"Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!"
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may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known
as a honeymooner.
Irish girl finally got her fiancé to the altar two weeks before Easter.
On their wedding night, she put on a very short, sexy nightgown and crawled
into bed. But her husband didn't respond.
A bride called
to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected,
that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes,
linen colors, etc.). The Customer Service Representative asked if she
wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
and his fiancée Mary met with the to discuss their marriage vows.
Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed by Sam, his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked Morris the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Morris, "I'm sure that I am."
long and carefully now," said Sherry's father.
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her
left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet
tall, 178 pounds!"
A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asked, "Honey, what do you think about the Middle East position."
replied, "I don't know, have we already tried it?"
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.
looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"
it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble
enough explaining you to her."
Bill had always been
a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some
type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself,
he was dreading the
A man and woman are standing
at the altar, waiting to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her
prospective groom and sees a set of golf clubs standing next to him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispers.
The newlywed couple arrives
in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both
virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows
how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts
to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband.
A couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite, on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly man, tosses his pants to his bride and says, "Here, put these on!"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said.
"That's right", said the husband, "And don't you forget it!". "I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's
right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes."
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a marriage of the 90's which meant equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled egg. Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You
idiot, you scrambled the wrong egg!"
Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering "Take me Paddy. Take me now!"
Paddy (having been a good Catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.
Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.
Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"
Then she watched in amazement
as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR
SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied
the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, and some great porno flicks.
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention.
"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
Bob's dad interrupted
and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the
happiest day of your life."
Proud and pleased as
she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford Summers, strode briskly
up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for
the first time. When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed,
the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I
heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Stanford Summers."
Ginger is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So Ginger practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough.
A girl is about to tie
the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr, met for lunch.
"Well, son," asked Joe Sr, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Joe Jr. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
Joe Sr, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's
because we aren't married yet."
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going coochie cooh?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie, but at the bar, you know, you get the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?"
She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife gets chills from holding it.
The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those snacks that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want snacks poochie pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different snacks. Chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweetie puss, at the bar... you know... the swearing, the dirty insults and all that..."
"You want dirty
words and insults cutie pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING
FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
Just a few days after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds switch off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning amorously towards his new bride, he tenderly informs her that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the full deal.
She, still being very naive, had not a clue what a "hand job" was. So, she climbs out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call mom.
"Mom," she says, "my new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means?"
"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing, and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."
"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies.
So she hangs
up the phone, goes back to the bedroom, removes her robe and crawls back
into the sack. She snuggles up to her husband, grabs his thing firmly
with one hand and starts pounding the head with the other.
this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding
night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want
to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop
nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room
with all the lights switched off.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee."Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"
A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere.
She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:
A young man and woman met, fell in love at first sight and decided to get married immediately. Because they had known each other for only a short time, they agreed not to talk about their past history.
On their honeymoon, they stopped at a motel with a swimming pool, put on their swim suits and went to the pool. The husband climbed to the top of the high diving board and proceeded to execute one fantastic dive after another. The other motel guests at the pool cheered and applauded his outstanding performance. Although they had agreed not to discuss the past, he confessed to his bride he once had been an Olympic diving champ.
After a few moments, his wife stood up, walked to the edge of the pool, dived in and knifed through the water like a shark. Reaching the other side of the pool, she sprang from the water, turned around, dived back into the water and swam to the other side in just a few seconds. She repeated this behavior for about five minutes before she finally stopped and sat down beside her husband. He was absolutely astounded by this incredible performance and said,
"Although we agreed not to talk about the past, I just have to know where you learned to swim like that!"
very simple. I once was a hooker in Venice, Italy."
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what at happened and the husband explained, "As a child I had kneasels."
"Kneesels?" she asked, "What on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measles except they only affect the knees."
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they too were all mangled and scared. She asked about this and he replied, "Oh, as a child I had tolio."
"Tolio?" she asked, "What on earth is that?"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes."
As he began
to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let me guess
- small cox."
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like
a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.