Pun for All...
No point in trying to index these - just have fun perusing the foolishness...
DEFUNITIONS: -From George Reis Via: Pun American Newsletter
Where some hemlines fall
upon a time there was a community that was hassled by friars forcing people
to buy flowers at gunpoint. The whole town was in an uproar. "What
do we do?" they wondered.
There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was trying to breed. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local herpetologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes, and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and made two tables out of them. Put the table and snakes into a cage, and leave them alone for a while." Well, the breeder thought this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later, he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the expert, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, your snakes are adders, and everybody knows that ADDERS CAN MULTIPLY ONLY ON LOG TABLES."
Declining Frog Population Solution
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim. "Yes," said Tom. "THEY NEED MONO-SODIUM GLUE TO MATE!"
A Guy Walks Into a Bar...
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of sirloin hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman about it and the barman replies, "It's a competition. If you can jump high enough to get the meat down you get dinner on the house. But if you miss you have to buy a round for the whole bar."
The guy thinks about it and says, "No, I don't think so...
the steaks are too high!"
Skunk, Lion and Hawk Argue over Superiority
There's a famous fable concerning a skunk, a lion and a hawk who were debating as to which one was the most dangerous and feared animal in the jungle.
The hawk claimed top dog: "I win because I hit 'em from above, and from above, I have the best view of all. I can see things nobody else can!"
The lion rejoined: "Nonsense! I'm the most powerful animal of all, with the longest, sharpest teeth and claws. I'm the most dangerous, for sure!"
Then the skunk said: "I can stink up the whole jungle and run out every man or beast in the territory."
And so they argued, on and on, until a big old bear came along and swallowed the three of them, Hawk, Lion and Stinker!
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whiskbroom.
The groom broom was aghast! "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never even swept together!"
Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in
pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally
swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get help, "Mamma!
Pappa! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"
Two of New
England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are
also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that Dick is a fine
ship builder, but he's not the rigger Mort is.
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. He would often go on hunger strikes, and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He thus came to be known as a :
"Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender,"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they wouod solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem.
However, this action proved disastrous for the neighboring town of Lieden . Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said.... "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=`~!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged.".
The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."
What is the
last thing Tickle Me Elmo dolls get as they finish up the manufacturing
Ladder of success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached
the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing,
flies buzzing around his head.