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Carol received a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Carol tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Carol put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was quiet. Carol was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Carol's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Carol was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May
I ask what the chicken did?" A man
walked into a pet store, and while shopping, he heard a voice say… The Parrot and the Honeymooners A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot and took it to their room. Much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit. The next morning while they were packing their bags, the groom motioned to his suitcase and said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work, so the bride assumed they needed more weight on the lid. "Sweetheart," she said, "you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then the groom suggested, "Let's both get on top and try." At that point,
the parrot pulled away the towel from his cage with his beak and said,
"Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!" Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically, he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The
same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male
parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the
beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, he asked for a bird who was already speaking. The pet store owner said, "This bird here has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here in the shop. It just needs to feel at home." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned to say there still had been no talking. "I see," said the owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. "Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop." "What?! You want me to buy another bird!?" yelped the unhappy owner. "No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead! "What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?" "Yes, right before
it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet
store anymore?" The Magician and the Captain's Parrot A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week
the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the
boat?" Smitty the Parrot Goes to a Whore House Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want sex." So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot. After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room. There's Smitty, holding down the parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers. Harry says, "Smitty, what the hell are you doing?" Smitty Says,
"For a hundred bucks I want her nude." Whatever You Do, Don't Talk to the Parrot Mrs. Broomfield's
dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. One
day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept
on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the
fine bird was finally his! An Old Jewish Lady and Her New Parrot This nice
old Jewish lady decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought
one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the
parrot up and went to the temple. The
Jewish Parrot "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we're gonna get on Yom Kippur!" Back to the Top Screwing the Neighbor's Turkey A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor's turkey and rushes back home before being caught in the act. The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the parrot has been up to. The owner of the parrot reprimands him and tells him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head. That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbor's turkey again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right" Then two
bald guys walk in and he says, "Alright, you two turkey fuckers up
here on the piano with me." |
