"Even Bach comes down to the basic suck, blow, suck,
suck, blow"
(collected from several Newsgroups)
A trombonist in the orchestra took a much needed vacation, and during that time he took in an evening of selections from Mozart, Beethoven and Brahms at the opera house. When he came back to work his fellow trombonist asked how things had gone. "The best part," said he, "was the opera house." "Really," said his friend. "Why?" "I found it so astonishing. You know that part where we go: pah -- pah -- pah -- pah-pah? Well, do you know what the rest of the orchestra is doing? They're playing a symphony!" My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups, and she asked me to name 2 of them. "Yes!" I said. "Who?" she asked. "There you go," I replied. "Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?" "Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea. "You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly. "Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..." "Oh, really?" "Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."
Quasimodo is retiring, so he runs an ad for a replacement bellringer. The guy who shows up is a little scrawny fella. "You can't possibly be strong enough to pull the rope!" Q says. the fella replies that his technique is to run into the bell with his forehead. Well, at his first demonstration, the bell rings fine - but then knocks him over on the return, sending him smashing onto the pavement below. The police inquire of his name. Says Quasimodo, " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."
The next day, another guy, the spitting image of the first one, appears - the brother, in fact, of the first one. He assures Q that he is smarter and quicker than his brother, and will get out of the way. All is well until payday - when he comes to work stinking drunk. Sure enough, he too is knocked to the ground by the bell, and dies. Once again, the police inquire. Again, Quasimodo says, "I never got his name, but isn't he a dead ringer for his brother?"
Jerry Garcia arrives in the afterlife and finds Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, etc waiting for him in a top-notch studio. "Wow", he says, "Heaven's gonna be great!" Jimi says, "Heaven?" Just then Karen Carpenter walks in and says "Break's over, let's do 'Close to You' again, from the top." Ingredients
First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals. Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first. Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies. When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side. WARNING:
Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as
heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and
extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other
hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for
Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors
be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated
in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Thanks to David Borque of the Toronto Symphony for uploading this recipe to the AFM BBS. 1. Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues, will he be able to retire on the money he has saved, if he invests it in mutual bonds yielding 8.7% before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probability of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again! 2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, 3 months and 7 days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practicing altogether 4 years, 6 months and 3 days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass? 3. Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians? 4. Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years? 5. Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts, she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra, and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16458 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected? 6. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live? 7. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages, she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
Sonny Bono (Featuring Michael Kennedy)
(Sung to the tune: I'VE GOT YOU, BABE")
Mike: They say that we can't go down the hill,
Before we go, we really should write a will.
Sonny: Well I don't know if all that's true,
Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it really grew.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you tree
I hit you tree
Mike: They say football on skis is really dumb,
Before we know it we'll both be very numb.
Sonny: I guess that's so, the wind's in our hair,
You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you, tree.
I hit you, tree.
Mike: I got flowers on my grave.
It was stupid, but baby, we seemed brave.
Sonny: And we weren't drunk, just acting like
clowns.
We didn't see the tree, but we sure found the
ground.....ounnnnnnd
Mike: Don't let them say that we can't ski,
We were doin' pretty good 'til we hit that goddamn tree.
Sonny: So I put my little hand on the branch,
Thought I'd break my fall, but wound up buying the ranch.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you, tree.
I hit you, tree.
Sonny: I had Cher to hold my hand.
Mike: She had you then found a real man.
Sonny: I had Newt to think with me.
Mike: I had Ted to drink with me.
Sonny: I went and kissed that tree goodnight.
Mike: Split my skull from left to right.
Sonny: I hit the tree, I can't let go.
Mike: My blood is dripping on the snow.
Both: I hit you, tree.
I hit you, tree.
I hit you, tree.
I hit you, tree. (out)
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims... At this point, you must understand two things: (1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. (2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded. The Life and Art of Bass Playing by Tony Levin In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And
it was so. This story comes from Larry Long, 2nd bassoon of the Owensboro Symphony, who swears it is true. He works as a woodwind repairman at Music Central in Bowling Green, KY. Last week a woman called the store asking for a repairman. The reconstructed conversation follows:
This
is the end of the story as related, but Larry says several questions come
to mind: Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows: MEMORANDUM 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above,
one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters,
his symphony would probably have been finished by now. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the
best violins on the block." The Difference Between Country-Western and Rock-n-Roll Driving home from
church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western
station. A Trumpeter Goes to See the Movie He Played For A trumpeter is hired
to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely
and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is
released to the public. Doing a Project on 70's Rock Groups My daughter was doing
a project on 70's rock groups, and she asked me to name 2 of them. How
to sing the Blues . . . A Primer
1) Most Blues begin,
"Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good
woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something
nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3) The Blues is simple.
After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not
about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way
out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys,
Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't
sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.
7) Blues can take
place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard
times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8) A man with male
pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg
'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have
no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside
to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for
the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey
glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; b) Gallery openings; c)
Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe
it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic
person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the
right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind;
c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You
have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man
in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a
matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the
blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the
blues.
14) If you ask for
water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable
Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier;
b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs
in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the
back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't
have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names
for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names
for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names
like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter
how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own
Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how
tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. Switching From Piano to Clarinet David bought his wife
a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, his friend Bill asked how
she was doing with it. "Oh," said David, "I persuaded her
to switch to a clarinet." Mozart Gives Advice on Composing A young man is reported
to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one
of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart,
I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me
how to get started." Walking downtown one day, I noticed that a music store had just opened. Inside the shop, my attention was caught by a huge Oriental gong, and I went up to take a closer look. The gong was four feet in diameter. On a rope next to it hung a two-foot-long mallet with a top the size of a softball. A piece of notebook paper bearing one word in large letters was taped to the center of the gong. The word
was "NO!" An Accordion Player Goes for Coffee There is a accordion player driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls into a local store for some coffee. While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He rushes out only to realize that he is too late. The back
window of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in two more
accordions. Inspiration for his Vulgar Compositions A bloke goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, the most amazing piano music starts being played. He thinks it is the most wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist. "I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful." "Thank you very much," says the pianist. "However, I've never heard this song before, what is it called?" "It's called: I shag my wife up the arse and cum all over her tits." "Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it? I must say though, that I'm having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it, but perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be playing - my guests wouldn't approve." "No problem," says the pianist. Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most dreadful music he has ever heard. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy. "I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank." "A wank? But you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are here." "I know but I can't play well until I've had one." "OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just get back here as soon as you can." Ten minutes later the guy comes back from the bathroom, sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to. After a little while a lady walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, but do you know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your trousers?" "Know
it?" he says, "I wrote it." |
