In October,
a Redondo Beach, CA, police officer arrested a driver after a short chase
and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions
were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast
Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying
across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply
kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the
pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it." Do You Always Wear Your Seat Belt Like That? I heard about a lady
who was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She
didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped
it on before the officer got to her window. My father always loved
fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated
down a wide-open stretch. The Blue Bastard of the Asphalt One afternoon this
guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way
to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side
of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How
can I help you?" A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice
night", said the officer. Nuns Stopped For Driving Too Slow A police officer
had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major
highway. The conversation went like this: How Long Have You Been Driving Without a Taillight? "How
long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman
after pulling over a motorist.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get
well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week." How to Get Prompt Police Response I was going
to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light
on in the shed. She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for
myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. Farmer Getting a Lecture from a Trooper A farmer
got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started
to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. "NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly." The chief
took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began,
"getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today.
But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with
my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!" Anything You Say Can and Will... A woman police officer pulled over a man for DUI and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk
replied, "Your tits." Motorcycle Cop Keeps Writing Tickets I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket! This went
on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn--my car was parked around the corner. The 'Broken' Parking Meter Trick On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it that said: "Broken." A skeptical traffic officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby
building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance
at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!" Q: Trooper,
when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the
defendant say anything when she got out of her car? Q: What did
she say? Removing a 6-Foot Boa Constrictor My son is an avid listener to our city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher say, "Car 34, there is a six-foot boa constrictor in a front yard. The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it." There was
a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get
the car started." One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the trooper
decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the
driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled
the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks
at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some." I Suppose He Told You I Was Speeding Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner. Woman: I
suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. GOOD BETTER BEST If You Can Answer One Question A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says, "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket." "Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're
driving at night, and two lights appear in front of "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure. But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance. You fail to answer - you get the ticket." "Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure, but what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?" "How the hell should I know?" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket," responded the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then." "Go ahead." "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy," replies the officer. "It's a hooker." "Sure,
but, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it
your daughter?" Authorities in Vancouver have docked a police officer's pay for having sex with a prostitute in one of the force's cars. A tribunal found Paul MacGregor broke the force's code of conduct. It docked him 10 days pay and told him to get counseling. He faced charges including misuse of a police vehicle, having sex in a police vehicle, soliciting a prostitute, driving under the influence of alcohol and misleading a superior officer. MacGregor, with 11 years service, had been suspended with pay since the incident in November 1999. The plain-clothes drug squad officer was off duty and had been drinking before picking up a female prostitute. They were having sex when a woman started throwing rocks at the vehicle and screaming. MacGregor drove off but fellow officers followed him when they noticed him driving erratically. They pepper-sprayed him as he tried to pull up his trousers after they told him to put his hands on the steering wheel. He was dragged
out of the vehicle and handcuffed, Canadian Press reports.
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