Golf commentator:

Golf commentator: "Nick Faldo has shown himself to be a worthy world number one by finishing second here today."

David Coleman: "And the line-up for the final of the Women's 400 meters hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

Presenter, BBC Wales: "It's not only a race against the clock but a race against time itself."

Dan Maskell: "The Gullikson twins here. An interesting pair - both of them from Wisconsin."

James Richardson: "Ten Tour de France riders crashed, two retired after falls, another dropped out when diarrhea slowed him to the point of elimination..."

Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some favorite Goldwynisms:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"In two words, impossible."

"Include me out"

"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."

"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."

"You fail to overlook the crucial point."

"For your information, just answer me one question!'

"It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."

"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."

"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."

"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."

"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
 
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. -W.C. Fields

When I was in school, I was beaten every 30 minutes. It never did me any harm except for some psychological mal-adjustments and blurred vision. -John Cleese

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
-Orson Welles

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag. -Russell Baker

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums.
- Hunter S. Thompson as quoted by William F. Buckley, Jr., who added: 'Though one should be prepared to vomit rather frequently and disport with pink elephants and assorted grotesqueries while trying, often unsuccessfully, to make one's way to the toilet.'

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. -Dave Barry

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in The Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? -Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. -Christopher Case

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but When God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.-Jackie Gleason

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. -Truman Capote

Oh, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.-Robin Williams

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -- Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.-Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.-Jeff Foxworthy

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. -Last words of Humphrey Bogart

My father used to make home movies and edit out the joy. - Richard Lewis

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again. -Clint Eastwood

I can resist everything except temptation.
--Oscar Wilde

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me."
--John Cleese on businessmen

"I didn't have time. I was too busy breaking up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage."
--George Clooney, in response to the rumor that he's the reason Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt split up.

"The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him."
--Cher

To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
--Henry Miller (1891-1980)

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
--Charles Schulz

"Well, I can wear heels now." -Nicole Kidman about ex-husband  
-- Tom Cruise, on The Late Show with David Letterman

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
--Michelle Pfeiffer

"This present government in America I just find disgusting, the idea that George Bush could run a baseball team successfully--he can't even speak! I just find him an embarrassment. I was over here (England) when the election was on and I couldn't believe it--and I'm 76 years old. Then when the Supreme Court came in and turned out to be a totally political animal, the last shred of any naivety that was left in me has gone. When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke."
-Film director Robert Altman in an interview with the Times of London

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."
 --H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), American author

Interviewer: "If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United States, why do you live here?"
Mencken: "Why do men go to zoos?"
H.L. Mencken, on America

"Health nuts are going to feel awfully stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." 
-Redd Foxx

"They think they can act like God Almighty because they've got a cock and they can change a flat."
 -Victoria Wood (British comedy actress and singer), on men

"I never set out to be a businessman. I just wanted to have fun, bang chicks and do drugs."
- OZZY OSBOURNE explains his carefully crafted career plan.

"Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebites and furthermore, always carry a small snake." 
--W.C. Fields

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
--Will Rogers

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
--Sam Levenson

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
--Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know." 
--Groucho Marx

"The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much. I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

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Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

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Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

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Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?

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Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

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Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

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Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

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Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

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Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

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Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol

Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

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Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

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Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

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Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose

Dear Rose,
So would I.

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Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess

Dear Bess,
Night and day.

On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes:

My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Pregnancy:

Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your hand...It won’t be long now...

On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Clio Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice There's always like 18% that say I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!(Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for

$3.95 to say I'm not in the mood.

On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep.

Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.
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