Amusing English Signs

Humorous English Signs From Around The World

Signs on Bathroom Walls

Signs Seen on Church Property 2/16/2002

Signs Found Elsewhere in the USA 3/10/2003

Signs Found Outside the USA 10/19/2001

Signs Found In The Kitchen

Signs on Bathroom Walls:

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
-Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror Women's room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
-Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
-Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
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Signs Found Elsewhere:

	On an Asian Restaurant: Fuk Mi Sushi & Seafood Buffet
	Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
	On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us help you pick your nose."
	"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." - An unidentified sign
	In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
	Sign seen in our veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."
	In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
	On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
	Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
	In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
	On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
	Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
	In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
	On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
	Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
	At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
	At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
	Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
	Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
	Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
	Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs
	Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you
	Beauty Shop: Dye now!
	Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
	Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"
	Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
	Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
	Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
	On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
	At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
	Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment
	In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
	In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
	On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
	Music Library: Bach in a minuet
	At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
	On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
	On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
	In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
	Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
	In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
	On same building: Cox's Family Restaurant - Pet store (Morehead City N.C.)--Imagine their menu
	On the marquis for the Crystal Coast Civic Center: H.W. Brown Gun Show Martin Luther King Festival Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA: Blind Drive on Right.
	Next to a toilet in Bali was an ashtray with: Don't eat everythings on it
	Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
	Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
	New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
	Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
	Loan company office: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
	New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
	Shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
	At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
	Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
	Funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
	Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
	Shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
	Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
	Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
	New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
	Public school grounds: No trespassing without permission.
	Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
	New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
	Wheelbarrow - Do not use when temperature exceeds 140 Fahrenheit.
	Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, AZ - State Prison: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers
	Rim Drive, Durango, CO - Warning: Do Not Hit This Sign
	Unknown Road, Clemson, SC - Caution water on road during rain.
	On a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your headand watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
	Hand-printed sign posted in a traffic court: "Don't complain, think of all the summonses you have deserved but didn't get."
	A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too...."
	On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
	Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road, and stop reading these signs."
	At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
	Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
	Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello. We can help pick your nose."
	Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
	Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."
	When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water. "We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them." As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge. It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0
	at a welding shop... "We can weld anything except the crack of dawn or the break of wind."
	company slogan in the yellow pages. Being a demolition company, the slogan read: "If you've got the walls, we've got the balls."
	a sign in a documentary about prison. The large sign was on the chain link door of the outside fence of the prison and it said...NO HOSTAGES BEYOND THIS POINT
	A Funeral Home in Philadelphia: "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
	A Cafe in Jefferson, TX (March 2003): We no longer sell French Fries We sell Freedom Fries

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Signs Found Outside the USA

	Notice in a Dutch undertaker's shop window: 'We prefer to serve German Customers'
	Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland."The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
	Outside a restaurant in Santorini (Greece): Trespassing for Customers Only
	TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person todo such thing is please not to read notis.
	BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
	BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.
	PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
	ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
	YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
	MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
	SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
	AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
	HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
	BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.
	PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
	RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
	GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
	HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the lastest methodists.
	ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
	CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
	SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.
	COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
	MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.
	NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
	BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
	ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
	TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
	JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
	TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Back to the Top

Signs Seen on Church Property

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

"Don't Let Worries Kill You. Let the Church Help"

Seen on a tombstone in England

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

From the grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania

Here lies Ellen Shannon who was fatally burned March 21, 1870, by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
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Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking... lower your standards.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

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