Police Humor

Automotive Humor
Having Trouble Taking Off? 
The Best Excuse for Speeding 
Jill's Car Was Unreliable...
Driving Without a Taillight
How to Get Prompt Police Response
An Embarrassing Introduction
Motorcycle Cop Keeps Writing Tickets
In Court
I Suppose He Told You I Was Speeding
Mountie Having Sex on Duty (true)
Drunk Driving Arrest
Do You Always Wear Your Seat Belt Like That? 
The Blue Bastard of the Asphalt 
Nuns Stopped For Driving Too Slow 
A Motorcycle Cop in the Hospital
Farmer Getting a Lecture From a Trooper
Anything You Say Can and Will...
The 'Broken' Parking Meter Trick
Removing a 6-Foot Boa Constrictor
Good, Better, Best
If You Can Answer One Question

Drunk Driving Arrest

In October, a Redondo Beach, CA, police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it."
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Do You Always Wear Your Seat Belt Like That?

I heard about a lady who was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
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Having Trouble Taking Off?

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"
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The Blue Bastard of the Asphalt

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.

He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the fuck do you want?"

"Driver's license and registration please."
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The Best Excuse for Speeding

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.
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Nuns Stopped For Driving Too Slow

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."
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How Long Have You Been Driving Without a Taillight?

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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A Motorcycle Cop in the Hospital

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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How to Get Prompt Police Response 

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed. She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

I phoned the police, and they told me that no one was in the area help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

I said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot them!"

I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Farmer Getting a Lecture from a Trooper

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
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An Embarrassing Introduction

"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"
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Anything You Say Can and Will...

A woman police officer pulled over a man for DUI and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replied, "Your tits."
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Motorcycle Cop Keeps Writing Tickets

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So I called him a piece horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn--my car was parked around the corner.
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The 'Broken' Parking Meter Trick

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it that said: "Broken." A skeptical traffic officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly.

As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
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In Court

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

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Removing a 6-Foot Boa Constrictor

My son is an avid listener to our city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher say, "Car 34, there is a six-foot boa constrictor in a front yard. The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it."

There was a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."
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One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
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I Suppose He Told You I Was Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
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Good, Better, Best

A Texas policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." "He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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If You Can Answer One Question

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says, "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket."

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of
you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure. But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance. You fail to answer - you get the ticket."

"Fair enough."

"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure, but what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know?" answered the guy, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket," responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead."

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy," replies the officer. "It's a hooker."

"Sure, but, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"
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Mountie Having Sex on Duty

Authorities in Vancouver have docked a police officer's pay for having sex with a prostitute in one of the force's cars. A tribunal found Paul MacGregor broke the force's code of conduct. It docked him 10 days pay and told him to get counseling.

He faced charges including misuse of a police vehicle, having sex in a police vehicle, soliciting a prostitute, driving under the influence of alcohol and misleading a superior officer. MacGregor, with 11 years service, had been suspended with pay since the incident in November 1999.

The plain-clothes drug squad officer was off duty and had been drinking before picking up a female prostitute. They were having sex when a woman started throwing rocks at the vehicle and screaming. MacGregor drove off but fellow officers followed him when they noticed him driving erratically. They pepper-sprayed him as he tried to pull up his trousers after they told him to put his hands on the steering wheel.

He was dragged out of the vehicle and handcuffed, Canadian Press reports.

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