Stewart's December Calendar
1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message
for answering machine.
3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
7 Debug Windows '98.
10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
11 Lay Faberge egg.
12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents"
in case tires are shot out at mall.
17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's
sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices,
and cinnamon sticks.
22 Float votive candles in toilet.
23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged
in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
27 Build snow replica of Mount Rushmore.
31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend
in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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Stewart vs. the Real World (Me & You)
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow
in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the
bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch
with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze"
your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped
pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in
the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding,
place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix
and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from
cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you
going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out
of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your
palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between
the mattress and box springs.
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on
food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough
water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with
nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there
won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there
won't be any leftovers.
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls
for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and
there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate
it for you.
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over
salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will
absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you
are cooking, that's too bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum
foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white
over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions
do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple
in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the
cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes
in a can.
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an
egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks,
it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway.
If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take
a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this
works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting
lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore,
it is because you are now blind.
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that
leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
My way: Who has left over wine? Never happens
in this house.
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening
jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food
stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and
rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing
the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do
with Alka Seltzer.? Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,
wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent
action clean vitreous China.? Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the
bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets. ? Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass
of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.? Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let
soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos
in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch
of problems at once.
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10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine
with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and
precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the
half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose
petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and
a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
And The Number One Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
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Prison Decorating Tips
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Life In Jail
lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron bars, and useful
storage containers she's built that glide easily below her bunk bed in
which she'll store sheets and linens from K-Mart's going-out-of-business
toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with toilet paper
flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow from the sink
in a bird bathlike fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows through the
open bars of her window.
in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with matches for which
Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate. They will be stuffed
with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear it's Martha's intention
to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving feast to all those who
continue to subscribe to her magazine, even while in prison, although
she has asked that each of them commit to a year of service as part of
her newly appointed staff.
she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a decorative
wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam Waksal's taste clashes
wildly with hers.
plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect from the teeth
of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations to her own escape.
With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a melon baller, Martha plans
to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell floor until she has made it
safely under the prison walls to freedom.
guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the thousands
of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one perfectly round.
As a parting
gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison.
Tattooed on her cheeks is written: "It's a good thing."
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after being convicted of all charges related to the sale of her ImClone
stock, domestic diva Martha Stewart attempted to flee the country baked
inside an enormous pineapple upside-down cake.
measuring seven feet in diameter, was being shepherded through security
at JFK International Airport by two employees of Martha Stewart Omnimedia
when security personnel noticed something unusual.
cake was talking, real bitchy-like, one security employee said.
the security staff realized that it was not the cake itself that was talking
but rather Ms. Stewart, baked inside the cake and angrily berating an
employee on her cell phone.
you to puree those phone logs and whisk them into the chestnut gravy,
you moron! Ms. Stewart could be heard shouting from inside the pineapple
dessert. Im going down and its all your freaking fault!
sliced open the cake and revealed Ms. Stewart inside, a representative
for the homemaking mogul said the pineapple upside-down cake incident
was entirely proper and had been blown out of proportion.
Stewart had pre-arranged several months ago to travel out of the country
encased in a giant cake, Ms. Stewarts spokesman said.
Back at her
multimedia company, executives were scrambling to re-format the April
issue of Ms. Stewarts flagship magazine, which will now be called
Martha Stewart Leaving.
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walks into a butcher shop, taps her fingers arrogantly on the counter
and says, "Butcher, I want a Long Island Duckling." The butcher
walks to the back room, grabs a duck off the shelf and places it down
in front of the woman.
takes her right hand and inserts two fingers into the rear end of the
duck and says, "Butcher, this is NOT a Long Island duckling. It is
a Pittsburgh duckling. I DO NOT WANT a Pittsburgh duckling - take it back."
mutters under his breath, grabs the duck, goes to the back room, grabs
a different duck, and plops it down on the counter. Martha Stewart again
inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and disgustingly says, "Butcher,
THIS IS NOT A LONG ISLAND DUCKLING - IT IS BOSTON DUCKLING - TAKE IT BACK!"
By this time,
the butcher is really steamed. He grabs another duck off the shelf and
practically throws it at Martha. Once again, she inserts two fingers up
the duck's rear and says, "Well finally you brought me a Long Island
duckling. I'll take it. Wrap it up."
seething, wraps up the duck and then the Martha arrogantly asks, "Butcher,
how long have you worked here?" He replies, "Two months."
where are you from?" she asks. At which point, he pulls down his
pants, turns his butt toward her and says, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!"
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