Moses to God: "OK, let me see if I've got this straight. They get all the oil and we get to cut off our WHAT?"
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of
And Jesus replied, "What?"
NEW! Religious Humor II
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked
a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
14.He expelled his first two students for learning.
15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day
our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken."
and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope
declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with
a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the
man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the
Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The
bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went
into his father's business
Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never
Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
name was Jesus
Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked
with his hands
Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
He called everybody brother
Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.
Q: Does God
control everything that happens in my life?
Q: Why does
God allow evil to happen?
Q: Does God
Q: What causes
God to intervene in earthly affairs?
Q: Did God
really create the world in seven days?
Q: How come
the Age of Miracles Ended?
Q: Will there
be another Universe after the Big Bang?
Q: Who is
Q: What is
the role of sinners?
will I go after I die?
Q: Will I
Q: Am I unique
and special in the universe?
Q: What is
the purpose of the universe?
Q: If I pray
to God, will he listen?
Q: What is
the one true religion?
Q: Is God
angry that we crucified him?
Q: How can
I protect myself from evil?
Q: Some people
claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
Some people say God is Love.
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say
anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the child"!
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few
big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies,
"No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. "You can't show Christ on the cross, nailed there with our nails!" He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed that they would fix the ad campaign.
later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw
the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross,
empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next
Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
665.999 Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 Number of the Millibeast / 666 Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) Imaginary number of the Beast 1010011010 Binary of the Beast 1-666 Area code of the Beast 00666 Zip code of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast $665.95 Retail price of the Beast $699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 K-mart price of the Beast $646.66 Next week's K-mart price of the Beast Route 666 Way of the Beast 666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k Retirement plan of the Beast Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast i66686 CPU of the Beast 666i BMW of the Beast 668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast Back to the Top
Little Johnny was having trouble in school, especially in math. His parents hired tutors, talked to the teacher, nothing seemed to help. Finally they decided that the trouble must be in the public school system. They enrolled him in a nearby Catholic school.
At the end of the next grading period Johnny brought home his report card. Mom and Dad were amazed that Johnny got straight "A's", even in math. So they asked Johnny what made the difference.
replied: "When I got there and saw that they nailed some guy to a
plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks.
"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
Fulton J. Sheen was once speaking at a College and in the question and
answer period, he was being harassed by a student. Finally, the student
asked: "Can you tell me for a fact that Jonah lived 3 days in a belly
of whale." "Tell you what", said the Bishop, "when
I get to Heaven, I'll ask him." "What if he's not there?"
retorted the student. "Then you ask him." said the Bishop.
The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "FUCK, I missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it any more.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!" Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".
It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I missed!!!"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.
said, 'Funny you should come to me ...' "
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its
paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live?" He said, "you have 35 years left."
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again.
After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.
When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!"
replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"
One Lenten season, a Jewish man moved into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Jew would drive the Catholics crazy because, while they were eating fish, he would be outside grilling steaks. The Catholics asked him to stop, in fact, they tried to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on the Jew and intones:
The Catholics were ecstatic. No more steak aroma filling the air every Friday evening.
But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again filled the neighborhood. The Catholics rushed over to the Jew's house in order to remind him of his new Catholic 'diet.' When they arrived, they saw him standing over the grill. He was sprinkling holy water on the meat as they heard him say...
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table In the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father Insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit" In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"
Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent The Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old,
almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted
was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First
he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told
him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city
would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'
'And then?' asked a woman. I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his
lunch and I took out mine.'
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better
than pork isn't it?
4 Catholic Women discussing their Sons
Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her
friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone
calls him 'Father.'"
The New Laodicean Songbook
A man is
struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He is lying near death
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest.
Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd - "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells
him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the
assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. "
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders,
the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus
and said, "I hate playing golf with your Dad."
A grandmother took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, -- that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"
A moment later, lo
and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt
child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay.
He was fine. But still she looked up with an annoyed expression
and said, "When we came he had a hat!"
A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.
After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.
Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"
"Snow and rain
are acts of God, too," a man at the back of the room said, "but
most of us wear rubbers."
Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello is this Rabbi Schwartz?"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate $10,000."
A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs.
The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"
"40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes
to sin, the goyyem pay retail!"
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same
as putting it in!"
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
sat down. The song leader stood up tentatively and announced, "For
our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river.'"
The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence.
"Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"
"Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man.
"I hereby resolve to double my efforts."
"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.
"Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man.
"I shall both worship and confess every week."
"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.
just a minute, Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business,
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared
a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and
cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays, such as The Holiday of Charity and The Commemoration of Abraham's Sacrifice. Every religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."
replied, "Well, why don't you celebrate April first?"
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's try this out."
they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
George W. Bush, the candidate for president of the United States, was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally
responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked
him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke
to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
Little Danny O'Brian, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.
"What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.
like this officer," winked Danny. "I am on my way to confession...and
I'm a little short of material."
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go
to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell,
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir.
The choir director became desperate and went to the priest.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the priest went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.
The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.
McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father,
just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"
A man walked into the ladies department and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"Well, there are three types," replied the clerk, "which one would you like?"
"Only three?" asked the man, "What are they?"
The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
"It is quite
simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type
lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...
The voice booms out
again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the Priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars."
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk
wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where
he fell in?"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I Have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a.. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
b.. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c.. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d.. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
e.. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f.. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g.. Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied
these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again
for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service was it, the
9:00 or the 11:00?"
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse
to enter *this* church!" he insists.