Parrot Humor

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The Parrot Joke
The Parrot and the Honeymooners
The Parrot that Wouldn't Talk
Whatever You Do, Don't Talk to the Parrot 
A Parrot with no Feet  
The Jewish Parrot
Screwing the Neighbor's Turkey
The Parrot and the Burglar
Devout Parrots
The Magician and the Captain's Parrot
Smitty the Parrot Goes to a Whore House
Buying a Parrot at an Auction 
An Old Jewish Lady and Her New Parrot


The Parrot Joke

Carol received a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Carol tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything she could think of.

Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Carol put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was quiet.

Carol was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Carol's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Carol was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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A Parrot with no feet

A man walked into a pet store, and while shopping, he heard a voice say…

"Hey mister, buy me".

Looking around, he couldn't locate the source but was certain it didn't come from the lady clerk who was the only other person in the shop. Once again he heard the voice…

"Buy me and get me out of here".

This time he discovered that it was coming from a parrot setting on a perch in a corner of the shop. He walked over to the parrot and asked…

"Was that you speaking just now"?
"Yes it was sir! Now will you please buy me and get me out of this noisy and smelly place"?

The man was absolutely astounded by the bird’s vocabulary and decided he would buy him, but noticed that the bird was sitting rather awkwardly on his perch. Looking closer he noticed the parrot had no legs.

"In what sort of horrible accident did you lose your legs"? he asked.
"No accident sir, I was born this way" answered the parrot.
"That's terrible, but how do you hold yourself upon the perch without feet"?
"Luckily I was born with a very long penis, so I wrap it around the perch to hold myself on it"

Incredible! the man thought. He could hardly believe what he was hearing and seeing, but he knew for sure had to have this parrot so he called the clerk over to make the purchase.

"You will never be sorry about your choice" said the lady. "His name is Plato, and he is very intelligent. He's an excellent conversationalist and is always great company".

The man paid the lady and carried Plato home. They spent the evening discussing a wide range of topics before retiring for the night. The next morning the man went to work and spent the day talking about Plato to his co-workers. Arriving home that evening he was greeted by the parrot.

"Good evening sir, and how was your day at the office"? asked Plato.
"Just great, and how was your first day in your new home"?
"Well to tell the truth, I was quite troubled by the events of the morning".
"Oh… What happened"? asked the man.
"It saddens me greatly to tell you this, but after you left for work the milkman came by and your wife asked him in the house".
"The milkman came into my house"?
"Yes, and that's when the hugging and kissing began".
"Oh my God! This is terrible news, but you have to tell me what else you saw".
"He unbuttoned her robe, fondled and suckled her breast… and that's not all".
"That's not all? What else did you see them do"?
"Well, she took her robe off and laid down on the floor, totally naked… very sexy… so beautiful…"
"OK Plato, naked… sexy… beautiful… OK! But then what happened"?
"The milkman got naked too, and… uh…"
"And what? Tell me what happened then"?
"That's when I lost my grip on the perch and fell on my head. When I came to, everyone was gone".

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The Parrot and the Honeymooners

A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot and took it to their room. Much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit.

The next morning while they were packing their bags, the groom motioned to his suitcase and said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work, so the bride assumed they needed more weight on the lid. "Sweetheart," she said, "you get on top and I'll try."

Still no success. Then the groom suggested, "Let's both get on top and try."

At that point, the parrot pulled away the towel from his cage with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"
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The Parrot and the Burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically, he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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Devout Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.

Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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The Parrot that Wouldn't Talk

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, he asked for a bird who was already speaking. The pet store owner said, "This bird here has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions."

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage.

The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here in the shop. It just needs to feel at home."

Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned to say there still had been no talking. "I see," said the owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it."

A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. "Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What?! You want me to buy another bird!?" yelped the unhappy owner.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"
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The Magician and the Captain's Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
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Smitty the Parrot Goes to a Whore House

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?"

Smitty says, "I want sex."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot. After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room. There's Smitty, holding down the parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

Harry says, "Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty Says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude."
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Whatever You Do, Don't Talk to the Parrot

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
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Buying a Parrot at an Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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An Old Jewish Lady and Her New Parrot

This nice old Jewish lady decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to the temple.

The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

The woman, completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out. Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to the temple. Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which the parrot, once again, screamed out "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple. She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on. The clerk at the pet store said, "You gotta show the parrot who's boss so next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson."

That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to the temple. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin cold in here!"

The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times. When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, "And fuckin' windy, too."
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The Jewish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said:
"Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" said the Parrot.
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young
bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed--Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we're gonna get on Yom Kippur!"

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Screwing the Neighbor's Turkey

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor's turkey and rushes back home before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the parrot has been up to. The owner of the parrot reprimands him and tells him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head.

That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbor's turkey again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right"

Then two bald guys walk in and he says, "Alright, you two turkey fuckers up here on the piano with me."

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