A
Poor Defense Argument In
Phoenix, Ariz., Alfred Lavers, 48, argued unsuccessfully earlier this
year that he should not receive the death penalty for slowly and torturously
stabbing his wife and stepdaughter to death. Lavers argued that the law
discriminates against poor people who cannot afford expensive guns in
order to commit murder and therefore must rely on crude weapons that kill
slowly. I
Just Cleaned that Floor! Thomas
Hall, 57, was convicted of manslaughter in Nashville, Tenn., in April
in the 1991 shooting death of his brother Howard. According to the prosecutor,
Thomas, who had just mopped the kitchen floor, became upset when Howard
tracked in mud from the outside. Thomas yelled at Howard, and both men
ran for their guns. God
will Provide -- or maybe not In
May, some teen-agers discovered the body of traveling salesman DeWitt
Finley, 56, in a truck on a back road in the Klamath Mountains in Oregon.
He had starved to death over a nine-week period in which he was stranded
in heavy snow, despite the fact that the road was clear several hundred
yards beyond the truck. Diary entries indicated that Finley had failed
to venture out of his truck because he was certain God would provide for
his rescue. He
just couldn't stay away Roberto
Carlos da Silva, 21, confessed to police in Sorocaba, Brazil, in February
that he was so consumed with grief over the death of his fiancee that,
three months after her burial, he dug up her body, which still had her
wedding dress on, and had sex with it. He told the Estado news agency,
"I was desperate and needed her." Helmet
Laws Suck! El
Sereno, Calif., mechanic Gerald Marotta shot himself to death because
he was despondent over California's new law requiring motorcyclists to
wear helmets, which had taken effect on Jan. 1, several days earlier.
His wife later indicated that Marotta's way of dealing with problems was
to ride his motorcycle with no helmet on. His suicide note read, in part,
"Now I can't even ride." A
Really Sore Loser In Dadeville,
Ala., Mr. Gabel Taylor, 38, who had just prevailed in an informal Bible-quoting
contest, was shot to death by the loser. MIAMI Fla. - Hawkeyed
customs officials became suspicious of Barbados pet store owner Rodney
Carrington when he tried to enter the U.S. with his pants bulging in several
unusual places. He told customs officers at Miami International Airport
he had nothing to declare, but when the bulges began moving and wriggling
they decided to investigate. What they found were 55 4-inch-long red-footed
tortoises which Carrington had stuffed down his pants. They cost about
$5 in Barbados, but go for up to $75 in the U.S. (Actual Headline - Dallas Morning News) Harrisburg, PA. -- A small-town police officer is accused of paying a 10-year-old Little League pitcher $2 to hit an opposing batter with a fastball. Prosecutors aren't saying why Officer Shawn Phillips would want the batter out of commission. Phillips is not related to anyone on either team, according to league managers. Still, they say, Phillips was on duty May 21 when he walked into East Penn Elementary School, took the pitcher outside and asked him to 'accidentally' hit the player. The officer allegedly gave the boy $2 behind the school bike racks. The kid pitcher for the Service Construction team did the job -- nailing the opposing team's cleanup batter below the belt, dropping him to his knees and leaving a giant welt on his skin. The player had to leave the game. Phillips
was charged Wednesday with solicitation to commit simple assault, corruption
of minors and official oppression. He could face six months in jail
if convicted. LOS ANGELES, California - Just when you thought public schools couldn't get any wackier comes high school teacher Tracy Niederkirk. This young, shapely school teacher has been fired after stripping naked in a class teaching anatomy. Apparently
the class skeleton wasn't enough for her, so she wanted to use her own
body to point out the finer points of the female body. (The actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And,
yes, Linda is a blonde. JAKARTA, Indonesia
- A man charged with murder thought he could beat the rap by taking advantage
of a legal loop hole. Apparently, policeman are not allowed to arrest
someone who is in the midst of practicing a religious ritual. So he began
to stand on his head, which is a ritual practiced by a local cult. After
days of being upside down, he surrendered to authorities complaining of
numb feet. NEW YORK - Susan Madakor,
40, a single mother who lives in public housing, discovered $700,000 in
her account at Chase Manhattan Bank. The money was intended for a United
Nations environmental fund and ended up in Madakor's account by mistake,
but she thought the money was a jackpot from a lottery she played. By
the time the mistake was discovered, Madakor left her job at a textile
company and bought a laundry business for $100,000, set up a college savings
fund for her 10-year-old son, paid off $30,000 in credit card debt, furnished
a new apartment and leased a van. Now she is fighting to get the money
back in court. The foreign governments that provided the funds used an
account number that was off by one digit. Officer Fired for being 'too Christian' BILLINGS,
Montana - A female police officer has recently been dismissed for being
"too Christian." It seems that when filing her reports, she
had trouble distinguishing between misdemeanors and "the Devil's
work." All of her reports were couched in the language of the Book
of Revelations. CONCORD, NH - A prison inmate sewed his eyes and lips shut with dental floss because he feared the new year, officials said. New Hampshire State Prison guards found the inmate, who was serving time for cocaine possession, covered in baby powder and clutching a Bible Friday night, said Mark Wefers, chief of internal investigations at the prison. "The inmate told corrections officers he was in fear of the new year," Wefers said. The prisoner, whose name wasn't released, used needles that guards found in his cell. It was not clear where he got the needles. The inmate suffered some blood loss, but not enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. He was being held at the prison for psychological and medical evaluation. Wait -- there's more... HICKORY HILLS, Illinois - A 34 year old Cincinnati man driving a rented ford Taurus with two flat tires was arrested at the Hickory Hills/Palos Shopping Center after threatening to slit his throat with a hunting knife. When officers encountered the man he was already suffering from a stab wound. He then produced a pistol from the trunk of his car and threatened to shoot himself in the head. The man was apprehended after collapsing from blood loss. Upon further investigation, the man's girlfriend was discovered, suffering from five stab wounds. She said the man was distraught over a Y2K meeting and wanted to go to California (by way of Hickory Hills from Cincinnati) and live in the desert. Breakfast Drink Turns London Girl Orange Would you be green
with envy if you could change the complexion of your skin? Well, a five-year-old
British girl has discovered that plenty of Sunny Delight will do the trick,
although maybe not exactly how you would want it. At 1.5 liters a day
of the bright orange drink, the child had consumed enough beta carotene
to turn her skin orange. A spokesman for Sunny Delight's makers said,
"This child has drunk more Sunny Delight than the total amount of
fluid that you would expect a child of that age to drink in a day."
They went on to say that there is no risk of toxicity and that she should
return to the pink of health in no time. Wife Sues For Divorce After Sexual Rebuff BALTIMORE, MD - A
wacky newlywed attacked her husband in a rage after he refused to have
sex one more time with her. Why? Apparently the couple had already had
sex four times and her husband was, "tired from working all day."
Police were called to the scene after objects were thrown through windows
and loud arguments during her enraged aftermath. She is suing on the grounds
of sexual incompatibility. In court to defend
himself on charges of rape, Antonio Lozano turned down a plea bargain
of 20 years. He then proceeded to tell the predominantly female jury and
Judge Sharon McRae that "...it's a man's world and I can do what
I want." Lozano went on to justify his actions by saying "...men
rule and women drool." Somehow, this strategy backfired. The jury
gave him 45 years. TEHRAN - More than
500 Iranian hard-liners have pledged to sell one of their kidneys to pay
for the murder of British author Salman Rushdie, condemned to death 10
years ago, a newspaper reported. Rushdie, who only recently emerged from
hiding, is accused of blasphemy in his novel The Satanic Verses. A total
of 508 people have already signed up to sell a kidney. ORLANDO - A woman suing Universal Studios contends the theme park operator's annual Halloween Horror Nights haunted house attraction was too scary and caused her emotional distress. The lawsuit by Cleanthi
Peters, 57, also seeks compensation for injuries she says she suffered
when she visited the haunted house with her 10-year-old granddaughter
in 1998. Peters is seeking $15,000 in damages for "extreme fear,
emotional distress and mental anguish." PARIS, France - Michel
Journiac is being sued by a dinner guest he had over to his flat. It seems
the guest became sick after Michel revealed that the delicacy of "black
pudding" was made with Michel's own blood. Journiac has this fetish
for eating his own blood and in papers filed in court said, "It's
very rewarding to know you are eating some part of yourself." His
dinner guest didn't share this rewarding feeling. Drunken Man Sends Mayday from Bathtub COPENHAGEN, Denmark
- In what has to be one of the most bizarre pleas for help, a Danish man
set off a real-life sea rescue mission while playing with toy ships in
his bathtub. The drunk 52-year-old called in repeated mayday alarms to
the Maritime Sea Rescue Command as he piloted his water toys, claiming
he was captain of a 12-crew freighter in distress. Giving a position west
of the Baltic Sea island of Bornholm, which belongs to Denmark, he said
his vessel was listing 45 degrees and that one crew member had been washed
overboard. Authorities leaped to respond, sending two rescue vessels to
search the area for 90 minutes. Police eventually traced the phone calls
to the home of the intoxicated man, who admitted the false alarm. Convicted Killer Imprisoned In Man's Body BOSTON, MA - A convicted
killer is convinced he is a woman trapped in a man's body and he/she plans
on doing something about it. The felon has filed a federal lawsuit to
force the state to pay for a sex change. Robert Kosilek, who is serving
a life sentence for killing his wife in 1990, claims it is cruel and unusual
punishment to prevent him from becoming a woman. Since his conviction
in 1993, Kosilek, 50, has been denied the hormones and surgery that would
allow him to "assume some level of psycho-sexual congruity,"
as he put it in court papers. Corrections officials have attempted to
have the case dismissed. NEW YORK - Ladies, if you live in the New York area make sure you stay far away from Dr. Allan Zarkin. Why? It seems that Dr. Zarkin should have been a graffiti artist. He is being investigated - and sued - after he allegedly carved his initials on a woman's abdomen after performing a Caesarean section because he felt he had done such "a beautiful job," officials said on Friday. According to witnesses
of the procedure at New York's Beth Israel Medical Center, Dr. Allan Zarkin
etched his three-inch (7 cm) initials, "AZ," into the skin of
new mother Linda Gedz as she lay sedated on Sept. 7. Zarkin, dubbed "Dr.
Zorro" by hospital staff following the incident had no comment. BUDAPEST, Hungary
- The phrase "Let's be frank with each other," takes on a whole
new meaning for a married couple in Budapest who are planning a sex change
surgery that will allow them to switch genders. The operation is scheduled
for August, said a doctor at Saint George's Hospital in Szekesfehervar.
The couple are currently receiving hormone treatments in preparation for
the surgery. The woman was identified as a 26-year-old named Andrea. Her
husband was not identified. Nude Dancing Club Skirts Ordinance FORT VALLEY, Ga. -
A nude dancing club has found a clever way to skirt a Peach County ordinance
banning the sale of alcohol at such establishments. Customers pay a $7
cover charge at the Neon Cowboy, which offers patrons an eyeful of nude
dancers, but no alcohol. If a patron wants a beer, he simply tells security.
Then he is whisked in a golf cart the 1,000-plus-feet east to Boss Hawgs
II Bikini Co., where waitresses are clad in bikinis but the beer flows
freely. The golf cart ride is free and there's no cover charge at Boss
Hawgs. LONDON - Irate villagers
on Monday demanded the closure of what was billed as Britain's first topless
hairdressing salon. Men visiting the "Mipples" salon in the
Buckinghamshire village of New Bradwell get a haircut plus the chance
to see the stylist without her top on. Owner Gary Mernagh said the salon
was just meant to be "a bit of fun" -- but it has provoked a
storm of protest in the village and calls for its closure. NEW YORK, NY - Most
men would agree. If women are going to protest something, they should
do it like Melynda Duval and Anna West, who donned ice-skates, bikini
bottoms and not much else to streak through a fashion show at the Rockefeller
Center skating rink. Flashing smiles and painted-on leopard spots, the
two carried a sign stretched between them saying: "Only Animals Should
Wear Fur." Kristie Sigmon, of People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals, said, "Something like this, it's fun, it's uplifting and
it gets people talking about the issue. We do have a good sense of humor." Another blow for Darwinism:
a Brazilian court has ruled that factory worker Valdir Pozza is not entitled
to compensation after losing the use of his finger, because "pinkie
fingers would disappear with evolution anyway." A Honduran man castrated
himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" that his
wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels
cut off both his testicles and "put them on a table." After
careful consideration, Varels "grabbed them" and went to a health
center to have them reattached. Nashville's cops became
fugitives after a radio station announced one of the city's uniformed
officers was carrying two tickets to the Super Bowl, free for the asking.
Football-frenzied residents began chasing every policeman in sight, speeding
after police cruisers in their cars and running through traffic on foot.
The situation was made even worse because some of the police officers
had not been told about the stunt, played out in advance of Sunday's Super
Bowl XXXIV which pitted the Tennessee Titans against the St. Louis Rams. Penis Biting Ferret Faces Death A ferret dubbed 'Richard' after biting a policeman's penis, is now on death row in a wildlife hospital. The fate of Richard was today placed in the hands of the courts, but it is likely to face death by lethal injection in as little as two weeks. The ferret - a prohibited animal in Queensland - was confiscated from his owner at Brisbane's Fortitude Valley markets on Saturday morning. But while it was being driven in a police car to the animal hospital, it escaped from a cardboard box on the back seat and climbed onto a policeman's lap, sinking its teeth into his groin area. "It is an unusual
place for it to bite but you have to be aware when you are handling them
that they do bite a lot," a spokesperson said. A cooking show in
England has promised a nasty surprise in an upcoming "TV Dinners"
episode -- placenta pate. An unnamed family invited 20 of their closest
friends and a television film crew to dine on the frozen afterbirth of
their daughter's child. According to the London Independent, the baby's
father had "14 helpings", and his wife declared that "serving
the placenta will be a family tradition now..." . CANBERRA - Australian
Customs officials have foiled an attempt to smuggle 31 native lizards
out of the country after searching a man at Melbourne airport. The man,
who was attempting to leave the country on a flight to Vienna Monday night,
was carrying 11 Leaf-tail geckos, 13 Knob-tail geckos and seven Beaked
geckos. Some of the lizards were taped to the smuggler's skin under his
clothes. Chronic Fatigue Relief by Black&Decker LONDON - Heather Perry,
29, says she has finally cured her chronic fatigue by resorting to do-it-yourself
brain surgery and drilling a hole in her own head. It's an ancient technique
called trepanning - cutting away a section of the scalp and drilling into
the skull. Perry's bid to rid herself of the inflammation of her brain
and spinal chord, by drilling a two-centimeter hole to allow blood to
flow more easily around the brain, almost went wrong when she drilled
too far and penetrated a membrane protecting her brain tissue. She performed
the operation under local anesthetic in front of a mirror and a camera
crew. 8-year-old Kills Brother in Washing Machine BOMBAY, India - A tragedy has recently been in the news after an 8-year-old boy killed his two-year old baby brother by placing him in a washing machine and giving him a full rinse. The older sibling
was inspired after watching a TV commercial showing a grubby Teddy Bear
coming out of the wash cycle looking like new. Bird Assists in Attempted Murder MADRID, Spain - A most unusual court case of attempted murder has captivated this historic city. A man, Jorge Fuentes has been charged AND CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife. It seems he trained
their talking bird to drive his wife to suicide. The bird would constantly
repeat, "End it all" and "Life is not worth living".
The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the judge.
After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Jorge. BUDAPEST - An unidentified
person posted the photo of an anonymous young girl on a Web site saying
she was a Hungarian named Szandra and would be ready to lose her virginity
for a "fair sum of money." The whole thing was a scam, of course,
and the perpetrator then posted the names, phone numbers, e-mail addresses
and letters of the 13 highest bidders on the site. One zealous American
bid $1,886. The site supposedly attracted more than 5,000 visitors in
less than 24 hours. Canadian Prisons are the Place to Be In its November
findings after a yearlong study of correctional institutions around the
world, Canadian prison officials recommended that nearly all of its facilities
be made to resemble its most lenient, including eventually removing razor
wire, bulletproof glass and guards' guns, and giving all but a handful
of the most heinous inmates control over the keys to their cells so as
to establish "a culture of respect." Woman Shops With Knife Protruding From Neck DARBY, Pa. (Reuters) - A Pennsylvania woman spent the better part of an hour shopping at a neighborhood grocery store without realizing that a passerby had stuck a knife into her neck, police said on Saturday. Darlene Jones, 62, set out from home on foot before 7 a.m. (1200 GMT) on Friday, when a running passerby slapped her on the back of the neck -- or so she thought. She kept on going, as if nothing had happened. Jones walked to the Acme supermarket in the nearby community of Yeadon, just outside Philadelphia, and bought a package of Oreo cookies and a newspaper before making the half-mile return journey to her house. Only after she got home did her daughter notice the handle of a kitchen knife sticking out of her mother's neck. The daughter yanked out the blade, releasing a gush of blood, and quickly got her to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, where she was listed in fair condition on Saturday. "Five or six people walked right past her without even noticing,'' Darby Police Chief Robert Smythe told the Philadelphia Inquirer, while describing the incident as a ''random, vicious attack.'' Supermarket surveillance cameras later showed the woman strolling through the aisles of the store, past clerks and customers, with the knife handle clearly visible. Jones could
not give police a description of her assailant, saying she did not even
notice if it was a man or a woman. LONDON,
England - A medical journal, The Lancet, recently reported a rare condition
of a case of "spontaneous multiple orgasms." It seems a 44-year-old
woman would undergo multiple orgasms when doing routine household chores
like laundry. The report continued to outline that extreme distress was
caused to the woman due to the uncontrollable nature and intensity of
the feeling. She was eventually treated with a medication normally used
on epilepsy patients and she is now orgasm-free. McDonald's Employees Beat Customer MICHIGAN - They take
their milkshakes pretty seriously in Detroit. When Alfred Pointer and
his wife complained about a watery milkshake they received from the drive
through of a McDonald's restaurant, the attendant suggested Mr. Pointer
come inside for a refund. There he was allegedly beaten by three employees.
The couple has filed a $100 million lawsuit against McDonald's Corp. and
the owners of the franchise. QUEBEC - And you thought
Canadians were straight-laced. Thanks to the keen observations of wives
and girlfriends, police arrested eight people at Le Salon Sex Symbol,
where stylists stripped, performed exotic dances and talked dirty as they
clipped clients' hair. Three female employees and five male customers
were charged with working in or frequenting a house of prostitution, according
to the local newspaper. While not much actual hair-clipping took place,
police did catch the 28-year-old owner and a client playing with a sexual
toy and oil. Interestingly enough, Quebec law allows erotic hair salons,
if no touching takes place. The wives, and more importantly, the police
believe patrons at Le Salon Sex Symbol could buy sex. A bizarre
ad campaign is being waged by the People For The Ethical Treatment Of
Animals. It seems that they take issue with the consumption of milk that
is extracted from animals (except "Mother's milk). The ads claim
that people should switch from milk to beer because it has a much lower
fat content. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) has waged a counter
campaign stating that this is a ridiculous diet that will kill thousands
of people on the highways of America. SEATTLE,
WA - Sam Ketterling has recently petitioned the court to have a local
surgeon cut off his left hand although there is no physical reason to
do so. In 1908 a German neurologist discovered a disorder called Alien
Hand Syndrome whereby a person loses control of one's hand. Ketterling
said in court papers that his hand was trying "to kill him"
and that it was only because his right hand was stronger that he could
rest the left hand away from his throat. The court denied Ketterling's
request after acknowledging this rare condition. Australian Makeshift Circumcision BRISBANE,
Australia - A recent party turned gruesome after a group of drunken Aussies
decided to perform a makeshift operation on their drunken friend. The
operation? You guessed it; a circumcision. They did not even use a knife,
for one was not available so they used a broken beer bottle. The "patient"
was so drunk he slept through the operation and was rushed to the hospital
bleeding, but still passed out. The "friends" were charged with
unlawful wounding. A Classic Case of Revenge (wedding style) Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University: This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, The groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F---you," he turned to the bride and said "F---you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here." He
had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most
of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was
wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300
guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front
of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers,
sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. Scissors Found in Woman's Chest GEORGETOWN,
Guyana - In a perfect example of how a day can go from bad to worse, Roman
Soman, 43, was recently admitted to state-run Georgetown Hospital after
her husband had attacked her with an ice pick and a knife. When the X-rays
were developed the doctors found the silhouette of a pair of surgical
scissors which had apparently been sewn up inside her body during a chest
operation 10 years earlier. Despite the hospitals insistence that instruments
are counted before and after every surgery, an official investigation
has begun and a compensation suit is pending. Soman is having an operation
to operate to remove the scissors. Hey - You've Only Got One Breast! CAIRO -
A man filed suit in an Egyptian Court to get his marriage annulled because
he had recently discovered, after 20 months of marriage, that his wife
only had one breast. He accused his wife of deliberately misleading him
by omitting the fact that she was born without her right breast. He argued
that this compromised her femininity, and could pose potential health
risks during pregnancy. A medical examiner was consulted and reported
that she was perfectly healthy and able to fulfill her marital obligations.
Puzzled about the 20 month discovery time? Some couples in rural Egypt
practice conservative sex, and generally do not take off all of their
clothes. CALGARY
- A benchmark for both the environment and agriculture was reached Thursday
when an agreement was signed to reduce cow flatulence which contributes
to the greenhouse effect. TransAlta power company reached a multi-million
dollar agreement with U.S. based Global Livestock Group to produce a feed
supplement that would reduce both belching and flatulence. This additive
would be sprayed on their hay and feed with the potential to decrease
methane gases equivalent to 30 million tons of carbon dioxide. Environmental
groups question how much other pollutants will increase by producing this
additive. KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia
- Witness the plight of 23-year- old Siva Kumar who had to undergo an
emergency surgery after suffering an extreme allergic reaction to a new
spermicidal cream used inside the condom. The reaction caused such severe
swelling that doctors had to amputate a large portion of his inflamed
penis. Alcoholic Brewery Employee Sues SAU PAULO
- Residing in the "What Were The Odds?" category, a Brazilian
court ordered Brahma Brewing Company to pay $30,000 in damages plus a
life-time pension to their former senior brewer Bernd Naveke. Unable to
work due to his alcoholism problem, the brewer endured twenty years of
tasting where he was required to drink six to eight liters of beer each
day beginning in the morning. His daily intake was as high as 3.1 gallons
per day forcing him to retire at the age of 40. Naveke's lawyers stressed
Brahma's negligence for failing to warn him of the risks associated with
the job. Head of Crimestoppers Steals $10,000 LAUREL,
Mont: The man accused of stealing $10,000 dollars from the Laurel Crimestoppers
program, which he was head of, is still on the lam. Sandy Stevenson
disappeared along with the money in 1999, and just recently Yellowstone
County issued a warrant for his arrest. The Yellowstone County attorney says they've located the fugitive in
London and are trying to get an extradition request to have Stevenson
arrested by British authorities, and returned to the United States. Mexican Uproar over Daylight-Savings Time MEXICO CITY - Debate flares over the adoption of daylight-savings time in Mexico. Among the evils of daylight-savings enumerated by Mexican Senator Felix Salgado is the strain it puts on good marital relations. Ever since it was introduced, six years ago, setting the clock back has caused distress among Latin lovers who are unable to engage in their 'mananero' (Spanish for morning quickie) because wives have to take their children to school an hour earlier. In Salgado's defense,
he also mentions the risk that school-children face, venturing out on
crime-ridden streets in the dark, but with elections just months away
he's focusing on the issues that really hit home. BRISTOL, England -
A janitor at a Marriott Hotel was fired for taking four days to clean
an elevator. When asked why it took so long, before his dismissal he said,
"There are twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some
of them are not there." He apparently thought that each floor had
a different elevator and cleaned the same elevator 12 times. ALEXANDRIA,
LA - Violating Rapides Parish's "loud and offensive noise" ordinance
is no idle threat. Henry Nelson, age 20, and Jon Driggers, age 26, pleaded
guilty when they were charged with playing loud music in their cars. They
were both fined, given a suspended jail sentence with probation, and ordered
to endure a three-hour "music appreciation" lesson. Judge Tom
Yeager said, "I thought if they had to listen to stuff they hate,
it would teach them to respect other people's rights." The selected
tool of torment? Country music. DEMING,
N.M. - Sadie Emerson of New Mexico recently lost her Vietnamese potbellied
pig. The miniature porker named Tiny Boo was a cherished family pet and
Sadie and her 3-year-old son began searching the neighborhood for it.
Much to their horror they found Tiny Boo was the guest of honor at a barbecue
their neighbors were having down the street. The mobile home owner told
sheriff's deputies he shot the pig with a rifle after the animal tried
to attack him. He has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear
in court. Turkish Oil Wrestlers Fear Gay Interest ISTANBUL
- Residing in our "what were the odds?" file, our glistening
leather-clad warriors object to their ancient sporting event being coveted
by a group of homosexuals calling themselves the "Bears of Turkey."
This group of openly gay men are advertising on the Internet in hopes
of booking a tour group to attend the Kirkpinar championships. On July
1, the city of Edirne will be hosting this event, but Chairman Alper Yazoglu
was quoted as saying, "We are trying every way to have this stopped...".
The event takes place in the hot sun as the wrestlers slather themselves
in olive oil before trying to pin each other to the ground. One common
tactic includes putting a hand down the opponent's leather trousers to
get a better grip. The wrestlers don't see the attraction for their homosexual
audience. PARIS - It is no longer acceptable to malign or slander your garden gnomes. That's right; someone is fighting to protect your gnomes from captivity and ridicule. The Garden Gnome Liberation Front has emerged from their underground lair long enough to steal 20 gnomes in order to set them free. This same
savvy group was responsible for the disappearance of over 150 garden gnomes
in 1997, but the ringleader was caught, and fined. Parisians were shocked
by the brutal 1998 mass gnome suicide in Briey. 11 were found dangling
by their necks under a bridge. The note left behind said, "When you
read these few words we will no longer be a part of your selfish world,
where we serve merely as pretty decoration." GUATEMALA
CITY - Lent no longer tops the list for Easter hardships. The annual Easter
witch hunt began seven days prior to Holy Week this year for Guatemalan
students. The ritual consists of 15,000 hooded students (mostly male)
who publicly strip suspected criminals, and beat them. This vigilante
pummeling, and the accompanying parade, are a sanctioned tradition where
last year more than 108 lynching attempts took place. Flatulence Can be Hazardous to your Health AMSTERDAM,
Holland - Recently, researchers at the University of Amsterdam have been
delving into the hazards of flatulence. Apparently, prolonged exposure
of four hours a day to humans "passing gas" can weaken the immune
system. The doctor heading this piece of vital research, Dr. Hans Sholten,
was quoted as saying, "It would behoove anyone who cares about his
or her health to avoid people with chronic flatulence." Bumper Sticker Incites Beatings Cleetis
Hayseed of Twelve Toes, Arkansas had this lame bumper sticker on his car:
"I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You." After enduring countless
beatings, Cleetis cleverly contacted the company which offers the world's
best-selling stickers: DARE To Keep Cops Off Donuts, Life is Short - Don't
Be a Dick, Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music, WHATEVER, I'd Rather
Be Spanking The Monkey, and Your College Sucks. Wife Runs Down Husband After Church COVINGTON, LA. - Sunday may be the Lord's day, but it didn't stop a jealous wife from correcting her husband's wandering eye. Sedonia Renee Martin, 22, decided to quickly correct her husband's church flirtation after last Sunday's service at St. James Baptist Church. The husband, Tushaun Jamel Thompson, vacated the couple's car to avoid further argument when his wife sped towards him in an effort to scare him. Convinced
that she wouldn't actually hit him, Thompson stood his ground; until the
front end of the vehicle hit his upper legs, and threw him into a ditch
20 feet away. His injuries were moderate, but his embarrassment was critical. Cure for Female Impotence Approved WASHINGTON
- Score one for the fight against female impotence. The FDA has just approved
the Eros system which was designed to increase blood flow to the clitoris.
Simply put; its a small tube attached to a suction cup that runs on batteries.
Once the clitoris becomes properly engorged, the apparatus is removed,
and.... A prescription is required, but there are no reported side effects. Morgue Worker Discovers Girlfriend MIAMI, FL
- Jose Rodriguez, a worker at the Florida Mortuary, made a horrible discovery
when he recognized his girlfriend's corpse while at work. When a co-worker
had asked him to retrieve a body, he glanced at the bullet-marked body
and to his horror identified her as Theresa Valladares, 38; his common-law
wife (as he considered) who had been missing for over one week. Rodriguez,
69, admitted that they had an on-again, off-again relationship, and the
last few years of her life were troubled ones battling drugs and alcohol.
Police reported that she had been shot April 19, by another boyfriend,
Abelado Alorio Morales, 72, who then killed himself with the same gun. Lewd Vegetables Cause for Arrest OAXACA,
Mexico - This sunny little village is known for growing some of the largest
radishes on earth. They just do not eat them, they have turned "radish
carving" into an art form. But Conchita Curriro caused a stir when
she carved anatomically correct nude men and women from the vegetative
material. People began to chow down on her artwork with unusual vigor.
Officials arrested the artist for inciting lewd behavior. House Demolition by GMC Pickup Dave Anthony
offered to help tear down a friend's old house. The problem is Dave had
been drinking a few beers, which apparently gave him the idea of driving
his 1984 GMC pickup into the garage. Thinking that this was a good start
he steered the truck over the rubble of the partially collapsed garage
and drove onto the roof of the house. The truck got stuck and sank slowly
through the roof. As cool as a cucumber Dave grabbed another beer and
climbed down, to the applause of nearly 100 passers-by that had gathered.
Police and fire-fighters met Anthony coming off the roof. EVORA, Portugal
- This just might be the most bizarre story we have come across. Manuel
de Montoya, alias Father Juan, convinced at least two dozen villagers
that demons possessed their bowels and the only way to get rid of them
was to administer enemas to "exorcise the demons". Of course
there was a price for this ritual. "Father Juan" was turned
in by another clergyman and authorities have charged him with fraud. The Bangkok
Post reported a couple years ago that several would-be physicians had
performed at least 100 bogus penis-enlargement operations in Thailand.
The procedures involved injections containing a mixture of olive oil,
chalk and other substances to provide bulk. Chiang Mai, a hospital representative
said, "I've even seen (victims' penises containing) bits of the Bangkok
telephone directory." Prostitutes Clean House in Bucharest BUCHAREST,
Romania - In order to increase business due to the economic depression,
a group of Romanian prostitutes is trying to lure clients by offering
to do household chores. So not only will they perform sexual favors for
the clients, but they will make the bed afterwards and serve them breakfast.
"We had to invent something because people don't have money and clients
are rare. After solving the sexual problem, the girls clean and cook for
free. All on the house," said a "sexual agent" in Bucharest.
It was not mentioned if the chores are performed in the nude or if the
prostitutes do windows. DENVER, Colorado -
Angry wife Della Drimland has filed for divorce after finding out her
husband of seven years had been faking being deaf and dumb. In recently
filed court papers, husband Bill had admitted to the ruse to escape incessant
nagging from his wife. He figured she would stop her nagging once he turned
deaf. Woman Gets a Real Charge out of Sex Toy ROME - How
do you stop your wife from "enjoying herself" with her favorite
sex toy? Electrician Antonio Murano had an idea. He booby-trapped his
wife's gizmo to discharge a powerful electrical charge when she applied
it to her private parts. She has since sued for divorce on the grounds
of incompatibility. A federal
judge in Worchester, MA has ordered the government to tell a reputed mobster
if it bugged his butt. The lawyer for racketeering defendant Vincent Marino
says his client claims a DEA agent asked him to sign a form so the tracking
device could be removed. The agent reportedly had told Marino the device
was implanted in his buttocks during surgery to remove a bullet. Israeli police launched a manhunt Sunday as a result of what the cat dragged in. A Jerusalem student discovered a dismembered human penis on his sofa, apparently after it had been brought in through an open window by a neighborhood cat. "I found a piece of flesh. It looked suspiciously like male genitalia. I called the police," the unnamed student said. "We
are starting with the assumption that if there is a male organ in the
apartment it possibly got there via a living animal, it appears a cat,"
said deputy police commander Effi Tibi. He said police using sniffer dogs
were searching the area for a body. Wife Thrown from Window for Small Portions CAIRO -
Things were thrown way out of pro"portion" when an Egyptian
threw his wife from a third-floor window for serving a larger helping
of chicken to her sons. The man reportedly argued that he should get a
larger portion than his two sons because he provided the chicken in the
first place. The police arrested the husband while neighbors took the
woman to the hospital. It was not reported if everyone received an equal
serving of mashed potatoes to go with the chicken. Morgue Attendant Startled by Lively Corpse CAIRO, Egypt
- A man pronounced dead after drowning off the coast of Egypt's port city
of Alexandria regained consciousness after spending three hours in a morgue
refrigerator. Ali Abdel-Rahim Mohammad, 32, blacked out while swimming
at the Alexandria
beach Monday. He was awakened by a loud bang and unfamiliar voices. Mohammed
grabbed the hand of an attendant who was trying to close the refrigerator
drawer in the Alexandria morgue. His firm grip sent the attendant and
a family who had apparently come to identify the body of a loved one scurrying
out of the morgue yelling, "Help us!" AUGUST 4,
2000 - John Hawk, 43, of Rockford Ohio, was charged with abuse of a corpse
after he allegedly used a hand saw to lop off the head of his deceased
uncle during a private visitation prior to the funeral. Hawk told authorities
he took the head home because he believed he might be able to resurrect
his uncle's spirit by consuming his brain. The head was quickly recovered
and returned to the casket for the funeral service. Hawk, who authorities
said had no previous criminal record, was sent to a psychiatric hospital
for evaluation. Man Loses Testicles to Snapping Turtle Utica, NY
- Dayle Nisi has a fear of swimming in the nude after being hospitalized
after going "skinny dipping" at a nearby lake. In a fresh water
version of Jaws, this time instead of a shark, a giant snapping turtle
used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. What part? Let's use Dayle Nisi's
own words, "...I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when
I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam
away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." Wine Enemas Increasing in Popularity Wine enemas a make splash in medical circles. Experts say there's been a recent increase in the popularity of the grape for this unconventional purpose. California-based sex therapist Dr. William Fitzgerald says more and more people are rediscovering this centuries-old remedy for calming the nerves. Wine enema enthusiasts must be careful, though, because there's a risk of alcohol poisoning since alcohol passes through the bowels much faster than through the stomach. He also warns that champagne enemas can cause cramping due to the bubbles and cold temperature. Fitzgerald also suggests you limit yourself to two bottles. Otherwise your large intestine could pop. |
