Redneck
/ Macho Humor 
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Redneck / Macho Humor II
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and our NEW Cowboy
Humor page
The
Virgin
Once there
was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school equivalency
diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting.
One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating.
They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like
Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.
After the
ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and
to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an
actual, money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the
bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of
the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and
tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said, "I'm
a virgin."
The boy immediately
flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the
back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents'
house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's
house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears.
His Dad comforted
him and said, "You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!!
Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough
for OURS!!!"
Back to the Top
Redneck
Dictionary of Computer Terms:
 |
Backup
- What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
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Bar
Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
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Bug
- The reason you give for calling in sick
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Byte
- What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
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Cache
- Needed when you run out of food stamps
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Chip
- Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
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Crash
- When you go to Junior's party uninvited
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Digital
- The art of counting on your fingers
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Fax
- What you lie about to the IRS
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Hacker
- Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
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Hardcopy
- Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
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Internet
- Where cafeteria workers put their hair
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Keyboard
- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
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Mac
- Big Bubba's favorite fast food
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Megahertz
- How your head feels after 17 beers
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Modem
- What ya do when the grass gets too high
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Network
- Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
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Online
- Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
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ROM
- Where the pope lives
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Screen
- Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
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Superconductor
- Amtrak's Employee of the year
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SCSI
- What you call your week-old underwear
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And
still more...
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Log
On:.................. Makin' the wood stove hotter.
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Log
Off:.................Don't add no wood.
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Monitor:..................Keepin'
an eye on the wood stove.
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Download:...............Gettin'
the firewood off the pickup.
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Mega
Hertz:.........When yer not careful down loadin'.
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Floppy
Disk:..........Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
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Ram:..........................The
hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
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Hard
Drive:............Gettin' home in the winter season.
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Prompt:....................What
you wish the mail was in the winter.
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Windows:.................What
to shut when it's below 15 below.
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Screen:.....................What
'cha need for the black fly season.
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Byte:...........................That's
what the flies do.
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Chip:............................What
to munch on.
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Micro
Chip:...............What's left in the bottom of the bag.
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Infrared:..................Where
the left-overs go when Fred's around.
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Modem:......................What
'cha did to the hay fields.
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Dot
Matrix:..............Farmer Matrix's wife.
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Lap
Top:......................Where little kids feel comfy.
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Keyboard:
..................Where ya hang your keys.
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Software:
..................Them plastic eatin' utensils.
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Mouse:.........................Whats
eats the horses grain.
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Main
Frame:...............Hold up the barn roof.
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Port:..............................Fancy
wine.
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Enter:...........................C'mon
in.
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Random
Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle
when your wife asks.
|
We're
not done yet...
How
to Tell if a Redneck is Working at the Computer in the Neighboring Cubicle:
1.The mouse
is referred to as a "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack is mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no
redneck.
8.Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14.The monitor is up on blocks.
15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos
playing in the background.
18.The six front keys have rotted out.
19.John Deer Pocket Protectors.
Back to the Top
What's
that noise?
An Iowan
walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees
in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan
is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining
that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes
the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says: "What's
that noise?"
Back to the Top
One
Liners
|
Q:
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
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South
Carolina's state motto: Attention K-mart Shoppers.
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In
Alabama, if you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
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Q.
What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer.
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Q:
What is an Alabama virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
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Q:
What is the definition of a Tennessee Virgin?
A: An ugly 3rd grader.
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Q:
How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q:
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it till she's sixteen. |
|
Q:
What do they call "Hee-Haw" in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary. |
|
Q:
What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
A: "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" |
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What's
the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
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What's
the most popular pickup line in Alabama?
Nice tooth! |
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How
do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
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How
can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did
you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age, in Tennessee
to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
|
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Why
did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
|
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Where
was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called
a teethbrush. |
|
Arkansas
State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver,
"Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?" |
|
Did
you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. |
|
Why
did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA. |
|
Did
you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned
down? |
|
Yep.
Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. |
|
A
new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
|
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What's
the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40. |
|
How
can you tell if you're in a redneck-Amish neighborhood?
By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...
|
|
Q:
Did you hear about the Alabama redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it until she's fourteen. |
|
Q:
Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck up the chicken's ass! |
|
Why
do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
|
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Q:
What do you call a redneck who has both a dog and a cat?
A: Bisexual! |
|
Q:
Did you hear about Kankakee, IL's City Hall burning down?
A: Yup... burned right down to both axles! |
|
Q:
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
A: She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know
what to spit and what to swallow. |
|
Q:
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin. |
|
Q:
Why does it take seven people to give a redneck a bath?
A: Three to hold him down, and four to spit on him.
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Q:
What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth! |
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What
do you call 30 tractors circling a McDonalds in Iowa?
Prom Night |
|
Q:
What is considered foreplay in Alabama?
A: "Get in the truck, girl!!"
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Q:
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
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Q:
What do Rednecks and KFC have in common?
A: They do chicken right!
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Q:
How can you tell if a redneck is gay?
A: He has chewing tobacco on his dick. |
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Q:
How can you tell if an Atlanta redneck is married?
A: There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. |
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Atlanta
State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver,
"Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?" |
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A
hillbilly takes his 13-year-old daughter to the gynecologist. The
doctor asks if she is sexually active. The father says "No, she
just lays there like her mother." |
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What
did the hillbilly virgin say to her partner after her first orgasm?
"Get off me, dad. You're crushing my Camels!"
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Why
is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?
A) The DNA is
all the same.
B) No dental records.
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Back
to the Top
Country
Western Song Titles (really)
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Do
You Love as Good as You Look?
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Get
Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
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Her
Teeth Were Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
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Here's
a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
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How
Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
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I
Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
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I
Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
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I
Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All over Me
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I
Keep Forgettin' I Forgot about You
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I
Wanna Whip Your Cow
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I
Would Have Wrote You a Letter, but I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
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I'd
Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy
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I'm
Just a Bug on the Windshield of Life
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I've
Got the Hungries for Your Love and I'm Waiting in Your Welfare Line
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If
I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You
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If
Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
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If
My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
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If
the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
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If
You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will
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If
You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
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Mama
Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)
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May
the Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose
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My
Every Day Silver Is Plastic
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My
John Deere Was Breaking Your Field,
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While
Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
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My
Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
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Oh,
I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears and My Glasses Are Slipping Down, but
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Baby
I Can See Through You
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Pardon
Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
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She
Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft;
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
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She
Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
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She's
Got Freckles on Her, but She's Pretty
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Thank
God and Greyhound She's Gone
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They
May Put Me In Prison, but They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out
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Velcro
Arms, Teflon Heart
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When
You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
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You
Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd
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You
Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped that Sucker Flat
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You
Were Only a Splinter in My Ass as I Slid Down the Bannister of Life
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You're
the reason our kids are so ugly
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You're
not the best but you're the best that I can do. |
Back
to the Top
The
Poetry Contest
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to
two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an
upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line
poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word
"Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock
started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top
that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Back to the Top
Oklahoma
Drivers License Application
STATE OF OKLAHOMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A _ How many?
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Back
to the Top
The
Vasectomy
After having
their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could
not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who
also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want
to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him
to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian
said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see
how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy
when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer
can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring
that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit
a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point
he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand. .
Back to the Top
The
Hindlick Manuever
Two of Alabama's
finest Deputy Sheriffs, Jed and Bubba, are doing a stakeout of the soda
fountain at the department store when a gorgeous young female tourist
walks in eating a donut. Stunned by her beauty, the two deputies stare
at her for awhile when, all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her
throat, and turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress).
One Deputy
says to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agrees and says, "Think we should go help?"
"You bet," says the first, and with that he runs over and says,
"Can you speak?"
She shakes
her head no.
He then asks,
"Can you breathe?"
She again
shakes her head no.
With that,
he pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her on the butt.
She is so
shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe, with great
relief.
At which
point, the first deputy looks at his friend and exclaims, "I guess
that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
Back to the Top
The
Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas:
|
16:
Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the
crowd and sold as concession snacks.
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15:
Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street",
forced to change its name.
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14:
In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out
to be owned by Hillary Clinton.
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13:
The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase.
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12:
No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on
fresh bacon fat.
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11:
Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats
and ATF agents.
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10:
Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling
as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin'
all them new Russian ones!"
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9:
Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.
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8:
Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed
*hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.
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7:
Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing
Competition."
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6:
Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
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5:
Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold,
silver and bronze teeth.
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4:
Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.
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3:
Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and
a trunk full of bottle rockets.
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2:
Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them
extra toes.
|
|
1:
Two words: Billy Bobsledding
|
Back
to the Top
Alligator
Shoes
An Army Ranger
was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he decided that he wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high
prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming
very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get
my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor
said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple
of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger
headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two
men standing waist deep in the water.
He thought,
"those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."
Just then,
the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards
one of the Marines.
Just as the
gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands
and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged
it on shore and flipped it on its back.
One of the
Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Back to the Top
Retirement
in the Boonies
Sam has been
in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity
as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six
months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man
standing there.
"Name's
Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday...
thought you'd like to come."
"Great,"
says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Lars is
leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not
a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."
Again, as
he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin'
too."
Sam says,
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again
Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties,
too."
"Now
that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops
in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the
two of us."
Back to the Top
Rules
for Yankees who move to the South
|
1.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how
to use it.
|
|
2.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".
You have a 75% chance of being right.
|
|
3.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
|
|
4.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
|
|
5.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
|
|
6.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
|
|
7.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
|
|
8.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is
plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
|
|
9.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent,
unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
|
|
10.Get
used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
|
|
11.People
walk slower here.
|
|
12.Don't
be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
you either.
|
|
13.The
first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in"big ol'
truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin
their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.
|
|
14.The
proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
|
|
15.Be
advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
|
|
16.If
attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
|
|
17.If
you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever
say.
|
|
18.Most
Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
|
|
In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
|
|
19.Northerners
can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield
that comes from yelling at other drivers.
|
|
20.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
November.
|
|
22.If
there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it
is just something you're supposed to do.
|
|
23.Satellite
dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is
to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer
and should, therefore, be displayed.
|
|
24.Tornadoes
and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either
case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
|
|
25.Florida
is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than
Southerners living there.
|
|
26.In
Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor.
You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy",
Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
|
|
27.As
you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly
in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane position for the vehicle.
|
|
28.You
can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying
to find it yourself.
|
Rules
edited for Florida. All rules apply as is except:
|
3.
All Yankees that have moved into the state have also forgotten how
to drive on snow and ice. Most have also forgotten where the accelerator
is in their car also.
|
|
11.There
are two kinds of walkers here the "will run you over get the
heck out of my way" and the kind a snail could beat in a race.
The second kind is far more prevalent than the first.
|
|
19.Northerners
cannot be determined by the spit on their windshield. But by their
exceedingly slow speed (20 mph on the 70 mph Interstate).
|
|
25.Florida
is where Northern states send their geriatric cases to plug up our
highways... they are really all y'all's problem.
|
Back
to the Top
That's
Supernatural
A visiting
professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe
in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students
raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have
any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept
with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and
begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with
a Ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats.'"
Back to the Top
An
Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work
An Irishman,
a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding
on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman
said, " Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The
Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Alabama
redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death. the Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and
jumps too. The Alabama redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps
to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She
says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage,
I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps
and says " I could have given him two tacos or enchiladas! I didn't
realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck's wife. "Hey, don't
look at me," she said, "He made his own damn lunch!!"
Back to the Top
Martha
Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Back to the Top
You
Might Be a Redneck if...
|
You
let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
|
|
You've
been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
|
|
You
think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
|
|
Anyone
in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch
this!"
|
|
You've
got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
|
|
Your
wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
|
|
Your
Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
|
|
You
lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
|
|
The
bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas it has in it.
|
|
Your
dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
|
|
You
need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of Tattoos.
|
|
A
tornado came through your town and made 100,000 dollars in improvements
|
|
You
think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
|
|
You
ever cut your grass and found a car.
|
|
You
own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
|
|
You
think the stock market has a fence around it.
|
|
Your
stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
|
|
Your
boat has not left the driveway (or front yard) in 15 years.
|
|
You
own a homemade fur coat.
|
|
Chiggers
are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
|
|
The
Salvation Army declines your mattress.
|
|
You've
ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
|
|
Birds
are attracted to your beard.
|
|
Your
wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
|
|
You
were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
|
|
You
have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
|
|
You've
ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
|
|
Your
school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
|
|
You
think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
|
|
You've
ever given rat traps as gifts.
|
|
You
clean your fingernails with a stick.
|
|
Your
coffee table used to be a cable spool.
|
|
You
keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
|
|
Your
wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
|
|
Your
mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
|
|
Every
socket in your house breaks a fire code.
|
|
You've
totaled every car you've ever owned.
|
|
There
are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
|
|
The
Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
|
|
There
has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
|
|
The
taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
|
|
You
think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
|
|
You've
ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
|
|
You
think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to
a movie.
|
|
You
have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
|
|
You've
ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
|
|
The
dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
|
|
People
hear your car a long time before they see it.
|
|
The
gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
|
|
You
prefer car keys to Q-tips.
|
|
You
take a fishing pole into Sea World.
|
|
You
think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
|
|
You've
ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
|
|
You
think the French Riviera is foreign car.
|
|
You
go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
|
|
You've
ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
|
|
You
have ever used lard in bed.
|
|
You
own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
|
|
You
have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
|
|
You
consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.
|
|
Your
lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
|
|
Someone
asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
|
|
The
primary color of your car is bondo.
|
|
Directions
to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
|
|
Your
dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
|
|
You
owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
|
|
You
ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
|
|
Jack
Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
|
|
You
see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
|
|
You
consider the fifth grade your senior year.
|
|
You
have a rag for a gas cap.
|
|
The
dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
|
|
You
have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
|
|
You
have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
|
|
You
actually wrote to Ford requesting the rules to Truck Football.
|
|
You
actually pay attention to what is said on those fishing shows.
|
|
You
see a sign that says "Don't do Crack" and it reminds you
to pull up your pants.
|
|
Nobody
but nobody can overhaul a transmission like Momma.
|
|
Your
momma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
|
|
No
two tires on your car are the same size.
|
|
You
regard the Styrofoam ice chest as the 8th wonder of the world.
|
|
You
measure distance in six packs instead of miles.
|
|
Your
best pair of shoes have numbers on the back.
|
|
When
you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.
|
|
You
get your daily requirement for fiber from toothpicks.
|
|
Your
marriage license is on the rear floorboard of the GTO.
|
|
Your
kids went hungry last night because you just had to have the Yosemite
Sam mudflaps.
|
|
Your
watchband is wider than any book that you ever read.
|
|
Your
wife has earrings that double as fishing lures.
|
|
Your
e-mail address ends in over.yonder.com.
|
|
Your
satellite dish has more square feet than your house.
|
|
Your
front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
|
|
You
have a crack in the windshield that is longer than your arm and has
been there for more than a year.
|
|
You
view duct tape as a long-term investment.
|
|
You
have ever fished, using a crank-up telephone.
|
|
You
have ever fished, using explosives.
|
|
You
actually know which leaves make a good substitute for toilet paper.
|
|
The
UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
|
|
You've
been on TV more than three times explaining how the tornado sounded.
|
|
the
Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
|
|
you've
been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
|
|
you
wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
|
|
you
think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
|
|
you
have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
|
|
you
can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
|
|
your
toilet paper has page numbers on it.
|
|
you
think your license plate is personalized because your father made
it for you
|
|
your
family tree does not branch.
|
| |
|
.you were
acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis
45s.
.you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
.your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
.you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your
nose.
.you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
.that billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to
pull up your jeans.
.your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
.you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
.you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
.your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
.you've got more than three cousins named "Bubba".
.you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
.taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
.you've got more than one other named "Darryl".
.you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
.on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
.you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
.your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
.your child's first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
.your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
.your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
.you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
start your engines."
.you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
.you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
.you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or
beer company.
.you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
.you've ever valet parked a snow plow.
.you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
.you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
.you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
.you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
.there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
.you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
.the strongest smell in your house is butane.
.you think paprika is a Third World country.
.you ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
.you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
.you have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student"
at the local junior high.
.you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
.you played the banjo in your high school band.
.the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on
the side of the highway.
Back
to the Top
Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them day-vorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on
Sundays."
The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30."
The attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer said, "no , she's a little white gal, but our last child
was a nagger, and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
Back to the Top
Redneck
Obituary
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the
local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary
is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy
Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there
is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds =
says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up
for sale'.
Back to the Top
Hillbilly
Birth...
Deep in the
backwoods, the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there
was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby
boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another
one coming."
Sure enough,
within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in
a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another
one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly
scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you
think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Back to the Top
Guest
Application for the Jerry Springer Show
Personal Information:
Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle___________
Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________
Spouse's Name_________________
Relationship to spouse:
___Sister ____Brother ____Mother ____Father ___Pet ___Aunt ___Uncle
Occupation:
___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer ___Skinhead
Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___
Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4
How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road:
___1mi. __5 mi. ___?
Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___
Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___
Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice
___Rebel Flag ___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker
Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun
Number of Dogs Owned: ___ Number of Homemade Tattoos: ___
Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:
___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer
How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___
Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin
___Possum Huntin ___Crawdad Huntin ___Spittin Backy
___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin
If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera Digest ___True Confessions
___Rifle and Shotgun ___TV Guide ___National Enquirer
Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse
Can You Spell Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope
Can You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope
Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope
Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope
Which is Correct?: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"
How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___
Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy ___Prostitute
Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis ___Elvis in a UFO
Health Questionnaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose ___Boils
Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup ___Nope
Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A
I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on
______________19__
Back
to the Top
The
Proctology Student
A Proctology
student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice
in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying
face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found
a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this was fairly unusual,
he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing. "On
the road again... Just can't wait to get back on the road again..."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music
stopped.
Totally freaked
out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look
at this. This is really something" the student told the Examiner
as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just
can't wait
to get back on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical
Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked
the student.
"Are
you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country
music."
Back to the Top
Two
Guys Fishing
Two guys
were drinking beer and fishing in a rowboat, when all of a sudden a voice
came out of nowhere and said that they could have one wish.
Hearing that,
the first guy said really quickly, "I wish this whole lake would
turn into beer." With that, his wish came true! His companion sighed
and said, "Now you've done it! Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
Back to the Top
Three
Third Graders Compare Penis Size
Three third
graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground
at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets
see who has the largest penis," he says.
"Okay"
They all agree.
The Jewish
kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
That's nothing,"
says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Now not to
be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest,
dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Jewish
and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!"
they exclaim.
That night,
eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did
at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends
and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind
of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney
and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other
kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies:
"No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three"
Back to the Top
You
Know You're a Cajun When
|
Watching
"wild kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook. |
|
You
think the head of the United Nations is Boudreaux-Boudreaux &
Guillory. |
|
You
think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids. |
|
You
think Boudin, hogshead cheese and Bud is a bland diet. |
|
You
think Groundhog Day and Boucherie Day are the same holiday. |
|
You
take a bite of 5-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco. |
|
Fred's
Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry. |
|
You
have an "envie" instead of a craving for something. |
|
You
use a no. 3 washtub to cover your lawn mower or outboard in your yard. |
|
You
use a gill net to play tennis, badminton, or volleyball. |
|
You
use two or more pirogues to cover your newly planted tomatoes to protect
them from a late frost |
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The
horsepower of your outboard motor is greater than the motor in your
car. |
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You
pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in Breaux Bridge. |
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Your
favorite TV talk show is Okra Winfrey. |
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Your
children's favorite bedtime story begins "first you make a roux..." |
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Your
school teaches the four basic food groups as broiled seafood, boiled
seafood, fried seafood, and beer. |
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You're
asked to name the "fab four" and answer, "Paul Prudhomme,
John Folse, Justin Wilson, and Vernon Roger. |
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Your
description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat
fried." |
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You
think the Mason-Dixon line is at Bunkie. |
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You
let your black coffee cool and it gels. |
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You
describe a yard of Bboudin, and cracklings as "breakfast." |
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Your
mama announces each morning, "Well I've got the rice cookin'...what
will we have for dinner?" |
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None
of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi
river bridge. |
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You
refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather." |
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You
get a disapproving look from your wife, and describe it as "she
passed me a pair of eyes." |
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You
think of gravy as a beverage. |
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You
greet your long, lost friend at the Lafayette airport with "aaaaeeeeeeeee" |
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You
sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "don't eat
the dead ones," and you know what he means. |
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You
learned 'bourre' the hard way... holding yourself upright in your
crib. |
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You
don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames. |
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You
gave up Tabasco for lent. |
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You
know the difference between zatarans, zeringue, and zydeco. |
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Your
dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel. |
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You
can look at a rice field and tell how much gravy it will take to cover
the rice. |
Back
to the Top
A
guy walks into a bar in Arkansas
A guy walks
into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around
the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender
looks up and says,
"You
ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says,
"I'm from Iowa."
The bartender
asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds,
"I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender
asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says
nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender
grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's
okay boys, he's one of us!"
Back to the Top
Snow
Emergency Parking
A couple
was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening
to a weather report coming from WAHR on the radio. "There will be
3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All
vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today
to facilitate snowplowing," the radio voice declared.
"Oh,
gosh, OK," said Bubba, getting up, bundling up and heading outside
to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
Two days
later, Bubba and wife were at morning coffee when the radio voice said:
"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has
been declared. You must park your vehicles on the
even-numbered
side of the streets." Bubba got up from his coffee as before. He
bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of
the street. A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio
voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a
snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..."
Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Bubba asked
in the dark. "What should I do?"
"Aw,
to heck with them, Bubba," the wife said. "Don't worry about
it today. Just leave the car in the garage."
Back to the Top
The
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist
from New York took his act on the road to Mississippi. After about twenty
minutes of performing joke after joke about rednecks, a good ol' boy in
the audience stood up and said, "I'm damn tired of you yankees makin'
fun of us southern folks and always tryin' to make us look stupid. If
you don't stop it right now I'm going to come up there and shut you up!"
The ventriloquist
said, "Take it easy buddy, they're just jokes."
The redneck
replied, "You stay out of this... I'm talkin' to that little loudmouth
on your lap!"
Back to the Top
Southern
Hospitality
Jim and Bubba,
two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get
drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go
for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her
best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.
Bubba comes
back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen
floor.
Bubba yells,
"What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies,
"You told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality."
Bubba then
says, "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Jim's balls are on the
cold floor!"
Back to the Top
Can't
Fool the Flies
On
a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure down
a country two lane road in rural Alabama. The local sheriff (Bubba) pulls
him over and starts to write him a citation. As the sheriff is standing
next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies accompanying the manure
wagon start to buzz him. He swats at the flies and cusses them "damn
flies." The country boy speaks up and says "Them's circle flies...we
calls 'em that cause back home on the farm they's always circling the
horses ass."
"Boy,
are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba.
The
country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies."
Back to the Top
Mississippi
Jokes
Two Mississippians
are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one
is carrying a sack.
When they
meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus'
some chickens."
"If
I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot,
ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK.
Ummmmm . . . five?"
A Mississippian
came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned
the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry
over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK,"
replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks,
don't ya'll still have those big red trucks?"
Back to the Top
Redneck
Lesson in Logic
Two rednecks
decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should
go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who
told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's
logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor
answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure
do."
"Then
I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's
real good!" said the redneck.
The professor
continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you
also own a house."
Impressed,
the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And
since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's
Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally,
since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"
said the professor.
"You're
absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating' thing I ever heard!
I can't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck,
proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway
where his friend was still waiting.
"So
what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math,
history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What
in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let
me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first
redneck.
"No,"
his friend replied.
"You're
queer, ain't ya?"
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