The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."
was sitting in a bar having a beer when this drunk staggered up to him
and said "hey buddy, your collar is turned around backwards!"
The priest answered and said "that's because I'm a Father."
The drunk replied back, "I'm a father too, I have 3 children."
The Priest said back, "No I'm a father of hundreds." The drunk
looked at the Priest and said "Buddy you need to turn your shorts
around then, not your collar."
A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he realizes that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I must perform a necessary function." The nun agrees, but looks a little puzzled. "Father, how will I know what penance to give to who?" The priest replies, "There's a little list on the wall. Consult it and it'll tell you what to do." and he runs off.
A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my neighbor." The nun looks at the list on the wall and finds stealing on the list. "Say two Hail Marys and be on your way." She thinks to herself, this isn't too hard. A few minutes later, another fellow walks in. "Father forgive me, for I have sinned." he says. "I have fornicated." The nun looks on the list and finds fornication. She says to him "Say two Hail Marys and an Our Father and be on your way." She then starts thinking , " this isn't hard at all! I could do this more often!" A third man walks in and says, " Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I had oral sex," The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously and spots an altar boy. She pulls him aside and asks him, "What does the Father give for oral sex?"
boy replies, "I don't know what he gives you, Sister, but he give
me two Snickers bars and a pat on the head."
One afternoon a man and woman are in bed having fun when all all of sudden she hears a noise and yells out, "Oh No, it's my husband." The man flies out of bed and jumps in the bedroom closet to hide in as he is dressing.
All of a sudden he hears this little voice say, "IT'S AWFUL DARK IN HERE!" He almost jumps out of his skin and asks who this is.. The little voice says, "That's my mommy out there and unless you give me some money I'm gonna yell for my daddy!!! The man says, "Don't do that little boy, here's $20 bucks." The little boy says, "I want more than that or I'll scream." The man says, "Here's $43,bucks, It's all I have!" The little boy says okay and a little while later the man manages to slip out of the house...
The next day the little boy and his mother are shopping and he asks for a certain toy. She says she cannot afford it so don't start crying! He says, "That's okay mommy, I have the money" and proceeds to pull out some money. She asks where he got the money but no amount of coaxing gets the answer from him!!! She hits him and yells but he's not talking!!! Finally she says she is going to take him to the church and he must go into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money!
drags him into church and pushes him into the confessional booth. As soon
as he goes in he says, "IT'S AWFUL DARK IN HERE". And the priest
on the other side says, " Lets not start that Shit again!!!!"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is
floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks
at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says
those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you
think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit!
What happened next?'
Permission to Steal from the Priest
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh,
Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the
kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Christmas turkey.
Rosary and Two Martinis Every Day
A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you
fix us two martinis please?"
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."
"Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."
"Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."
"Only what, my child?"
"Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"
now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father
Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."
Father Norton Decides to Play Golf
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
A Girl With No Panties in Church
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $20 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take
this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
The Vicar Leaves His Wife in Bed Smoking
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said,
"Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $1,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Alabama Minister Propositions the Choir Director
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came
in, they'd think we were dancing."
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church
. . . . Haven't seen one back since."
A preacher invited a Cardinal over to his house for dinner one night. The Cardinal accepted and they had a wonderful dinner. While they were eating the Cardinal noticed the preacher had a beautiful housekeeper.
The next day the Cardinal got a letter from the preacher that said "I enjoyed having you for dinner. One thing is that I had a silver ladle and now it is missing. Now, I am not saying you took it but...."
responded "It was a lovely evening. Now, I am not saying you are
sleeping with your housekeeper, but if you had spent last night in your
own bed you would have found your ladle..!"
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted
on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that
The Humor Impaired Preacher Tries a Joke
A preacher, who was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, our pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were
spent in the arms of a woman that was not my wife!" The congregation
inhaled in surprise. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the
stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor
finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
A Preacher Faces His Accuser in Church
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.
there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member
of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a "Wizard
under the sheets".
The New pastor Makes a Housecall
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
because I was naked."
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have
to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch
said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She
can't even swim."
The Preacher and His Wife Make a Deal
A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.
The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly.
After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts.
That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.
"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"
The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered "yes."
"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."
The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"
quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."
Penance for Going to a Whore House
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.
Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. He went on driving and praying. By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. He realized he was terribly horny again. So, again, he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession.
It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's."
The man said, "What?! In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing!"
Father replied quietly,
"Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?"
A Priest and a Minister in a Gay Bar
A priest and a minister
walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the
priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar!"
A Young Priest Enters a Silent Order
There was a young Irish priest that decided that he wanted to go into a silent order, a cloistered monastery. When he was interviewed by the abbot, he was told, "These are the rules! You may speak only once a year and are allowed to use only two words."
The priest thought that was acceptable, and he became a monk. At the end of the first year he was called in by the abbot who asked him what he had to say, remembering the two word limit. He said, "Beds hard", and he went back to his cell for another year. At the end of the second year and time to talk to the abbot, when asked what he had to say, he said, "Foods cold", and back he went. At the end of the third year, the priest decided that he had enough of being a monk. When the abbot asked him what he had to say, his response was, "I quit!".
The abbot responded, " Well, I am not surprised! You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."
And on a Similar Note...
There was a very strict
order of monks who lived by a rule that permitted speaking only once on
one day a year, one monk per year. When the day came around, the monk
whose turn it was stood up and said, "I don't like the mashed potatoes
here, they're too lumpy." And he sat down.
Not Telling the Truth Can be Embarrassing
gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he was a little
embarrassed to tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he
had discussed horseback riding with the members.
Priest Caught Banging the Bride
Romania - It almost turned into a triple burial when an Orthodox priest
and his mistress were thrown naked out of a house by her husband -- right
in the middle of a funeral procession. The 35-year-old priest had married
the young woman to her husband three weeks earlier. The lovers were caught
by the husband at his home in County Galati. Church authorities are now
investigating the incident.
Father, What Causes Arthritis?
who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a
priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was covered with bright
red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his
is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing confessions. A man walks
in, kneels down and says, "Father, it has been two weeks since my
last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie
preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about
ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice
they gave him in seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat
your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next.
So he gave it a try.
The Parish Invents a Code Word for Adultery
was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing to adultery.
The Offering Hat Comes Back Empty
was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the
day, a rabbi goes to a doctor and asks him, "Doctor, my son...I'm
terribly worried about him. He's almost 21 now, but I'm not sure of his
path in life."
The One Who Tells the Biggest Lie Wins
is out walking one day when he saw a bunch of little boys surrounding
a dog. Afraid that they were hurting it, he went over and asked what was
Q: Do you
know why altar boys always have their hair parted down the middle?
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids
on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
What is the difference between acne and a priest?
"Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers."
Q: How do
you get a nun pregnant?
remaking the movie 'The Exorcist'.
Waxing Eloquent on the Dangers of Sinning
on the dangers of sinning, one dynamic young preacher boomed to the congregation
from the pulpit, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you
who have sinned and are unrepentant, may your tongue cleave to the woof
of your mouf!"
a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the
Rest Assured...Teeth Will be Provided
of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course,
he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.
The Congregation Prays for Rain
summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot
and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There
isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home,
pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending
Ralph Walks Out During the Sermon
hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman
said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your
Get Your Reward in Heaven
fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have
O'Connor is Missing His Bicycle
priests get together every week to play chess. One week Father Sal
is two hours late. When he arrived, Father O'Connor asked, "Why
are you late Father?"
An Irish Priest is Transferred to Tennessee
Cork born Father O'Connor's reputation for castigating the Brits from
the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new parish
of Boston, Mass., tired of him lambasting the Brits for the horrors they
inflicted upon the Irish for generations. Ultimately, the Archbishop opted
to send the good father to a small hamlet in the far reaches of Tennessee
where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing of England and
care less. So knock off the Brit bashing and you'll better serve Holy
fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had
been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog
sitting on a toadstool.
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
I took up a collection."
Two dads from the neighborhood were standing around watching their kids play on the playground. These guys are always trying to top each other with new jokes.
One of the dads, Pete, pipes up and asks Bob if he knew anything about wrestling. Bob proceeds to tell him a thing or two, and walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through his right armpit and his hand on Pete's neck. "What's this called?" Bob asks.
"That's a half-nelson," Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head.
"Very good, Petey," Bob replied. "Now, what's this?" He did the same exact thing to Pete's left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him.
"That's a full-nelson," Pete said, trying to figure out what Bob's joke could be.
"Right!" Bob said. Then, remaining behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete's over by putting pressure on his neck, Bob bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his ass. "What's this?" Bob said.
"I don't know," Pete admitted.
"It's a Father Nelson!"
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either.
Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't! belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir
boys stood up.
I Would Like Three Pickets to Titsburg
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg," whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,"
he continued, "if you insist on
Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
one replies, "Hey, speak for yourself. It's working just fine--I'm
down to two butts a day!"
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says, "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other, but nod OK. The first priest says, "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts, "Well....with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I snitch the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now, reluctantly says, "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REALLY get it out of my system."
look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of
the four speaks up saying, "Come now, we've all told our innermost
faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly,
"Well...I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this
The Parish Priest Gets His House Painted
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?".
says the brat, "a tight cunt!"
Finding the Appropriate Penance
A Catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three week meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever.
"I feel up to the challenge Father", he said, "but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of penance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?"
The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins and penance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.
The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his predecessor left him.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with." came the first voice.
Nervously the young priest checked his list: impure thoughts--see also Adulterous thoughts, Disrespective thoughts, Murderous thoughts.
He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that four Hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the penance and waited.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," said the next person, "I took $50.00 from my employers desk!"
The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found: Stealing--< $10.00 - 10 hail Marys; < $100.00 - 20 hail Marys; < $1000.00 - 50 hail Marys; $1000.00 - 80 hail Marys and five rosary prayers.
After assigning the appropriate penance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person, "I was butt-fucked by another man!"
The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing. Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even find it under butt-fuck, ass-fuck, ass-pump, everything he looked for was somehow absent from his list.
Finally, he grabbed a choir boy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting.
"What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?"
sometimes a Mars bar, sometimes a Snickers!"
Two Priests and a Topless Woman
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
What are You Giving up for Lent
are chatting when the first priest says he's going to give up red meat
for lent. The second priest thinks for a minute and says he's going to
give up sweets for Lent. The third priest's attention had wandered to
a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when the first priest
asks him what he was going to give up for lent. After regaining control
of himself he returns to the conversation and replies, "Celibacy."
Impure Thoughts About His Sister
Little Johnny was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
nodded and said, "Yes Little Johnny, indeed it is a sin. Look at
the two beautiful brothers you have!"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A monk who's been sheltered all of his life has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.
On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute, who says: "Blowjob? Five dollars?"
"No, thank you!" the monk says, blushing.
He moves on to the next street corner, and another hooker asks him, "Blowjob? Five dollars."
He hurriedly rushes down the streets, but on each corner, there's a woman asking if he wants a blowjob. By the time he reaches the convent, he's very upset.
He asks his friend the nun, "Sister, what's a "blowjob?"
and replies: "Five dollars."
A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore because I heard sometimes people like to go have sex in there. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?!"