Q: What do you call
a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
If an Englishman is
removing wallpaper ...he is redecorating.
A Scottish lad and
lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had
been silent for a while when the lass said, "A penny for ye
In Scotland, the most
important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and
is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before
his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the
material he wanted for his first kilt.
A bright young Scottish
lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So
he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands
for the big city.
Gloria was the typical
penny-pinching Scottish old maid. So conservative most men thought, no
way would she ever land a normal husband. She was the type who would
probably scald him before she agreed to sleep with him. Well, she never
did, but that had nothing to do with her persistent love for shopping
for a bargain.
Sandy the Scotsman was traveling by rail and he had a rather large trunk setting on the seat beside him. As the conductor collected the tickets, he spied the trunk.
"You'll have to pay an extra fare if your baggage is going to take a seat", he told the Scott.
"Nae, I'll not pay", replied Sandy.
The conductor was adamant and demanded that the Scot must pay the extra fare for the seat occupied by the trunk but Sandy was equally as stubborn and refused to part with the cost of another train fare. Finally out of frustration, the conductor picked up the trunk and threw it off the train. As it happened the train was traveling over a river trestle at the time, so as the trunk hit the water, they heard a loud splash.
up from his seat and cried, "First you try to cheat me, then ye drown
A Scot went into a whorehouse and announced he could spend no more than ten dollars. The madam told him that the cheapest rate was twenty dollars. After a monumental argument, the madam coaxed the money out of the tightfisted man and sent him upstairs with a girl.
The girl undressed and pulled the Scot down on her, but to her amazement the man started to fuck her navel. "That's not the right place," the girl barked. "My hole is farther down."
twenty dollars," the Scot replied, "I want a hole of my own!"
A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his girlfriend says, "Sorry Jock, not without a condom." Young Jock searches the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every place is closed.
Walking around, he eventually meets Old Angus, a very good friend of his father. Young Jock explains his problem and is told in return, "Don't worry son, I can help you out."
Young Jock takes off and the night is beyond his wildest expectations. A week later, he meets Old Angus in the street and tells him about his experience.
"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."
glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus.
Young Jock looks at him and replies, "I threw it away. Old Angus,
with a scowl on his face says, "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie--that
condom belonged to the club."
Three Couples on the Golf Course
A Dutch couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. The Dutchman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"
The Dutchman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Nicholas, here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Hoots mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"
reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass,
here's a comb, tidy yourself up a wee bit."