think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in
a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew.
for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the
nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare
themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
Grandma Gives Him a Squirt Gun
three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found
a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at
you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom
I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained
that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
God's Children Compared to Yours
your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece
of cake for you?
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the eight-year-old asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.
Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit.
I want to know where I came from."
The Trouble With a New Babysitter
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here Mom
but he won't let me go home."
Explaining Why Apples Turn Brown
A 4-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color."
a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking
Maybe You Could Go be Their Mom
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me.
I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe
you could go be THEIR mom?"
A woman invited some people to a dinner party. After a full day of preparation they were all finally gathered around the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I don't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say."
bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these
people to dinner?"
for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what
it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep
away from children."
A Sunday School teacher
asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"
We spend the first twelve
months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the
next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window.
please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something.
"Oh, SHIT!" yells young Kim in complete frustration.
"Kim! Do you know what that means?" said the woman.
"Yes, Mommie. That's
what you say when you can't find something."
Bill and Alice decided that the only way they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are in the bedroom having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father yelled.
"Because Tommy Cooper
is standing out on the balcony too!"
For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these:
of Wisdom for New Fathers
The Difference Between Anger and Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
A mother and her
son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son,
who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain
THAT to you."
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."
tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when
you can't read, you've got to think."
A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.
The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.
When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any.
The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.
sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine--I'm
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.
quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he
asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
Mom Has Mellowed Over the Years
I Have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your
youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass
me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've
come to spend the day with him!"
My son came
home from school one day,
what I learned in Civics Two,
It says I
need not clean my room,
I have freedom
I can wear
earrings if I want,
And if you
ever spank me,
ever touch me,
about your morals,
Mom, I have
these children's right
my first instinct was
it over carefully,
day I took him shopping
and checked with C.S.D.
canceled that appointment
I said "No
time to stop and eat,
the raging appetite,
"Can I please rent a movie,
I also rented
out your room,
won't be trendy now,
off your jet ski,
Hey hot shot,
are you crying,
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
The man at
the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said.
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.