Moses to God: "OK, let me see if I've got this straight. They get all the oil and we get to cut off our WHAT?" Heaven
and Hell Humor - on a new page! - Nuns
Humor! - Priest and Pastor Humor!
1.) Who was the greatest
financier in the Bible? 2.) Who was the greatest
female financier in the Bible? 3.) What kind of man
was Boaz before he got married? 4.) What kind of motor
vehicles are in the Bible? 5.) Who was the greatest
comedian in the Bible? 6.) How did Adam and
Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? 7.) What is one of
the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? 8.) What excuse did
Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? 9.) Who is the greatest
baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? 10.) What do they
call pastors in Germany? 11.) What is the best
way to get to Paradise? 12.) Which servant
of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? 13.) Which area of
Palestine was especially wealthy? 14.) Where is the
first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? 15.) Which Bible character
had no parents? 16.) How
do we know that they played cards in the ark? A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest. "I stole some lumber Father, "replied the penitent. "How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him. "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!" The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!" With a look of shock, the priest then responded, Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena." The penitent
looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena
is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber." A young woman teacher one afternoon explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm Jewish." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause,
and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist." The Atheist and a Bear in the Woods An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "OH MY GOD!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying,..... "You deny my existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said,..... " It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. As the light
went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear
put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his
head and said:......."Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am
about to receive." The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster An
atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked
by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his
boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. The
TRUE story of creation... In The Beginning,
God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this." And God looked upon
Man and Woman And so the Devil created
McDonald's. And so God created
the healthful yogurt, And God said, "Try
my crispy fresh salad." And God said, "Why
doth thou eatest thus? But the Devil brought
forth chicken fried steak And so God brought
forth running shoes. And the Devil brought
forth cable TV with remote control And so God brought
forth the potato, And the Devil peeled
off the healthful skin And Man clutched his
remote control And Man went into
cardiac arrest. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance. So God showed Woman
how to peel the skin off chicken And the Devil created
light beer And Man gained another
10 pounds. And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out
from the presence of Man And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God sighed
and said, "I still love you!" Playing a Trick on the Preacher Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next
Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself
a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to
continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic... Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!" Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out." There are three great
religious truths: Does a Buddhist gerbil
believe in the asshole? Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 stakes down on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?" Q: Do you know why
Jesus doesn't eat Skittles? The Roman
Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat Communion wafer. It is
called: I was at
a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk
if you love Jesus." Just about
all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married
my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend
classes. Q: How do you know when it's time to go to bed at a Catholic
Summer Camp? A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk
replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either. Who Broke Down the Walls of Jericho? The visiting church
school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down
the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but
it definitely is not him. At a mass at which
some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the bishop
presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting
on the right side of the center aisle. The Secret to an Age-old Ritual Uncovered Every time a new pope
is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be
gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition
that very few people know about. A Priest and a Rabbi Buy a Car A priest and a rabbi,
who had become good friends over the many years the church and synagogue
had existed across the street from one another, both wanted a new car.
Since neither of them had a lot of money, they decided to pool their resources,
buy one together, and keep it conveniently parked on the street between
their two houses of worship. Should We Have Told Him Where the Rocks Were? At an interfaith retreat
some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of
just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together. The Value of Sermons (true story) A Churchgoer wrote
a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no
sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now,"
he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons.
But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think
I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons
at all." A paramedic was asked
on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and
challenging 911 call?" He's Already in the Army of the Lord A friend was in front
of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing
at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed
my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Three Boys Bragging About Their Fathers Three boys are in
the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and he calls it a poem,
they give him $50." A Man On Crutches Uses the Holy Water One morning a man
came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water,
sprinkled some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. Three
Religious Truths: 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not
recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. A minister told his
congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." Kids' Interpretations of the Bible These come from a
Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and
New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written
by children. They have not been retouched or corrected i.e. incorrect
spelling has been left in). Muldoon Wants a Mass For His Dog A farmer named Muldoon
lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on.
The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father,
my old, faithful dog is finally gone. Could you possibly be saying
a mass for the poor creature?" An Atheist Jew's Son Comes Home From School On the Upper West
Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist.
But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational
roots, it's a great school, and completely secular. Timmy's View of the Parting of the Red Sea "Wow, man,"
Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through
on dry ground!" A woman visiting Salt
Lake City in the latter half of the 19th century sees someone that she
thinks may be Brigham Young, the founder of the Mormon church. A
Farmer Misses Morning Service Moses Solving the Red Sea Problem Moses and
his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. A
Little Currency Humor Most people
assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials
really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?". Three little
boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with
them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized. The littlest
one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are -- we're Pisscopalians!" The three
wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of
the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway
as he entered the stable. A Sunday
School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might
be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season
emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?" A little
boy was sitting on the sidewalk killing ants and saying, "These God
dam ants!" Philadelphia Penance vs. San Francisco Penance Pat O'Leary
left for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When
payday rolled around, Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and
spent the night with a prostitute. The following day Pat decided
to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession
he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades
of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. It's Supposed to be Celebrate! St. Brendan
was supervising the monks who were saving civilization by copying the
world's manuscripts in their little beehive huts. He noted, however,
that many were being copied from copies rather than the original texts.
So, he went and investigated some of these tomes. Staff Aptitude Test Results for the Apostles
MEMORANDUM A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around
the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one
clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge
out' instead?" A Church Deacon at a Nudist Colony A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed. He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted. After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which
the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought
you were a canon!" A businessman who needed a hundred thousand dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman
took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed,
the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes
and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..." A Man On Crutches and Holy Water One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashed some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest said, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Flat
on his ass over by the holy water, Father." Take Only One. God is Watching The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further
along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all
you want. God is watching the apples." He Won't Put the Money in the Collection Plate A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy
answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've
ever had!" A Jewish Boy Goes to Notre Dame A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?" The youngster
said, "Of course not, Father!" Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'" Peter said,
"Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!"
the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise the Lord! I thought you said
you wanted to be a protestant." Jesus is Trying to Make a Point The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." From the
back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward
to poor victim. The Offering Hat Returns Empty A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister. Presently
it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty. Slowly the parson inverted
the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes heavenward, he
exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
An Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come
on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago
I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either." The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the
Lord for such wonderful folks! A Christian Dog for a Christian Couple A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so impressed they immediately purchased the dog. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "let's find out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as
a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's forehead, closed
his eyes, and began to pray. Max Gets a Job at at Catholic Church Max can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work there. After a week,
he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few
corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't
use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom,
do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother
Shapiro!" How many Christians to change a light bulb? How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic
: Only 1 Pentecostal
: 10 Presbyterians
: None Roman Catholic
: None Baptists
: At least 15. Episcopalians:
3 Mormons :
5 Unitarians
: Methodists
: Nazarene
: 6 Lutherans:
None Amish : Bernie, the Priest and the Race Horse One afternoon
Bernie noticed a strange sight. Just before the first race, a Priest visited
one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Bernie watched
the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came
in first. Bernie quickly
put five dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! Well, the
Priest kept blessing horses and Bernie paid close attention and kept winning
cash! Quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $35,000, raced back to the track and put it all on that horse! He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving with well over a million bucks. But it was not to be... His horse was last to cross the line and Bernie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest. He found the good Father and asked, "What happened in the last race? That last horse you blessed finished dead last! Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!" The Priest
said "Sure, and that's the trouble with you protestants! You can't
tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites." Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"? Again, the answer was "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?" In the back
of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead,
first!" Jesus jumped in front of an unfortunate woman that was about to be stoned by the multitudes. Raising his hands, he spoke to the inflamed crowd, "Let thee who is without sin, cast the first stone"! Suddenly,
from off to the side, a huge rock flew and struck the woman killing her
instantly. Jesus swung around, glared at the thrower and said, "Mother,
sometimes you really piss me off"! Describing a Squirrel in a Sermon A pastor
was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the
service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief
lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular
Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation.
He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I
want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." "This
thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." Finally one
little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of
relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I KNOW
the answer must be Jesus...but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" Elijah Pours Water on the Altar The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little
girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I
know," she said. "To make the gravy!" One day the Pope got a telephone call from God. "Pope," says God, "I wanted you to be the first to know that I have good news and bad news." "Yes Father. Please go ahead," said the Pope humbly. "Well, the good news is that after lots of thought, I have decided to end all of the strife, conflict , hatred and bloodshed that has come about by permitting so many different religions over these many years. Beginning tomorrow, there will be only one true religion." "Father, that is truly wonderful news!" cried the Pope. "For so long, I have hoped in my heart that you would see fit to make such a thing happen! What could ever be bad news in the wake of such a glorious revelation?" "Well"
said God, "I'm calling from Salt Lake City." The Pope Trying to Include Everyone The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind. A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. The pope said, "Sure." The next
day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini,
et tuti fruiti." While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's
son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory
be to the Father...and to the Son...and into the hole he goes." A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub. The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled, clawed and tore at him, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face. Finally,
after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the
floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist." Penance for Almost Having an Affair A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman." The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?" "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well,
Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting
it in." Her Husband Always Sleeps in Church A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hatpin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "..and who died on the cross to save us from our sins" The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat
back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "...
and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"
the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If
you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off". Phones That Connect Directly to God A man in
Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco and worked his way east from there. Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked
the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches
in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United
States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer
from each pastor. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor,
smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's
a local call." Catholic Solution to Squirrels There were three country churches in a small town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting of the Session to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they should not interfere with God's will. The Methodist formed a committee to decide the action to take. They were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only
the Catholics who were able to come up with the best solution.. They baptized
the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only
see them on Christmas and Easter Jesus Jokes (generally tasteless) Top Ten Jesus
Jokes 10. Jesus
Christ walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper =============== Second Coming Ends Prematurely: Jesus Shot Dead In Bethlehem BETHLEHEM, Monday: The second coming has ended prematurely after Jesus Christ became the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East. Jesus was killed after he returned to his birthplace of Bethlehem during an onslaught by the Israeli army. It is believed he was preparing to hand out retribution to sinners and end the world. Eyewitnesses claim that Jesus was killed by Israeli tank fire while seeking shelter in a local Church. An Israeli spokesperson described the killing as "easier than the first time". Jesus' father, God, and close relative, the Holy Spirit, have both expressed grief at the death. "I told him that Bethlehem was too dangerous nowadays," said God. "But do you think he would listen to his father? I'm never wrong about things like this, or anything in fact." Leaders of Christian nations all over the world have called for an end to the fighting as a result of the death. "I don't mind a few hundred Palestinians dying, but killing a Christian, let alone Christianity's founder, is taking it too far," said U.S. President George W. Bush. There are reports that Jesus may have risen from the dead three days after being shot. Unfortunately he was killed again by a suicide bomber while enjoying a coffee at an outdoor cafe in Jerusalem. Q: Do you
know what the letters on the cross INRI stand for?
Pastor Dies Waiting for God to Save Him
A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe. "Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast." "No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat. "Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute." Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through." After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone. "Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance." Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him. And, predictably, he drowns. A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?" God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
Getting rid of mice in the synagogue
Three rabbis, meeting over lunch, are discussing problems in their respective synagogues: gossip, fundraising, the fees for guest speakers. “Excuse me, gentlemen,” one of the rabbis interjects, “I hope you won’t think this too trivial, but our synagogue has of late had an infestation of mice, which has been very disturbing, especially for our female congregants.” The eyes of the other two rabbis light up, and each admits that his own synagogue has had the same problem. One asks the first rabbi what he has done about it. “I arranged through our shammes to set more than 75 mouse traps throughout the synagogue. But it didn’t work out. The traps would sometimes go off during services, which was most distracting. The net result was that we caught four mice and still have the problem.” “I called in Orkin, the exterminators,” says the second rabbi. “They caught a dozen or so mice and charged us $1,100. But we, too, still have mice in the synagogue. Most unpleasant.” “Gentlemen,” announces the third rabbi, “I don’t mean to brag, but I was able completely to solve the mice problem in our synagogue, and at minimal cost.” The first two rabbis eagerly ask how. “Very simple,” the third rabbi says. “What I did was buy a 25-pound wheel of Chilton cheese, which I set on the bima. Lo, in no time at all, 243 mice appeared. I bar–mitzvahed them all, and, gentlemen, they never returned.” |
