Sex-Related Humor II

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Do I have to point out that some of this material may be considered offensive? -- And that you should leave right now if you're easily offended?

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
    ---Truman Capote

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
     ---Groucho Marx

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?

And if this isn't offensive enough,
how about an animated Gif of Popeye?

 

 

Cleveland Parachute Club
Safe Sex Recommendations
Excuse Me, But That's My Cock You're Holding
Searching for a Unionized Brothel
A Millionaire Seeks a Virginal Wife
A Woman Gets Some 'Help' in the Theater 
Help Choosing the Right Size Condoms 
A Radical Cure for Stuttering 
A Man is Shipwrecked on a Remote Island 
A Chinese Man Arranges for  Hooker  
Three Men Guessing Their Dates' Professions  
Communicating With Minimal English 
Your Wife IS Better  
He Wants a Condom With Pesticide On It  
It's All in the Bible  
Embroidered Lingerie  
Champ, The Muff-Diving Frog  
You Get a Blow Job If You Stop Stuttering  
Only Three Germs Left  
Keeping Score at a Whorehouse  
I'll Be OK Once I Get the Doorknob Out of My Ass  
Referring to My Notes, It Seems...  
Proper Bedroom Etiquette  
And They're Off!  
A Bit of Prose on the Subject of Farting While...  
What Seems to be a Strange Sexual Ritual...  
A Very Talented Pussy
She'd Like a Little Pussy Too
Doing It Doggy Style
Explaining the Facts of Life
You're Doing About Three Knots 
Terms For Female Masturbation 
He Comes Home With Olympic Condoms 
Ugly Romanian Prostitute Raking in the Dough 
A Used Condom Flies Out of a Window  
She's Going to Have to Draw the Line Somewhere  
Keep a Civil Tongue in My Ass! 
Three Couples Attempting to Abstain 
Mine's About Four Inches  
Getting Paid for Going to a Brothel  
Paul Visits a Palm Reader  
It's The Rust in Your Dick  
A Woman Complains of a Smelly Vagina  
The Reason Behind Mad Cow Disease  
A Prostitute Goes to a CPA 
Hey, No Screwing! 
Mooooon River  
Trouser Snake  
Sex-Change Operation Mix-Up  
What Father Christmas is Offering Her  

Cleveland Parachute Club

A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club."

A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club?"

"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, "this is the Cleveland Parachute Club."

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week."
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A Very Talented Pussy

A man is sitting on a train across from a Busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
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Safe Sex Recommendations

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
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She'd Like a Little Pussy Too

A couple had just returned from a date. They were at her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out.

Nibbling her earlobe, he whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy."

She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."
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Excuse Me, But That's My Cock You're Holding

Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other.

At about 2:00 am John was awakened by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand.

"Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I'm going over to visit my wife!" Bob exclaimed.

"Would you like me to come with you?" John asked.

"Why would I want you to come?" Bob asked.

"Because that's my cock your holding in your hand."
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Doing It Doggy Style

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."
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Searching for a Unionized Brothel

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese older woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
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Explaining the Facts of Life

When her six-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.

For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."

"That's right, honey" her mother said.

"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked, "Does Mommy swallow it?"

"If Mommy wants a diamond ring, she does," came the reply.
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A Millionaire Seeks a Virginal Wife

An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to get married, but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so easy to find in this day and age, but he starts scouring the country in search of his virgin. After a few months of looking, the millionaire is out on a date one night, and he thinks he may have finally found his honey.

The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as they're riding in the back of his limousine, the man whips out his cock.

"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the woman. "What in the world is that?"

"You don't know what this is?" asks the millionaire.

"Oh, no!" replies the woman. "I've never seen anything like that in my whole life!"

The man puts his dick away, reaches over, and starts hugging the woman. "I love you!" he cries. "I'm going to marry you! I'm going to make you the richest, happiest woman in the whole world!"

A month later they get married. On their wedding night in the hotel room, the husband sits down on the bed next to his wife. He pulls out his penis and says to her, "Are you sure you've never seen anything like this?"

"Never," says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Well," explains the man, "this is my cock."

"No, it's not!" says the woman, in total disbelief.

"It's not?" asks the puzzled millionaire.

"No," answers his wife. "Cocks are twelve inches and black!"
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You're Doing About Three Knots

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

He asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back"
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A Woman Gets Some 'Help' in the Theater

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was diddling herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
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Terms For Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket
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Help Choosing the Right Size Condoms

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, a beautiful young woman waited me on. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
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He Comes Home With Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping in Sydney and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting back to his hotel, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "what makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
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A Radical Cure for Stuttering

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he doesn't succeed. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

"Wa-wa-wa-what's the c-c-c-cure, d-d-d-doctor?" asks the man.

"We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor.

The man thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.

The operation is a success, and the man stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on.

Not hearing anything on other end of the line, the man repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"

Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-fuck you!"
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Ugly Romanian Prostitute Raking in the Dough

BUCHAREST, Romania - Beauty may only be skin deep, but an ugly Romanian prostitute is benefiting from pranksters with deep pockets. Lisa, who claims to the "ugliest prostitute in Bucharest" is so in demand she will now only take bookings two weeks in advance. Most of her business seems to be with people who want to play a bad joke on their friends. According to Lisa, "They usually get the birthday boy drunk and shove him in the room, where I'm already in bed in the dark. Then they come in and turn the lights on. I don't care how they like it as long as the money is good."
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A Man is Shipwrecked on a Remote Island

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
 
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"
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Everybody's Grabbing Henry's Wife

Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, "Hello Henry," gave Henry's wife's breast a little squeeze and walked away.

A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, "Hello Henry," then, he too, fondled his wife's breasts and walked on.

This strange sequence of events went on for some time. Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, "Listen pal, It's none of my business, but isn't it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What's the story?"

Henry looked at him and moaned, " What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody."
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Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
I think I'll just stay right here for awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
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A Used Condom Flies Out of a Window

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"
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A Chinese Man Arranges for  Hooker

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
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She's Going to Have to Draw the Line Somewhere

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees. 

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."
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Three Men Guessing Their Dates' Professions

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
 
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax.  This won't hurt a bit."
 
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."
 
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."
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Keep a Civil Tongue in My Ass!

A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more commonly known as a trip around the world.

At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a new television drama on which they were working jointly. The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained, "Damn it, man, argue on your own time!"

The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!" And then he turned to the girl. "And you...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
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Communicating With Minimal English

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.
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Sam Gets a 'Dose' From a Prostitute

Sam, from the garment center in New York, went to Miami Beach for a winter vacation. While walking down Collins Avenue, he was approached by a luscious blonde, who whispered into his ear, "I'm selling - are you buying?"

Sam said, "Sure, I'm buying."

So they went to a hotel room and made love all night.

A week or so later, when Sam went back to New York, he came down with syphilis. After weeks and weeks of painful treatment, Sam was released from treatment by his doctor.

As he was walking along Fifth Avenue, the same blonde came over to him and whispered, "I'm selling, mister - are you buying?"

Sam looked her straight in the eye and asked, "So what are you selling now, cancer?"
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Your Wife IS Better

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
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Three Couples Attempting to Abstain

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able  to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.  "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.  "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."


The Priest's Suggestion Fails

A wife has been married for seven years and has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find a ten-gallon bucket, so she bought two five gallon buckets.
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He Wants a Condom With Pesticide On It

A farmer walks into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it."

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE. PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

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Mine's About Four Inches

One day at lunch a several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members. First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Artie said matter of factly "mine's about four inches." There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Art, you're kidding right?"

"Not at all, four inches." He said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."

We all sat in embarrassed silence until Artie continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."
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Getting Paid for Going to a Brothel

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

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It's All in the Bible

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in a hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room. She is indignant.

The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man explains, "It's in the bible."

An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.

"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"

Taking the bible from the nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress puts out."
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Paul Visits a Palm Reader

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."
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Embroidered Lingerie

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?"

"Braille," she replied.
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It's The Rust in Your Dick

After his baby was born, a panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're 100% Japanese."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this: How often do you have sex with your wife?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just the rust in your dick!"
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Champ, The Muff-Diving Frog

A skinny, pale and bespectacled  young man enters a bar mostly frequented by women, orders a beer, and then takes a frog from his  pocket. The  frog is wearing a small red velvet jacket with the word 'CHAMP' emblazoned on the back. The frog proceeds to drink a small puddle of beer which the young man has carefully tipped onto the bar top.

After the second beer a small group of women have gathered to watch the frog, and a foxy redhead finally asks why he's called Champ.

"Because he's the world's greatest muff diver." The young man says proudly. "Nobody does it better than Champ. Nobody!"

"Bullshit," The redhead replies, she's been around a bit and feels she knows best. But, an hour later when no better offer has been made, and a few more drinks have made her pliable, she offers to take up the challenge.

Back at her place she disrobes and arranges herself on the bed. The young man places the frog carefully between her legs, but nothing happens. After two silent minutes he sighs, takes off his glasses, picks up the frog, looks it straight in the eyes and says, "Look, Champ! This is the last time I'm going to show you..."
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A Woman Complains of a Smelly Vagina

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.

He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."

He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.

"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."
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You Get a Blow Job If You Stop Stuttering

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."
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The Reason Behind Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?
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Only Three Germs Left

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.  In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.  This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."
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A Prostitute Goes to a CPA

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."


Keeping Score at a Whorehouse

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! Damn! You beat me by three."


Hey, No Screwing!

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
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I'll Be OK Once I Get the Doorknob Out of My Ass

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I get the doorknob out of my ass."


Mooooon River

A young couple wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops.

"You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse,"

"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."

The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!"

The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, everyone within a mile hear the following:

"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!"
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Referring to My Notes, It Seems...

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"

The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."

He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"

The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room
1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."

The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."
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Trouser Snake

The most DANGEROUS Snake in the WORLD!

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.


WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.


SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.


CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
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Proper Bedroom Etiquette

The nervous young bride became irritated by her new husband's lusty advances and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed between the sheets quietly.

"Is that better?" he asked, with the hint of a smile.

"Yes," she replied, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
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Sex-Change Operation Mix-Up

This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."


And They're Off!

Horses in the race are:

1.   Passionate Lady
2.   Bare Belly
3.   Silk Panties
4.   Conscience
5.   Jockey Shorts
6.   Clean Sheets
7.   Smooth Thighs
8.   Big Johnson
9.   Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

Place your bets.

And they're off...!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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What Father Christmas is Offering Her

Father Christmas is in the Grotto, when after days of young children filing past, he is confronted by a lovely looking eighteen year old girl. She sits herself down on Santa's knee and he asks her what she wants for Christmas.

She says, "Well, Santa, I haven't any pubic hairs on my pussy, and I wondered if you could get me some for Christmas?"

Santa replies, "Well I don't know if I can get you pubic hairs, will white whiskers do?"
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A Bit of Prose on the Subject of Farting While...

by Guy Abandon in reply to the comment "What do you do when you go down on a woman, and she farts in your face?"

It was a warm spring evening, when I embarked on a placid sea of intimacy. The merest zephyr of sweet nothings fanned the calm into the first stirrings of primeval storms of emotion.

Ripples of interest soon gave way to a rising swell of enthusiasm as I explored the twin peaks of Bussoom with their fiery peaks and then headed south for warmer climes.

After much languorous drifting in a depression called Navel, admiring the expanse of the open sea; I found and Explored the forested mound near the equator and sailed the strait of Hormones where the paddles were shipped and a mast was raised. With much deft handling of rudder and inventive navigation, the heaving surface soon rose to majestic rollers of vigour.

Quite unexpectedly, I then experienced The first taring blast of on-coming storm, <Sniff...   ignore it!> and continued in my quest. More circumnavigations of the islands and gulfs was then further interrupted by a second blast <Phaw....   IGNORE IT!>

Finally, as mountainous waves of passion rolled in off the ocean of endeavour and spent themselves crashing in on the shore of ecstasy, the seismic shock of them caused a volcanic eruption which parted my hair and scorched my eye-brows and I lost it completely.  I collapsed exhausted in a fit of high hysterical laughter.


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