A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to New York. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
 
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the  crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
 
His co-worker urged him to reconsider pointing out that New York is a magnificent city, with world class museums, Broadway, Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, the United Nations, outstanding dining, etc.

Then he added, "Why I myself worked in New York for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
 
"What did you do there?"
 
"I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankee fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Yankee fans also. Not really knowing what a Yankee fan is, but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks

There is, however, one exception, a boy names Colin, who did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Yankee fan."

The teacher asks, "What are you?"

"Why, I'm proud to be a Mets fan," boasts the little boy. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Colin why he is a Mets fan.

"Well, my dad and my mom are Mets fans, so I'm a Mets fan too."

The teacher now becomes angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.  "What if you mom was a moron and your dad was a moron?  What would you be then?"

"Well," says Colin, "then I'd be a Yankee fan!"
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A Portugese tourist visiting New York City stopped a passerby.
"Excuse me," he said.  "Can you tell me where the Empire State Building is, or should I go fuck myself again?"
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A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What's dis 'excuse me' shit?"
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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It's Been Over Five Years Since I Came Here

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

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