The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces."
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'"
he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly.
"So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both
men and said, "The loser gets to give it."
A man came into a shop with a 'salesman wanted' sign in a window. he went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.
"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, IIII-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.
"O.K. here are three bibles. Go out and sell them." Said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ere’s y-yooour m-m-money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"
said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'h-hel-hello,
m-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this b-b-bible,
oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"
"That was the only one," said the young salesman.
"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.
The boss paused for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he asked, "How did you manage that?"
"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear-gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rust-proofing, and a built-in refrigerator."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy Tampons."
They were for his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so
you may as well go fishing...'"
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."
Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.
"That's an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"
Ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
back? Are you crazy?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman
are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded,"
which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A Flat-chested Woman Buying a Bra
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely
at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
A Window Salesman Trying to Collect
A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the Sales Rep, "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months!"
When our company was selling top-of-the-line business computers, our advertising team proposed sponsorship of a major golf tournament on television. Surprised when approval came through quickly, I asked the head of the ad team how he had persuaded our usually reluctant chairman of the board.
"It sold itself," the ad-man told me. "When the chairman first heard the idea, he asked, 'Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me.'"
he paused and said, 'Oh.'"
Getting a Salesman's Attention
My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teenage grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.
I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time.
To his "may
I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going
to lose my car."
Three Insurance Salesman Bragging
Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies'
Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor,
in Tower One, of the World Trade Center. One of our insured who was washing
a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check
as he passed our floor."
How much is that tie?