Redneck / Macho Humor II

Don't miss the original Redneck / Macho Humor Page!

If you like these, check out our Texas Humor page
and our NEW Cowboy Humor page

Redneck Classic:
The best of Jeff Foxworthy
Gunracks and Sixpacks:
The Life and Times of the Genuine, Original All-American Redneck
The Official Redneck Handbook Red Ain't Dead:
150 More Ways to Tell If You're a Redneck
Redneck Classic:
The best of Jeff Foxworthy

Your Dog's In Heat...
I Can't Print That!
Bubba Calls 9-1-1 
Where Does You Go to School? 
Zeke Takes Up Hang-Gliding 
Identifying Bubba's Burned Corpse  
Billy Bob Is Buying Drinks for Everyone  
Redneck Sex-Education Test 
I Called Him Precious
A Taxidermist in a Redneck Bar
Rednecks at a Comedy Club
A Letter From Mom
You Want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?
How to tell if you're secretly a Redneck Jedi
Southern Terrorist Advisory Alert
Jethro Asks About Sex
Homer and Sally Mae Get Hitched
New Southern Survivor Show
What's Your "Southern" Sign?
Mississippi Jokes
Ways to Say I Love You 
Billy Bob and Patty Sue at Lovers Peak  
So What's There to Do in Kankakee?  
Billy Bob Is Changing His Vacation Plans  
Put a Potato in Your Swimsuit  
When Am I Going to Get...  
Billy Bob's First Trip to a Whore House  
A Redneck at a Health Clinic
Tennessee Professional Engineering Exam
A Speeder Hits and Kills His Dog
The Mirror
Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy
Two Alabama Boys in Texas
You Know You're a Redneck When - 2003
Bubba's Got a Brand New Truck
Dog or Dawg
Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say
Yours is a Redneck Church If...

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate
those who do. And for the people who like country music,
denigrate means 'put down.'" -Bob Newhart

Mississippi Jokes

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.

When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,

"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't ya'll still have those big red trucks?"
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Your Dog's In Heat...

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One beer led to another, and soon a cop came in and said, "Is that your dog outside?"

"Sure is", said the redneck.

"Well, I want you to know she's in heat", said the cop.

"No she ain't. I tied her in the shade".

"No, no! I mean she needs to be bred."

"That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread?"

The exasperated cop said, "I mean she needs to be fucked!"

"Oh. Well go ahead and fuck her. I always wanted a police dog."
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I Can't Print That!

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
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Ways to Say I Love You

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, West Virginia and Kentucky. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Tits
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Bubba Calls 9-1-1

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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Where Does You Go to School?

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
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Bubba McCoy's Etiquette Tips For Rednecks

1. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a  woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
4. When dating a woman of the opposite sex, be aggressive. Let her know you're interested.  Tell her, "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
5. If you're every lucky enough to marry your cousin, the groom should at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
6. Do not allow the dog to eat from the matter how good his manners are.
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Zeke Takes Up Hang-Gliding

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!

 Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

" Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops."

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
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Billy Bob and Patty Sue at Lovers Peak

This hillbilly took his gal up to lovers peak one Saturday night.  They sat down on a log and gazed at the stars.

After a while, Billy Bob turns to Patty Sue and says, "Ain't the stars purty tonight?"

"Shore is, Billy Bob," she says.

Billy Bob then thought a moment and said, "Patty Sue, ain't the moon purty tonight?"

"Shore is, Billy Bob," she says again.

A few moments pass and Patty Sue leans over and says, "Billy Bob, whisper something soft an' mooshy in my ear."

Billy Bob thinks for a minute, leans over, and whispers in Patty Sue's ear, "Sheeeit!"
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So What's There to Do in Kankakee?

There was this city slicker from Chicago who was visiting a cousin in Kankakee, Illinois.
He asked his cousin, "What the hell do you people DO around here?"

The cousin answered, "Hunt 'n fuck."
"WHAT??!!  What do you hunt?"
The redneck cousin replied, "Sumpthin to fuck."

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Rufus is Having a Hard Time Gettin' Some

Rufus and Willieanna were drivin down the road one day and suddenly Rufus slams on the brakes, throws Willieanna in the back seat and starts to jump on top of her.

Willieanna says, "Rufus! Rufus! What you gonna do?"

Rufus replies, "I'm gonna fuck yo pussy."

Willieanna said, "No! No! Rufus.  You cain't--I gots my period."

Rufus says, "Shi-it", and drives on down the road.

A few minutes later, he slams on the brakes again and throws her in the back seat once more, only this time on her stomach.

"Rufus! What you gonna do now?" asked Willieanna.

"I gonna fuck you in the asshole," replied Rufus.

"No! No! Rufus.  You cain't--I gots the hemorrhoids" says Willieanna.

Rufus says, "Shi-it," and drives on down the road some more.

Finally, he slams on the brakes once again, gets out of the car, opens the trunk and takes out a tire iron.

"Rufus! Rufus! What you gonna do now?" asked Willieanna.

"I gonna beat yo fuckin head in if you tells me you gots locks jaw!"
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Billy Bob Is Changing His Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
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Identifying Bubba's Burned Corpse

Bubba died in a fire and was burned beyond recognition. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Daryl & Goober, were called upon to help identify the body.

Daryl went inside, the mortician pulled back the sheet and Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.  Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Goober in to identify the body. Goober took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."  The mortician rolled him and Goober looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Goober said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!

Billy Bob Is Buying Drinks for Everyone

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"  The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"  Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
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Put a Potato in Your Swimsuit

Two wannabe studs from Oklahoma, Bubba and Jethro, go to Cape Cod. Once they arrive, they immediately hit the beach scene to see if they can try their luck attracting some of the local babes.

The two get into their spandex bathing suits and begin to troll the beach, strutting their stuff.  Bubba is an immediate hit with the women, practically fighting them off, while Jethro tags along behind, wondering why no one is noticing him.

That night, back at the Beachcomber Hotel, Jethro asks Bubba, "Hey, I don't get it, we both have the same bathing suits, yet you are like a chick magnet and no one is even giving me a second glance."

Bubba replies "Ok, here's my secret. Go out to the produce stand and get the biggest baking potato you can find and slip down your bathing suit tomorrow before we hit the beach and you'll have them begging at your feet.

At this, Jethro goes to the store, eyeing the potatoes like his life depended on it. He finds just the right size.

With great anticipation, the two hit the beach the next day. Once again, Bubba is attracting the women like flies, but they are all pointing and laughing at poor Jethro.

That night at the hotel, Jethro is at his wits end and ready to give up. He turns to Bubba and says, "Bubba, I guess I just don't have what it takes.  These women around here just laugh at me and point, like I was some kind of freak."

Bubba turns to him and says, "Well Jethro, when we go to the beach tomorrow, try putting the damned potato down the front of your bathing suit this time."
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When Am I Going to Get...

A little girl from Alabama was watching her mother get dressed for work one day. The mother took off her shirt and the little girl saw her breasts and said, "Mommy, what are those?"

The mother replied, "They are titties."

The little girl then asked, "When will I get those?" The mother said, "When you are about 14."

The mother then took off her pants and the girl saw her pubic hair and asked, "Mommy, what's that?" The mother answered, "These are pubic hairs."  The girl asked again, "How old will I be when I get those?"  The mother told her about 13.

So the girl walks off and goes to her step-dad. He is getting dressed for work and he pulls off his pants and the little girl sees his penis and she asks, "BillyJoe-JimBob what's that?"

He said, "Well that's a dick."  She then asked, "How old will I be when I get one of those?"

He told her, "In about 5 minutes when your mother leaves!"

Redneck Sex-Education Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False

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Billy Bob's First Trip to a Whore House

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
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I Called Him Precious

A southern belle recently returned from a visit to California and was discussing her encounters with a girlfriend.

"Did you know in California they have men that kiss men?" she told her friend.

"Do tell! And what do they call them?" her friend asked.

"They call them gay," she replied.  "And did you know they have women that kiss women?"

"Oh, no!" exclaimed her friend.  "What on earth do they call them?"

The southern belle answered, "They call them lesbians!  Not only that, but they also have men that kiss women's pussies!"

"My Lord," her friend replied!  "What do they call them?"

"Well," the belle cooed, "when I catched my breath, I called him precious!"
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A Redneck at a Health Clinic

The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are not to have no relations whatsoever!"

Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"
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A Taxidermist in a Redneck Bar

A taxidermist is on vacation down south. He is feeling a little thirsty and decides to have a few drinks at the nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern, the conversation stops and all eyes turn to him.

Feeling a little uneasy, he makes his way to the bar to order a beer. The bartender serves him and says, "Ya'll ain't from 'round these parts, is ya?"

Guy: "No...I am from Connecticut."

Bartender: "What is it you do up there in Connecticut?"
Guy: "Well, I am a taxidermist."

Bartender: "A taxidermist...Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxidermist?"
Al: "No, never heard of it."

Bartender: "So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?"
Guy: "Well, I mount dead animals."

Bartender: "It's OK boys--he's one of us!"
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Tennessee Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?
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Rednecks at a Comedy Club

Some drinking buddies decided to check out a new comedy club one weekend, we got there and they were given the table right up front.

About the 2nd or 3rd comedian was of, shall we say, the northern persuasion. He went on and on about things down here in the south, especially how we punctuate every statement with "Fucking A".

Well, one of the more redneck of the buddies decided to goad him a little and started say, "Fucking A" then B, C, D, etc after each punch line.

When he reached about "Fucking J", the comedian turned on him and asked, "What are you doing going through the whole Fucking A-lphabet?"

On of the buddies spoke up and said in his most southern accent, "NO, he is just working his way up to 'Fucking U'!"
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A Speeder Hits and Kills His Dog

Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."
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A Letter From Mom

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Atlanta family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom
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The Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Alabama all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!" "Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
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You Want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?

A man gets sent to prison. As soon as he walks in his cell, his huge, scary-looking cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."

"OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's dick."
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Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy

... Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
... Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
... Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
... The tires on that truck are too big.
... I've got it all on the C: drive.
... Unsweetened tea tastes better.
... Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
... I don't have a favorite college team.
... She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
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How to tell if you're secretly a Redneck Jedi

If you hear, "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle..."
If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Degobah is the dad gum skitters.
Wookie es are offended by your BO.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
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Two Alabama Boys in Texas

Jimbo and Bubba are from Alabama visiting a relative at the Huntsville, Texas prison. Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.

Jimbo says to Bubba, "Hey Bubba, LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Mobile, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talkin' cause if they hear our southern accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Jimbo orders 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. The owner of the shop says, "You're Deliverance Dingbats from Alabama, aren't you?"

"Heck yes," says a surprised Jimbo. "How comes you know dat?"

The owner says, "Because this is a dry cleaners, asshole!"
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Southern Terrorist Advisory Alert

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.

Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas!

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but the Office of Homeland Security is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Office has identified the following children:

* Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
* Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinin Boudit
* Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
* Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
* Betty Jean Hasbenna Badgurl
* Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not suprisingly, the Office of Homeland Security believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddi and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
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You Know You're a Redneck When... 2003 Edition

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has 'Ammo' on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.


1. You can spit without opening your mouth.
2. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
3. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
4. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
5. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
6. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
7. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
8. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
9. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
10. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
11. You've asked the preacher, How's it hangin'?
12. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

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Jethro Asks About Sex

One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."

Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"

Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?" Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
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Homer and Sally Mae Get Hitched

There was a young hillbilly couple who decided to get married. They decided to do it up proper like, so they came down off of the mountain and went to see the justice of the peace.

The justice of the peace called the young man up there and asked "Son, what's your name?" In a thick drawl, the man said "My name is Homer T. Smith". His Honor asked "Well, Homer T., how old are you?" and Homer T. replied "I'm 22 years old." Then the justice of the peace asked him how much he weighed. Homer T. drawled, "I weigh 174 pounds". The justice said "Thank you son, that's all the information that I need from you.

He turned to the young woman and asked, "Miss, what is your name?" She said "My name is Sally Mae Jones." The justice of the peace then asked "And how old are you, Miss Sally Mae". She replied, "I'm 20 years old." Then he asked "And how much do you weigh?" In her thickest drawl, she said "I weigh 310 pounds".

The justice of the peace looked at her in shock and exclaimed, "Good Lord girl, you're big enough to play for the Green Bay Packers!!"

Sally Mae calmly replied, "If I play with anybody's Packer, it'll be Homer T.'s!"
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Bubba's Got a Brand New Truck

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
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Dog or Dawg

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
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New Southern Survivor Show

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, UNC-TV is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor: Carolina Style."

The contestants will start in Charlotte, travel up to Asheville and on to Boone.

From there they will head over to Morganton and over to High Point and Winston-Salem. They will then proceed down to Raleigh and Knightdale.

Then back down through Greenville, Jacksonville, Lumberton up to Fayetteville, Rockingham and back over to Charlotte.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:

"I'm Gay," "I'm a Vegetarian," "NASCAR Sucks," "Go Yankees," "Smoking is for Idiots," "Hillary in 2004," "Deer Hunting is Murder," "Say No to Incest" and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Charlotte alive, wins.

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Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say

Top 34 things you will NEVER EVER hear a redneck say, regardless how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered ...

34. "Ain't no shame in opening the car door for my wife."

33. "Billie Bob, say 'excuse me' when you do that!"

32. "Oh, I just couldn't, heck, she's only sixteen."

31. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."

30. "Duct tape won't fix that."

29. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."

28. "We don't keep firearms in this house."

27. "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"

26. "You can't feed that to the dog."

25. "I thought Graceland was tacky."

24. "No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe."

23. "Wrasslin's fake."

22. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

21. "We're vegetarians."

20. "Do you think my gut is too big?"

19. "Honey, we don't need another dog."

18. "Who's Richard Petty?"

17. "Too many deer heads detract from the decor."

16. "Spittin' is such a nasty habit."

15. "Trim the fat off that steak."

14. "The tires on that truck are too big."

13. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."

12. "I've got it all on the C drive."

10. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."

9. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"

8. "My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's."

7. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."

6. "Checkmate."

5. "She's too young to be wearing a bikini."

4. "Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen."

3. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."

2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."

1. "Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight."
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What's Your "Southern" Sign?

Some of us are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not really healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have a very, very good head.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with todays fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.
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Yours is a Redneck Church If...

1) The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2) People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the 2 fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3) When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4) Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5) A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of".

6) The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7) Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

8) In a congregation of 500 members, there are only 7 last names in the church directory.

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