Polish Jokes (Polak or Polack Jokes if you prefer)
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polack joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I'm Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says,
"Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up.
They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too.
They decide to write
a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain
in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results.
A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before
we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."
An American, a German and a Polack in the Amazon
Three men are traveling
the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polack, and they get captured
by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, what do you
want on your back for your whipping? The German responds, "I will
take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips
him 10 times. When he is finished the German has huge welts on his back,
and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the
Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!"
says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10
lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?"
the Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!"
Two Polish hunters got themselves set up for a weekend of hunting. They gathered their guns, dogs, and ammunition before tromping around for hours with no luck. When they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters who were carrying braces of pheasant, quail, duck, and geese.
"Gee," said one Pole to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?"
said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough."
The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found to his dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls, figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time. When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know
what happened," said the customer, shaking his head. "I bit
her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."
French, Irish and Polish Couples at Dinner
A French couple, an Irish couple, and a Polish couple were having dinner together. The Frenchman says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar."
Not to be outdone, the Irishman asks his wife, "Could you pass me the honey, honey?"
Much impressed by
these clever endearments, the Poles leans over to his wife and says, "Pass
the pork, pig."
Two Poles Looking at Wanted Posters
Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches their eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking black guy beneath a banner that says "Wanted for Rape."
said one Pole to his friend, "they get all the good jobs."
Kosinski Tries to Pick Up a Lesbian
Kosinski saved up his money for an excursion to Reno, where he soon found himself at the bar next to a very attractive brunette. "Say, could I buy you a drink?" he asked boldly.
"Forget it buddy," she replied, not unkindly. "I'm gay."
Kosinski looked blank.
"I'm a lesbian," she elaborated.
Kosinski shook his head. "What's a lesbian?"
"See that woman over there?" She pointed at a lovely blond waitress serving drinks on the far side of the room.
Kosinski nodded, perking up.
"Well, I'd like to take her up to my room," the brunette explained, "take all her clothes off, and nibble her tits and lick every curve and suck every inch of that sweet young thing, all night long."
At this, Kosinski burst into tears and buried his head in his arms. "Why the hell are you crying?" asked his companion gruffly.
"I think I'm
a lesbian too," he sobbed.
A Pole and a Jew Watching the News
A Pole and a Jew were in a bar watching TV when the late-night news came on. The lead story showed a berserk woman poised on a window ledge eleven stories up. "I'll bet you a hundred bucks she won't jump," said the Pole to the Jew.
"Deal," agreed the Jew, sticking out his hand a few minutes later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Pole sadly forked over the money, only to look up in surprise as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and offered him his money back. "You won it fair and square," he said, shaking his head.
"Not really," admitted the Jewish guy. "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news."
said the Pole, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven."
John's Jacket Falls in the Outhouse
John, a Polack, goes into an outhouse and sees his buddy, Stash, with a long stick stirring the contents of one of the receptacles.
"What the hell are you doing, Stash" asks John.
"I'm trying to get my jacket out of the hole, it fell in while I was taking a crap at the other hole."
"Are you crazy?" asks John. "It's going to be covered with shit. You won't be able to wear it".
says Stash, "I'm not that stupid. I just wanted to get my sandwich
out of the pocket so I could eat my lunch."
The Signs Said Clean Restrooms Ahead
Two Polacks were driving east across the country. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD,"
so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms.
As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make much progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way, requiring them to stop and clean the restrooms.
When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!"
The two Polacks looked
at each other and said, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polack grabs the
yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long
it is! I want to know how high it is!"
There were two Indians
and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of
a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth
of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer...
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you
see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get
an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Q: Did you hear that
the Polish government bought a thousand septic tanks?
Q: Did you hear about
the Polak who got his vasectomy at Sears?
Q: Did you hear about
the Polish weightlifter who won an Olympic gold medal in the clean-and-jerk
Q: What do Polish
lesbians use for lubricant?
Q: How come the Polish
firing squad was never successful?
Q: Did you hear about
the Polish wolf that got stuck in a trap?
Q. What's a
Did you hear about
the Polack kamikaze pilot that flew 48 successful missions?
Q: Did you hear about
the latest Polish invention?
Q: Did you hear about
the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
Q: How did the Polish
lady blow her brains out?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q: Did you hear about
the new sports stadium in Warsaw that had to be torn down after only one
Did you hear about
the Polish bride who wore something old, something new, something borrowed,
something blue, something red, something green, something yellow...
Q: What's the favorite
Q: What does it say
on the bottom of a Polish coke bottle?
Q: Who wears a forest
ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
Q: Who wears
a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
Q: How can
you tell a Polack in a casino?
the greatest problem facing Poland?
Q: Did you
hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside the theater?
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.
Q: What happened
to the Polish National Library?
In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?
In England, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?
In Paris, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?
And in Poland, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?
Q: Why did
the Polak sell his water skis?
Q: How do
Polaks form a car pool?
Q: How do
you take census in a Polish village?
delaying the Polish space program?
Did you hear
about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there
was a terrible power outage.
Three Addicts Shooting Up in an Alley
Three drug addicts
went into a back alley to shoot up. The black addict sterilized
his needle, swabbed it with alcohol, and shot up. Then he passed
it to the Jewish junkie, who sterilized it, swabbed it with alcohol, and
shot up. Then he passed it to the Polish addict, who stuck the needle
right in his arm.
What Part of Lesbia are You From?
A polish man is sitting
at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit
down at the other end of the bar. The polish guy calls the bartender over
and says, "Whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell
her it's from me."
Buying Polish Sausage in a Hardware Store
A Polack walks into
the store and asks for some Polish sausage. The clerk immediately responds
back, "Are you Polish?"
Indian, Black Man and a Polack Look for Work
An Indian, a black
man and a Polack share an apartment. The rent is due soon and all three
are unemployed, so they all go out to look for a job. That evening,
they met to discuss their day.
Substituting a Dollar for Toilet Paper
Two Polacks were in
the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I have
to take a shit."
An Italian, an American,
and a Polack were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken
to the guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and
asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the
Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade and it stops a
mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Three men were applying
for the same job as a detective. One was a Polack, one was a Jew, and
one was an Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question
and base his decision upon that answer.
Kangaroo Keeps Escaping from the Warsaw Zoo
A kangaroo kept getting
out of his enclosure at the Warsaw zoo. Knowing that he could hop
high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
dug fifty meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the
ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
A Polish Wolf Caught in a Trap
One day, while out
for a walk in the woods, the Russian man comes across a wolf caught in
a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Polish neighbor.
Kowalski's is a Good Place to Get Drunk and Laid
A Polack, an Italian
and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third
round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
Someone Has to Sleep in the Barn
A German, a Frenchman
and a Polack were traveling across Europe by foot. They came to
a farmhouse in Czechoslovakia and thought they would ask for a night of
Stash and his Mama
moved to Chicago from Poland. One night in late December, the weatherman
announced there would be 5 to 7 inches of snow overnight and you should
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
An Italian, a Jew, and a Polack Going to Prison
convicts, an Italian, a Jew, and a Polack were on their way to prison.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, the Jew turned to the
Italian and said, "So, what did you bring?" The Italian
pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything
he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release
the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the
Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release the
Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"
is Crying over a Urine Test
Polacks, John and Stan, were sitting outside a clinic. John was crying
like anything. So Stan asked, "Why are you crying?"
Polack is Attacked by Muggers A Polack was attacked
by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers
then proceeded to go through his pockets.
A Polack is Attacked by Muggers
A Polack was attacked by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets.
"You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers, incredulously.
that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were after
the $400 in my shoe!"
Trying Out for a Baseball Team
A Polack wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.
"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Polack eagerly.
The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many D's are there in the Christmas song, 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'?"
The next week, the Polack came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"
The Polack said, "Two!"
"Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"
"Today and Tomorrow!"
"Hmm...,OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?"
"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.
"Well," said the Polack, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..."
"Um.. OK," interrupted the coach. "How many D's are in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'?"
"Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polack. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"
"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"
the Polack counted on his fingers as he sang, "Dee dee dee-dee-dee
Two Polish hunters managed to kill a deer. They started to drag it back to the truck by the hind legs, but the antlers continually got stuck in weeds, making their job very difficult. It took them hours to get with in a couple hundred yards of the road, where they met a third hunter.
"Hey," the third hunter said, "it's a lot easier if you drag the deer by the antlers."
The two Polacks took the advice. A while later, one said to the other, "That hunter was right. This is a lot easier."
replied his partner. "But now we're over a mile from the truck!"
Official Polish Sex Quiz
A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Polak complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
do you think I've been doing," the Polak said, "shoving them
up my ass?"
Medical Terminology for the Layman
the study of fine painting
Three Men Discussing Their Daughters
An Italian man, a Jewish man and a Polish man were all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Italian says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked."
The Jew says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
Polish man speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
Determining if his Fiancee is a Virgin
guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.
replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some
red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one
ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest
balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
Polish Couple Adopt a Russian Baby
A Polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so,
he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
1. A clitoris
is a type of flower.