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Don't miss the original Miscellaneous Humor Page!
So, You Think You're Having a Bad Day There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. A Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M.,all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. Having a Bad Day? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a bad day? A woman came
home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in
a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal
rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped
through a broken fence, stampeding madly. What?! STILL having a bad day? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. And... The next
time you're having a bad day, imagine this: There now,
feeling better? An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond. Walking over to a young boy who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?" "Oh, only a few inches," replied the boy. After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat and, within a few seconds, was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond he finally reached his hat, and then struggled back to edge. Climbing out, he turned towards the boy and screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!" "Well,"
shrugged the boy, "the water only comes half way up that duck over
there." Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived. One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister,"
he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days
you're goin' to get caught!" It was very
crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large
order. As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its
bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They
just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted
to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
A Waitress With a Bad Credit Card At a diner, I was standing in line to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?" As the women's
faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen, also the cook,
calmly walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, the
first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer,
who might have been thinking about leaving you a tip." A 17-Year-Old Girl is Pregnant A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!" "Good
morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach
villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will
be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins,
a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.' Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Heck no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.' The old lady
fainted. There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer
looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" How Many Bricks to Finish the Courtyard While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." "So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen. The guide
replied, "One." True Life is Funnier than Jokes Ever Want to Curl Up and Die? I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. ====================== Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. ====================== Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC Ho, Ho, Ho I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! ====================== Name Withheld Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." ====================== Colleen Collins, 31, Fernda! le, MI Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. ====================== While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The Silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. ====================== Diane E. Amov Ask a child the same question too many times... Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for The best laugh they'd ever had! ====================== One night my newlywed husband and I were talking in bed. I had my arm behind his head and his pillow and as I flexed my elbow to get more comfortable, my hand flopped over inches above his face. My dear, strong, brave, heroic military husband who to my knowledge had never been afraid of anything evidently saw the slight movement near his face and thought he caught sight of the biggest spider ever. At this point my hubby screamed like a 6 year old girl, and jumped over MY body, out of the bed, and completely out of our bedroom without ever touching the floor. As I laid there, a little concerned, wondering if he had just lost his mind, he flipped on the bedroom light, flyswatter in hand, and asked ME to find the giant spider. After much confusion I finally determined that he had spotted my hand in front of his face and thought it was a tarantula hanging from the ceiling, about to get him. I almost didn't get to sleep that night between giggling and wondering what would happen if a real spider suddenly appeared. ====================== Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $45 service fee, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as
they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked
me to move my car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $45. ====================== No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row." ====================== When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk." "I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?" The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, our appointment was tomorrow." ====================== We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?" While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect." ====================== While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima." ====================== "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff." The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!" ====================== Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!" ====================== At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?" ====================== When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint." ====================== When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. "I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife's bra." ====================== While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed an embarrassing case of hiccups. When he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have gotten worse. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. "Why not?" my friend asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000." "It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!" "Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone." ====================== On a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived at the airport in Delhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he was greeted by his hospitable Indian host. The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare, which seemed reasonable, so my friend handed him the money. But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. The host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, the host gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how his trip had been. "Fine," the businessman replied, "until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk." ====================== I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in the toy department who needs assistance." ====================== A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers. ====================== My mother, my son (who is now three years old) and I were in a local department store. My son brought along his toy soldier doll. He ended up leaving the toy in my mother's cart, but I didn't know this at the time and I asked him, "Honey, where is your little man?" He looked very confused, touched the front of his pants and said, with utmost sincerity, "It's right here, Mom!" I was floored, although everyone else in the store seemed to be very amused! ====================== Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good." ====================== When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look about twenty years younger." ====================== People in a small town can exhibit extraordinary levels of trust. I was collecting shopping carts outside the grocery store where I work when a man and woman pulled up in a brand-new sports car. Noticing the dealer plates and the price sticker on the window, I assumed the couple were deciding whether to buy the vehicle. "Test drive?" I asked. The man gave me a long, careful stare. "I guess," he shrugged and tossed me the keys. ====================== It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. The last time he came over I was on the defensive. "If you sent out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion." He looked
at me and said, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard,
call me." ====================== Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement. Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis." She interrupted
me at once. "I'm a what?" ====================== Anyone that
has had a hamster should be able to relate.
I put my best hamster-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well,
what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
"No,
but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well,
it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed
me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, GROSS!", they shrieked. "Well,
isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little
hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breached," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should
I call 9-1-1?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't
think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most males of any species, they um... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?", my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then laugh even more loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter once again. 2 Hamsters - 10 bucks... 1 Cage - 20 bucks... 1 trip to the vet - 30 bucks... Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tally-wacker... Priceless!
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian
paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins: Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac. Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty. The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all. Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed. Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans. The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show. This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN. Crazy? He does wear
red in every episode... Radio Game Yields Hysterical Results On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down. DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great!
Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win.
What is your name? First only please." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." (3 minutes
of commercials follow.) (touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?" Sara: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?" Sara: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?" Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work" DJ: "What time?" Sara: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" Sara: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sara: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..." DJ: "She saw?" Sara: "BRIAN?!" Brian: "No, no I didn't..." DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?" Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this." Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida." DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?" Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass." (long, long pause) DJ: "We'll
be right back after a word from our sponsors." Determined to See the Magic Show With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee. The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave. "I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician. "Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas. "Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!" Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids." With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick. "Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants." The man looks skeptical but does as he's told. "Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?" The man winces and replies, "Yeah." The magician
holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front
of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah." White Couple Trying for a Black Baby Sandy and Thorn were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby. Nine months
later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased
but disappointed, Thorn decided to ask a black man at work why he thought
he couldn't make a black baby. Thorn had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least 4" wide?" Once more Thorn replied in the negative. "Well,
man, there's your problem!" Black guy slapping Thorn on the back.
"You let in too much light!" John was invariably upbeat, and his usual reply to any bad news was, "It could have been worse." He began to get on his colleague's nerves, and they schemed to find a way to make him give some other answer. Finally, they thought they had one. One day, when he came in to work, one of them asked him, "Did you hear about Ted?" He replied, "No, what happened?" They told him that Ted had come back Wednesday from a business trip, and caught his wife in bed with someone else, and killed the other man. John replied, "It could have been worse." His friends
asked him how it could have been worse, and he said, "He could have
come home Tuesday night, when I was there." Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card
was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs,
one without. Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants." "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it." About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?" "Aye,"
says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything
was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald
walked in..." One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer. The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?" The desk
sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's
office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that
his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name." Prostitutes Having a Yard Sale I passed by the nursing home &there were six old ladies lying naked in front grass. I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk and I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today. On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard and to quench my curiosity, I went inside and asked to speak to the director of the facility. I asked him
if he knew there were six naked old ladies lying on his front lawn. He
replied, "Yes, I know. They're retired prostitutes and they're having
a yard sale!" The Most Effective Weight Loss Program A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next
day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard
Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine! "Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern. "You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets. "You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this. "You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that. "NICE
GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average,
nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish
last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice
guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were. A Screenwriter's Home Burns Down A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........" "Wait!
Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?" Lawnmower For Sale (after reading this one!!) GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ... GOD: Never
mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. Asking God for the Lottery Numbers Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Then a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning
number was 707. I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following
the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, today
I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of
Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of rocky
road. .............You have no idea how good I feel. The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. 3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it. Steven Spielberg Discussing His New Project Steven Spielberg
was discussing his new project. It's a drama about famous composers, starring
top stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present. Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select whatever
composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do," said Bob. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She
just died and left me everything!" My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good. But the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, "Son ... don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller." Makes ya
almost cry, don't it? There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it." The city boy confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken." The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was. The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard." The man just said, "That's an ass." The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey. As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again." So the city
boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he
can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to
drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts
to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women
walks up and asks him if he needs help. The city boy thinks, 'hey why
don't I try to impress this beautiful woman by using my new slang terms
that I learned today?' So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah,
could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?" Two Foreigners Eating Hot Dogs Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them
opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns
to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" You Might be a Biker if... Your best shoes have steel toes. Every left shoe you own has a black spot on it from the shift lever. You owned three different bikes before you ever owned a car. Your best friends are named after animals. You think Easy Rider has held up pretty well after all these years. When you refer to Captain America, you mean the bike and not the comic book hero. You know that Marlon Brando rode a Triumph in The Wild One and not a Harley-Davidson. You also know that it was Lee Marvin who rode the Harley in The Wild One. You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher. Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbed wire. You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste. You're only sunburned on the back of your hands and neck. You carry around a crushed beer can in case you have to park your bike on hot asphalt. You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off. Your significant other (SO) has to climb over your bike to do the laundry in the basement. You don't know how to do laundry, but you have four different kinds of cleaners for your bike. You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet. You wave at bikers even when you're in your car. Your other vehicle is a truck equipped with a motorcycle ramp. Your three piece suit consists of leather chaps, a leather vest, and a leather jacket. Your other suit is a rain suit. You wake up next to your SO and your first thought is if your bike will start. You know where Sturgis is. You take your kids for a ride on your bike before they can walk. You can't remember your kids' names or birthdays, but you can remember that Harley-Davidson made the Knucklehead, Panhead, Shovelhead, Evolution, and Twin Cam 88. You are currently wearing two or more articles of clothing that have a Harley-Davidson label in them. Folks at the Harley store know you by name. You have
your own coffee cup at the Harley store.
"My girlfriend, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. "No,"
says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tlotlay amzanig,
huh? The
Height of All Things Height of
Frustration: Height of
Innocence: Height of
Unemployment: Height of
Laziness: Height of
Competition: Height of
Sophistication: Height of
Disgust: Height of
Technology: Height of
Trouble: I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip. To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza. "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory. "Yep,"
he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room
and back!" After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new phone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked confused. "Umm, he's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know,"
he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half-hour!" A man walked into the office one day with two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asks his co-worker. "Well, I went to the hockey game last night. At one point during the game, everyone was standing up. I noticed that the woman in front of me had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her ass. So, I decided to be a gentleman and pull the dress out. And when I did, she turned around and punched me in the eye." "I see," said his co-worker. "But how did you get the other black eye?" "Well,
when I saw how upset she was, I tucked it back in." To
Make the World a Better Place In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet. 1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other. 2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space. 3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators. 4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like "May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder" must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: "Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental." 5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This Door Is Locked for No Reason." 6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway. 7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase. 7a. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, "Now what do I want?" and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot. 8. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal. 9. All Americans will appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough.
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