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This guy says to his
buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
When the man came
home, his wife was crying.
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied,
"I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if
you came to visit us again."
Tom was on the side
of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long
black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single
A big-game hunter
went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still
deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to
her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
John was in a bar
looking very dejected.
A couple was going
out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
Behind every successful
man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
One year, a particular
harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked
him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought
you last year!"
The newly wed wife
said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news
for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of
The little boy greeted
his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma.
Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
Driving This Car?
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him.
"You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of fine breeding and position, and a tragic, loose little office slut." his mother-in-Law admonished him.
The man replied,
"And you, my dear Mrs. Johnson obviously don't appreciate the difference
between cool, dignified acquiescence, and genuine, enthusiastic boots
'n' all fucking."
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my soon-to-be father-in-law. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.
I also kept
to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says,
"Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later
he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."