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At the Hostpital Donation Center A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: "Unh
unh," she replies, her mouth tightly closed.
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee. Sometime
later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's
son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing,
the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant,
my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here,
kitty, kitty!!
A Nurse, a Schoolteacher or a Stewardess How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A nurse says:
"This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going
to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An
airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose
and breath normally."
A farmer sent his fifteen-year-old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. The lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...?" "Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a fifteen-year-old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, he started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When he got home, his father asked, "How did you make out?" The son said:
"I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a
fucked-up duck."
There was a woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn't stand it any more. "Lady," he said, "that's some beautiful sight. I could eat that pussy full of ice cream." Disgusted, the woman left the store and went home. When her husband got home from work she told him about the incident and asked him to go beat the shit out of the salesman. And when he flatly refused, she insisted on knowing why. "Three reasons," said the husband. "Number one: you shouldn't have been out in a skirt with no underpants. Number two: you have enough shoes to last you ten more years. And number
three: any son of a bitch who can eat that much ice cream I don't want
to mess with in the first place."
A Very Exclusive Nudist Colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies,
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam
says, "The same as the short ones."
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!" "Ha-ha,"
cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!
A young woman
asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh,
the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one
for February, one for...
Ralph's Penis Has Grown Incredibly When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned since this was starting to interfere with his walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well,"
said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
There's a couple going at it for the first time. After a while the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "Open your legs a little wider". She does. Again, he says, "A little wider, Honey." The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. When he once again asks, "Can you open them just a little wider?" She finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?" He says,
"No. I'm trying to get them out."
A Couple in the Middle of the Road A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!" Eventually,
the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too
concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you
were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Yelling About a Hair in his Soup A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, then storms out of there. The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse. She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he stiffed her on the tab and tip. So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his head buried between the prostitute's legs. "LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth full of em!" He slowly
pulls his head out from between the girls legs and says, "Yeah, and
I'll tell you something else. If I find a noodle in here I ain't payin'
for this som' bitch neither!"
Two southern belles are sitting on the veranda, drinking their iced tea. One turns to the other and says, "Honey how was your vacation? Where did you go again?" The other belle says, "Hon, it was wonderful. I went to San Francisco and hon you wouldn't believe what they do there." "Well tell all!" the other exclaims. "Well, hon, they have men that lick other men's privates." "Oh my," said the other belle. "Yes, dear, they call them homosexuals." "Oh my," said the other. "Oh hon that's nothing. They have men there that lick women's privates too." "Oh my! And what do you call them?" asked the other. "Well, they call them hetrosexuals." "Oh my," said the other. "Oh, but hon that's nothing. They have women that lick other women's privates." "Oh my goodness dear, and what do you call them?" said the other belle. "I don't
know what you call them, honey, but I called her precious."
Is There a Name for My Condition? A stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies. "Are you feeling OK?" he asked. "Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?" "Why
yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her
to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't
have ten thousand dollars."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh
yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
A Man Needs to Shorted His Dick A man was unhappy about his dick... it was actually too long, 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to a witch to ask for advice. The witch thought for a long time before she said: Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog. Ask the frog if it wants to marry you. If it says "no" your dick will shrink 10cm, but if it says "yes" it will grow 10cm so the risk is yours. The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it: "Will you marry me little frog?" "No," said the frog. The man ran home and measured his dick. Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so excited about the results that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again, "Will you marry me little frog?" "No," said the frog. The man ran home and measured his dick. Again he found that it had shrunk another 10cm down to 30cm. The man thought, "20cm, that would be the perfect size" and ran back into the forest. He met the frog again and asked him: "Will you marry me little frog?" The frog
answered him: "Jesus, what is wrong with you? I already told you
NO! NO! NO!"
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if grandma looked the same as they did between her legs. Grandpa said,
"No sonny, when she was young it looked like a peach with fuzz on
it and now it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little
Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom,
and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette. "You're
not rescued yet either."
A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen behind on her bills. "All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next installment on that couch?" The lady
shrugged. "I guess that's better than having to give you money."
A young boy
knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him
that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him whether the pig is a male or female. The farmer
says, "Female, of course. What the hell do you think I am, some kind
of queer?"
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room. She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!" The men agree and she gives them a room. That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection." She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmowing business." So the woman finds a lawnmower and off goes his dick. The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry." So she finds a saw and off goes his dick. The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!" He smiles
and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business--you're gonna
hafta suck mine off!"
Climbing the Ladder to Success One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker
answers, "I'm Cess."
It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydrate content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research, they are proud to present, to the LOVE group, the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent: 12 Carbs Without her consent: 2187 Carbs OPENING HER BRA: With both hands: 8 Carbs With one hand: 12 Carbs With your teeth: 485 Carbs PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection: 6 Carbs Without an erection: 4315 Carbs PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs POSITIONS: Missionary: 12 Carbs 69 lying down: 78 Carbs 69 standing up: 812 Carbs Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs Doggy Style: 326 Carbs Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs ORGASMS: Real: 112 Carbs Fake: 1315 Carbs POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years: 36 Carbs 30-39 years: 80 Carbs 40-49 years: 124 Carbs 50-59 years: 1972 Carbs 60-69 years: 7916 Carbs 70 and over: Results are still pending DRESSING AFTERWARDS: Calmly: 32 Carbs In a hurry: 98 Carbs With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs PLEASE NOTE:
Results may vary
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a very small member no more than half-an-inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider. "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples joined their normal partners. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It
was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot. The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they're all gone. Then she's hot!" When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I'm through, she's really hot!" The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don't do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and fuck the shit out of her. When I'm done, I wipe my dick on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!"
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