Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
	You can't buy happiness....but you CAN lease it.
	Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
	Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
	Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"
	A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
	Remember that mothering is only one letter away from smothering.
	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
	I went to see my doctor because I had a piece of cereal stuck in my ear. He told me I wasn't eating right.
	If our country believes in free speech, why do we have phone bills?
	Why do people insist on doing their own top ten list? If Letterman's isn't funny anymore, then theirs sure as heck won't be.
	Re Georgia Perimeter University: How would you like to be a graduate of a university named after a road that doesn't go anywhere?
	My husband just left on a four-day business trip. I am already enjoying his vacation.
	I hate convertibles. It's like riding in a car with no top on it.
	What do Ronald Reagan and the telephone company's Memory Call have in common? Neither one can remember.
	To those feminist who prefer that the Bible be changed to gender neutral: Why is Satan always a man?
	Over Thanksgiving holiday with my family, I frequently asked myself the question, "Is it polite to tell people to go stuff their bird?"
	My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is.
	The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
	I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
	I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
	I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
	I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
	I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
	The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
	If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
	I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
	The last time I had this much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull through.
	Your artistic license has just been REVOKED.
	A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
	Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
	Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
	Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
	Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
	3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
	Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
	Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
	...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
	A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
	For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
	I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
	The beatings will continue until morale improves.
	I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
	Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
	Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
	Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
	There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
	I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
	Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
	A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
	I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
	Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
	If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
	Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
	Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
	If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
	If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
	If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
	Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
	It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
	Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
	Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
	Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
	Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
	Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
	Do witches run spell checkers?
	Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
	Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
	Dain bramaged.
	Department of Redundancy Department
	Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
	What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
	24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
	Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
	All computers wait at the same speed.
	DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors
	(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
	Did you hear about the insomniac, neurotic, agnostic dyslexic? He stayed up all night worrying about the existence of Dog.
	Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
	Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
	I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
	I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
	If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
	If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
	Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
	The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
	When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
	Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
	Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....
	24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
	Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
	Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
	Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
	Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
	I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
	Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
	How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
	Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
	Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
	Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
	For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
	OK, so what's the speed of dark?
	Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
	Black holes are where God divided by zero.
	All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
	I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
	I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
	Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace will do that to you.
	Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
	Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? A: A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
	Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying? A: A woman's mouth!
	When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
	I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said "no", so I let her up.
	I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
	Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.
	Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
	And remember, aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment
	A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
	The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
	It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
	Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
	The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!"
	Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.
	"You want us to do WHAT?" --Ancient Chinese wall engineer.
	Q: What do you get when you mix prune juice & tang? A: "Prune Tang"
	Q:  Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A:  So they won't be mistaken for feminists.
	Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"
	BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
	What goes tick-tick-tick-tick-woof? A watchdog.
	If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing.

	And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
	A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
	If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
	During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
	One day as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..."Hey buddy...why are you doing that?" He said..."Because you came home early."
	It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up by briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
	When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
	I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
	My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
	My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
	When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he still pulled through.
	My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.
	I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father...He said he wanted more proof.
	Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find them?" he said..."I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide."
	My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
	I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
	I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
	I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
	"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!"
	"When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, 'I'm sick and tired of running around in circles.' He got mad and nailed down my other foot."
	"With girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said 'Are you Louise?' She said, 'Are you Rodney?' I said, 'Yeah.' She said, 'I'm not Louise.'"
	Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
	Q: Know where you can find sympathy? A: In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.
	Have you ever heard of "Divorce Barbie"? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
	Q: Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology? A: She'll blow your mind.
	Q. Did you hear about the girl that was dyslectic and anorexic? A. Every time she ate a big meal she'd stick her finger up her ass.
	Definition: BASTARD A guy who makes love to a woman all night with a four-inch dick, then kisses her good-bye in the morning with a six-inch tongue.
	Three men walked into a bar. The fourth, wiser one ducked.

"My wife came home one day and said, 'Look honey, I lost 15 pounds.' I said, 'If you look behind you, you'll find it.'" -Slappy White

"I once dated a guy who drank coffee and alcohol at the same time. What a prince. Bad breath, limp dick and he wouldn't go to sleep." -Kris McGaha

You're not 50-something. You're $49.95, plus shipping and handling.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just sitting on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Q: How many America West pilots does it take to fly from Miami to Phoenix?
A: 2 and 1/5.

"You appeal to a small, select group of very confused people."
-Message in a fortune cookie.

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You wouldn't know, man; you weren't there!

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q: What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A: Lip Gloss.

Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.

Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Q: What do you get when you mix a blonde with big tits?
A: A bad secretary.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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Confucius Say:

- Television never replace old reliable key hole.
- Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children.
- Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring.
- Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.
- Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.
- Man who eat jellybean relieve self in Technicolor.
- Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
- Man do not mind bust in mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous lady.
- Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.
- Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
- Man who speak with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

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Words of Wisdom

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

If you let a smile be your umbrella, your ass will be soaking wet.

God, grant me
The Senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight To tell the difference.


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Random Thoughts

Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me there.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and The Shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
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Steven Wright One-Liners

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  

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Truisms

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap!
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Ambrose Bierce
Excerpts from The Devil's Dictionary

Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
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Additional Random Thoughts

1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos; you never know what's going to burn your ass.

2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

5) I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

7) My reality check bounced.

8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

14) Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21) I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

22) What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!

23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

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