Bogus Press Releases, Memos and News Clippings

Disclaimer: Do not confuse any statements on this page with "real" press releases or news clippings. They are all the products of various creative minds with perhaps too much free time on their hands - and fictional in nature. Was it really necessary to tell you?


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Re-engineering at The North Pole - Press Release
GM Introduces Instant-Win Airbags - Press Release
Mattel Announces Hacker Barbie
IRS Bulletin - Memo
Manufacturing Information Access Software System - Memo
Brown-nosing Pays Off - Memo
A Catastrophe on Sesame Street - News
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK. - Press Release
From the Trees - Press Release
Montana grizzly bear notice - News
US Bombing Initiative - News
Merger Mania - News
Enemy Tryouts - News
Vonnegut - Bogus Kurt Vonnegut commencement address at MIT
Japanese Banking Crisis - News
Outpatient Breast Augmentation Clinic Opens - Press Release 
Pillsbury Doughboy Eulogy - News 
Hands-free Cell Phone $29.95 Offer 
God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict - News 
Pansy-Ass California Rep. Gives U.S. Future Away - News
Well On Her Way To A Career In Politics - News
Bush Says Keep It In Your Pants To Rump Rangers - News
Wal-Mart Introduces House Wine - News 
No Washington, D.C. Nativity Scene - News 
Headlines: Year 2055 
Chrismukah  
Silicon Pines - an Assisted Computing Facility  
Pillsbury Obituary for Pop N. Fresh 
Demonstrating against Terrorism 
American Attorneys to Japan
Butt-Bomb Discovered on American Airlines Flight
Remaining U.S. CEOs Make a Break for It
2030 Headlines
Taco Bell Chihuahua Dropped
Headlines: Year 2025
Wal Mart Teams Up With E&J Gallo
Southern Terrorist Advisory Alert
Second Coming Ends Prematurely: Jesus Shot Dead In Bethlehem
Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Support
CNN Urges U.S. Not To Invade IRAQ Until Sweeps
Alabama Quarters Recalled
Fellatio Reduces Breast Cancer (Bogus CNN Report)



Re-engineering at The North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
bullet The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
bullet The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
bullet The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
bullet The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
bullet The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
bullet The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
bullet The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
bullet As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
bullet Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
bullet Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
bullet Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags

DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place-- approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
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Hacker Barbie

MATTEL ANNOUNCES the latest in their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's your Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"

"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.
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IRS bulletin

             Internal Revenue Service  

 
 
 To: All Male Employees  
 From: I.R.S Service Center  
 RE: Notice of increase in tax payments  
 
The only thing that the I.R.S.  has not taxed yet is your penis.  
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it
is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole.  On top of  that,
it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts. 

Effective January 1, 1997 your penis will be taxed according to size.  

The categories are as follows:

10 - 12 inches		Luxury Tax		$30.00  
8 - 10			Pole Tax		$25.00  
5 - 8			Privilege Tax		$15.00  
4 - 5			Nuisance Tax		$3.00  
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.  
 
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.   
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!  
 
Sincerely,  
Pecker Checker  
I.R.S 

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Manufacturing Information Access Software System

Memo

To: All Employees
From: Peter Gozinya, Director of Information Services
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS). Our Plant Manager has seen the program and wants me to get MIASS in gear. He definitely doesn't want me sitting on MIASS.

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS.  We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

Our Plant Manager has concerns over corporate getting a hold of MIASS and ruining it. He is particularly wary of  Dick Jenkins, Corporate Director of MIS. I assured him that I certainly would never allow Dick in MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS.  As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS"

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information.  When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".

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Brown-Nosing Pays Off

PROVIDENCE, RI--The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again Monday with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis, an assistant district account manager for the consulting firm of Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn, to the position of regional manager.

MacInnis, 33, a longtime sweet-talker known for his tenacity and perseverance in the boot-licking field, received a 15 percent salary increase as well as a corner office and an upgraded luxury-model company car as part of the promotion, which he calls "the culmination of an intensive campaign of shameless glad-handing and insincere admiration that I have been pursuing in earnest for more than four years."

Said MacInnis, "There were those who said that my lack of original ideas and relentless flattery of superiors would hold me back. But I am living proof that fawning yes-men do succeed in this world."

Known to co-workers for his absurdly transparent insincerity in social relations and his incredibly irritating habit of busybodying around the office without ever doing anything, MacInnis' lack of integrity made him an ideal candidate in the eyes of upper management for the undeserved promotion.

"What Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn needs is team players who toe the company line, don't rock the boat and know how to play ball," said district head Jamison Soderhagen, who chose MacInnis for the promotion. "Howard is exactly the sort of sniveling apple-polisher we were looking for. And whenever we play golf, he lets me win."

Senior partner Harriet Fenn agreed. "As a major corporate player, I don't want to be told that I am wrong--ever," she said. "MacInnis' knee-jerk instantaneous validation of everything I say will no doubt enable him to go far in this business."

When asked if he agreed with Fenn's appraisal, MacInnis unhesitatingly replied, "Yes, I do!"

Though his unflagging sucking up to superiors was the key to his career advancement, MacInnis said that his instinctive knack for taking credit for the work of others also played a major role.

"By positioning myself near those employees whose ideas are consistently successful, and then smiling effusively whenever the boss was around, I was able to foster the illusion that I had actually made meaningful contributions to the company," MacInnis said. "In this manner, I was able to steal a significant amount of the credit for their achievements, reaping the rewards of others' work in order to fulfill my own personal goals."

Said co-worker Amber Kyle, "You know that voice high-school guys use when they're trying to talk their way into a girl's pants? Well, that's how MacInnis sounds all the time."

Though Kyle and other highly qualified employees passed over for the promotion harbor great resentment toward MacInnis and his relentless ass-kissing crusade, MacInnis himself is unconcerned about their negative views.

"The time for me to worry about what all those people think of me is long past," he said. "I'm a regional manager now, and there are newer, more important asses that I need to concentrate my kissing energies toward."

Though MacInnis has little to no demonstrable talent to speak of, his superiors are confident that he will prove adept at finding ways to curry their favor, and to appear useful and busy.

"Somebody's got to send the fruitbaskets," Soderhagen said.
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Sesame Street Catastrophe

NEW YORK (AP) - Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert - long time friend, room-mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.

NEW YORK (AP) - Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.

NEW YORK (AP) - The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.

NEW YORK (AP) - Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.

NEW YORK (AP) - Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, Styrofoam letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored - but tensions are very high.

NEW YORK (AP) - Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.

NEW YORK (AP) - Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet-still animated with life-can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, "Ten, Ten Lifeless Mupput Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
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Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard.

The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
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The Trees

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES
     
       StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KILl oNe CeleBrITY
	   EacH WeEK.
       theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".

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Montana grizzly bear notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear shit. Black bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

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US Bombing Initiative

U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND

The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its break-away province of Northern Ireland. Along with liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without the threat of attack.

"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement. A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:

Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah, let's not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.

Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.

Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.

Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.

Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were bullied.

Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use deodorant and razors.

Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.

Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be recognized as a "real" state.

"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.

When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, "something that practical would never be on a military agenda."

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Merger Mania

Ultimate Oneness

by Jay Jennings

NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share.

"This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."

--

CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever."

The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.

---

BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month.

The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes.

"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule."

An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.

---

WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs.

The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home companion services.

---

PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called humanicorp.

The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.

A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment.

---

ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.

"Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers."

Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company.

Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.

Jay Jennings is a writer in Concord, N.H.
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Enemy Tryouts

STATE DEPARTMENT TO HOLD ENEMY TRYOUTS

WASHINGTON, DC--Taking steps to fill the void that has plagued the American military-industrial complex since the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright announced Tuesday that the U.S. will hold enemy tryouts next week.

Slated to begin Oct. 26, the tryouts will take place at the Pentagon. More than 40 nations are expected to vie for the role of U.S. adversary, including India, Afghanistan, China, North Korea and Sudan. "Over the past seven years, the State Department, working closely with the CIA, Congress and the president, has made efforts to establish a long term state of hostility with a foreign power of consequence," Albright said. "Unfortunately, these efforts have proven unfruitful. If we are to find a new Evil Empire, we must start taking a more proactive approach." Though tryouts are not until next week, Albright said the State Department has already received a number of impressive preliminary proposals.

"We met with the Syrian representative yesterday, and he promised that Syria would house terrorist enemies of the U.S. and stockpile chemical weapons near the Israeli border," Albright said. "We've also gotten an unexpectedly strong proposal from the Kazakhstani delegation, which says they have four of Russia's missing nuclear missiles and will use them against the U.S. unless we release 450 Kazakhstani Muslim extremists currently held in Western prisons. That was certainly a pleasant surprise."

The decision to hold enemy auditions was made during an Oct. 16 meeting at the Pentagon attended by a number of top military-industrial-complex officials, including Albright, Defense Secretary William Cohen, the joint Chiefs of Staff, Senate Armed Services Committee Chair Strom Thurmond (R-SC) and Lockheed Martin CEO Thomas Reuthven.

"Everyone was of the opinion that an enemy was needed -- and fast," said Reuthven, whose company has laid off 14,000 employees since the end of the Cold War. "Nobody wins when there's peace."

General Electric CEO Jack Welch, who was also at the meeting, agreed. "Our profits are down 43 percent from 10 years ago. We sold more tritium hydrogen-bomb ICBM/MIRV triggers in 1988 than in the last six years combined," he said. "Something had to be done."

Once the tryouts conclude, Albright said, the State Department will spend a week evaluating the proposals before announcing its choice on Nov. 9. The new U.S. enemy will be formally anointed in a special treaty-breaking ceremony, in which President Clinton and the leader of the rival nation will sever diplomatic ties with the ceremonial burning of 1,000 doves.

Since the end of the Cold War, potential new U.S. enemies have emerged several times, but in each instance, hopes were inevitably dashed by peace. Most promising among the candidates was Iraq, which briefly went to war against the U.S., but a truce was declared before a deep and lasting enmity could take root.

Tuesday's announcement was hailed by leaders of numerous U.S. institutions, including the motion-picture industry, whose action films have suffered from the absence of a global antagonist.

"Hopefully, there will be an enemy soon," Paramount Pictures vice-president of development Mort Glazer said. "During the past few years, in the absence of a Soviet Union or a Nazi Germany, Hollywood has been forced to pit American heroes against uncompelling enemies like the IRA. A $250 million-grossing film like Rambo or Top Gun is simply not possible in today's climate of global d'etente."

The lack of a clearly identifiable foreign nemesis has taken a toll on the American populace, as well: In the years since the fall of the Soviet Union, Americans have been forced to find other outlets for their deepest insecurities and fears. "Without an outward threat like the USSR, Americans have had to channel their anxieties about life into a wide range of other, less concrete things, including space aliens, drinking water, sexuality and our own government," psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "If a new national enemy is not found soon, the trend will only worsen."

Speaking to reporters, McDonnell Douglas CEO Richard Klingbell said the State Department should have foreseen the possibility of peace and taken steps to avoid it years ago.

"For decades, we took Soviet aggression and the arms race for granted," Klingbell said. "We failed to realize that one day it might all come to an end. We failed to sow the seeds of future foreign discord, for our children's sake. Thankfully, though, we're finally setting things straight. We're finally remembering that to make it in this world, you've got to have enemies."
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Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall

in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.
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Japanese Banking Crisis

TOKYO, JAPAN - According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
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Outpatient Breast Augmentation Clinic Opens

A California cosmetic surgeon is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
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Pillsbury Doughboy Eulogy

Please join me in remembering a great icon the veteran Pillsbury spokesman.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased and floured coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
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Hands-free Cell Phone $29.95 Offer

Hello friends,
I have recently developed a new hands free cellular phone that is taking the market by storm. Because all of you are my friends I am going to allow you to obtain one of these babies for yourself at the rock bottom price of $29.95 each. This wonderful accessory will work with all brands of cellular phones on the market today. The reason this is such a huge breakthrough is the pending legislation in Congress that would ban cellular phone usage in automobiles unless they were hands free. Let me know, as soon as possible, if you want to obtain one (or more) of these accessories before we are completely sold out. It may be a couple of months before our next shipment arrives from the factory. I have attached a photo showing you how elegant and sleek this device is. I look forward to hearing from you real soon.

Best regards, Fred
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God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict
Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit." "I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean." God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot." "Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In  an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils. Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

Oh, and one last thing:

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader.
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Pansy-Ass California Rep. Gives U.S. Future Away
- to Illegal Immigrants

RIVERSIDE, Fairyland - While tens of thousands of American citizens who can't afford to go to college are ending up turning into muggers, dog thieves and insurance salesmen, some bleeding heart Democrat by the name of Howard Berman from California wants to give a free college education AND free citizenship to any illegal immigrants who can spell their names. Under this plan American tax-payers (i.e. you) will be paying for Mexicans, Cubans, Canadians and anybody else who can run, jump or swim to go to college for free. The idea is that as long as they are here there is no reason for them to end up as the lowest segment of society. It's much better for legitimate Americans to hold that position.
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Well On Her Way To A Career In Politics

AUSTIN, Texas - The first little hottie is at it again. If there's one thing anybody can say about Texicans it's that they know how to have fun. Whether it's torturing cattle, taking pot shots across the border into Mexico or drinking themselves blind you can always look to the Lone Star state. In this particular it's Jenna Bush, the 19-year-old daughter of President Lush, er...Bush. Last week she was fingered in an Austin watering hole trying to buy Margaritas. The best part about this story is that Jenna, the daughter of the leader of the free world, whose picture has appeared in numerous magazines, newspapers, on the internet and on national television, tried to use someone else's identification to buy the booze. This is already the second such offense for the aspiring Betty Ford.


Bush Says Keep It In Your Pants To Rump Rangers

WASHINGTON - In probably the first smart move he's made since taking the office, President Bush is opting out of Gay Pride Month. White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Bush will not, as President "Hump-a-Lot" Clinton did, issue a proclamation for all of the nation's ass pirates to wave it around on the streets and feel good about themselves this month. "The president believes every person should be treated with dignity and respect but he does not believe in politicizing people's sexual orientation," McClellan said Friday. Plus, it's kind of hard to feel dignified with someone's dick in your ass.

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Wal-Mart introduces House Wine

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, CA. to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI, "There
is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said. "The right name is important"

Suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

Peanut Noir

Big Red Gulp

Stagger Home

Box O' Grapes

NASCARbernet

Nasti Spumante

White Trashfindel

Chef Boyardeaux

Chateau des Moines

Grape Expectations

Chateau Traileur Doublewide

Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes

I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

World Championship Wriesling

Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
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No Washington, D.C. Nativity Scene

The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason.  They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. 

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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Headlines: Year 2055

1. Florida is finally readmitted to the union.
2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.
3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President.
4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
5. Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
6. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.
10. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA.
13. White minority demands civil rights and reparations.
14. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.
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Chrismukah

To: All Holiday Participants
Re: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
 
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,  it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.  An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.  By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
 
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. 
 
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.  A  breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.  All sides appeared happy about this.
 
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by  leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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Silicon Pines - an Assisted Computing Facility

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.

We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself: 

"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?"

"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?"

"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees. 

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?

First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill Gates you know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.'

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including  telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?

No.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.
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Pillsbury Obituary for Pop N. Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a role model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife; they have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 degrees for twenty minutes.
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Demonstrating against Terrorism

The leaders of the free world are asking for your support to combat terrorism and to demonstrate against the Taliban this Friday at 15:00 hours (3:00 PM).

It is a well-known fact that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman.

Therefore this Friday at 15:00 (3:00 PM), all women should run naked through the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands.  This is the best way to show our disgust for the Taliban and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists among us (anybody who doesn't do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist and denounced to the world).

Your efforts are much appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.
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American Attorneys to Japan

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

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Butt-Bomb Discovered on American Airlines Flight

KANSAS CITY, MO -- An American Airlines flight en route from Los Angeles to JFK airport in New York City was diverted to Kansas City yesterday when a passenger was noticed attempting to light a fuse protruding from his rectum. Flight Attendant Bunny Haggarty said she noticed the man seated in an aisle seat leaning forward and holding a cigarette lighter behind his legs.

"I though he was just trying to light a fart," said Haggarty, "like our pilots are always doing on layovers. Then I saw this string-like thing hanging from his ass, and I got scared." Haggarty immediately called for assistance. Several male passengers subdued the man before he was able to light the fuse. After landing in Kansas City, authorities found the man's intestines were stuffed with military grade C4 explosive. FBI agents stated that it would have been a complete catastrophe if the passenger had succeeded in lighting the fuse. The passenger, Mohammed Bin Ali El Batout Nabeel Sin Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba, Age 25, was carrying fourteen passports from various countries throughout the middle east. Asked why he had stuffed himself full of plastic explosives, Ali Baba stated, "I was planning to blow the chit out of the plane. I wanted to kill all the Americans and Jews to show that we are a peace loving pipple."

Airport security agents in Los Angeles remembered seeing Ali Baba as he boarded American flight 90. They were a bit concerned because his name would not fit on the front of the ticket, he was wearing a checkered tablecloth as a hat, looked like he was ready to kill someone, was reading an Al Quaeda training manual and had on a "Fuck America" tee-shirt.

According to Federal Airport Security standards, however, individuals cannot be profiled for additional security simply because they are young, middle-eastern men. The security supervisor, Leroy Jackson, said he was somewhat concerned with the way Ali Baba walked. "Hell, man, the guy waddled like he had a stick of dynamite up his ass! Had I not been on the phone with my probation officer, I might have checked this guy out some more. But, we want and need complete diversity in our passenger screening," stated Jackson. "Plus, we think the flight crews on those planes pose more of a threat to safety than one raghead with an exploding ass. That's why you can always find one of them pilots in bare feet waiting for his shoes to be x-rayed. I love seeing the look on their faces when we make them do that," he guffawed, adding "I just hope they don't give those guys guns, 'cause they might want to even the score."

Federal officials are now referring to this latest terrorist attempt as a 'butt bomb'. Security experts believe this could be even more difficult to detect than the primitive 'shoe bomb' used by terrorist Richard Reid. "I'm not sure how were going to check for 'butt bombs'," stated Jackson. "We don't have technology to do it, but we've got to check somehow in the interest of safety," adding, "I think we should start with Flight Crews first."
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REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT

Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
(San Antonio, Texas)

Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.

By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn
morning."

"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame." Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas.

"Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Peregrine's Steve Gardner, Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."
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2030 Headlines

Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered by January

Average worker's Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.

White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. No response.

Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5 per word. Please remit.
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Taco Bell Chihuahua Dropped

Hollywood, CA --The Taco Bell Chihuahua has been dropped as a spokesdog by the Taco Bell Corporation due to a serious drug addiction problem.

Publicly, the wildly popular dog had been blamed for the lagging sales of Taco Bell's delicious Mexican food inspired products. Insiders are saying that the Chihuahua simply became too difficult to work with on the set of the hilarious Taco Bell commercials.

"That little son-of-a-bitch would strut onto the set all coked up," said an unnamed production assistant, "and was so shaky he could not recite his lines because of all the cocaine, whiskey and pain killers prescribed by his Mexican vet."

Nosotros, a Latino actors advocacy organization is officially protesting the firing of the Chihuahua. "He was the top Latino TV star," said a Nosotros spokesman, "so now we're down to Cheech and some hot tamale maid on Will & Grace. It's all over."

The Taco Bell Chihuahua is reportedly despondent after losing his endorsement contract and also being let go by his representatives, CAA, the Creative Artists Agency. CAA now has no Latino clients, but does employ Pepe the Pastry Cart Pusher. The dog is now at the Betty Ford Animal Clinic in Malibu, where he made his only public statement: "Yo quiero cocaina."
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Headlines: Year 2025

  • Florida is finally readmitted to the union.
  • Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President.
  • 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
  • Texas executes last remaining citizen.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
  • Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA.
  • New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2026.

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Wal Mart Teams Up With E&J Gallo

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, CA. to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI, "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said. "The right name is important"

Suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

Peanut Noir

Big Red Gulp

Stagger Home

Box O' Grapes

NASCARbernet

Nasti Spumante

White Trashfindel

Chef Boyardeaux

Chateau des Moines

Grape Expectations

Chateau Traileur Doublewide

Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes

I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

World Championship Wriesling

Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
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Southern Terrorist Advisory Alert

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.

Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas!

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but the Office of Homeland Security is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Office has identified the following children:

* Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
* Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinin Boudit
* Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
* Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
* Betty Jean Hasbenna Badgurl
* Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not suprisingly, the Office of Homeland Security believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddi and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
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Second Coming Ends Prematurely: Jesus Shot Dead In Bethlehem

BETHLEHEM, Monday:

The second coming has ended prematurely after Jesus Christ became the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East. Jesus was killed after he returned to his birthplace of Bethlehem during an onslaught by the Israeli army. It is believed he was preparing to hand out retribution to sinners and end the world.

Eyewitnesses claim that Jesus was killed by Israeli tank fire while seeking shelter in a local Church.

An Israeli spokesperson described the killing as "easier than the first time".

Jesus' father, God, and close relative, the Holy Spirit, have both expressed grief at the death. "I told him that Bethlehem was too dangerous nowadays," said God. "But do you think he would listen to his father? I'm never wrong about things like this, or anything in fact."

Leaders of Christian nations all over the world have called for an end to the fighting as a result of the death. "I don't mind a few hundred Palestinians dying, but killing a Christian, let alone Christianity's founder, is taking it too far," said U.S. President George W. Bush.

There are reports that Jesus may have risen from the dead three days after being shot. Unfortunately he was killed again by a suicide bomber while enjoying a coffee at an outdoor cafe in Jerusalem.
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Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Support

Trenton, NJ -- Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.

The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.

A follow-up to Megan's Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called "Egan's Law" is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority. Like Megan's Law, Egan's Law is expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, it's on the books none too soon.

"Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us!" said Ruth Harper of Redbrook, NJ. "My sons used to walk by that church every day on their way to school. Even now I shudder to think of what might have happened."

"I always told my kids to steer clear of that place," added neighbor Scott Carlyle. "But that's because there were a lot of strange people going in and out at odd hours, even at midnight on Saturdays. I was worried it was some kind of druggie hangout.

"To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I know why they had all those stained glass windows--so nobody could look in."

Critics, however, charge that Egan's Law is unconstitutional, specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is intended to safeguard only one segment of the population: young males. But State Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who co-sponsored the bill, used church doctrine itself to prove only one segment needs protection.

"In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a Virgin," she said. "So clearly, they're not interested in girls."

That statement, however, angered Vatican spokesman Edgar Palowski, who said it propagated a common misconception about the church. "This doesn't get reported enough," he said, "but it's a fact that our priests abuse just as many girls as boys."

"Oh...oh dear..." he added.
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CNN URGES U.S. NOT TO INVADE IRAQ UNTIL SWEEPS

Pre-Sweeps Regime Change Would Be 'Disastrous,' TV News Giant Says

In a strongly worded statement to the White House, the Cable News Network warned the Bush administration today that any invasion of Iraq prior to the Mayr sweeps period would be "disastrous" to CNN's ratings.

"We completely agree with the administration's goal of regime change in Iraq," the CNN statement read, "but not until sweeps."

The news giant, which has had its clock cleaned by Fox News Channel, warned that any pre-sweeps invasion of Iraq could further destabilize the cable news rating race.

In particular, according to the CNN statement, a pre-May 'whack-Iraq' strategy could leave Fox News strongman Bill O'Reilly even stronger than before.

"The whole goal of invading Iraq during sweeps is to defeat Bill O'Reilly," the CNN statement read. "We hope the administration will not lose sight of this goal."

The warning from CNN added to a growing chorus within the cable news industry urging the President not to invade Iraq until sweeps, with CNBC and MSNBC having already warned that a pre-May invasion of Iraq could be catastrophic to their advertising revenue.

In other cable news news, Special Operations forces conducting mop-up missions in Afghanistan scoured the area near Tora Bora looking for any remnants of Geraldo Rivera's career.

While they have found no signs of the pistol-packing newsman's career as of yet, they warned that their mission is far from over.

"Remember, we thought Phil Donahue's career had been eliminated, and there are still shreds of that hanging around," said a Special Ops spokesman.
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Alabama Quarters Recalled

WASINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new Alabama quarters if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. The quarters are being issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S.

"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

"The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said.

The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student.

"Apparently," Shackleford said, "the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
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Fellatio Reduces Breast Cancer

(BW) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a recent study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. B.J. Sooner of the Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Group, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers.

The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

- by Brandon Williamson
Direct Link to his page


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