 
Political
Humor, Quotes and Facts A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted. "Ok," he
said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up
of cowards and corrupt politicians!" An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was unable to decide about his future career... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive... he took the 10-dollar bill and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff, then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father
slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could
ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!" Porker Award Goes to Sen. Bennett The taxpayer watchdog group Citizens Against Government Waste is honoring Sen. Robert Bennett, R-Utah, with an award he's unlikely to pick up. He's earned the group's July "Porker of the Month" Award. The dubious honor, says CAGW, is because Bennett wrangled $3.3 million in federal funds to test Olympic athletes for drugs. The 2002 Winter Games are being held in Salt Lake City in Bennett's home state. Says CAGW
President Thomas Schatz: "The real war on cocaine, heroin, and other
dangerous drugs continues across the country, but Sen. Bennett apparently
thinks taxpayers should be more worried about those speed skaters who
look just a bit too buff." Two Candidates Compare Tipping Strategies A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh,
really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and
ask them to vote for you." Doctors Bragging About Their Achievements An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "that's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "in my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them BOTH looking for work in two weeks". The American
doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole
out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be
looking for work the next day." How
To Be A Good Republican: 1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault. 2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. 3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time. 4. You have to believe that someone like Michelle Pfeiffer can really walk into an inner city classroom and accomplish miracles. 5. AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs. 6. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun. 7. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says. 8. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor. 9. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty. 10. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. 11. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit. 12. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah, Buddha, Krishna or Shiva 13. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands. 14. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio. 15. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. 16. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out. 17. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. 18. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads. 19. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher. 20. You only wanted
Elian Gonzalez to stay in order to peeve the President. Al Gore's Birthday Explains a Lot On
July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed
on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say
has been covered up by the military. Gore
- Bush Debate 2000 I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense? Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis. Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal. Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush. Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevich were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name? Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have **** Cheney confer with our allies. And then **** would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then **** would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico. Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal. Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors. Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system? Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap. Lehrer: Gov. Bush? Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds. Lehrer: It's time for closing statements. Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me. Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans. Lehrer:
Good night. Barbara Bush Lunches with Hirohito In
her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments
that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign
trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was
lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace. Q: How many
West Palm Beach voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Q: Did you
hear about the West Palm Beach, Florida resident that bought her first
computer? Bumper
Stickers and Signs: FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount! FLORIDA: FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: We've been Gored and now we're Bushed. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.
In
other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too
much bush. I won the
Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire! Can you believe it?! I'm
bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact
winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers.
Palm Beach
Pokey - Tune: Hokey Pokey
Doctor Seuss
Goes To Florida All Aboard the Elation We at Carnival
Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to
leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind,
we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise! My
Fellow Americans, Quotes
from The Devil's Dictionary Ink- n. A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-Arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime... --Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary Diplomacy-
n. the patriotic act of lying for one's country. --Ambrose Bierce, The
Devil's Dictionary A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend: The
election is over, the results are known,
One-Liners
Politicians
and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly,
and for the same reason. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them There is an ancient rule among certain tribes in Africa that I think we should apply to modern politics. The rule is that when a man rises to speak he must stand on one foot while delivering his speech. The moment his other foot touches the ground, the speech ends - or the speaker is forcibly silenced Q: Did you
hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Jesse, Run"? Q: How has
Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most Blacks? Q: Why did
Jesse really withdraw from the Presidential race? A Congressman
is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I
think there's a thief in the house." Minister,
after listening to an impromptu campaign speech: "Before I vote for
you for sheriff, I'd like to know if you partake of intoxicating beverages?"
Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Jesse Jackson Thinks He May be Turning White Jesse
Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he noticed a white
band from just above his eyes to the top of his head. Dear
China, Jesse Jackson Shopping at Sears Rev.
Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store.
He looked around then shouted, "I want to see the manager right now!" Michigan Senator Kicked Out of Senate The
Michigan Senate expelled one of its own Thursday. It was the first time
the legislative body has ousted a sitting senator in state history. David
Jaye was kicked out of the state Senate following allegations which included
drunken driving, putting topless pictures of his fiancée on his Senate
computer, beating his fiancée and swearing at his staff. Jaye labeled
the inquiry a "railroad job." The rest of the Senate described
him as a liar and a bully.
Calvin Coolidge - A Man of Few Words President
Calvin Coolidge, 30th U. S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very
few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home.
When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?" Republicans' Dreams More Frightening CALIFORNIA
- A prominent dream researcher displayed her findings of a recent study
this week at the 18th Annual International Conference of the Association
for the Study of Dreams in Santa Cruz. Kelly Bulkeley of the Graduate
Theological Union in Berkeley, California, concludes that Republicans
have scarier and more frequent nightmares than Democrats. In fact, "Half
of the dreams of Republicans in my study were classified as nightmares,
compared to only about 18 percent of the dreams of Democrats," Bulkeley
reports. Both parties are blaming the head honcho. "What do you expect
after eight years of William Jefferson Clinton?" Kevin Sheridan,
Republican National Committee deputy press secretary, told UPI. "If
George W. Bush were the leader of my party, I'd have trouble sleeping
at night, too," quipped Democratic National Committee chairman Terry
McAuliffe. Interesting Presidential Trivia Abraham
Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope.
In fact, he worked on that address for two weeks. Ronald Reagan, the 40th U.S. president, saved 77 people from drowning as a lifeguard in his youth at a riverside beach near Dixon, Illinois. 20th president of the United States James Garfield could write Greek with one hand while writing Latin with the other. Abe Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, carried letters, bills, and notes in his notorious black, top-hat. First U.S. president George Washington rejected a movement among army officers to make him king of the United States. William Taft, 27th president of the United States, weighed more than 300 pounds and had a special oversized bathtub installed in the White House. The 38th president of the United States, Gerald Ford turned down offers to play professional football for the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions. Richard Nixon was the first president to visit all 50 states. Andrew Jackson, 7th U.S. president, dueled with Charles Dickinson after he insulted Jackson's marriage. Jackson let his opponent fire first, giving himself time to take aim. Jackson took a bullet in the chest and, without flinching, calmly killed his man. James Buchanan, 15th U.S. president and the first unmarried man to be elected president, reportedly took great pride in his tiny feet, although he was a large robust man. The 18th U.S. president, Ulysses S. Grant was born Hiram Ulysses Grant, but he changed his name because he did not like his monogram, HUG. The 28th
president of the United States, Woodrow Wilson allowed sheep to graze
on the White House lawn during World War I; their wool helped raise money
for the Red Cross. The 43rd
U.S. president, George W. Bush was head cheerleader at Phillips Academy,
a prep school in Andover, Massachusetts, where his father had been a legendary
student leader and athlete. Nicknamed "Lip," George W. also
organized an intramural stickball league at the school. Presidential
IQs Compared "Since
1973, the Lovenstein Institute has published it's research on each new
president, which includes the famous "IQ" report among others.
According to statements in the report, there have been twelve presidents
over the past 50 years, from F. D. Roosevelt to G. W. Bush who were all
rated based on scholarly achievements, writings that they alone produced
without aid of staff, their ability to speak with clarity, and several
other psychological factors which were then scored in the Swanson/Crain
system of intelligence ranking. " Proof That You Can Get Sex From Aides It
has been known for years that one can get AIDS from sex. However, nearly
simultaneous studies authorized by former President Bill Clinton and the
Reverend Jesse Jackson have confirmed that you can get sex from aides. He's
Not Voting for Harkins I am here
to address the allegation and... This is no
time for evasions, denials or alibis, Bush and Hussein Compare Dreams Saddam Hussein had a dream and called George Bush to tell him about it. "I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner," said Hussein. "And what did this banner say?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long live Saddam Hussein!" answered the Iraqi President. " I
am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I
too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful
than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big,
beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
"I don't know," answered President Bush, " I can't read
Hebrew." Transsexual Elected to New Zealand Parliament Sex
scandals can cripple an American politician's career, but in New Zealand
the voters are far more forgiving. Last Saturday a tall, male-to-female
transsexual and former prostitute was elected to Parliament. Georgina
Beyer, born George Bertrand in 1957, realized early in childhood that
he had a girl's soul trapped in a masculine body. At the age of 17 he
attended a drag show and afterwards burned all his apparel and took a
female name. Hormone tablets made Beyer's bosom blossom as he/she embarked
on a transvestite hooker/ stripper career. In 1984 she finally "made
the cut" with a sex-change operation. Jesse Jackson Threatens Self-Immolation Chicago
Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to
a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all." Oliver North Being Questioned in 1987 At
a lecture the other day they played an old video of Lt. Col. Oliver North
testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration. There
was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree.
But what he said was stunning!! He
was being drilled by some senator; "Did you not recently spend close
to $60,000 for a home security system?"
Ollie replied," Yes I did sir." The
senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't
this just a little excessive?"
No sir,' continued Ollie.
"No?
And why not?" the senator asked. "Because the lives of my family
and I were threatened, sir."
“Threatened?
By whom?" the senator questioned.
'By
a terrorist, sir.' Ollie answered.
'Terrorist?
What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?" "His
name is Osama bin Laden sir." Ollie replied.
At
this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce
it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people
laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. "Why are you
so afraid of this man?" the senator asked.
"Because
sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of, "Ollie answered. "And
what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator. "Well
sir, if it were up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed
to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The
senator disagreed with this approach and that was all that was shown of
the clip. For
your information, the Senator turned out to be none other than... Al
Gore. When Kennedy Drinks, Everybody Drinks Joseph
Kennedy (JFK's father) once entered the fashionable Gentlemen's Shamrock
Grille on Wall Street and joined a group of financiers. He beckoned to
a waiter and ordered a double scotch. In 1999,
Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about his much-ridiculed
claim that he invented the Internet. Gore said, "I was pretty tired
when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before
inventing the camcorder..." Political
Witticisms from Will Rogers Man Brings Guns to Rainbow/PUSH Forum CHICAGO --
A West Side man accused of bringing two unloaded guns to a Rainbow/PUSH
Coalition community forum where Rev. Jesse Jackson was speaking was held
Sunday in lieu of $25,000 bail. Jesse Jackson adds Mel Reynolds to Payroll Jessie Jackson
added former Chicago Democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH
Coalition's payroll. Uncategorized Political Quotes "The
vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit." "In
the United States Senate, one of the things I observed in the early days
- and it's still used - and that is that you take someone's argument and
then you misrepresent it and misstate and disagree with it. And it's very
effective. I've done it myself a number of times. But eventually, eventually
people catch on." One
word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, that one
word is 'to be prepared'. "One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." -Plato "Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." -Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992) "What
the hell would I want to go to a place like Mombasa? I just see myself
in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me..." Shortly
before he was married, someone asked Abraham Lincoln about his fiancée's
family name. "I'm
not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president." "When
more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." "It
is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to
beat somebody." "Things
are more like they are now than they ever were before." "A billion
here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." "The
streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them
unsafe" "The
internet is a great way to get on the net" "He
was a man of great statue" "It's
like an Alcatraz around my neck" "The
police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder" "If
you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all" If I were
two-faced, would I be wearing this one? I haven't
committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. One of the
great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. We need laws
that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays, regardless of
sexual perversion...ah, persuasion. Our
struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant
professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a
male schlemiel. -Bella Abzug, US Politician "We
are powerless in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it obstructs with
interstate commerce." "The
right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken
seriously." John Randolph,
a vitriolic legislator from Virginia in the early decades of the American
nation, was well known to be impotent. Few were the men, however, who
dared cross him, and the House held its breath when a member, in the heat
of debate, made some slanting reference to Randolph's lack of sexual prowess. "Feminism
encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice
witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." "Since
a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be
taken at his word." -Charles de Gaulle "The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses." --Bill Maher "He's
going around the country stirring up apathy." --William Whitelaw
on Harold Wilson, British Parliament "Those
who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber." "Plato
was a bore." "Nietzsche
was stupid and abnormal." "I don't
intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."
"Why
do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked then
President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "I used
to be the next president of the United States." At a government function in the nineteen-twenties, a young lady approached President Coolidge and said with much enthusiasm, "Oh, Mr. President, I have made a wager with a friend of mine that if I met you I could persuade you to say more than two words to me. Could you please?" And Coolidge,
without expression replied, "You lose." "Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." --James Bovard (1994)
"A liberal
is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes
to pay off with your money." "Going
to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordian."
"Americans
have different ways of saying things. They say 'Elevator;' we say 'Lift.'
They say 'President;' we say 'Stupid Psychopathic Git.'" "There
they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and evil." "He
gets so much in speaking fees these days that when I saw him in New York
the other night and said hello to him he said, 'That'll be $10.'"
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." --Ronald Reagan "I used
to be the next president of the United States." "Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before." --D. Eisenhower "The
depression is over." --President Herbert Hoover in June, 1930, a
decade before the U.S. would recover. "Any
American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by
definition, be disqualified from ever doing so." --Gore Vidal A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away! There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed! "I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?" "Because,
you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he'd be screwing somebody." Tipper Shaves Off All Her Pubic Hair At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore. "To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America." "Just what is that message, Mrs. Gore?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement. To which
Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush." "Gay Hairdresser" Ad Kills Campaign A US politician
claims that his career has been destroyed by a television advertisement.
In the commercial, Republican Mike Taylor from Montana is seen with his
top two or three shirt buttons undone, exposing his bare chest and several
gold chains. He proceeds to apply lotion to the face of a man sitting
in a barber chair in front of him wearing a tight-fitting, three-piece
suit, with a big-collared open shirt. Mr. Taylor described the commercial
as "character assassination", as he believes the spot insinuated
he was a gay hairdresser. Taylor says the video has killed his chances
to be elected into office. George Bush was out jogging one morning when he came across a little boy sitting on the White House lawn with a box full of newborn puppies. He was mesmerized by the cute little puppies and when the little boy said, "You should take one, they're Republican puppies," George replied, "Well, that's just great, maybe I will." The next day, he takes Dick Cheney jogging with him. "Dick, you gotta come with me, there's something I have to show you." As they approach the boy with the box, the boy says, "Would either of you like a puppy? They're Democrat puppies." A puzzled George asks, "But didn't you tell me just yesterday that they were Republican puppies?" The boy replied,
"Yes, but that was before their eyes opened." One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying. He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing". After a moment
of silence, she replied, "I guess I'll never vote for a Democrat
again". Which president
smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted
to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?? Which president
allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America
pageant?? Which president
had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval
office?? Which president
allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his
wife's half sister?? Which president
called his mistress "Pookie"?? Which president
married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded
an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign?? Which future
president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged
to someone else?? Which president
had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary?? Which president
had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one
point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from
attacking them?? Which president
had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president
who did the same in a closet?? Which Vice-President
was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was
much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?? Which future
president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which
he named Jumbo?? Rumsfield
and Saddam In 1988, the war between Iraq and Iran had reached gruesome proportions. Chemical warfare between the two counties shocked the world. It was at this time the infamous gassing incident regarding the Kurds happened. But in 1983, President Ronald Reagan turned to a former secretary of defense to carry a hand-written letter to Saddam Hussein saying the United States wanted to restore normal diplomatic relations with Iraq. The man who carried the message was none other than Donald Rumsfield. Rumsfield was the highest ranking official to visit Baghdad in nearly six years. The meeting was cordial with Saddam telling Rumsfield Iraq was not interested in causing trouble in the region and Rumsfield commenting that the U.S. was interested in a relationship with Iraq. The United States quickly informed Iraq's neighbors that its defeat would not be in the United States' interest. During this period, Iraq was desperately purchasing military hardware from American firms. This went on with the total blessing of the Reagan administration. Saddam was a busy shopper. He bought 60 Hughes helicopters worth over $200 million. While all this was going on, the UN issued a report about the allegations of Iraq's use of chemical weapons. Rumsfield said nothing and the New York Times reported that "American diplomats pronounce themselves satisfied with relations between Iraq and the United States and suggest that normal diplomatic ties have been resorted in all but name." In May of 1984 Rumsfield resigned and, later that year, full diplomatic relations were restored between the two countries. A couple of years later, Rumsfield was testing the waters, regarding a possible run for the presidency in 1988, and was pushing his achievements in helping to re-open ties with Iraq. All of this was occurring at a time when Saddam was gassing the Kurds.. What makes this important now is that, in 1984, Rumsfield was in a position to condemn Saddam but said nothing. Furthermore, despite the gassing of the Kurds and the use of chemical weapons, Rumsfield viewed his work as one of his accomplishments. He could have asked questions but he didn't. Which brings us to today and our question of the day: Why didn't Rumsfield say anything? At the time, Iran was viewed as a threat. So, anyone fighting Iran was considered our friend. We knew about Saddam and what he was doing quite well. He had murdered leftists and followers of Nasser, but that was alright with us. So Saddam was a thug all along, the only difference being that he was, at one time, our thug. His great crime was to become an independent thug. The idea that this war is being done for democracy is not at all connected with the past history of the area. It is hard to believe. Sources.
Washington Post The
Election of 2000 In the months leading to the election of 2000, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris and Governor Jeb Bush ordered the removal of tens of thousands of voters on the grounds that they were felons and, therefore, not entitled to vote. At first it was about 57,000 voters, but the company that did it for them, called ChoicePoint, now says it was 94,000 voters. ChoicePoint was sued by the NAACP and now has turned over the information and it turned out that 94,000 people were knocked off the rolls. When you consider how close this election was then you can see that this was a very high number. This would be legal if these people were guilty of crimes. It turns out that, at minimum, 97 percent of the people on the list are innocent. The list was aimed at Democrats and, as it turns out, about half the list are African American and other minorities. In fact one out of every eight black voters was denied the vote. This is a disgusting figure considering America's racial past, and especially its past regarding voting. Supposedly, these were convicted felons forbidden to vote in Florida, but 90 percent of them turned out to be innocent of any crime--except perhaps Voting While Black. Over half the innocent voters on the list were black, and had they been allowed to exercise their voting rights, Gore would have whipped Bush in Florida. ChoicePoint is a database company with prominent Republicans on its board and payroll. DBT, a company now owned by ChoicePoint of Atlanta, was paid $4.3 million for its work, replacing a firm that charged $5,700 per year for the same service. If the hope was that DBT would enable Florida to exclude more voters, then the state appears to have spent its money wisely. But is this just? So this is how the Bush people stole the election. They did it the old fashioned way by denying people of color the vote. If this is true, you may ask, why the press and the Democratic Party miss. It is an example of how racism in elections is still a very strong part of our culture. When this was brought to the attention of the Senate by the Black Caucus no one in the Democratic Party stood up and so the story died. The Supreme Court, and its chief justice who had once harassed minority voters and argued in favor of Plessy vs. Ferguson, helped seal the dirty deed. All of this you may say is old news but it serves as an example of why the Bush people see themselves as above any kind of ethics. I want to ask you Bush supporters if this is the kind of democracy you believe in. Is this democracy? How can we talk about free elections when we can't even have fair elections in the United States? To make matters worse, laws passed after 9-11 by the state of Florida make it impossible to study this until the state changes its laws. So there you have it. This is how they stole the election. Sources:
Greg Palast Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he began in this way: "My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian." (absolute silence); "But my Grandmother was an Episcopalian." (more silence); "I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Christian Scientist." (deep silence); "While my other Grandmother was Methodist." (even more silence). "But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through." (loud cheers!)" "And
I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!" Jane Fonda in Billings, Montana Star 100.7 Radio Station was doing one of their "is anyone listening who" bits this morning. The first one was, "Ever have a celebrity pull the 'Do you know who I am' routine?" A lady called in and said that when she was visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings, MT, a few years ago, they went to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes. Lots of other rancher types and their spouses were already waiting. In comes Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. They want a table. The hostess says they' ll have to wait about 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asks if she knows who she is? Yes, but you'll still have to wait 45 minutes." Then Jane says, "Is the manager in?" The manager comes out, "May I help you?" "Do you know who I am?", ask both Jane and Ted. "Yes, but these folks have all been waiting already and I can't put you in ahead of them." Then Ted asks to speak to the owner. The owner comes out. Jane again asks, Do you know who I am?" The owner
says "Yes, I do.... Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this
restaurant and a Vietnam Veteran. Not only will you not get a table ahead
of all of my friends and neighbors here, but you also will not be eating
in my restaurant tonight or any other night. Robin
Williams Has a Plan I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan: 1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again. 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence. 3) All illegal
aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll even
give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered
up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it in your nation, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers. 5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby. 6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy, reducing auto fuel consumption, and mat well require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else and they can drink and/or eat their oil. 8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will no longer "interfere." Those suffering can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, fertilizer, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need aid most get very little, anyway. 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to a far away island some place. We don't need the spies, unpaid parking tickets and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 9b) Use the UN buildings as a replacement for the twin towers. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. 11) The next time France gets invaded, we sit back and watch whether the invader is Germany, Austria, Spain, Italy, the Benelux nations or Liechtenstein. Now, ain't that a winner of a plan! PS: "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses yearning to live free.' Instead, she's got a baseball bat and she's screaming, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin Williams A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well
no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm
really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway..." Odd
Government Proposals Maryland's house created a bill to make walking the official exercise of the state. The city council of Bend, Oregon proposed banning smelly people from city buses. The mayor of Mount Sterling, Iowa, wanted to ban lying. The Pennsylvania
house and senate fiercely debated whether sugar or chocolate chip should
be the official state cookie. Democrats,
Republicans, Southern Republicans Question?
How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern
Republicans? You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied,
"Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells
like." During a
campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's
income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for
details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his
Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever
introduced. Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential
candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle. A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn
it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be
Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse
country!" 2004 Democratic National Convention Program OFFICIAL
2004 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION PROGRAM 8:30pm -
Terrorist appeasement workshop. You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is such a nice letter from our current President.
Mr. John
Hinckley Dear John: Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital has reported that you are doing fine. I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know. By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster? Sincerely,
"While
opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times
recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare
and balanced Vermont's budget - all traditionally conservative policies.
Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association,
which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy."
"Howard
Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting
advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than
the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?"
"The
Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove
to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President
Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred
institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because
you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer
wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures
that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African
parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political
beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."
"Some
see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others
see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will
never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." "Governor
Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage, and then he went back
to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys."
"President
Bush says he's troubled by all the gay weddings that have been going on
in San Francisco. Bush also says he's troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship
on 'Sesame Street.'" "John
Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better
than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows
how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his
place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for
the working man."
"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
Sometimes you feel like a nut (Democrat primary), sometimes you don't (general election). So which Democrat candidate will be nutty enough to win the primary, gaining that hearts of the Democrat base of drooling idiots? And will he make himself too nutty to be viable in the general election? To find these answers, let's see what Iowa caucus winner John Kerry had to say a few months back...
Kerry: Well, having served in Vietnam... Frank: Everyone
knows you served in Vietnam. You don't have to keep mentioning it. Frank: See,
there you go again. Anyway, you said the president lied to you about the
war, but you voted with him, which seems to mean you fell for it. Since
so many people think President Bush is dumb, how dumb does that make you?
Does that affect either your haughtiness or your French-lookingness? Frank: Is
this like a form of Tourette's syndrome? Frank: So,
what is your military experience, if any? Frank: Nice talking to you. Top
Ten Signs You're In Love With Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard
Dean 10. You've actually heard of him. 9. Whenever he discusses plans to revitalize economy, you get goose bumps. 8. Named your cats "Howard," "Dean" and "Six-Term Governor Howard Dean." 7. You'll only watch movies featuring Ron Howard or Harry Dean Stanton. 6. When you hear a report on the radio about a highway accident, you murmur, "Please, god, don't let Howard Dean be involved." 5. Constantly complain rival candidate Dennis Kucinich isn't "Howardly" enough. 4. Changed outfit four times before watching appearance on "Meet the Press." 3. You stand by him despite the fact his infidelities embarrassed you in front of the entire...oh wait, wrong Democrat. 2. When he announced his candidacy, you didn't laugh your ass off. 1. You're actually considering wasting a vote on him. Top
Ten Reasons, I, Joe Lieberman, Would Make A Great President 10. "Not only will my vice president be in an undisclosed location, I won't even reveal who he is." 9. "I know Microsoft Excel and can type 65 words a minute." 8. "I've gotten a lot of good advice from Martin Sheen." 7. "Instead of taking Air Force One, I can use all of my accumulated frequent flier miles." 6. "Saddam's a president and I'm way less nuts than he is." 5. "I will change the Constitution to guarantee every American a free DVD player." 4. "I am very comfortable in oval-shaped rooms." 3. "It just so happens Spider-Man is a close, personal friend of mine." 2. "I won't take any crap from France." 1. "Look at me. Do you honestly think there'll be a sex scandal?" Massachusetts Senator and Presidential hopeful John Kerry today announced that further research into his roots has revealed that he, in addition to being Irish, Jewish, and Southern white trash, is also Hispanic. According to a statement issued by Kerry: "Si, si, this happy new discovery comes as no great surprise to me. I love Taco Bell, and my family often teases me about my favorite cartoon character, Speedy Gonzales... that "reba reba, underlay underlay" thing he yells cracks me up every time. And I have always felt most comfortable wearing large hats and ponchos, although my position as Senator very rarely gives me a chance to do so. In closing, I would like to say "iy iy iy". When asked for particulars as to the national origin of his new-found Hispanic ancestors, Kerry replied that he wasn't too sure, but that they were the sort of people "beloved not only of Mexicans, but also Cubans, Puerto Ricans, and any other little brown people who vote."
..Five thousand years ago, Moses said, "Hitch up your camel. Pick up your shovel. Mount your ass. I will lead you to the promised land." Five thousand years later, Franklin Roosevelt said, "Light up a Camel. Lay down your shovel. Sit on your ass. This is the promised land." Today, George Bush will lay off your camel, tax your shovel, kick your ass and tell you there is no promised land.
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