You're Velcome

As Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.

"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.

And so it went all the way to the vacation...

As they got off the airplane, they passed a man. Morris abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?" As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're Velcome!" he called back.
Back to the Top

A Poor Family Needs Some Help

A large, unsavory-looking man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is out of work, the mother is ill and the children are hungry. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Back to the Top

Combining the DNA of Various Birds

The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me of his job. His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds.

First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a "Phen."

Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a "Phoose."

Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck. He called it... "Charlie."

Shoplifter Agrees to Pay for the Watch...

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
Back to the Top

Winning Lottery Number Revealed by God

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Then a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707.
Back to the Top

The Maid Keeps Getting Pregnant

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just to many kids here to pick up after."
Back to the Top

Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her chest would increase in size each time a man says 'Pardon' to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her chest instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her chest. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
Back to the Top

Sometimes...

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears...
Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain...
Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile...
But fart just one time...
Back to the Top

Getting Rid of Telemarketers

Are you tired of those sales reps always trying to get you to change to their services? Well here's a trick for the next time one of them calls.

You: "Hello?"
Rep: "Hello, sir. I'm with Sprint and I was wondering if you would consider changing your phone service?"

You: "Why would I want to change my phone service when after I hang up this phone I plan to kill myself... Unless you can talk me out of it...
Back to the Top

New Marijuana-Based Suppository Developed

It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical school, have come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository.

The only drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes after insertion, you have an overpowering urge to shove a Twinkie up your ass.
Back to the Top

Comparing Ancestry

The following was overheard at a recent high society party...

"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"

"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."
Back to the Top

The Uncanny Fortune Telling Machine

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.

She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of  anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've fiddled, You've farted, You've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
Back to the Top

A Newspaper Writer Turns Down a Vacation

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"

The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."
Back to the Top

What If I Mowed the Lawn Like This?

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Back to the Top

Breeding a Brown Cow and a White Cow

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to breed them, so he hired his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. 

After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Hey, Dad?" said the boy. "The bull just fucked the brown cow."

The room went silent. The father excused himself and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You could say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Dad?"

"Let me guess," said the father, "the bull surprised the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
Back to the Top

One Decision Too Many

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"

"Yes, Thank you."

"Smoking or non?"

"Non smoking."

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

"I guess indoors would be good."

"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."

"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?"

"Whatever you recommend," I said.

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.

Then, a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table...

"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato."

"Soup, or salad?"

"Salad."

"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp."

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

I didn't want to make another decision...

"Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch."

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?"

"Yeah."

I was curt. I was done with civility.

"And for your baked potato?"

I knew what was coming!

"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it."

"No butter? No sour cream?"

"No."

"No chives? No bacon chips ? "

"No! Don't you understand English?" "I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."

"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"

"Whatever."

"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you."

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sautéed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?"

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"

"I prefer right here."

Then I sucker-punched him:

He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection.

I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face.

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose.

He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever I wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water."

"Yes, sir, right away," he said.

"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime?"
Back to the Top

I Guess I'll Just Have to Find Another Duck

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"

She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck with shit all over it crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she played Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered.

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to find another duck."
Back to the Top

An Actor Has Trouble Remembering His Lines

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"

The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Back to the Top

O.J. Simpson Jokes

If an O.J. juror and her husband were to get a divorce, would they still be sister and brother?

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway?
A: One drives in a slow, white Bronco. The other was a slow, white Bronco.

Q: Did you hear that O.J. is endorsing a new margarine product?
A: It's called, "I Can't Believe I'm Not Guilty!"

Q: Did you hear that O.J. got a new promotional deal with Nike?
A: The slogan is going to be, "Just Say You Didn't Do It!"

Q: What's the difference between O.J. and American justice?
A: O.J. is free.

Q: How many O.J. jurors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They voted that it was 'not dark'.
Back to the Top

Dog Peeing on a Blind Man's Leg

A blind man was waiting on the street corner for traffic. Another pedestrian observed the man's dog pissing on his leg.

The blind man then proceeded to reach in his pocket and started to feed the dog a part of a sandwich. The pedestrian said, "You are going to award him after he just pissed on your leg?"
 
The blind man said, "No, I just want to find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass."
Back to the Top

I'm Writing to General Motors

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. 

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied.  "I'm writing to General Motors!"
Back to the Top

Clone, Clone of My Own

O give me a clone of my own flesh and bone,
With its Y chromosome changed to X.
And when it is grown, then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With its Y chromosome changed to X
And when I'm alone with my own little clone
We'll both think of nothing but sex.

O give me a clone, hear my sorrowful moan,
Just a clone that is wholly my own.
And if it's an X of the feminine sex,
Oh what fun we will have when we're prone.

(Repeat Chorus)

My heart's not of stone, as I've frequently shown
When alone with my dear little X
And after we've dined, I am sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

(Repeat Chorus)

Why should such sex vex, or disturb or perplex.
Or induce a disparaging tone?
After all, don't you see, since we're both of us me.
When we're making love, I'm alone.

(Repeat Chorus)

And after I'm done, she will still have her fun,
For I'll clone myself twice ere I die.
And this time without fail, they'll be both of them male,
And they'll each ravish her by-and-by.
Back to the Top

Mary Had a Little Skirt

Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one
Back to the Top

Do You Recall the Last Time I Dined Here?

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.  "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
Back to the Top

A Building Contractor is Underpaid

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said.  "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said.  "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
Back to the Top

A Town's Very High Birth-Rate Explained

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
Back to the Top

Mowing the Lawn Come Hell or High Water

There was a small town nestled in a valley which was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally everyone headed for higher ground. Once everyone reached higher ground, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking it seemed that every one was safe, except that there was this little straw hat that would bob down stream about a 50 yards and then bob back up stream 50 yards. It would then move to the side and bob down stream and then back up stream... It kept repeating this.

Nobody could figure out why it was doing this. After awhile of pondering this, a young boy recalled his Granddad saying that come hell or high water he was going to get the lawn mowed. 
Back to the Top

Danger! Beware of Dog!

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.  He asked the store's owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep," the proprietor answered. "That's him."

The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied. "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Back to the Top

This is How Lotteries Really Work

A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."  
Back to the Top

Two Aliens Encounter a Gas Pump

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger of the two. "Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross, and the older one spotted this.

"I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one. The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.

Again there was no response.  Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling.  We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that."  "You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish" replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade. He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion.  A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards into the desert.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.  "What a ferocious creature", said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us!  How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.  "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy." said the healthier one. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."  
Back to the Top

A Pilot is Detained at Area 51

Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.  They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-
such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people inside.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Back to the Top

Boy Scouts Assisting in Disaster Drill

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
Back to the Top

Let's Get a Free Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Back to the Top

A Little Boy Quietly Sobbing in the Rain

Several weekends ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot.

As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9-years-old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Lay
Former CEO, Enron
Back to the Top

The Mind Reading Lesson

One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within."

So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons."

"Er, yes," the young man said.

"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson."

Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.

"Why?" said the young man.

"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."

So the young man looks into the end of the hose. "I don't see anything," he says.

Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young man's face.

"I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man shouts at the old man.

"There. You're a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be 50 dollars."
Back to the Top

The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?"
 
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Back to the Top

Daddy Phones Home

Hi, Honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bennie."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Bennie."

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then, here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Bennie that Daddy's car just pulled up the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God! And what about your Uncle Bennie?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too 'cause he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water out to clean it. So he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead, too."

There was a long pause on the phone.

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 867-5309?"  
Back to the Top

There's Some Idiot in the Next Stall

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."
Back to the Top

Outdoor Survival Skills

Last summer, my husband, Steve, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Steve pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.
 
"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
Back to the Top

What It'd be Like to Have 8 Inches of Snow in June

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, Mister?" she drawled after climbing up into the truck.

"It's Snow... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June... June Hansen," she said.
 
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"I was just imagining what it'd be like having eight inches of Snow in June."
Back to the Top

You Know You're From...

You're from the West Coast when...

--You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.
--The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
--The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
--You know how to eat an artichoke.
--You drive to your neighborhood block party.

You're from New York when...

--You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
--You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
--You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
--You think Central Park is "nature."
--You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You're from Colorado when...

--You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
--You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care.
--A pass does not involve a football or dating.
--The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
--Your bridal registry is at REI.
Back to the Top

Little Johnny Finds His Rooster Dead

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking up in the air?"

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad, that's great", said little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming', and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
Back to the Top

Newly Married Eggs on Their Wedding Night

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, running her hands up and down her smooth, oval body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
Back to the Top

Ben Franklin Raises the Price of a Book

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's bookstores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."

The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a dollar."

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."
Back to the Top

Wal-Mart Announcement Faux Pas

An ex-employee at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods, reports the following: As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in the toy department who needs assistance."
Back to the Top

No Peeing in the Pool

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
Back to the Top

Looking for the Manual for the Toaster Oven

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."
Back to the Top

Angus Gets Quite a Beating

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in..."
Back to the Top

Fat Jokes

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," -- where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "fat-ass-cons"? Here goes:

-- (_._) a regular ass

-- (__.__) a fat ass

-- (.) a tight ass

-- (_._) a flat ass

-- (_^_) a bubble ass

-- (_*_) a sore ass

-- (_.__) a lop-sided ass

-- {_._} a swishy ass

-- (_o_) an ass that's been around

-- (_O_) an ass that's been around even more

-- (_x_) kiss my ass

-- (_X_) leave my ass alone

-- (_zzz_) a tired ass

-- (_o^o_) a wise ass

-- (_13_) an unlucky ass

-- (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

-- (_?_) Dumb Ass

Tips On Impressing Rotund Women

Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass, that's the problem."

Tell her, "Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that dress!

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

A really fat lady, with a HUGE ass and small breasts, was sitting at the bar enjoying her drink. It wasn't long before another customer, a semi-drunk man, came in and sat next to her.

After ordering himself a drink, he looked around and noticed the pear shaped lady. He then bluntly stated to her, "Lady, you sure have a HUGE ass". Upon hearing this, the lady smacked the guy so hard that he fell off of his barstool and left.

It didn't take long for another customer to enter the bar, this time it was a really drunk sailor. He sat down next to the pear shaped lady, looked at her and said "Jesus, lady, you sure do have small breasts!"

The lady said "I know, and I wish that I could do something about it".

The sailor had a suggestion. "You should try this. Take a wad of toilet paper and wipe it up down your breast bone for a few days...that should do the trick".

The lady became curious. "Really?", she said. "Do you think that will work?"

"I'm not sure," the sailor responded, "but it sure did a number on your ass!"
Back to the Top

Unclear on the Concept

When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday."

Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two-dollar bills safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you left."
Back to the Top

The Difference Between a Clock and a Watch

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."
Back to the Top

This is the Best I Can Do for You

An old man lived alone in Palestine. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in an Israeli prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Israeli soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This is the best I can do for you at this time."
Back to the Top

A Young Helmsman's Education

He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Back to the Top

Goth Jokes

Old Goths don't die, they just need less makeup.

Two Goths are walking down the road and one says, "I just bought the new 'Love Like Blood CD'."
The other says "Fuck me, a talking Goth!"

Q: How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change it, and two to talk about Lord Byron's Grand Tour and creative uses of laudanum in a metaphysical environment.

Q: Why is it so hard for Goths to get work?
A: Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.
Back to the Top

I Just Usually Put My Car in Park

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
Back to the Top

Pleading on Behalf of an Unfortunate Family

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Back to the Top

His Neighbor is Always Borrowing Something

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
Back to the Top

Isn't That the Pope Over There?

Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized.

"I say", said the first, "Isn't that the pope over there?"

"I really don't know," came the reply. "Why don't you go and ask him?"

"Good idea." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner.

"Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the pope?"

"Fuck off and die, dickhead!" replied the elderly man irritably.

Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend.

"What did he say?" he asked.

"He said, 'fuck off and die, dickhead!'"

"Damn. Now we'll never know if he was the pope."
Back to the Top

Just Thrown Away a Gutenberg Bible

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
Back to the Top

I'm Here for My Postnatal Exercises

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.
Back to the Top

Dealing With Obtuseness

My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."
Back to the Top

Time to Learn Another Language

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat & drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what gives you heart attacks! Encourage our children to learn another language.
Back to the Top

Selling Files in a Hardware Store

A guy goes into a hardware store. He flags down an employee and asks him for a file.

The employee points to a file at the right side of the cabinet, "You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

The employee points to a file at the left side of the cabinet, "You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

"Well, what do you want?"

The customer points to a file in the middle. "I want that son-of-a-bitch right there."

And Version 2:

An elderly woman in the deep South finds herself in financial difficulties. So she had to get a job. Luckily she found a job in a hardware store, even though she knew nothing about hardware. A customer comes in and says he wants a file.

"What kind of file?" she asks.

"I need a flat bastard," he replies.

"Sir! You shouldn't use foul language in front of a lady!"

He replies that he was just giving the name of the file. So she calls the manager and he confirms, explaining that that is the name of the kind of file he wants.

So she is still indignant but calms down and waits for the next customer. A Cajun comes in and he, too, asks for a file.

The lady, having come to terms with files, asks, "Do you want a flat bastard?"

"Naw, give me one of those little round mother-fuckers."
Back to the Top

Investigating Cockfights in Louisiana

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."
Back to the Top

Fire Department Called for Rattlesnakes

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Back to the Top

Inviting a Bum Home for Dinner

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?"

"No, I don't golf either," says the bum.

The man then asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
Back to the Top

He Keeps Bees in His Closet

Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.

"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got , I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Brooklyn."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So fuck'em. I hate bees."
Back to the Top

The Hitchhiker and the Empty Car

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and it stops.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time, just before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped the room when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the guy who climbed into the car we were pushing."
Back to the Top

Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."
Back to the Top

A Strange Cure for Snoring

A woman is chatting with her friends at the beauty parlor one afternoon about their husbands and other pressing issues. One woman tells her friends about how her husband is constantly getting liquored up at night. When he comes home, he passes out and snores at such a high volume that she is unable to sleep.

Luckily for her, one of the other wives had gone through the same ordeal and found a solution. "Here's what you need to do. After he falls asleep, take a piece of ribbon and tie it around his pecker. I've done it to my husband hundreds of times and it has yet to fail me."

Figuring she had nothing to lose, the troubled wife decided to give it a shot.

As usual, the husband had gone out with the boys to get sauced. As the wife layed in bed, her dog climbed in next to her and fell asleep. As he did, he began to snore. The wife decided to test the theory, hoping it would work on animals as well. She took a piece of red ribbon and tied it around the dog's piece. Sure enough, the snoring stopped!

The wife was amazed and was eager to test it out on her husband. Hours later, the husband staggered through the front door and passed out on the living room couch. His immediate roaring snore awoke the wife. She took a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's member. As expected, the snoring stopped!

The next morning, groggy and aching, the husband awoke to find the dog next to him on the couch, a red ribbon tied around its pecker. He felt a slight discomfort around his own, and looked down to find the blue one wrapped around it.

The man looked at the dog and said, "I don't know what happened or what we did last night, but it looks like we took first and second place."
Back to the Top

Finding the Designer Label for her Dress

A woman phoned my husband at the dry cleaners he works for, saying that the designer label was missing from her dress's neckband. Assuring her that he would look for it, my husband spent the whole afternoon searching the shop. Finally, he found the label in a trash bin. He cleaned and pressed it, and dropped it off at the customer's home.

"Oh, thank you," she gushed. "I'm having a garage sale tomorrow, and I can always charge a few dollars more for a dress with a label on it."
Back to the Top

Believing in Luck has Nothing to do With it

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
Back to the Top

Henry Kissinger Arranges a Marriage

Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..."

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Back to the Top

Johnson Calls on Saint Francis

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint, Saint Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I don't know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"

"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?"
Back to the Top

Talking Too Slow for His Own Good

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I w...a...s a...l...m...o...s...t m...a...r...r...i...e...d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes, "Y...e...s, I w...e...n...t t...o a d...o...c...t...o...r a...n...d h...e t...o...l...d m...e
t...h...a...t i...f I s...p...e...a...k s...l...o...w...l...y I w...o...u...l...d n...o...t s...t...u...t...t...e...r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married.

"W...e...l...l, m...y f...i...a...n...c...e...e a...n...d I w...e...r...e s...i...t...t...i...n...g o...n h...e...r
p...o...r...c...h, a...n...d t...h...e d...o...g w...a...s s...c...r...a...t...c...h...i...n...g h...i...s b...a...c...k
s...o I t...o...l...d h...e...r t...h...a...t w...h...e...n w...e a...r...e m...a...r...r...i...e...d, s...h...e c...a...n
d...o t...h...a...t f...o...r m...e. A...n...d t...h...e...n. s...h...e t...h...r...e...w t...h...e r...i...n...g i...n m...y f...a...c...e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W...e...l...l, I s...p...e...a...k s...o s...l...o...w...l..y, t...h...a...t b...y t...h...e t...i...m...e s...h...e
l...o...o...k...e...d a...t t...h...e d...o...g, h...e w...a...s l...i...c...k...i...n...g h...i...s b...a...l...l...s."
Back to the Top

Miss-Understood

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was young. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage, and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."
Back to the Top

Who Reads Which Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who suck dick, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
Back to the Top

Fat Jokes

One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well-dressed business lady.

The kid could not help but notice her size. "Dad, look at her! She is so huge!!!"

The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt her feelings."

The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"

The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!!!"

Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."

The kid screams "Dad look out!!! She's backing up!!!"

A fat lady is lying on the beach. A lifeguard approaches her and says, "Excuse me ma'am, could you please leave the beach?"

The obese lady replies, "Why? What's wrong?"

"We'll you see," says the lifeguard, "it's getting pretty late, and the tide wants to come in!"
Back to the Top

Catching a Shoplifter

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
Back to the Top

Getting a Table at a Fancy Restaurant

The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Johnson came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Johnson."

"Good! I'll take it. The President isn't coming!"
Back to the Top

Inheritance

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.

His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles- 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes - so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.

His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Dallas Cowboys.
Back to the Top

Parcel Post Delivery

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
Back to the Top

Faced With a Difficult Decision...

I was faced with a difficult decision recently and asked my friends what I should do. This is what I got...

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword.

Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The nail that sticks out gets hammered.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry.

Now what do I do???
Back to the Top

Let's Discuss Nuclear Power

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
Back to the Top

Welcome to Minnesota

WELCOME TO MINNESOTA, following are a few tips for anyone moving to this great state...

First, the West Nile fever season here is really short. Ditto, malaria and any other disease carried by mosquitoes.

At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty! By December you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow! Deep snow that doesn't go away. The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails red is so they can find the damned things.

You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear above the ankle is considered lingerie.

When you pack to come to Minnesota, you need only to bring one short sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you want to fly back home for vacation). Short sleeved shirts are handed down here from generation. The short sleeved shirt season here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on the 28th.

We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will kidnap your children before they even start school, so beware. They'll return them in April. As for baseball we never know if we have a team or not.

Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest, and one Krispy Kreme. Guess where everybody wants to go?

And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because of what you see behind the bar. That's only a jar of pickled pig's feet.

Welcome to Minnesota!