One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".
evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow
what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn
fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish".
And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the
new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"
nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint
on their habits. After conferring about this for a while the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man,"
replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at
each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting
a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice breasts,"
says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
other nun says, "It's the cobblestones." -- (rimshot)
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agrees to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However," said the priest, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree and run off.
Monday morning comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Okay, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit the dog and killed it." The priest looks up at heaven for half a minute then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
The third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned." The priest says, "Ok. Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do this weekend that was so
darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he realizes that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I must perform a necessary function." The nun agrees, but looks a little puzzled. "Father, how will I know what penance to give to who?" The priest replies, "There's a little list on the wall. Consult it and it'll tell you what to do." and he runs off.
A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my neighbor." The nun looks at the list on the wall and finds stealing on the list. "Say two Hail Marys and be on your way." She thinks to herself, this isn't too hard. A few minutes later, another fellow walks in. "Father forgive me, for I have sinned." he says. "I have fornicated." The nun looks on the list and finds fornication. She says to him "Say two Hail Marys and an Our Father and be on your way." She then starts thinking , " this isn't hard at all! I could do this more often!" A third man walks in and says, " Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I had oral sex," The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously and spots an altar boy. She pulls him aside and asks him, "What does the Father give for oral sex?"
boy replies, "I don't know what he gives you, Sister, but he give
me two Snickers bars and a pat on the head."
Father John's Bath...
was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old
nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at
Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to
do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how
the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young
nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a
terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in
the sanctity of the confessional.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She responds, "Well..., let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says,
"That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A group of nuns are traveling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldy, do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!!", he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language". "Sorry Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch ! ! !", he yelled again.
"Please don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us".
"But I got so upset, and it just comes out".
"Well!," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like "Sweet Jesus, help me."
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son..", but he corrected himself and instead said "Sweet Jesus help me."
the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the
car and said, "Son-of-a - bitch!'
Following the nocturnal break-in to a convent by a group of monks from the nearby monastery, the Mother Superior calls 4 nuns into her office for suspicious behavior. Having told them that she knows they did something sinful last night, she has convinced the nuns to confess all so they may receive their punishments.
She asks the first nun, "Did you touch any of the men's...genitals?" Sheepishly, head bowed, the first nun replies in the affirmative. "And what did you touch...'it' with?", the Mother Superior asks.
"With the tip of my index finger," the first nun replies. "Well then," says the Mother Superior, slightly shocked, "you must go and bathe the tip of your index finger in the Holy Water. Begone from my sight, child!". And so the first nun departs to pay her penance.
"And you, my dear," she says to the second nun, "what did you touch...'it' with?" After a pause, the second nun replies "I held it in my whole hand." The Mother Superior gasps, shocked to the core. "Well! Really! Then you must bathe your whole hand in the Holy Water. Begone from my sight, child!" And so the second nun departs.
Mother Superior turns to the third nun and is about to ask her the question
when the fourth nun interrupts: "Now hang on a second," she
says, "if you think I'm going to gargle the Holy Water after she's
washed her ass in it, you've got another think coming!"
Three Nuns Encounter a Naked Man
There are 2 guys who live in a ministry. They went across the hall from their quarters to take a shower. When they got there they realized they forgot the soap. So one of them said that he would just quickly run over and get the soap, without getting dressed. As he was going back he noticed 3 nuns coming down the hall, so he decided to freeze in place and act like a statue.
When they came along the first nun said, "Wow look at that, it must be some kind of dispenser." So she pulled on the guys penis and he dropped the bar of soap.
The second nun thought the same, and did the same and it happened again, he dropped the second bar of soap.
nun examined him and said, "No, he must be some other kind of dispenser."
After she pulled on his penis she exclaimed, "See! It's a hand cream
Two Nuns Traveling in Transylvania
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts,
FUCK OFF OF OUR CAR!!!! "
Sister Eulalia's Good Deed Pays Off
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and
found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a
word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were
for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair
When 'Our' is Not the Right Word to Use
At a small parish
in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day,
one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning
to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe
your rugs need to be replaced soon."
Three nuns on a train
had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what
their greatest sins were.
the Hospital Bill
She Wants to Come Back as Alice Kapipaline
die and go to heaven. They are greeted at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them, "Ladies, because you have given such valuable
service to God while on earth, he is granting you each one wish.
You can go back to earth for one day as anyone you choose to be."
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just hookers who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the priests only
used to give us an apple."
How Do You Pronounce Your Husband's Name?
As a Dominican
sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while
I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a
gas station to get the communal car filled up.
me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's
novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns,
they came into the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting to perform
the ceremony to marry them to God.
A Nun and a Priest in the Desert
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot, and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it into that camel and
lets get the hell out of here!"
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.
Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop
happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said,
"Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure
do admire your faith!"
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129."
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129."
Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.
Once he arrives
at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said: "GO
FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
Five nuns were riding down the road in a Yugo. The car wrecked and they all die. All five nuns were standing in line waiting to get in through the gates of Heaven when St. Peter appears. He tells them that they all have to answer one question before entering the gates and so they agree.
He asked the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
She holds her head down in shame and says, "Yes. Just one time with this hand."
St. Peter says, "Okay, wash your hand in this Holy Water and then pass through the gate."
He asks the second nun the same question and she says, "Yes. Just one time because I couldn't help myself and I used these fingers."
St. Peter tells the nun to wash her fingers in the Holy Water and then pass through the gate. Before he could ask the third nun, the fifth nun was jumping up and down at the back of the line trying to get St. Peter's attention. He notices the commotion and says, "May I help you ma'am?"
to the fourth nun she says, "May I gargle the Holy Water before she
washes her ass with it?"
Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution
A man is
driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and just drives on.
sees another sign which says...
these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third
gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side
of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.
The man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
Two Nuns Accosted in Central Park
Two nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late at night and 2 men came out of the bushes, and started to force them into having sex.
The first nun prayed saying, "Forgive him Lord for he does not know what he is doing."
other nun screams, "Mine does!"