Stone Cold Steve Austin Claims He Was Abducted WWF
Champion "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is just the latest celebrity
to claim they were abducted by space aliens. After missing for 6 days,
Austin told police, "They said they came to Earth in peace, they
love wrestling and they just wanted to meet me." Austin further stated
that he did not remember Jumper Taunted With Van Halen Song OMAHA,
Nebraska - In police parlance he is known as a "jumper," someone
who wants to commit suicide by jumping from some high place. This particular
jumper was threatening to do the deed by leaping from an overpass into
traffic. While police tried to talk him down a hacker managed to break
onto the police radio frequency, and broadcast the Van Halen song JUMP
for three and a half minutes. As officers were negotiating all of the
police radios suddenly blared, "...might as well jump... go ahead
jump!" Police say the man clutching an overpass fence couldn't have
heard the broadcast, however police chief Don Carey was still not amused.
In a display of acumen and discretion Carey called the broadcast, "inappropriate."
Police say someone who found a lost or stolen police radio might have
transmitted the song. The jumper was eventually talked down safely. Worlds Heaviest Raccoon Retains Title PALMERTON,
PA - In another Bizarre Animal Story we are fascinated by Bandit, the
Guinness Book of World Records holder of the feat...World's Heaviest Raccoon.
But now the there is cause for alarm as Bandit just keeps getting bigger!
Weighing in at 64.9 pounds, owner, Deborah Klitsch, has tried putting
the blubbery Bandit on a diet but the beachball-sized creature doesn't
like the dry cat food she gives him, so he frequently "gets in the
cabinets and goes after (potato) chips," she said. "Now the
vet thinks he may have an inactive thyroid." Breast Milk Saves Lives of Boating Victims PUERTO
RICO - A group of stranded boating victims survived on breast milk for
12 days. Young mother Elena Mercedes managed to keep the crew afloat,
so to speak, when they ran out of food by having each person suckle milk
from her breasts. Each sucked Mercedes' breasts for just a few seconds
a day, while she was fed by mouth by her sister. The group made the journey
in the hope of finding work in Puerto Rico, but their wooden boat's compass
broke and they drifted back to shore after 12 days. All passengers are
said to be doing fine, although Mercedes apparently hasn't been able to
breastfeed since the ordeal. 8-Year-Old Called For Jury Duty - Twice WALL
TOWNSHIP, NJ - Kyle Connor is perfectly willing to report for jury duty.
But he'd have to ask his mom for a ride and get his teacher to excuse
him from elementary school. Connor is 8 years old. What's even more bizarre
is that this is the second time he has been asked to report for jury duty!
The first was when he was 5. Court officials said Connor probably was
flagged *twice* by computers that compile lists of potential jurors and
track, among other things, recipients of dividend and interest payments.
He was excused from appearing but Kyle says, "I'd just like to try
it." Plans for Nude Medical Clinic Exposed NAPLES,
Florida - The St. Petersburg Times reported that Dr. William Charles Leach
has been given an indefinite suspension by the Florida Board of Medicine
for exposing himself to his patients. On at least three separate occasions
Dr. Leach has dropping his pants, discussed medical charts in the buff
and attempted to conduct examinations in various stages of undress. "...he
took off his laboratory coat and his shirt and pants," commented
one patient. "He then stood naked in front of [me] and asked me to
comment on his appearance." Leach has stated that he plans to create
the first nude medical clinic in Florida, but complaints by patients have
prompted the board to suspend him, aborting the project prematurely. WASHINGTON
- Who would have ever thought that undergoing treatment for chronic back
pain could be such an orgasmic experience. But a female patient of North
Carolina surgeon Stuart Meloy certainly changed her tune as she received
an orgasm while the doctor placed pain-relieving electrodes in her spine.
The patient was reportedly conscious throughout the operation so she could
help him find the right spot, but when she started shouting it was for
all the wrong reasons. She then told Meloy, "You'll have to teach
my husband to do that." The good doctor is going above and beyond
that step by working on a hand held remote control device that will be
able to trigger an orgasm at the push of a button. The only drawback,
according to Meloy, is that the device is as invasive as a pacemaker and
should only be used for extreme cases."
Soul for Sale on eBay 40-Yr-Old Virgin Named Utah Porn Czar From
the Salt Lake Tribune: Paula Houston is a faithful Mormon, she rarely
watches R-rated movies and she is a self-acknowledged virgin. While these
may be unique, even admirable qualities, some people feel that they are
a liability for Utah's new porn czar. Porn czar is a nickname given to
the state's prosecutor of obscenity law violators. But despite her personal
inexperience Houston says she knows smut when she sees it. In her 15-year
legal career she has already prosecuted five pornography cases. For one
prosecution Houston watched hours of hard-core sex videos, dutifully logging
each detail for a judge. In her new position the virginal prosecutor promises
to wage war on all types of pornography, viewing XXX-rated movies, Internet
porno sites and sexually explicit magazines "for as long as it takes."
Ancient Chinese Relics in Disrepair
If You've Got a 'Big One', This Website's for You There
is a new website being established to lend support to men with large penises.
The website says it caters to those men with large penises, and those
who have been injured by one. The site's home page reassures everyone,
"While it is true that 1.5% of home accidents are caused by large
penis-related incidents, only a small number have ever been known to be
fatal." Wild Turkey Hard on the Furniture MARINE
ON ST. CORRECT, MN - Mary Lou Ayers had a lovely 8-lb. turkey in her house
- and it wasn't even Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, the gobbler wasn't invited.
A wild turkey smashed through an upper-level window of her house Tuesday
morning and wreaked havoc in the bedroom, hallway and computer room. Ayers
said the bird caused several thousand dollars in damage before it was
captured by a sheriff department deputy and a state game warden. "It
was a very tough bird," said Conservation Officer Brad Schultz. Ayers
said her insurance policy won't cover turkey damage. Here's an Ethiopian Who Really Sucks ADDIS
ABABA, Ethiopia - Never underestimate the powers that be or the powers
that wannabe. A healer in Ethiopia was arrested after proclaiming that
he had the power to cure any ailment of a women by sucking their breasts.
The convincing man persuaded three women to pay to have the therapy and
even convinced one husband to let him lick his belly. Drunk Sues Bar in Drinking Contest NORWOOD,
Ohio - Who would have thunk you can get drunk at an "all-you-can-drink"
competition. Apparently not 67-year-old John Remley. He reportedly got
so drunk on his free booze prize that staff at Lieb's Cafe moved him away
from the bar and allegedly left him unattended near some steps. He then
proceeded to fall down the steps, hit his head and was knocked unconscious.
Remley is now seeking $1 million in punitive damages, and an additional
undetermined amount of money in excess for past and future medical bills,
pain and suffering from bar owner for Ron Janus for continuing to supply
him with alcohol. Archaeologists Expose Drinking Penis LONDON,
England - Archaeologists have exposed a "Drinking Penis" at
the Museum of London which was found during a dig in the cities outskirts.
The phallic-shaped cup is believed to date from the late Stuart period
and is being hailed as the only known example of its kind. The cup features
lifelike testicles and an "anatomically correct" opening at
the end. Its original maker also added a small cup above the base and
covered it with floral designs in blue and purple. According to Hazel
Forsyth, curator of museum's late collection, the piece reflected the
period's "rather bawdy sense of humor" but it is also in remarkably
good condition. Breakfast Blow-Job Proves Risky RUSSIA
- A 30-year-old Russian couple will think twice from now on before having
"sausage" with their pancakes. The woman was evidentially performing
oral sex on her boyfriend while he was frying pancakes in their kitchen.
The tragedy occurred when he dropped the cast-iron pan on her head. The
intense pain caused her to involuntarily grit her teeth. As a result,
the man is being treated for severe bite wounds on his penis, while his
partner suffered a concussion. Bizarre Cambodian 'Cure' for AIDS CAMBODIA
- A 47-year-old woman has been arrested in Phnom Penh, the capital of
Cambodia, for allegedly selling cow dung as a cure-all for many illnesses
such as A.I.D.S. According to police, the woman instructed consumers on
how to apply the product. The muck would cure the various illnesses if
the person mixed it with water and then either drank it or sprinkled it
on his or her body. Local journalist Rasmei Kampuchea has further information.
One Cambodian legend relates an instance when the spirits of two brothers
took the form of a person and a cow. According to Kampuchea, the woman
claims she and the "sacred cow" were possessed in this manner. Delivery Boy Mistaken for Stripper TALLAHASSEE,
Florida - A 19-year-old delivery boy thought he was making a routine run
the night he was sent to take a chicken wing order to a hotel. However,
a group of 15 women who were having a party thought differently. Thinking
he was their stripper, the women began groping and fondling his buttocks.
But he wasn't that type of delivery boy. A police officer was later sent
to follow-up on the claim, and the women thought he was the stripper,
too. Re-Defining Sex Education in New Jersey NORTH
BERGEN, NJ - These kids really know how to work and play well together.
A group of 14 and 15-year-old high school students engaged in a game of
"Dare" in their classroom during which acts of oral sex and
fondling took place. Apparently it was a study period and while their
teacher sat at her desk doing paperwork, the group of nine students got
into a circle and did their sex education homework. School officials said
they are concerned that such activity could take place in school - especially
right in a classroom. The teacher has been removed from classroom duty
while an Russian Banana Party Goes Bananas RUSSIA
- The Russian Banana Party has been going a little fruity for years. They
are now backing a policy that makes it Ok to use carrots bananas and other
fruit and vegetables in bed. In Russia, ritualistic intercourse using
what they referred to as a "bone knob" had been previously abandoned.
However, after being informed that HIV could not be transmitted by infected
bananas, the ruling council of the All-Russian Banana Party decided Russians
are now allowed to rightfully use bananas for any purpose. And ironically
enough their mandate into effect on International Women's Day. GHANA
- Perhaps a twenty-three-year old Ghana man should have asked for an intelligence
spell instead. Aleobiga Aberima, was reportedly shot dead by a fellow
villager while testing a magic spell designed by a witchdoctor to make
him bulletproof. After smearing his body with a concoction of herbs every
day for two weeks, Aberima volunteered to be shot to check if the spell
had worked. Aberima died instantly from a single bullet. After the shooting,
villagers began to beat the witchdoctor severely until a village elder
rescued him. Teacher Makes Boys Drink Their Own Urine NARATHIWAT,
Thailand - A teacher in Thailand landed in a "wee" bit of trouble
after admitting she ordered five boys to drink their own urine. The group
of 10 and 11-year-old boys supposedly admitted to Somporn Khunkliang that
they left a urine-filled bottle outside their classroom. The teacher punished
the boys by making them drink the urine. Khunkliang is now under investigation
by education officials and disciplinary action against her has yet to
be announced. Fire-Eater Arrested for Drunk Driving CALIFORNIA
- A California resident has come up with a legitimate reason to test above
the legal alcohol limit for drunk driving. When police officers pulled
over magician Randall Richman, they claim his eyes were bloodshot, he
could barely stand, smelled of alcohol and neglected to carry his license.
A breath test estimated Richman's alcohol level to be twice the legal
limit, but the magician maintains that he had been teaching a fire-eating
class in Hollywood just prior to being stopped. The case will go to court
on April 12, when the 32-year-old will contest the breath test. Richman
will argue that there were three types of lighter fluid detected, not
alcohol. Perhaps by April Richman will come up with an explanation for
the bloodshot eyes... British Woman Regains Sight After Sneezing Fit The
Australian Broadcasting Corporation news desk reports the incredible case
of a blind woman who regained her sight after suffering a prolonged sneezing
fit. 97-year-old Gladys Adamson, who lives near Cambridge, England, had
been almost blind for about five years. For some unknown reason she was
seized by a bizarre sneezing fit, and one morning, the next week, she
stood in front of her bathroom mirror and saw her reflection. A health
care charity, which has been working with Mrs. Adamson for several years,
says it had never known a case like it. Adamson described her sudden recovery
as a miracle. JAPAN
- Here is something that could help the wives and girlfriends with flagellant
partners all over the country. Scientists in Japan claim they have invented
the world's first fart detector. Although you can usually tell when a
particularly aromatic fart has been released, this device has been designed
to let doctors know that patients' digestive systems are working if they
are not capable of communicating. The machine, known in Japanese as "hohi
kenshutsuki," is said to be the size of two tissue boxes and has
a tube that is attached to the inner thigh of a patient. Worm Removed From Woman's Brain SCOTTSDALE,
Arizona - Three years ago, Dawn Becerra went on what was supposed to be
a harmless vacation to Mexico. The Arizona woman has experienced seizures
ever since her return, but she did not know what actually caused them.
The answer came in the form of a worm. When a pork taco she ate caused
another seizure, doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale found a worm
lodged in the patient's brain. They were unable to apply anesthesia because
of the extremely sensitive part of the brain, so she had to stay awake
for the entire six-hour surgery to remove the worm. Though Becerra is
reportedly doing well, the dead worm had caused some damage, and part
of the brain tissue had to be removed as well. Moscow Cops Are Not Looking for Your Car MOSCOW
- If your shiny car ever gets stolen and turns up in Moscow, the city's
vigilant traffic police know just what to do: Give the proud new owner
a permit to drive it. Not that the police condone car theft, they hasten
to add, it's just that the problem with stolen foreign cars was getting
out of hand. And it wasn't fair to penalize Russians because Westerners
are too rich or too lazy to hang on to their cars. "To be honest
with you, we have more important things than just to babysit cars belonging
to Westerners," said a traffic police lieutenant on duty on a major
road, who didn't want to give his name. "I believe that the Westerners
are rich enough to afford a new car if the old one is stolen," he
added. Shark No Match for Angry Woman With Stick NEW
PLYMOUTH, New Zealand - Folks from New Zealand take their fishing seriously.
Take Bev Marshall-Smith, 56, who was fishing with her husband at a beach
on the west coast of New Zealand's North Island. When a large fish chased
her lure into the shallows she picked up a piece of driftwood and charged
in to claim her prize. When the truculent predator refused to expire quietly
Marshall-Smith beat it into submission. It turned out to be a nearly 6-foot
blue shark. "I didn't realize it was a shark. I just went and grabbed
it," she said, "Every time he wrestled I hit him." Unique Pakistani Weightlifter Uses Eyelids PUNJAB,
Pakistan - Eyelids are said to be heavy at times, but rarely do they become
heavy weightlifters. Mahammed Sabir Sipra has trained himself to lift
weights using only his eyelids and challenges anyone to lift more. Sipra
supposedly came across this talent by accident, while applying 'Surma',
a black herbal powder used in Pakistan, to protect his eyes. He accidentally
stuck a needle through his eyelid - and was surprised at the lid's strength.
The idea struck him to lift weights. Sipra warns others "not to try
this at home" because he "doesn't want to become responsible
for any loss to anybody's eyes." Pickled Pachyderms Terrorizing Villages NEW
DELHI, India - In the eastern Indian state of Orissa, over 60 elephants
are experiencing withdrawals. According to an official source, the elephants
are rampaging thought the area, following the waft of homemade liquor.
They run around crazily sniffing for the drink, simultaneously forcing
two dozen tribes people to seek retreat and slumber in treetops. In the
meantime, the elephants have damaged mud houses in their path. The smell
of handia, a local brew made out of rice, has drawn the elephants from
around the area. According to Ashok Meena, Keonjhar District Magistrate,
"Close to two dozen people are staying in the tree-tops with family
members because they re afraid of the elephants. They often take bedding
and food during the night." British Woman Killed While Feeding Sheep A
flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed
her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens
of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike.
The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Stobbs and her
bike over the edge of a vacant 100 foot deep quarry near Durham, in northeastern
England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was
tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.
Her husband is being comforted by friends. Child Disemboweled by Pool Cleaner With
the weather getting warmer and Summer vacation just around the corner,
parents of young children should be aware of an unknown safety hazard.
Over the past few years, children in Australia have been disemboweled
by molded skimmer boxes at the side of fiberglass swimming pools. To a
small child, a pool's skimmer box may look like a potty or seat. But if
a child sits down on it, the immense suction of the pool's filter pump
forms an instant seal between the child's bottom and the edge of the skimmer
box resulting in horrific, and sometimes fatal, injuries. A seven-year-old
girl who was using a motel swimming pool at Bomaderry, near Nowra, received
serious internal injuries and was taken to hospital after part of her
bowel was sucked out by the pool cleaner. Angelina Jolie Wearing Husband's Blood HOLLYWOOD,
California - Just when the Angelina Jolie incest rumors had quieted, the
rebellious daughter of John Voight strikes again. The actress reportedly
showed up at a recent photo shoot with several wounds on her arms. She
allegedly explained that the marks were cuts she made before having sex.
She also reportedly wore a glass pendant containing blood from her actor
husband Billy Bob Thornton. According to the New York Post, Jolie refused
to wear the clothes costumers had chosen forher on the Tomb Raider set.
When she finally conceded, she still refused to remove the pendant claiming,
"This is my husband's blood!" God Speaks and a Vegetable is Created ROSEDALE,
Maryland - One would think God wants us to help the homeless, feed the
poor, become doctors, teachers and more. But not Kenny Carter, 40, who
is an ex-drug dealer and self-admitted pimp. After spending time in jail
and rehabilitation, Carter turned to the church for guidance. During one
service Carter described, "I was crying out in the middle of church:
'Oh, God! Oh, God!' And suddenly I heard an audible male voice that said,
'You will be a vegetable.'" That was all Carter needed to hear and
asked his friend to make him a pepper costume. He created songs and a
vegetable persona called "Peppy the Pepper" and asked his manager
at Super Fresh, where he is a community relations manager, if he could
try it out on the customers. The company loved the idea, and Peppy the
Pepper has been making appearances at different branches ever since. Transsexual Kills Mate by Castration A
Pennsylvanian transsexual allegedly killed her husband by castrating him.
Tammy Lynn Felbaum is being charged with manslaughter, aggravated assault,
reckless endangerment and unauthorized practice of medicine and surgery.
Investigators originally thought her sixth husband died of a drug overdose,
however, the castration was only discovered later. Felbaum apparently
told police that her husband performed the surgery on himself, only intervening
when the operation went wrong and he had signed a consent form. Can I Interest You in a Treadmill for Your Cock? BANGKOK,
Thailand - In the old days, roosters prepared for their big cock fights
by simply racing against one another. Not anymore. Farmer Thaweechai Thongruay
has invented a treadmill specially designed for the little warriors. Each
treadmill is 15 inches wide, 25 inches long and 35 inches high. The roosters'
exercise regimen begins with five to 10 minutes on the treadmill until
they can build their endurance to a desired 30-minute workout. Thongruay
defended his product, saying "Roosters that have been trained on
the treadmills are fully fit. When they get in the ring, their legs are
strong and they never stop the footwork." Cock-fighting is illegal
in many countries including the United States.
Woman Mistakenly Adjusts Wrong Man's 'Package' German Pop Singer Leases Girlfriend to Millionaire GERMANY
- Prostitutes and pimps come in various forms. When German folk pop singer
Christian Anders, 56, found out he needed a liver transplant, he was unsure
how to fund the expense. Thank goodness he had a young girlfriend. Anders
is renting out his girlfriend Jenna Kartes, 20, for a year to millionaire
Michael Leicher. The contracted settlement is for $231,000 with a renewal
option after a year. This sounds like a car lease. Though she was shocked,
Kartes remains accepting and optimistic about the trade. She stated, "I
will sleep with Michael because I love Christian. Perhaps he can afford
a new liver. Why should I feel like a prostitute about it?" Wife Beater Shirts Outrage Women's Groups DALLAS
- The innocuous tank top has earned a bad reputation through such labels
as dago-T, muscle shirt and wife beater. But it is this last misnomer
that has caused a recent controversy. A Web site that sells sleeveless
shirts embroidered with the words "Wife Beater" has come under
attack by domestic abuse agencies who say the retailer encourages violence
against women. The creator of the Web site said he's just using humor
to sell the shirts and accuses women's rights groups of overreacting.
James Doolin told The Dallas Morning News, "I can't do nothing for
them...but convicted wife beaters get a discount with proof of conviction." Vietnamese
Jailed for Sewing Boy's Lips Together Would
You Believe The Kid Did That? British Army Pays for 'Big Uns' LONDON
- In an effort to make a happier, bustier soldier the British army has
paid for a number of its female personnel to have breast enlargements,
the Ministry of Defense said. And it's not even just officers. In one
case, a 27-year-old corporal underwent cosmetic surgery worth $3,600,
courtesy of the armed forces. A ministry spokesman defended the policy,
saying that surgery would only be paid for if there was an overriding
physical or psychological reason to do so. Nasty Ingredients Render Cake Inedible ARIZONA
- Two schoolgirls eagerly volunteered to bake a cake for their Estrella
Mountain Elementary School carnival in Arizona. The good deed was to be
the prize in one of the carnival competitions. But instead of flour, eggs
and sugar the girls used dog excrement, pond water, and laxatives to make
the batter. The girls were nice enough, however, to top the cake with
whipped cream and Snickers bars. Something (probably the smell) must have
alerted officials, and the "treat" was confiscated before anyone
could eat any. The girls were questioned and could be charged with conspiracy
to commit assault. The offending prize was taken to a laboratory for ingredient
analysis. Underwire
Bras Contribute to Lighting Deaths Kenyan Boy Turns Out to Be Kenyan Girl NAIROBI,
Kenya - A teenage boy complaining of stomach pains was taken to a hospital
only to find out that he was actually a girl. The pains he felt were menstrual
cramps. A district medical officer at Meru General Hospital explained
that the 18 year old had a vagina, but did not realize it because of a
membrane covering it. It is unclear if he thought this membrane was a
penis. The boy inherently felt more feminine and subsequently underwent
a sex change operation. Dr. Ogange, the patient's physician, said he and
the family would go through extensive therapy. The boy would only be released
from the hospital after such counseling. This was only the second sex
change operation ever conducted in Kenya. Taipei Policeman Fired for Branding Teenage Girl TAIPEI
- It could be the considered the "Scarlet Letter" of the new
millennium. Officer Feng Te-ming has allegedly branded a schoolgirl on
the breast with the words 'night cat,' which is slang for prostitute.
The two supposedly got together after meeting on the internet. Te-Ming
took the 17-year-old girl to his home, and accused her of being a prostitute
after she took a mobile phone call. Investigators say the officer and
the girl agreed to the branding with a heated steel wire as punishment
if he agreed not to arrest her. Te-Ming has since been fired and has paid
compensation to the girl. Intersexual Bank Robber Sent to Women's Prison PHILADELPHIA
- A judge has ruled that Patricia Colleen McGrath, formerly Richard Patrick
McGrath, who has a penis and D-cup breasts, may be jailed in a women's
prison. McGrath was convicted in February 2000 for twice robbing a bank
in Bucks County at gunpoint. US District Judge Jan DuBois agreed the 66-year-old
should go to a prison medical facility but should be jailed with other
women if ever released from the institution. Defense lawyer Maranna Meehan
argued the intersexual bank robber would be at risk in a male prison,
while prosecutors claims she could be a threat to women because of her
male genitalia. Grouchy
Swan Drags Norwegian Into Lake Mother Turns In 7-Year-Old For Theft BISMARCK,
North Dakota - When a mother in Bismarck realized she was missing money
from a stash left on her kitchen counter, she immediately questioned her
two sons. The seven-year-old fessed up to his crime: he stole $6 for a
Beanie Baby. By way of punishment, the mother turned her son in to the
authorities. Police Lt. Nick Sevart said, "She wanted him cited for
theft, so that is what we did." The boy received a criminal citation
and was released to his mother. The case will wind up in juvenile court.
Sevart explained, "The reason we determine consequences is to help
them avoid this type of trouble in the future." Oregon Millionaire Building His Own Rocket BEND,
Ore - 44-year-old Brian Walker never finished school. In fact, he dropped
out after two semesters of engineering college. But this fact is not keeping
him from building a rocket in his back yard. The self-made millionaire
has already invested $250,000 in his project. The thrust will be produced
by a combination of steam and hydrogen peroxide engines. If all goes as
planned his rocket will take him up to 32 miles, where he will experience
several moments of weightlessness and then begin to fall back toward Earth.
"My whole mission is to show what a person can do on his own,"
says Walker. "If I die, I die. I'd rather die trying this than spend
the next 40 years bitter that I never made Fart Bags Confiscated in Mexico MEXICO
- Now you can't drink the water or play with certain toys in Mexico. The
Federal Attorney General's Office for Consumers banned sales of so-called
Fart Bags and Fragrant Bombs after discovering that they are making kids
sick. The toys reportedly produce a farting sound and a putrid odor when
sat upon. The nation's health secretariat issued a warning that the citric
acid and bicarbonate of soda inside the toys were causing dizziness and
vomiting. An estimated total of 5,000 were confiscated over the past weekend. Doctor
Suspended Over Phone Call in OR Settlement Reached in Penis Amputation NASHVILLE,
Tennessee - In 1998, Arthur C. Tucker Jr. went to Vanderbilt University
Medical Center for treatment for a swollen prostate gland. The doctors
used the Prostatron system which is used to destroy excess prostate cells
with a beam of microwaves, but during Tucker's appointment, something
went terribly wrong. Nurses told him that the pain he felt was normal
when it turns out the catheter may have slipped during the procedure causing
the microwaves to be directed at his penis. His penis was burnt so badly
that he stayed in bed for nearly a month, and then the member still had
to be amputated. Tucker and his wife sued the hospital and EDAP Technomed
Inc., which distributed the device, for $13 million. They reached an out-of-court
settlement this week and the couple is reportedly "satisfied." If You Think Your Salary Stinks... NIZHNI
NOVGOROD, Russia - Hospital workers in Russia have been offered manure
in lieu of their monthly wages. This deal, which is directed at 400 staff
members in Nizhni Novgorod, comes out to six tons of manure for the senior
doctors. This evidentially is not the first time the staff has partaken
in some sort of barter system for their services. They have previously
been paid in meat and butter and a group of loggers were reportedly paid
in tampons for the whole year of 1994. However, the staff members are
terribly offended by this latest offer. Utah Polygamist Has 5 Wives, 30 Children PROVO,
Utah - In order to receive official statehood, Utah outlawed polygamy
over 100 years ago. However, the state government frequently turns a blind
eye on the practice. Enter polygamy poster boy Tom Green. He has simultaneously
had five wives and is being charged with four counts of bigamy and criminal
non-support. One of his wives was only 13 years old at the time of the
union, so Green may consequently face child rape charges, too. According
to local newspapers and court hearings, Green made a habit of marrying
one wife, divorcing her, then marrying the next one, all the while still
living with his previous wives. He is expecting his 30th child from the
group in June. The polygamist believes it is a spiritual practice and
is willing to do jail time for the cause. Man Saved by Nail Through Knee DENMARK
- Jan Madsen was saved from falling to his eminent death by a nail gun
as he worked on his holiday home, near Berlin. The 27-year-old accidentally
fired the nail gun, which shot the pneumatically-driven nail all the way
through his knee and into the wooden support beams. Madsen remained conscious
as emergency crews worked for more than an hour to free him from the roof.
He was then rushed to the hospital where doctors operated immediately.
They say he will suffer no long-term problems from the accident. British Man Nails Head To Plank OLDHAM,
England - A 44-year-old warehouse worker from Oldham, England accidentally
nailed his head to a 15-foot plank. Jimmy McKenzie apparently stood up
without realizing there was a six-inch nail in a piece of wood above him
and was trapped for an hour while fireman sawed down the plank. Fortunately
the nail did not pierce his brain and he was released from the hospital
with minor injuries. Woman Bites Off Testicles of Attacker CHICAGO,
Illinois - In most self-defense classes, the instructor is likely to tell
the students to strike the attacker where it hurts. A 42-year-old Chicago
woman took this sentiment one step further. She bit off the testicles
of a man who sexually assaulted her and took them to the police headquarters
just a short distance away from the attack. Officer Thomas Donegan told
reporters, "During the assault, the female victim got the man's testicles
in her mouth and bit them off." The attacker went to a local hospital,
but reattachment surgery proved futile. The woman was treated at a different
facility. Masturbators 'Doing It' for Charity Masturbators
are picking up "Good Vibrations" all over the country. The Good
Vibration Association has organized a Masturbate-A-Thon as part of National
Masturbation Month. Proceeds will go to sexual health charities all across
the U.S. Registered participants called up their friends and family to
sponsor them per minute of masturbation. According The Good Vibration
Association's website, "sexual pleasure is a birthright" and
their aim is to create a "clearer masturbation conscience."
National Masturbation Month will ends with a celebration at Oakland's
Parkway Theatre in California. Morgue Worker Charged in Photo Shoot YORK,
Pa. - In a chilling tale of inappropriate behavior a morgue employee of
22 years has been charged with taking his own photos of a young woman's
naked corpse. Stewart Flaharty was arrested after pictures of the woman's
breasts and genitals were discovered in his locker. The charge, of all
things, is abuse of a corpse. Radioactive Kitty Litter Causes Stir in Ohio PORTLAND,
Ohio - An 'atomic kitten' sounds like a character from a new video game,
but for people in Portland it was way too real. Radioactive cat urine,
that was later traced to a pet cat that was treated for a thyroid tumor
with the radioactive substance iodine-131, sparked a safety scare at a
nuclear power station. The affected cat litter was among 20 tons of household
rubbish found to have dangerous radiation levels. The rubbish was sent
to Indian Point nuclear power station in New York state for special handling
after setting off alarms. This incident probably could have been diverted
had the pet's owners used the special radiation-proof cat litter that
can be flushed away. Amorous Malaysian Couple Stuck Together IPOH,
Malaysia - Sexual activity can often form a certain bond between a couple,
but it usually doesn't take a medical team to break that bond. This was
not the case for two lovers who got stuck together during sex and had
to be rushed naked to hospital by ambulance. The couple could not pull
apart when the 50-year-old woman became 'abnormally excited' after taking
a sexual stimulant similar to Viagra. The amorous couple reportedly panicked
when they could not disengage themselves and called upon neighbors for
help. The couple then had to be carried to the ambulance like a pair of
"Siamese Twins" joined together at their private parts. Second
Japanese Death Attributed to Platform Shoes Nine-Year-Old Killed by Falling Tombstone A tombstone
fell on a third-grader and killed him during a field trip to a cemetery.
Nine-year-old James Wies appeared to have died of a skull fracture, said
Richland County coroner's investigator Paul Jones. He said the boy jumped
atop the 5-foot-tall tombstone and grabbed it when it toppled backward.
"It was just a freak accident," Jones said. "With the injury
he sustained, and with the way it landed on him, it was definitely fatal.
No one could have done anything." Superintendent Mark Stock said
the boy was on an annual field trip for third-graders to learn about historic
sites in Butler, about 50 miles northeast of Columbus. He said most people
buried in the cemetery had lived during the Revolutionary War. British Toy Firm Markets Invisible Doll LONDON,
England - A toy firm in England is literally making money out of thin
air with its latest doll for children, called Invisible Jim. The action
figure is nothing but an empty packet and is sold around the world by
US firm What-If-Atlas-Got-An-Itchy-Bum Company for a few dollars. The
packaging reads: "Invisible Jim. As not seen on TV." The blurb
goes on: "Batteries not included. A gripping hand would be nice.
Camouflage suit sold separately. Includes other great features - apparently."
Representatives at Trading Standards said this product if perfectly legitimate
because as long as people can see that the package is empty and are still
willing to pay for it, then no laws are being broken. 2000 Pose Nude for Photo in Montreal MONTREAL,
Canada - When New-York based Spencer Tunick, 34, asked for volunteers
to be photographed nude for Montreal's Museum of Contemporary Arts, he
expected about 300 responses. He was ecstatic when over 2000 undressed
for him in 55 degree weather. Tunick's niche is photographs of nude crowds
in urban centers, and his works have been displayed all over the world.
In Montreal, police set up a barrier to keep out clothed onlookers and
supervised the almost hour-long photo shoot. The artist was delighted
as he addressed local newspaper reps and said, "This was the easiest
performance of this scale that I have done...Here people just listened,
they cared about my work and wanted to be part of something original." The First Great Urine Entrepreneur HENDERSONVILLE,
North Carolina - In the great spirit of American entrepreneurship, Kenneth
Curtis created a website called Privacy Protection Services. To combat
routine work drug tests, the owner sells his own urine in kits including
heat packets for the consumer to warm the urine to body temperature. The
sample comes in a pouch supplied with tubing to be taped to the body.
The Service also claims that if used properly, the item can be undetected
by those supervising the test. The court system, however, did not appreciate
Curtis's service, and he was recently arrested. Disagreeing with the charge,
he told CNews: "If you can't sell urine, what can you sell? I don't
sell drugs, I sell urine." One Cup a Day Keeps You Healthy and Gay - Urine, That Is INDONESIA
- An apple a day apparently isn't the only thing that will keep the doctor
away. According to Iwan Budiarso, 68, drinking and bathing in your own
urine can fight the aging process. This urine therapy supposedly can cure
a variety of illnesses, including cancer, as well as restore hair and
reduce wrinkles. The pensioner claims to have used the therapy to help
three previously infertile couples to conceive and says novices should
mix their first few drinks with equal amounts of water. He concluded by
stating that is own personal catchphrase is, "One cup a day keeps
you healthy and gay, three cups a day keeps diseases away, five cups a
day keeps your cancer away." Spanish Zorro-Style Rapist On The Loose SAN
SEBASTIAN, Spain - There is a weird creep on the loose in this scared
city called The Zorro Rapist. His particular peccadillo is shaving an
"M" on his victim's head after committing his crime. But he
is no Zorro look-a-like because he reportedly is short, bald and not at
all dashing like Antonio Banderas. Penis Puppetry Has Locals Bent Out of Shape SWANSEA,
Wales, - The residents of Swansea are conflicted over the upcoming sold-out
presentation "Puppetry of the Penis" to be held at the Grand
Theatre. In the show, two Australians "shape" their genitals
to look like various landmarks and objects. While the show is sold out,
over 400 people have petitioned for the show to be stopped, claiming it
is immoral. Swansea Council's culture secretary Robert Francis-Davies
said, "I know that some people say the show next month is pornographic,
but it has been featured at the Edinburgh Festival and London's West End...People
have the right to go or not go, and if they feel offended they should
stay away." Heinz In Trouble Over Under-filled Ketchup Bottles SHASTA
COUNTY, California - An ounce and a half of missing ketchup was hard for
the Heinz Corporation to swallow. Bill and Marcia Baker discovered their
20 oz bottle of was under-filled by the aforementioned proportion while
baking five years ago. They called the local council which spurred and
a five-year investigation by weights and measures. Officials found millions
of bottles under-filled. The company has agreed to pay Shasta County,
where the complaint originated, $180,000. They also agreed to overfill
the bottles for a year will cost the company an additional $650,000. Pokemon
Responsible for Stabbing of 14-Year-Old Wedding
Stopped Due to Birth Certificate Mixup MAFIKENG,
South Africa - A love struck couple was in the middle of exchanging wedding
vows when officials intervened, claiming the groom's birth certificate
listed him as female. As the wedding was stopped, a stunned silence engulfed
the room. According to "The Citizen" newspaper, the couple must
indefinitely post- pone the ceremony. Rankoa Molefe, the groom, unknowingly
had the birth certificate with the error for 12 years and said the incident
"was terribly upsetting and embarrassing." Molefe must have
a doctor declare him a male before the birth certificate can be changed.
The home affairs minister told the groom the document will be changed,
to which he replied, "It's a relief to be a man again." Bengal
Man Writes With All Four Limbs Canadian Art Class Teaches Masturbation WINNIPEG, Canada
- Teenage girls in Canada who attended a Women in Art course at the University
of Winnipeg were Underground Fire Still Burning After 38 Years CENTRALIA,
PA - Way back in 1961 a small but prosperous mining town in Pennsylvania
was looking for a place to burn its trash. Forgetting the fundamentals
of physics they decided to use an abandoned coal mine. The fire caught
an exposed vein of coal which began to burn underground. Smoke, fumes
and toxic gases soon began to come up though back yards, basements and
streets making the town uninhabitable. Almost 40 years and 40 million
dollars later the fire still burns. Ironically, the drastic approach needed
to contain the mine fire is hampered by a handful of determined residents
who are fighting in court to remain in town among plumes of sulfur and
smoke. British Cop Charged for Flatulent Outburst LONDON -
A British Officer is getting charged with assault with a "deadly"
weapon after allegedly breaking wind during a drug raid and failing to
apologize. A Scotland Yard spokesman confirmed that the Department of
Professional Standards was investigating a charge that an officer broke
wind in the complainants' hallway during a drug raid but did not apologize
to the homeowners. The homeowners complained because they felt that the
officers actions were "rude and unprofessional." Police did
not confirm what discipline the officer might receive if found guilty
of breaking wind. Lizard
Man Slithers Onto the Internet Houston Ambulance Drivers Stop for Doughnuts HOUSTON,
Texas - An ambulance driver caused alarm when he stopped for doughnuts
en route to the hospital with a patient in his vehicle. This event, couple
with several other similar incidences, prompted the Texas Health Department
to begin an official investigation last February into the Houston Fire
Department. The Department was put on a one-year FRANKENMUTH,
Michigan - Bullet proof vests have been around a while, but have you ever
heard of a nail proof bra? Dana Colwell, 31, was cutting the grass at
her Frankenmuth home when a one-and-a-half inch nail shot out from under
the mower and punctured her right breast. Fortunately, she was wearing
her Maidenform padded "liquid-curved" bra, which broke the speed
of the nail enough so it stopped short of her heart. She told reporters
she'll make sure she's wearing the breast-enhancing bra whenever she mows
the lawn in the future. I am sure her neighbors will love to know that
too. Sharon Stone's Husband Attacked by Komodo Dragon LOS ANGELES
ZOO - San Francisco Chronicle executive editor Phil Bronstein was attacked
by a Komodo dragon last week during a visit to the LA Zoo. Bronstein's
wife, actress Sharon Stone, had arranged a private tour of the Zoo as
a Father's Day surprise. The highlight of the day was going to be an up
close visit with one of the giant lizards with which Bronstein has had
a long-time fascination. Bronstein was asked to take off his white shoes
before entering the cage to keep the 5-foot-long reptile from mistaking
them for the white rats it is fed. The strategy did not work as the dragon
lunged for one of his feet and nearly managed to take off Bronstein's
big toe. Doctors were able to rebuild most of the toe. The dragon was
not injured. Japan's Newest Fad - Godzilla Meat TOKYO - Japan's
best-known monster, Godzilla, is coming to stores soon in a convenient
single-serving can. "Godzilla Meat," actually 3.5 ounces of
corned beef from Tokyo toy maker Takara Co., is packaged with pictures
of the giant, fire-breathing monster made famous by Toho movies that started
coming out in the 1950s. "People can eat Godzilla and become energetic
and powerful. It's got dreams mixed in with fun," Takara spokeswoman
Yoko Watanabe said. There are currently no plans to export Godzilla Meat. Goldfish Bowl Causes Toxic Blaze LONDON -
Firefighters in Berlin believe a goldfish bowl may have concentrated the
sun's rays and set fire to a garden shed containing potentially hazardous
chemicals. Tablets of aluminum phosphide stored in the shed released toxic
fumes when firemen tried to dampen them down and 18 firefighters, four
paramedics and four neighbors were taken to a the hospital suffering from
vomiting, nausea and burning chest sensations. Unfortunately, the goldfish
did not survive. |
