Bin Laden Humor (and Iraq)
Sign at a Cafe in Jefferson, TX (March 2003):
no longer sell French Fries
Hitch-Hiking Through Afghanistan
A guy driving a truck
in the middle of the Afghan desert picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark
and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly, there's a big bang,
and the hitch-hiker wakes up and says, "What the hell was that?".
Q: Why can't you
circumcise Osama bin Laden?
Q: Why there are so
many al-Qaeda warriors in the front lines of Afghanistan?
Q: Why did the Taliban
outlaw holding driver's ed class and sex ed class on the same day?
Q: Why don't intelligent
people pay any attention to what Osama bin Laden teaches?
Q: How many Afghans
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: What does the Taliban
and a proctologist have in common?
Q: How is bin Laden
like Fred Flintstone?
Q: What do Osama bin
laden and General Custer have in common?
Q: What do you call
bin Laden's girlfriend?
Q: What do bin Laden
and Hiroshima have in common?
New Taliban Law: All Taliban women must shave off pubic hair, or run the risk of being considered a BUSH supporter!
CHICAGO - The war
on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials
at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother
board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles.
News services are
reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S. Special Forces.
Q: Why did Bin Laden
cross the road?
I hear they've had
to cancel sex education and drivers education in Afghanistan.
Did you know they
were going to build a Wal-Mart in Afghanistan?
Q. Why don't Afghan
men shave their beards?
Q: What did
Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
Q: What do
you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?
Q: What's the five-day
forecast for Iraq?
Q: What should Iraq
get for its air defense system?
Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West. International news reporters are saying that the anti-Bush campaign has gone too far.
Q: Why doesn't Saddam
go out drinking?
Saddam says that if anybody else compares him to Hitler, he'll gas them.
"Towel Heads" is no longer a politically correct term.
The other day I heard that the Taliban are getting upset because people Keep referring to them as "towel heads." Apparently, they do not wear towels on their heads, they wear sheets. In the future, when you refer to them, please use their correct name -- "sheet heads."
Q: Have you
heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
Osama bin Laden Goes to a Psychic
Osama bin Laden,
not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a
psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching
into the realm of the future she finds the answer.
It could be his turban
was screwed on too tight.
He HADN'T stopped
U-Ville from singing! It sung!
Osama bin Laden
Very shortly, Osama
and the Taliban will hear the letter and number called out so frequently
in Iraqi back in 1991.
The Double Secret Plan:
You're a Journalist With a Dilemma...
you are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many
homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father
son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings
with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approximately
31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."
boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what
Reasons the Al-Qaeda Terrorists Will Commit Suicide
situation where we are now, there are two things: either death or
victory. To those who are fighting and bombarding us, they should
understand the Afghan man is a fighter willing to die for jihad."
One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban
large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier
is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends
10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out
and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
the night before payback and all through the land,
Osama is Inspecting a Camel's Butt
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they
stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its
tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says,
"What are you doing?"
Newest Taliban Towns
Late-Night Banter on Bin Laden
What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." -- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing Bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." -- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno"
It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" -- Conan O'Brien
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" -- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official, Colonel Sanders." --Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." -- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." -- Jay Leno
Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words
for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his
money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno
David Wants to Send Osama a Valentine
comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about
the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics
nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he is greeted by George Washington.
From the Citizens of the USA
An eighty-year-old man is walking around New York with his grandson in the year 2060. The old man stops for a second, takes off his hat and bows his head. He puts his hat back on and starts walking again. The grandson asks, "Grandpa, what was that you just did?"
The old man says, "Well, a long time ago these ragheads from Pakistan came and leveled a couple of our buildings and a lot of people died."
boy paused for a second and said, "Grandpa, what's Pakistan?"
we Americans never offend anyone - - -particularly fanatics intent on
killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people.
They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,
In 1972 at
the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
In 1985 the
cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger
was murdered and thrown overboard by:
In 1985 TWA
flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered
Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
In 1993 the
World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people
were killed by:
In 2002 the
United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
In 2002 reporter
Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
no patterns anywhere to justify profiling, are there?
If you find
white powder mailed to you from an al-Qaida member, you may be exposed
In the train
seat next to you,
On your breakfast
On your flapjacks,
you shouldn't have taken,
In a karate
of 80's rock bands,
On your cheeks,
across your face, at a concert,
In a letter
from your stalker,
In a small
baggie of dope,
In a large
baggie of dope,
On your Miss
Piggy (or Kermit) doll,
In a Steven
On a wookie,
On your sheep
(especially if your name is Mary),
On the remote
control or in the Lazy-Boy,
At the gym,
make money fast ads,
In a liter
In a supermodels
In your bikini,
In Mel Gibson's
In your AeroStar,
In the back
of your pickup truck,
On your Xrays,
At the Moulin
On your Thanksgiving
As we all
know, the Taliban consider it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who
is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 p.m. Eastern time all North
American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to
help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one
hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position
themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think
it's okay to see other women nude and to show support for their fellow
sisters. And since the Taliban also do not approve of alcohol, a cold
six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation.
Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Before coming down to the breakfast cave every morning, Osama bin Laden would look into his magical mirror and ask, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the biggest asshole of them all?" The mirror would reply, "You are Osama".
That would make his day and he would arrive at the breakfast cave with a huge smile on his face, before indulging in his goat's milk and dried cowpat cereal.
Not a day went by when he wouldn't ask the mirror, and every day the mirror would confirm his question. Yes, he was in fact, the biggest asshole of them all. One day, Osama arrived at the breakfast table with a huge scowl on his face, and he was obviously very upset. One of his eleven wives summed up the courage to ask him, "What's wrong Osama?"
"WHO THE FUCK IS HAMID KARZEI?"
Hussein and Bush Meet in Baghdad
Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
...Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure free HBO.
...Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of missing limbs and strange burn marks.
...Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.
...Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.
...Upset that Slobodan hasn't written for weeks.
...Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at "Disembowel the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism" Rally; those with low marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad sewer cages using remaining limbs.
...Pleased that he's now slightly more popular in Kuwait than flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after lengthy "hearts and minds" campaign.
...Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the "moonwalk" for them.
...Still regretting brilliant "Park Entire Air Force in Iran" maneuver during Gulf War.
...Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his Assassination Merit Badge.
...Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm, or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD's for only 1 cent from his favorite record club.
...Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently, and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.
hunting trips to Baghdad Zoo.
Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
"This is my oldest. He's a martyr."
"Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast,
Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Hussein.
"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.
"Long Live Saddam!" answered the Arab dictator.
"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, many, many beautiful tall, gleaming buildings, filled with clean-shaven workers, both male & female and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew!"
IRAQ Is Getting Used to the Bombings
of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up again.
TEN WAYS SADDAM CELEBRATED HIS BIRTHDAY
TEN SADDAM HUSSEIN TIPS FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING
HUSSEIN' S TOP TEN SUMMER FUN TIPS
store fireworks too close to your hidden cache of chemical weapons.
Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
..Concubine's continued silence in public explained by lack of tongue.
..Favorite comic strip is Marmaduke.
..Still trying to convince skeptical U.N. to replace "Oil for Food" program with new "Oil for Plutonium" program.
..Believes that Iraqi women have the right to be just as miserable and terrified as Iraqi men.
..Now has Iraqi currency printed directly on rolls of toilet paper.
..Still loves posing for paintings while wearing sunglasses.
a fatwah against "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown", claiming that only
he, Saddam, can be the "baddest man in the whole damn town".
TEN THINGS IRAQ'S INFORMATION MINISTER (a/k/a "BAGHDAD BOB) HAS TO
SAY ABOUT THE WAR
pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned.
These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:
1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.
8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.
Up for America Rally Speech
This is from a speech given in Tennessee:
I'm here tonight because men and women of the United States military have given their lives for my freedom. I am not here tonight because Sheryl Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, Martin Sheen, George Clooney, Jane Fonda or Phil Donahue, sacrificed their lives for me.
If my memory serves me correctly, it was not movie stars or musicians, but the United States Military who fought on the shores of Iwo Jima, the jungles of Vietnam, and the beaches of Normandy.
Tonight, I say we should support the President of the United States and the U.S. Military and tell the liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippy, tie-dyed liberals to go make their movies and music and whine somewhere else.
After all, if they lived in Iraq, they wouldn't be allowed the freedom of speech they're being given here today. Ironically, they would be put to death at the hands of Sadam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden.
I want to know how the very people who are against war because of the loss of life, can possibly be the same people who are for abortion?
They are the same people who are for animal rights but against the rights of the unborn.
The movie stars say they want to go to Iraq and serve as "human shields" for the Iraqis. I say let them buy a one-way ticket and go.
No one likes war. I hate war! But the one thing I hate more is the fact that this country has been forced into war-innocent people have lost their lives - - and there but for the grace of God, it could have been my brother, my husband, or even worse my own son.
On December 7, 1941, there are no records of movie stars treading the blazing waters of Pearl Harbor.
On September 11, 2001; there are no photos of movie stars standing as "human shields" against the debris and falling bodies descending from the World Trade Center. There were only policemen and firemen - -underpaid civil servants who gave their all with nothing expected in return.
When the USS Cole was bombed, there were no movie stars guarding the ship - - where were the human shields then?
If America's movie stars want to be human shields, let them shield the gang-ridden streets of Los Angeles, or New York City, let them shield the lives of the children of North Birmingham whose mothers lay them down to sleep on the floor each night to shelter them from stray bullets.
If they want to be human shields, I say let them shield the men and women of honesty and integrity who epitomize courage and embody the spirit of freedom by wearing the proud uniforms of the United States Military. Those are the people who have earned and deserve shielding!
Throughout the course of history, this country has remained free, not because of movie stars and liberal activists, but because of brave men and women who hated war too. However, they lay down their lives so that we all may live in freedom. After all - "What greater love hath no man, that he lay down his life for his friend," or in this case a country.
We should give our military honor and acknowledgement and not let their lives be in vain. If you want to see true human shields, walk through Arlington Cemetery. There lie human shields, heroes, and the BRAVE Americans who didn't get on television and talk about being a human shield - they were human shields.
I thank God tonight for freedom - - those who bought and paid for it with their lives in the past - - those who will protect it in the present and defend it in the future.
America has remained silent too long! God-fearing people have remained silent too long!
We must lift our voices united in a humble prayer to God for guidance and the strength and courage to sustain us throughout whatever the future may hold.
After the tragic events of Sept. 11th, my then eleven -year-old son said terrorism is a war against us and them and if you're not one of us, then you're one of them.
So in closing
tonight, let us be of one accord, let us stand proud, and let us be the
human shields of prayer, encouragement and support for the President,
our troops and their families and our country.
Useful Phrases for Iraq Travel
Previous Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling In Iraq
FEKR-GABUL CARDAN DIVAT RAEH CUSH DIVAR - I'm delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM -
TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAAYEH MOHEMA
Iraqi Common Translations
"America will face the mother of all battles again if it attack Iraq."
Quote : "Go
use sword. Draw your sword, and I'm not afraid. .... And pull your trigger
and keep the fire on....."
Quote : "Let
thunderstorms go until the guidance appears, and injustice goes away.
And let dawn be the way to confront all bad....."
Quote : "We
pledge that we will confront the invaders and we will get them to, God
willing, to the limit where they will lose their patience...."
Quote : "We
love peace and we are working towards this peace...."
Quote : "Draw
your sword. No one will be victorious unless he is a man, and a brave
man. And prepare a banner and call for the will of God that the wounds
will heal quickly..."
Hi guys--praise Allah. We've all been putting in long hours once again, and we've really come together as a group--I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team," as well as the one that says, "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the
most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping,
please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: Food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration--that's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Mohammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Bobby.
Osama's Cave-based Music Play List
Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head
and the Number 1 song on Osama bin Laden Cave-based Play List...
Got a Gun.
Osama, Lorena, Tonya and Hillary
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in a cave and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and
Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no
Uday & Qusay's Surviving Familiy
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Among the sisters:
coffee shop owner
there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
In a land where jokes about the president once were punishable by death, the collapse of Saddam's regime is allowing Iraqis to make fun of him. Like many things in Iraq, the jokes need some work. There has been little to laugh about during the Saddam's reign, so the Iraqis sense of humor is a little rusty.
Saddam and one of his flunkies go bird-hunting. The flunky shoots a bird on the first try, but the dictator misses too. and gets angry. When Saddam misses the third time, his flunky tells the boss he really did hit the bird, despite the evidence. "My God, its dead," he tells Saddam, "but it's still flying!"
While meeting with the Cabinet one day, Saddam issues a bizarre proclamation: "The elephant has wings to fly! After the meeting, someone asks Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri, one of Saddam's top deputies, "Is it true that elephants have wings?" "Elephants do fly," he replies, "just not very high!"
Information Minister Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf: As a statue of Saddam is being pulled down behind him, a journalist asks, "Is Saddam falling?" "No," al-Sahhaf insists, "hats just someone who looks like Saddam."
Saddam's wife, Sajida, tells al-Douri to come to her house at midnight for a tryst and to show up wearing nothing. Al-Douri arrives in the buff, and finds Saddam at the door. Al-Douri, who never makes a decision without checking with the boss, explains: "I just wanted to know what I should wear tomorrow!"
war raging, Saddam calls to al-Douri, who runs into the room waving the
V-for-victory sign with two fingers up. Saddam is elated: "We won!
We won!" "No," al-Douri replies, "I'm telling you,
its just you and me left!"
Understanding Basic Iraqi Common Translations
Quote : "We
have no such weapons at all, no chemical weapons, no biological weapons."
Iraqi citizens have "a duty to join in a jihad, or holy war, and
that martyrs would be rewarded in heaven."
"Strike them, fight them everywhere the way you are fighting them
Quote : "The
aggression that the aggressors are carrying out against the stronghold
of faith is an aggression on the religion, the wealth, the honor and the
soul and an aggression on the land of Islam."
Quote : "It
is your chance for immortality. Seize the opportunity my brothers."
Quote : "Saddam
Hussein is alive. The Iraqi President and the country's leadership are
well and functioning."
Quote : "Iraq
will use unconventional tactics to fight the coalition's advance on Baghdad."
The Pentagon announced today the capture of the terrorist group in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's Iraqi Terrorists (SHIT). The Pentagon said they regard Saddam Hussein to be the Number One SHIT, and that he is at the top of their SHIT list.
The former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, had been actively recruiting both ex-soldiers and civilians to become SHITs with a marketing campaign copying the Dr. Pepper jingle, "I'm a SHIT, he's a SHIT, etc.... wouldn't you like to be a SHIT too?" This apparently would be considered a promotion for former Iraqi Army soldiers, but only a lateral transfer for those few remaining Republican Guard members that became active SHITs.
to a Pentagon analyst, one of the most disturbing facets of these SHITS
was their ability to disguise themselves as TURDs (Terrorists Underneath
Raghead Diapers). It was difficult to distinguish between SHITs and TURDs
without very close examination. The Pentagon further stated, however,
that US forces no longer would need to shoot the SHIT and bomb the SHIT
out of Iraq, or until the SHIT hit the fan.
Saddam In Fit After Prozac Runs Out
Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard whimpering that he was defying the U.S. occupation of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.
"He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a mega dose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before it's too late," one of Saddam's close advisors said after being assured anonymity.
A White House
source admitted that the President had previously considered the option
of a Prozac airdrop over Hussein's bunker, but he decided against it,
imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too
that Saddam jokes are popular now in the Arab countries. This is an article
from WorldNetDaily about Saddam humor circulated on the Internet in Egypt.
According to the Al-Majallah newspaper, the fall of Baghdad has given rise to humor, reflecting the shock and disappointment of people who thought Iraq would offer greater resistance.
It reportedly began with a message asking people to check CNN for Saddam's resignation on condition that he live in the White House. Then other messages featured a photo of the dictator with a caption reading, "Seeking employment pending fall of regime."
Al-Majallah says some of the jokes were in question-and-answer format:
* Saddam asks Bin Laden, what do I do when it's over? Bin Laden said: Hide in a cave, record some tapes and send them to Al-Jazeera.
* Saddam, how are you going to hang the Americans from the walls of Baghdad? Saddam says: "I didn't mean the city, I meant underground Baghdad."
The Iraqi information minister Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, better known as "Baghdad Bob," is even featured in some of the jokes.
Have you heard the one about Saddam and Sahhaf on the banks of the Tigris? A man on the other side raises two fingers in a victory sign. "What happened?" asks Saddam. "Did we win the war?" "Don't be stupid," Sahhaf says. "He means there's just two of us left."
Saddam isn't the sole target of the jokes. President Bush and other westerners are prominently featured, according to the report.
Bush and Blair are giving a press conference. "Right," Bush says, "we're going to kill two million Iraqis and one construction worker."
Question from the press: "Why do you want to kill a construction worker?" Bush leans over to Blair and whispers: "Told you nobody gives a damn about the two million Iraqis."
and Saddam gathered one day on the banks of the Euphrates River. Bush
asked his secret service to dive in and bring him a crocodile. The agents
say: "Sorry sir, no can do-- we have wives and kids to look after."
Blair tries, same result: "Sorry sir, no can do--we have wives and
kids to look after." Then it's Saddam's turn, and all the agents
jump in and bring him lots of crocodiles. Bush and Blair say: "How
did you do that?"
Saddam, Bush, and Russia's Vladimir Putin are swimming in the Arabian Gulf when a giant whale appears. Bush says: "If you eat me, my warships will destroy you."
Putin says: "If you eat me, my missiles will destroy you."
They swim hard to the shore and escape by the skin of their teeth, only to find Saddam waiting on the beach.
"How did you get here so fast?" they ask.
Saddam says: "I told him my name, and he spit me out on the beach."