Miscellaneous Humor II

Don't miss the original Miscellaneous Humor Page!

There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

Burglars Tie Up a Teller
Liz Goes to her First Art Show
Tipping a Blackjack Dealer
Actual Answers from The Family Feud Show 
A Novel Way to Revive a Beautiful Woman 
Following a Snow Plow in a Snowstorm 
Reciting the NATO Phonetic Alphabet 
A Misunderstanding Between Friends 
I Just Beat the Shit out of a Ghost 
Give Me Your Wallet or I'll Jump 
A Classic Comeback on NPR 
An Armless Man Dancing on the Riverbank
A Confusing Painting of Three Black Men  
A Skinhead and His Girlfriend are Window-Shopping  
I'm Used to Driving the Hearse  
Thou Standest Where I am About to Shoot  
On The Way to a Costume Party  
Husband Leaves Himself a Note  
Smee Again Goan Fuck Yourself  
The Difference Between a Million and a Billion  
The Fees For Stud Service  
An Avon Lady Tried to Disguise a Fart  
You Must Be Steve's Widow
Fractured Greeting Cards
Wife Fixes Wrong Man's Exposure Problem
At Three O'clock You Can Kiss My Ass 
Newspapers are Read By... 
The Origin of Yodeling 
Good News and Bad New for an Artist  
Perception of an Anticipated Reaction 
An Unlucky Gambler Gets a Break 
Sheep-shagging Research Results
It's All Relative  
A Blind Man Walks Into a Restaurant  
But First Syndrome  
Telling the Time in Mexico...  
A Stranger Asks for a Push at 3AM  
Ibn Saud ben Alekh Farts in the Square  
The Right Sign for the Job  
OK, NOW You're Screwed  
His Relatives are Dropping Like Flies  
The Philosophy of George Carlin 
The Modern Toolbox  
Amish Emergency Brake  
A Lady Shopping For A Rug  
The Lucky Saucer  


Burglars Tie Up a Teller

Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone teller trying to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through his gag.

Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say.

"Take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short $70."
Back to the Top

You Must Be Steve's Widow

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Back to the Top

Liz Goes to her First Art Show

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
Back to the Top

Fractured Greeting Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life...
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you."

"You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep."

Back to the Top

Tipping a Blackjack Dealer

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"


"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.
Back to the Top

Wife Fixes Wrong Man's Exposure Problem

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Back to the Top

At Three O'clock You Can Kiss My Ass

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
Back to the Top

Newspapers are Read By...

1.  The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.  The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3.  The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

4.  USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.

5.  The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

6.  The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7.  The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.

8.  The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

9.  The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.

10.  The Miami Herald is read by people who are running from another country.
Back to the Top

Actual Answers from The Family Feud Show

These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show The Family Feud:
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
Something with a hole in it - Window
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Back to the Top

A Novel Way to Revive a Beautiful Woman

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.

Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons... Rubber balloons!!"
Back to the Top

The Origin of Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Well, back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland and had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn.

Well, as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"?

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. She was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled, buttoned up wrong, and had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

Later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take him something to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, and went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour and went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few minutes later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she asked her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"Oh!" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. He then ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you for having sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
Back to the Top

Good News and Bad New for an Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it probably would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"It was your doctor."
Back to the Top  

Following a Snow Plow in a Snowstorm

A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.

Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart."

Back to the Top

Reciting the NATO Phonetic Alphabet

While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the NATO phonetic alphabet.

She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."

But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help.

I offered a hint: "What *aren't* you wearing today?"

"Underwear?" she replied
Back to the Top

You're Telling ME I'm Not Sterile!

A doctor had just delivered twins...a boy and a girl.

The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.

He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"

With out missing a beat, he said proudly "You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"

Back to the Top

A Misunderstanding Between Friends

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Back to the Top

Perception of an Anticipated Reaction

There are times when the response to a question is based on the perception of an anticipated reaction.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine'!

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question"

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down to the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" It was then that I said, "I'M Fine."
Back to the Top

An Unlucky Gambler Gets a Break

Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.  He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story.  He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"
Back to the Top

I Just Beat the Shit out of a Ghost

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down, at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Back to the Top

Sheep-shagging Research Results

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. "So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?"
Back to the Top

It's All Relative

Traveling through New England a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.  "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell?"
Back to the Top

Give Me Your Wallet or I'll Jump

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a  small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow!" comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Back to the Top

A Classic Comeback on NPR

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is an exact account of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "What things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Back to the Top

A Blind Man Walks Into a Restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
Back to the Top

Keeping the Neighbor's Chickens Out of the Flowerbeds

Poor Dimmsdale was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept telling him the chickens had the right to go where they wanted. But the birds were ruining Dimmsdale's prize-winning flowerbeds.
Two weeks later, a friend visited Dimmsdale and noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

Dimmsdale replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since."
Back to the Top

But First Syndrome

I have recently been diagnosed with the "But First Syndrome." You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry....

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. Then, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the
newspaper in the recycle stack.......

BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where's the checkbook? Oops......there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook,

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away.....

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. Head for door and........ Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants.....

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat......

End of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control........ And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled because.....

I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!! I realize this condition is serious... and I'll get help!.........

BUT FIRST.............. I think.... I'll check my E-MAIL!
Back to the Top

An Armless Man Dancing on the Riverbank

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after all," and climbed down from the railing.

He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing, you dickhead!" the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
Back to the Top

A Confusing Painting of Three Black Men

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
Back to the Top

Telling the Time in Mexico...

Some Americans were traveling through Mexico when one of them saw a man on the ground having a siesta. "Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"

The Mexican looked at the American. The he reached over and held the donkey's balls and appeared to weigh them in his hand.

"Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him. "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again the guy reached for the donkey's balls. Again, he seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over, "Listen," he confided, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."

The Mexican thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he took the donkey's balls and gently moved them to the side out of the way, and said, "Do you see that clock over there?"
Back to the Top

A Skinhead and His Girlfriend are Window-Shopping

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Whoa, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!"
Back to the Top

A Stranger Asks for a Push at 3AM

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.
Back to the Top

I'm Used to Driving the Hearse

In the small town of Salisbury Mills, NY, the town founder, Harrison Winston III passed away. Naturally, the whole town turned out, as did his family coming in from all over the state. This threw the local funeral home into an uproar. They had to have some employees do two or three jobs and even switch jobs to get everything done. One group of family members piled into the funeral home's limousine. The procession was very long and not knowing their way, they decided to ask the driver how much further it would be.

The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me......"

The driver let out a scream, and turned the car straight into a ditch.

After calming everyone down and making sure everyone was all right, the driver somberly explained, "I am so sorry for what happened. You see, I am used to driving the hearse."
Back to the Top

Ibn Saud ben Alekh Farts in the Square

Ibn Saud ben Alekh, a respectable and dignified merchant, was attending a camel auction in the main square when he was overcome by the most terrible intestinal cramps. Finally, unable to contain himself, he let out a giant fart, which was so noisy and so pungent that the people around him looked aghast and stepped back in a circle.

Overcome with shame, Ibn Saud went straight home, packed, and turned his back on his birthplace. For many years he led a nomadic life, wandering from town to town, but as old age approached, so did the longing to return to his hometown. By this time he was aged and stooped, his hair and beard long and gray. He was confident that no one would recognize him and link him to that mortifying moment.

So he returned to the town and headed straight for the main square, where he immediately noticed that the mosque now boasted a spectacular turquoise and gold-leaf facade. Turning to the passerby, he commented on the magnificent mural. "Peace to you, my son," greeted the old man, "can you tell me when it was completed?"

"Let me think," replied the man. "Yes, that would be seven years, five months, and twenty-two days after Ibn Saud ben Alekh cut that big fart in the square."
Back to the Top

The Right Sign for the Job

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious.

So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
Back to the Top

Thou Standest Where I am About to Shoot

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
Back to the Top

He Wants to Open a Damn Checking Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Back to the Top

On The Way to a Costume Party

A farmer and his wife were running late for a costume party. They got into their 2-man cow costume and decided to take a shortcut across a field.

Suddenly the farmer, who was the head of the cow, saw a bull approaching.

When he told his wife she said, "Oh my, what are we going to do?"

The farmer replied, "I'm going to pretend like I'm eating grass, you'd better brace yourself."
Back to the Top

OK, NOW You're Screwed

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."
Back to the Top

His Relatives are Dropping Like Flies

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible...so how come you look so glum?"

"well, this week - nothing!"
Back to the Top

Husband Leaves Himself a Note

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work...

The next morning I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
Back to the Top

The Philosophy of George Carlin

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

30. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Back to the Top

Smee Again Goan Fuck Yourself

Just so you know, Cork is in Ireland.

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
Back to the Top

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Back to the Top

The Difference Between a Million and a Billion

What's the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire?

A million seconds is 13 days. A billion seconds is 31 years!

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Back to the Top

Amish Emergency Brake

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.  You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake."

Back to the Top


A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand he decided to take them all in and have them repaired.

On the bus on the way home he picked up the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit. She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella and got off the bus much embarrassed.

The next week he went to pick up his merchandise and when he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman.

She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"
Back to the Top

A Lady Shopping For A Rug

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day M'am. How may I help you today?"

Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna shit when you hear the price."

Back to the Top

The Fees For Stud Service

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer got my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see Daddy about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

Back to the Top

The Lucky Saucer

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 12 cats."
Back to the Top

An Avon Lady Tried to Disguise a Fart

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The guy answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

Back to the Top