Religious Humor II

Moses to God: "OK, let me see if I've got this straight. They get all the oil and we get to cut off our WHAT?"

Heaven and Hell Humor - on a new page! - Nuns Humor! - Priest and Pastor Humor! 
Don't miss the Original Religious Humor Page!

 

Bible Quiz
Atheism Defined in Class
The Atheist and a Bear in the Woods
Playing a Trick on the Preacher
Religion One-Liners
1/22/03
A Drunk in the Confessional 
A Priest and a Rabbi Buy a Car 
The Value of Sermons (true story) 
He's Already in the Army of the Lord 
A Man On Crutches Uses the Holy Water 
A Sermon on the Sin of Lying 
Muldoon Wants a Mass For His Dog 
Timmy's View of the Parting of the Red Sea 
A Farmer Misses Morning Service 
We're Pisscopalians 
Where is Jesus Today? 
Philadelphia Penance vs. San Francisco Penance 
Staff Aptitude Test Results for the Apostles
A Church Deacon at a Nudist Colony
Praying for a Lot of Money
He Won't Put the Money in the Collection Plate
The Kingdom of Heaven is Like
Jesus is Trying to Make a Point
The Offering Hat Returns Empty
Honk if you Love Jesus
Max Gets a Job at at Catholic Church
Bernie, the Priest and the Race Horse
Describing a Squirrel in a Sermon
God Telephones the Pope
Burying a Robin
Penance for Almost Having an Affair
Phones That Connect Directly to God
Jesus Jokes (generally tasteless)
I Stole Some Lumber, Father
The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster
The TRUE story of creation... 
Who Broke Down the Walls of Jericho? 
Two Rabbis at a Mass 
The Secret to an Age-old Ritual Uncovered 
Should We Have Told Him Where the Rocks Were? 
Paramedics Called to a Church 
Three Boys Bragging About Their Fathers 
Kids' Interpretations of the Bible (true) 
An Atheist Jew's Son Comes Home From School  
Moses Solving the Red Sea Problem 
A Little Currency Humor  
What Does WWJD Stand For? 
The Wise Men Name Jesus 
These God Dam Ants 
It's Supposed to be Celebrate!
The End is Near!
A Man On Crutches and Holy Water
Take Only One. God is Watching
A Jewish Boy Goes to Notre Dame
She Wants to be a Prostitute
An Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster
A Christian Dog for a Christian Couple
How many Christians to change a light bulb?
How to Get Into Heaven
Cast the First Stone
Elijah Pours Water on the Altar
The Pope Trying to Include Everyone
Baptizing Cats
Her Husband Always Sleeps in Church
Catholic Solution to Squirrels


Bible Quiz

1.) Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah -- he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.

2.) Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter -- she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a "little" prophet.

3.) What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Ruth-less.

4.) What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Honda -- because the apostles were all in one Accord. (Acts 2:1)

5.) Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson -- he brought the house down.

6.) How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were really put out.

7.) What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
They raised Cain.

8.) What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

9.) Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David -- he rocked Goliath to sleep.

10.) What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.

11.) What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.

12.) Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses -- He broke all 10 commandments at once.

13.) Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan -- the banks were always overflowing.

14.) Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph "served" in Pharaoh's "court."

15.) Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua -- son of Nun.

16.) How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.

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I Stole Some Lumber, Father

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber Father, "replied the penitent.

"How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him.

"Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!"

The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"

With a look of shock, the priest then responded, Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena."

The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber."
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Atheism Defined in Class

A young woman teacher one afternoon explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm Jewish."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."
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The Atheist and a Bear in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him.

He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "OH MY GOD!"

Just then, time stopped. The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying,..... "You deny my existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said,..... " It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said:......."Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."
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The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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The TRUE story of creation...
(author unknown)

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God sighed and said, "I still love you!"
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Playing a Trick on the Preacher

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
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Religion One-Liners

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!"

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

There are three great religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


Q: What do you call the Pope's bowel movements?
A: Holy shit!

Does a Buddhist gerbil believe in the asshole?

Which came first, the priest or the altar boy?

Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 stakes down on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Q: Do you know why Jesus doesn't eat Skittles?
A: They fall through the holes in his hands!

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? 
A: Only takes one nail to hang the painting.

The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat Communion wafer. It is called:
"I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you fucking moron?"

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes.
At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?" I replied, perhaps too quickly "Sin?"

Q: How do you know when it's time to go to bed at a Catholic Summer Camp?
A: When the big hand's on the little hand!




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A Drunk in the Confessional

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either.
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Who Broke Down the Walls of Jericho?

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall."
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Two Rabbis at a Mass

At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the bishop presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The bishop wondered why they had come, but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass, but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ."

The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
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The Secret to an Age-old Ritual Uncovered

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper.
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A Priest and a Rabbi Buy a Car

A priest and a rabbi, who had become good friends over the many years the church and synagogue had existed across the street from one another, both wanted a new car.  Since neither of them had a lot of money, they decided to pool their resources, buy one together, and keep it conveniently parked on the street between their two houses of worship.

After bringing the car back from the dealer, the priest got out and began sprinkling water on the car.  The rabbi asked him what he was doing.

"I rather think of this car as our new baby," said the priest, "so I'm baptizing it."

The rabbi nodded, and waited while the priest was finishing his prayer over the car.  Then the rabbi trotted over to the synagogue and went inside.  He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car, and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
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Should We Have Told Him Where the Rocks Were?

At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing.  A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.

After awhile, the priest said, "Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee."  He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore.  He finished his business, then walked back across the water to the boat.

The minister said, "Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go," so he stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked right on top of the water to the shore.  He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.

The rabbi was awestruck.  Imagine -- WALKING on water!

He thought to himself, "well, if they can do this, so can I!"

He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a rock.

The priest turned to the minister and said, "You think we should have told him where the rocks were?"
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The Value of Sermons (true story)

A Churchgoer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
 
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
 
I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today."

No comments were made on the sermon contents anymore.
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Paramedics Called to a Church

A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"

"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."

"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.
  
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."
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He's Already in the Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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Three Boys Bragging About Their Fathers

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a press release, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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A Man On Crutches Uses the Holy Water

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, sprinkled some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran to the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his back over by the holy water."
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Three Religious Truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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A Sermon on the Sin of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Kids' Interpretations of the Bible

These come from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in).


1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and througho! ! ut history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrewsin the battl! ! e of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to standstill and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesusin the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which say! ! s to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweatalone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Muldoon Wants a Mass For His Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on.  The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my old, faithful dog is finally gone.  Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now.  By the way, do you think $1,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Hold on, there! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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An Atheist Jew's Son Comes Home From School

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.

After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."

The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!"
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Timmy's View of the Parting of the Red Sea

"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"

"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved."

"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said,

"Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"
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A Woman Meets Brigham Young

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 19th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the founder of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously in anger, she says.......

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am!"
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A Farmer Misses Morning Service

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says.

"Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
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Moses Solving the Red Sea Problem

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament.
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A Little Currency Humor

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill in the cash register of a local grocery store. "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship. I just got back to the States recently, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church..."
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What Does WWJD Stand For?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord".
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We're Pisscopalians

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play  with them.  They thought it was because they weren't baptized.

So they went to the nearest church.  Only the custodian was there.  One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us.  Will you baptize us?" 

So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the toilet bowl one at a time.  He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we?" 

"We're not catholic 'cause they pour the water on you.  And we're not Baptist 'cause they dunk you."

The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are -- we're Pisscopalians!"
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The Wise Men Name Jesus

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.  One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
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Where is Jesus Today?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.  He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.   So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!  He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.  The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.  Robert replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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These God Dam Ants

A little boy was sitting on the sidewalk killing ants and saying, "These God dam ants!"

A priest came by and heard him chanting this unusual phrase and asked, "Son, everything has its use in the world.  Also, you should not take the Lord's name in vain."

The kid looked up at the priest and said, "I can name you 3 things that have no use in this world."

The Priest was curious, and asked the boy to identify the three items.

The little boy looked at the priest and said, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these God dam ants!"
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Philadelphia Penance vs. San Francisco Penance

Pat O'Leary left for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site.  When payday rolled around, Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.  The following day Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.  When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing, Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job, Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before.  Off he goes for a night on the town.  He gets drunk as a lord and spends the night  with a prostitute.  Morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.  After hearing Pat's confession, the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father, I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know about drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia!"
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It's Supposed to be Celebrate!

St. Brendan was supervising the monks who were saving civilization by copying the world's manuscripts in their little beehive huts.  He noted, however, that many were being copied from copies rather than the original texts. So, he went and investigated some of these tomes.

Suddenly, there arose a great cry of agony from the saint.

One of the monks ran over and asked what the trouble was.

St. Brendan, shaking with sorrow, replied, "The word is celebrate...it's celebrate!"
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Staff Aptitude Test Results for the Apostles

                          MEMORANDUM

TO:       Jesus, Son of Joseph, Woodcrafters shop, Nazareth
FROM:     Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem
SUBJECT:  Staff Aptitude Test.
DATE:     March 29, 30 A.D.

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.  Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely,
Jordan Management Consultants
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The End is Near!

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
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A Church Deacon at a Nudist Colony

A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed.

He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted.

After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church."

To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!"
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Praying for a Lot of Money

A businessman who needed a hundred thousand dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
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A Man On Crutches and Holy Water

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashed some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest said, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water, Father."
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Take Only One. God is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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He Won't Put the Money in the Collection Plate

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in.

But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.

The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"

And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
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A Jewish Boy Goes to Notre Dame

A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.

The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?"

The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
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The Kingdom of Heaven is Like

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."

The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"

Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."
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She Wants to be a Prostitute

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.

A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."

The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"

The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."

"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise the Lord! I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
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Jesus is Trying to Make a Point

The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her.

Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward to poor victim.

Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"

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The Offering Hat Returns Empty

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty. Slowly the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
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An Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either."
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Honk if you Love Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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A Christian Dog for a Christian Couple

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's find out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.
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Max Gets a Job at at Catholic Church

Max can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work there.

After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
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How many Christians to change a light bulb?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
- Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
- One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
- Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
- Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
- One to change the light bulb, three committees to approve the change, and 11 to decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
- One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
- One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians :
- We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists :
- Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
- One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
- Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish :
- What's a light bulb?
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Bernie, the Priest and the Race Horse

One afternoon Bernie noticed a strange sight. Just before the first race, a Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Bernie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.

Intrigued, Bernie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse.

Bernie quickly put five dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! Well, the Priest kept blessing horses and Bernie paid close attention and kept winning cash!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Bernie saw the Priest with the horse, for that race also!

Quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $35,000, raced back to the track and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving with well over a million bucks. But it was not to be... His horse was last to cross the line and Bernie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.

He found the good Father and asked, "What happened in the last race? That last horse you blessed finished dead last! Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"

The Priest said "Sure, and that's the trouble with you protestants! You can't tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."
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How to Get Into Heaven

Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead, first!"
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Cast the First Stone

Jesus jumped in front of an unfortunate woman that was about to be stoned by the multitudes. Raising his hands, he spoke to the inflamed crowd, "Let thee who is without sin, cast the first stone"!

Suddenly, from off to the side, a huge rock flew and struck the woman killing her instantly. Jesus swung around, glared at the thrower and said, "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off"!
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Describing a Squirrel in a Sermon

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."
The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..."
No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus...but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
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Elijah Pours Water on the Altar

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"
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God Telephones the Pope

One day the Pope got a telephone call from God.

"Pope," says God, "I wanted you to be the first to know that I have good news and bad news."

"Yes Father. Please go ahead," said the Pope humbly.

"Well, the good news is that after lots of thought, I have decided to end all of the strife, conflict , hatred and bloodshed that has come about by permitting so many different religions over these many years. Beginning tomorrow, there will be only one true religion."

"Father, that is truly wonderful news!" cried the Pope. "For so long, I have hoped in my heart that you would see fit to make such a thing happen! What could ever be bad news in the wake of such a glorious revelation?"

"Well" said God, "I'm calling from Salt Lake City."
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The Pope Trying to Include Everyone

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.

The pope said, "Sure."

The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."
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Burying a Robin

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be to the Father...and to the Son...and into the hole he goes."
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Baptizing Cats

A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled, clawed and tore at him, and got away.

With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist."
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Penance for Almost Having an Affair

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."
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Her Husband Always Sleeps in Church

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hatpin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "..and who died on the cross to save us from our sins" The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
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Phones That Connect Directly to God

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked his way east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in the lovely mountains of North Carolina. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."
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Catholic Solution to Squirrels

There were three country churches in a small town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting of the Session to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they should not interfere with God's will.

The Methodist formed a committee to decide the action to take. They were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best solution.. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
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Jesus Jokes (generally tasteless)

Top Ten Jesus Jokes

10. Jesus Christ walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper
3 nails and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

9. Why didn't Jesus get into college?
He got hung up on his boards.

8. Why is Jesus lucky?
He got nailed three times in one night!

7. What's the difference between a porn star and Jesus?
Jesus only came twice!

6. Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chicken!

5. Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through his hands.

4. Why could Jesus walk on Water?
Shit floats.

3. *gestures the biting of palms* What's this?
Jesus biting his nails.

2. *gestures Jesus on a crucifix* What’s this?
A shitty way to spend Easter.

1. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

===============

Second Coming Ends Prematurely: Jesus Shot Dead In Bethlehem

BETHLEHEM, Monday:

The second coming has ended prematurely after Jesus Christ became the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East. Jesus was killed after he returned to his birthplace of Bethlehem during an onslaught by the Israeli army. It is believed he was preparing to hand out retribution to sinners and end the world.

Eyewitnesses claim that Jesus was killed by Israeli tank fire while seeking shelter in a local Church.

An Israeli spokesperson described the killing as "easier than the first time".

Jesus' father, God, and close relative, the Holy Spirit, have both expressed grief at the death. "I told him that Bethlehem was too dangerous nowadays," said God. "But do you think he would listen to his father? I'm never wrong about things like this, or anything in fact."

Leaders of Christian nations all over the world have called for an end to the fighting as a result of the death. "I don't mind a few hundred Palestinians dying, but killing a Christian, let alone Christianity's founder, is taking it too far," said U.S. President George W. Bush.

There are reports that Jesus may have risen from the dead three days after being shot. Unfortunately he was killed again by a suicide bomber while enjoying a coffee at an outdoor cafe in Jerusalem.

Q: Do you know what the letters on the cross INRI stand for?
A: I'm Nailed Right In!

 


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