The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange
reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
"I've good news for you," said the psychiatrist. "You're a well man. It won't be necessary for you to continue the analysis any longer."
"How wonderful, doctor," said the patient. "I'm so very pleased, I wish there were something special I could do for you in return."
"Oh, that's not necessary. You've paid your bill and that's all that's expected."
"But really, doctor, I'm so elated I could kiss you!"
"No, don't do
that. Actually, we shouldn't even be lying here on the couch together."
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."
The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told:
"Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"
Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.
Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to
cut the legs off the bed!"
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."
The patient said,
"I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake,
no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel
guilty and depressed afterwards."
Lewis walks into a psychologist's office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear.
The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
Lewis answers, "Well,
Doc, I'm worried about my brother."
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient
number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm
sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient
#1 what Patient #2 was doing.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies,
"What? And work in the dark?"
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.
first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down
on my couch."
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored,
"Please--break my arms!"
Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."
Psychiatrist: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."
Andy: Oh yeah? In
the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year
struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then
that stupid letter arrived!"
The psychiatrist waited
until the patient became comfortable on the couch, and then said, "Why
don't you start at the beginning?"
After a sexual harassment
incident at work Frank is sent to a psychiatrist for evaluation. The Doctor
explains that he'll be showing Frank a series of ink blot images called
A group of people
were in group therapy for various mental conditions. The analyst, thinking
they were making progress, announced that he was having a Halloween costume
party at his home and invited the entire group to the party on the condition
that they arrived dressed in a costume relating to an emotion.
A guy walks into a
shrink's office complaining of trouble with women. The shrinks asks him
what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."
The psychiatrist was
not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and
slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory,
Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife,
home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But
all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business
- I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left
me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until
four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting
worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"
A patient in a mental
hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would
do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come
back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously,
his release was denied.
to the Psychiatric Hotline
A guy goes
to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as
if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do you
think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing seeing
news, Mr. Smith," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen
months of therapy, I can confidently pronounce you completely cured of
your kleptomania. You'll never be tempted by such desires again."
I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend,
that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while
I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management
and relaxation techniques.
Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive
disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed
with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
Put Him There to Dry
feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
A man walked
into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got
to help me. I can't go on like this."
How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
For as long
as I can remember I've had amnesia.
A Man goes
to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is
unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks
up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.
The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months."
"I had the strangest dream last night," a young man told his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
was silent for a minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts, so he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
"Let's do a word association test," said the doctor. "I will say a word and you will say the first thing that pops into your head."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Tits," replied the patient.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connection between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
there is one on the left and one on the right."
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" Great," replied the nurse.
leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds
Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks,
"Bob what are you doing!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's
wife while he's in Chicago!"
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked
by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
Okay, this is pretty fun. It's one of those "draw a picture and we'll tell you how screwed up you are" things, so don't cheat and scroll down until you've followed the instructions.
The Pig Test
You only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.
1 Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it
2 Don't look at the results before you have drawn the pig
3 DON'T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING THE PIG!
Okay, are you ready? Oink, let's start. Scroll to the bottom for the results.
If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient and suspicious.
If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded, sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot of risks.
If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.
If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold on to your plans.
If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.
The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen to other people---the bigger the better...
the pig's tail should tell you something about your sexuality, once again
the bigger and more curled, the... what, forgot the tail? No, it's absolutely
impossible to do the test again.
The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
my fellow monkey, is how corporate policy begins.
question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for
the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.