observation Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping one night. As they lay down Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody
stole our tent." Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well,
thanks! She just died and left me everything!" Pregnant Woman Shot in Bank Robbery A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first teller available. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "You're going to have triplets, they're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism." As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, "mummy, I've done a very weird thing." Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet, The woman comforts here and explains all about the incident at the bank. A few weeks later her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "let me guess, you passed a bullet into the toilet, right." The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know." The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank. A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mummy I've done a very bad thing." "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" " No,
I was masturbating and I shot the dog." Astrological Light Bulb Changing
A man walks into a public men's room, His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second
fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to
be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help
for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy
is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first
guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that." the first man says, blowing on
his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now." A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 436." When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh,"
the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog
bit me." A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore." Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who was lying on the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting
his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather
shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!" A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21. The voice
says, "Shit." El Cheap-o was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time,
the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for
the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each
piece separately." Farmer Jones has his Hands Full One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young
lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. You know you live in San Francisco when... 1. Your coworker
tells you she has 8 body piercings but none are visible. A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar. The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head. The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?" The blind
man replies, "Just looking around." I Can't Tell You Because You're not a Monk A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't
tell you what it is because you're not a monk. A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well,"
replied the young farmer, "he's under the hay." A Texan, a Canadian and a Guy from Michigan A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap." A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!" The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap." So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The
guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians,
but bottles are worth a dime." A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk
turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad." What did
the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend? Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!" Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" When do cannibals
leave the table? The first
cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it. One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like! What is a
cannibal's favorite type of TV show? Where do
cannibals shop for fine furniture? What do cannibals
eat for dessert? What is a
cannibal's favorite game? What do cannibals
make out of politicians? What did
the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher? Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man. Two cannibals
just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his
stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law,
and she still doesn't agree with me!" One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised
look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." Two New York City social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded. The two social
workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You
know the person that did this really needs help." Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer.)
They were
M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge. "What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh
my gosh," said the girl sympathetically... ,that must be very painful
. . . . I had tennis elbow once!" Window Shopping in Los Angeles When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area. While window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer. The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing. The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost a half hour examining the different makes of china and silver. It was only
after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she
had been inspecting the tableware at a chic, downtown restaurant. A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer
let him go without even a warning. :-) Complaining about Noisy Neighbors A man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly, "Many a night they stomp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the
landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, because
I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every
night, anyway." The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shhhure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender
nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish
the job." A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "When
did you learn to speak English?" Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for
breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you
two were, I figured I'd better run too!" He Thought He'd Died and Gone to... A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said,
"I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab
in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign... and somebody was standing
in front of the S!..." hell I Need 10,000 Cockroaches ASAP A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk. "Well,"
replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave
the place in the same condition I found it." |
