KLM Stuffs Squirrels Into Meat Processor

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - After discovering that a cargo of squirrels on one of their flights had been illegally imported from China, KLM Royal Dutch Airlines solved their legal dilemma by stuffing the 440 fuzzy-tailed rodents into an industrial meat processor. KLM has come under considerable criticism for their creative problem solving by animal rights groups, and has since suspended shipments of any rodents, animals caught in the wild or any endangered species.
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Flatulence-Filtered Underwear Invented

DENVER, Colorado - Whoever said charcoal was just for grilling out evidentially never heard of fart-proof underwear. 62-year-old inventor Buck Weimer from Colorado has reportedly designed a pair of airtight undies with a replaceable charcoal filter to remove bad gas before it escapes. Weimer apparently thought up the flatulent fighting invention, which he named Under-Ease, after his wife 'let go a bomb' in bed one night. Buck explained that the removable filter - which looks similar to the shoulder pads placed in women's clothing - is made of charcoal sandwiched between two layers of Australian sheep's wool. They sell for $24.95 over the internet.

NEW YORK, New York - Updating the story on flatulence filtered underwear, Invented by Buck Wiemer of Colorado... Now it seems Mr. Weimer has had a modicum of success for his invention. He has reportedly won an Ig Nobel Prize, which goes to researchers and scientists who have made bizarre contributions to the world. The awards, which are handed out each year by actual Nobel Prize winners, are granted for work that "cannot or should not be reproduced." The underwear has the motto "Wear them for the ones you love," however, Weimer says it is a serious medical product. "While we appreciate the humor - and get a lot of that - we recognize that it's a medical product, and it's for people in need. We believe we're certainly fulfilling a service here," Weimer concluded.

German Madonna Fans 'Putting Out' for Tickets

BERLIN - A German Web site has offered Madonna fans a ticket for a sold-out concert in Berlin next week in exchange for having sex with one of its reporters. The web publisher Bernd Heusinger said 22 readers have already applied for a chance to win the ticket including 12 males, 6 females and 4 homosexual readers. "There's nothing illegal about it," Heusinger said. "No one is being forced to take part." The Madonna concerts in Berlin were sold out within minutes of going on sale in April and went for record prices, by German standards, of up to $110 each.
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Marriages in Turkmenistan Becoming Very Costly

TURKMENISTAN - To combat "dead beat dads" and help his poor nation, Saparmurat Niyazov, the Turkmenbashi (leader) of Turkmenistan, has implemented an aggressive new plan. From now on, any foreigner wanting to marry a Turkmeni woman will have to fork over a $50,000 fee up front. This "payment" is enough to support one child should the husband seek a divorce or desert the family. Some say the new practice is a glowing symbol of thoughtfulness, while others dismiss it as Niyazov's attempt to discourage foreign contact. Either way, that's a very expensive date.
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Not Exactly Turning Lead Into Gold, But...

WASHINGTON - The Department of Energy has authorized an $800,000 grant for scientists to extract productive chemicals from animal feces. The latter generally contains carbohydrates, proteins, fiber, mineral matter, rocks, and more, and researchers hope to use the carbs and protein to make such chemicals as diols and glycols. These chemicals can be used in antifreeze and various types of plastic. In effect, the positive aspects could counterbalance the need for some harmful products like petroleum-based chemicals. The whole process could make money in the long run, as feces cost one to two cents per pound, but extracted chemicals would be worth 20-30 cents per pound.
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Florida Woman Bites Back

TALLAHASSEE, Florida - Margaret Hargrove, 73, was out for an evening stroll with her dog, Alex, when they were attacked by a pit bull. As the ferocious canine clamped its jaws around the young pup's head, Hargrove got down on her hands and knees and bit the pit bull in the back of the neck. The pit bull reportedly let go of the smaller dog and backed off, then bared its teeth at Hargrove, who attacked the dog again. A neighbor soon arrived with a baseball bat arrived to scare off the pit bull. Hargrove needed four stitches in her arm. Her dog also needed stitches.
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If You're Going to Kill Your Wife, Texas is the Place

FORT WORTH, Texas - A man convicted of shooting his wife, then returning to finish her off when he found he had more bullets, was sentenced on Friday to four months in jail after a jury recommended probation. Jurors, who spent more than 21 hours over three days deliberating the punishment, called the decision difficult and emotional but said they believed Watkins acted out of "sudden passion." In a confession used as evidence in his trial, Watkins admitted that he shot his wife Nancy and then her lover, Keith Fontenot, after finding them at his home. Watkins chased Fontenot out of the house and tried to shoot him in the head, but the gun did not go off. Watkins said he drove away, thinking he was out of bullets, then realized his gun had only misfired and that he had more rounds. He then drove back to the house, where he shot his wife to death while she talked to a 911 dispatcher.
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Houston Mother Drowns All Her Children

JUNE 20, 2001 - Andrea Yates, who authorities in Houston say was suffering from severe post partum depression, told police how she methodically drowned each of her five children in a bathtub Wednesday. Yates, a former nurse, told police that 2-year-old Luke was the first child to be drowned, followed by Paul, 3, and John, 5. After each child died, Yates recounted on the videotape, she carried their bodies into a bedroom, put them on a bed and covered them with a sheet. The oldest child Noah, apparently tried to escape and she carried him back to the bathtub and drown him also. Her husband, Russell, who is a computer specialist at NASA, told reporters that postpartum depression had gripped his wife after the birth of their fourth and last children. He also stated that she loved her children very much and obviously wasn't herself at the time. According to Laurence Kruckman, a professor of medical anthropology at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, "Postpartum psychosis, the most severe form of postpartum depression, affects mothers after one or two of every 1,000 births."
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Cookie Monster Attacked at Sesame Place Theme Park

LANGHORNE, Pa - Lee McPhatter's 3-year-old daughter Mina was going to take a picture with the Cookie Monster at the Sesame Place theme park, whether the Cookie Monster wanted to or not. When the woman inside the fuzzy blue suit tried to push the little girl aside, McPhatter supposedly pushed her to the ground and then kicked her in the head and back. People started yelling at him for brutalizing the lovable children's entertainer, but McPhatter says he did not kick or punch the Cookie Monster. That is not the story of actress Jennie McNelis who police say suffered bruised ribs and a cervical sprain.
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70-Year-Old French Woman Clobbered By Stork's Nest

TURKENHEIM, France - You may have heard of stork's dropping babies on doorsteps, but have you ever heard of stork nests dropping on people? A 70-year-old woman was sitting on the terrace of the Restaurant de la tour, in Turkenheim, when the huge nest crashed through the restaurant canopy and onto the victims head. The nest apparently fell from a tower overlooking the restaurant in the historic old city. Two storks and their babies were in the nest, but the police have not given details about their condition. No other humans were seriously injured in the incident.
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62-Year-Old Gives Birth To Her Brother's Baby

FRANCE - A 62-year-old woman caused a commotion in France last month when she became the oldest known woman to give birth.  Back in the news again, the woman claims the father of her baby girl is her brother. The woman, Jeanine, underwent in-vitro fertilization in the United States -- using the egg of an American woman and, reportedly, sperm donated by her 52-year-old brother, Robert. "I could no longer transmit my genetic inheritance because of my age," Jeanine told Le Parisien newspaper. "So I wanted to transmit his, and give birth so our (genetic) line would continue." She told the newspaper she had no regrets about her decision to have a test-tube baby with her brother. "I have not committed any moral error in my pursuit, and I have no problem with my conscience," she told the paper.
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German Housewife Bobbits Her Husband

BERLIN, Germany - Housewife Gerda Niehus must have a Bobbit fascination because recently while sleeping with her husband decided to cut off his manhood. Only she wanted to make sure she never had sex again with him and never wanted him to 'find' his penis. So she flushed the flesh down the toilet. Her husband Hans has been released from the hospital and Gerda is awaiting trial on a charge of assault with intent to commit grave bodily harm.
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German Man Finds His Wife Working the Streets

BERLIN, Germany - Here's one you don't see too often. A German man was making his way to a brothel in the red-light district of Aachen when he caught his wife working the streets as a prostitute. According to police, they needed to break up a rather intense argument that broke out between the couple in the wee hours of the morning.
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Atlanta Man in 17-Hour Stand-off On Construction Crane

ATLANTA - Michael Kelly, 23, put on his best suit and climbed up a 200-foot construction crane last week to hold police and rescuers off for over 17 hours. He spent the day reading a Bible, scribbling notes and, at one point, dropping a blank check into the crowd gathered below. After psychologists failed to talk him down police threw reason to the wind and called Kelly's mother. She also failed to persuade him to surrender. Early on, police feared that the man had a gun and evacuated about 250 workers from the construction site. The reason for the stand-off was not known.
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Canadian Woman Runs Up $5,000 Phone Bill

TORONTO, Canada - Representatives at Bell Canada presented a Canadian woman with a $5,000 phone bill. Dianna Freiesleben from Oshawa, near Toronto, was slapped with the hefty fee after she left her home computer dialed up a work number for more than a week. Freiesleben, who works at home transcribing medical records for a Toronto hospital, says she was completely flabbergasted when she got a call from an "unfriendly" customer service representative at Bell Canada. She reluctantly worked out a monthly payment plan with the telephone company, but says she has "learned a costly lesson."
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Bachelor Party Prank Creates Human Souffles

WILTSHIRE, England - Most bachelor parties consist of drinking, strippers, and last-minute shenanigans. An English groom-to-be and his best man were recent victims of such a stag party prank as they were abandoned on the Warminster bypass in Wiltshire. The two 20-something men were handcuffed together, drenched in eggs, flour, and tomato sauce, and left in the stifling heat. Officers took them to the police station where they could clean up and described the two as having "all the ingredients for a good souffle." They gave the victims directions to the nearest train station and sent them on their way. One police representative said, "Officers did not know what to make of it."
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Woman Burns Down House in Heated Dispute

PANAMA CITY, Florida - A heated dispute got a lot hotter when a woman in Panama City decided to set one of her husband's shirts on fire. Sharon Kirkman's temper was not the only thing flaring when the blaze spread and burned down the whole house. She was charged with arson and her little tirade is estimated to cost approximately $65,000 in damages. According to Don Cieota, an investigator with the state fire marshal's office, their insurance company is not going to cover the fire because it was started by one of the owners.
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Expensive Mussel Research Results Are In

University of Wales - The previously prestigious University of Wales has spent thousands of dollars examining the question whether mussels can suffer panic attacks. Yes, that's right, some professor decided this was an important question to answer so researchers placed dog whelks, which eat mussels, in a tank and monitored the mussels' heart beat. The results? Mussels' heartbeats increased for up to 24 hours even after the dog whelks were removed.
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Teacher Beaten and Firebombed by Irate Students

PATNA, India - Trouble began earlier in the week at a college campus near Patna, the capital of the eastern Indian state. School officials seized books and notes from 18 students about to take an exam, and the students boycotted the test in retaliation. Angry at not being able to cheat, a group of students later attacked veterinary college principal Mani Mohan Prasad. They threw gasoline bombs at his car, and the professor suffered burns to 30% of his body. According to police, the students on motorcycles were armed with everything from hockey sticks and knives to revolvers and petrol bombs. Prasad said, "The students rained hockey sticks on me. I then managed to extricate myself and got in the car, but the car was also attacked by the marauders with petrol bombs." Two students were arrested, and the school was closed indefinitely.
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Thai Woman Claims Son Reincarnated as Lizard

NONTHABURI, Thailand - When Chamlong Taengniem's 13-year-old son died in a motorcycle accident, she had no idea he would revisit her. As a lizard. The mother claims a lizard followed her home after her son's cremation and sleeps in his mattress and drinks his favorite drinks. Flocks of people have journeyed to the woman's home to catch a glimpse of the lizard, even stroking its stomach in the hopes of finding clues to future lottery numbers. Out of respect, people left gifts for the lizard as well. People in Buddhist nations generally believe in reincarnation and a spirit's life after death.
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Foot Fetishist at Large in Pittsburgh

PITTSBURGH - It appears that a mystery attacker in Pittsburgh may have had some sort of foot fetish after he stopped woman on the street to sniff her shoe and lick her foot. The woman claims she was walking in the town square when a man grabbed her leg, fell to the ground and began sniffing her shoe. The publicity surrounding this latest attack reportedly encouraged another victim to come forward. The second woman, who was attacked last Autumn, said her experience was exactly the same. "The only thing I could do was get my foot out of my shoe and then I ran away. I looked back and he was just lying in the mud with my shoe," she concluded.
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Norwegian Rocking Horse Castrated

FREDRIKSTAD, Norway - I shudder to think of what two thieves had on their minds when they maliciously tore the three foot penis off of Norway's largest rocking horse. The giant toy reportedly was stripped of its manhood at its home, a scout camp in Fredrikstad. Police are still searching the area for two men that were said to have been acting suspiciously in the area. The masculine horse, which was formerly known as Baldor, has since been give the female name Haldis since its unfortunate castration.
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You Don't Want to be Caught Dancing in Iran

TEHRAN, Iran - You thought your parents were strict. Fifty Iranian men and women between the ages of 18 and 25 were rounded up by police for dancing at a party together and were later flogged after a court found them guilty of depravity. The government-run daily newspaper Iran reports that the party-goers received 30 to 99 lashes after they were arrested last weekend in an apartment in an upper-class district in northern Tehran. The paper quoted the judge as saying that the group was celebrating the birthday of the daughter of the landlord when they were caught dancing together. Mixed parties are banned in Iran on religious grounds and penalties include fines, whipping and prison terms.
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Los Angeles Set to Tax Satellites

SACRAMENTO - County officials in Los Angeles have set their sights on plans that are truly out of this world. Los Angeles County Assessor Rick Auerbach is reportedly trying to impose property taxes on several satellites that are hovering approximately 22,300 miles above the equator. The $100 million satellites, which are owned by the Los Angeles County-based company Hughes Electronics, are expected to bring in millions of dollars a year in taxes. The idea has apparently sparked a debate "more cosmic than most in the annals of property taxation." But according to Auerbach, "satellites are no different from other movable personal property that he has authority to tax--like boats or construction equipment."
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Heated Underwear for Menstrual Relief

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - How do you spell relief? Swedish inventor Per Wallin hopes menstruating women all over the world will use heated underpants to spell relief. According to Wallin, these garments use chemical pads which generate their own heat and stay warm for up to an hour before they need to be replaced. This warmth provides pain relief as an alternative to painkillers. The hot pants recently won a local innovation prize in southern Sweden, making the invention a candidate for a $37,000 Swedish crown national scholarship. Wallin says he is now looking for an investor to manufacture these underpants on a large scale.
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Swedish Drink Claims to Enlarge Breasts

COMING TO A BAR NEAR YOU - A new Swedish soft drink that claims it can increase the size of a woman's breasts will soon hit American stores. The gold-colored drink is called "Wunder Titte" - German for "Wonderful Breasts." A spokesman for importer Nordic Drinks says women who drink the tonic for at least four months can expect to increase their busts by up to one full cup size. The drink contains special herbs that supposedly stimulate female hormones. It will sell for about $3 per 8-ounce can -- mostly in health food stores, bars and night clubs.
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Look Before you Pee...

COLOMBIA - A man was working in a Colombian field when he realized he had to urinate. He was relieving himself behind a nearby bush when a Mapana Tiger snake leapt up and bit his penis. Alarmed by his frantic screams, his wife rushed him to the hospital. The victim received anti-poison drugs and is currently recovering. A doctor said, "He's very luck to have survived the accident as that kind of snake is very dangerous."
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Fake Fetus Causes Quite a Stir

MADRID - A passer-by in the south Spanish town of Armilla found what he thought was a three-month-old fetus on a the sidewalk. Emergency services took it to a local hospital where two doctors, who gave it a preliminary examination, immediately suspected an illegal abortion. They alerted the police who began a search for the mother. It wasn't until the doctors started an autopsy two days later that they discovered the fetus was a doll. "It was a very real looking doll, covered in liquid," a police spokesman said. "It looks like a joke in very bad taste."

Couple in Coffee House Injured by Falling Cow

ANKARA, Turkey - Ethem Sahin was inside a coffee house having an espresso when witnesses say a cow fell through the roof knocking him unconscious. "My friends told me later what happened. I couldn't believe it," Sahin told reporters. Sahin's wife was just as astounded. "They told me that a cow fell on top of my husband. I thought they were kidding me. May God protect us from a worse accident." Apparently, the cow wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. Sahin was treated for minor injuries including a broken leg. The cow was mostly unharmed.

Don't Forget to Feed Your Clothes

In what may well be the most disgusting scientific development since the fecal enema, Biotechnologists at the University of Massachusetts are experimenting with fibers implanted with a strain of Escherichia coli that will consume dirt and human sweat - living clothes that clean themselves. When the food runs out, the bacteria can be reactivated with nutrients, they hope. For the self-cleaning shirt, it means you would only have to wear the garment and sweat it up a little in order bring the bacteria back to life. "You could end up having to feed your shirt instead of wash it," one researcher told the British weekly.
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69-Year-Old-Man Has Toothbrush Lodged in Rectum

GREAT BRITAIN - A toothbrush was used to relieve a different "cavity" when a pensioner decided to use the dental instrument to scratch his hemorrhoids. The 69-year-old man ordered into the hospital after the toothbrush became lodged in his rectum. An X-ray revealed it was deep inside near his pelvis. Although this was first recorded case of a toothbrush having to be removed from the rectum, the British Dental Journal reports doctors have recovered toothbrush holders, toothbrush packages and toothpicks in the past.

Pious Portuguese Pup Packs 'em In

LISBON, Portugal - Preta the pooch never misses a Sunday service at her local Catholic church. Every Sunday morning at 5:00, the dog leaves her owner's house in the small town of Sobrado and trots to the neighboring village of Ermesinde for church, about eight miles away. Preta saunters right up to the church's chancel and lies down by the side of the altar. When the congregants rise for the Kyrie or the Gospel lesson, so does she. When they sit down, she'll stretch out on the stone floor again. The church is routinely packed to capacity because everyone wants to see the famous parishioner.

Man Cuts Off Own Arm to Avoid Being 'Baled'

ROBBINSDALE, Minnesota - A 34-year-old Minnesota farmer risked life and limb, literally, after he was pulled into a hay baler. Jarrod Wagner was removing a clump of hay from the twin rollers in the machine when his left arm got caught and he felt himself being dragged in. He used a metal piece from his headset as a crude saw to amputate his own arm. Wagner told reporters, "It was kind of sucking my whole body in, so I figured, well, it was either my whole body or my arm." Hospital officials say that the arm was recovered, however, it was too mangled to be reattached. Wagner is in fair condition after the incident.

Be Careful What Bus You Take in Zimbabwe

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Verifying an Insurance Claim the Hard Way

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
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Devil-Worshipper Charged in Grave-Robbings

BRAINTREE, Mass. - Police in a town just south of Boston received a tip that George Picard, 34, had allegedly stolen items from his upstairs neighbor. When they searched Picard's apartment, they found several alarming objects including a skull, bones, a brain and a fetus in jars - as well as occult paraphernalia. Picard has been charged with grave-robbing and drug possession. Police Lt. Russell Jenkins told a local newspaper that the man is suspected to be involved in devil worship, and neighbors said he had "mental problems." The skull allegedly was stolen from a nearby cemetery, while the fetus and brain apparently were stolen from the New England Medical Center in Boston, where Picard had worked as an electrician.

How About Getting Married on the Deck of the Titanic?

13,000 FEET BELOW SEA-LEVEL - A New York couple plans to be married aboard a mini submarine perched on the sunken remains of the Titanic, some 2.5 miles beneath the Atlantic Ocean. Groom David Leibowitz won a competition offering a dive to the Titanic organized by British diving company SubSea Explorer. It seemed perfectly natural to him to ask his fiancée to go down with him and exchange their vows on the deck of the doomed liner. The expedition is said to cost $560,000. The bodies of 1,500 people are still on board the ship.

Contortionist Gets a Little Wrapped-Up in His Work

LONDON - Talk about getting wrapped up in your work. Berkine, a Netherlands National Circus performer reportedly got his right foot stuck on his left shoulder while rehearsing for a show in Gillingham, southeastern England. "I think the problem was that I did not warm up very well," stated the 21-year-old contortionist from Kazakhstan. And according to circus producer Chris Barltrop, Berkine's co-workers ignored him at first because they just thought it was part of the act. They finally noticed he was being serious and came to his aid.
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Truly Weird Performance Art in Berlin

JULY 19, 2001 - Sometimes some of the most truly morbid and bizarre events take place for the sake of art. Austrian-born Wolfgang Flatz proved this point when he dropped a bloody, headless bull from a helicopter in central Berlin. Before the bull fell about 130 feet to the ground, Flatz hung motionless from a crane -- naked and bleeding -- with his arms out-stretched cross-like as industrial music blared at a factory construction site. Hundreds of onlookers crowded nearby to watch, sometimes applauding and whistling, and protesters passed out fliers decrying the world hunger problem. According to Flatz, the performance was aimed at getting people to think about how they associate with nature.

The Wedding Night Gets a Little Too Hot

ANDRIASU, Romania - Some issues should have been "ironed out" before the wedding takes place. Mircea Stoleru learned this the hard way after his 18-year-old wife burned him with a hot iron because he fell asleep without making love to her. The young woman apparently was not too pleased and decided to heat things up a bit by scorching her husband on the right shoulder with the heated appliance. Stoleru told reporters, "This should serve me right. I knew what I got when I married such a young and beautiful wife, and I never get home sober."

Critter Tossing Taken to a New Level

SHROPSHIRE, England - You may have heard of potato guns and pumpkin launchers, but have you heard of carcass catapults? A man has been criticized by the RSPCA for hurling dead animals using a 60ft high sling made from pine trunks. Huw Kennedy is known worldwide for his reconstruction of medieval siege engines. He usually uses these devices to throw derelict cars and old pianos, but has recently moved on to flinging dead horses, cows and pigs. Apparently this carcass flinging draws quite a crowd. According to Kennedy, "Not all of them burst on impact - but when they do, the local kids love paddling in the guts." An RSPCA spokesman rebutted Kennedy's remarks saying, "This kind of thing hardly promotes a responsible attitude to animals and implies they are disposable for entertainment.
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Parents Auction Right to Name Their Child

NEW YORK - Jason Black and Frances Schroeder are in the process of looking for a corporate sponsor to name the baby boy that they are expecting. "The exposure that it could bring to a business is potentially huge, and we think it would be well worth the investment on their part," Black explained. The expectant couple has put the naming rights up for auction on both eBay and Yahoo!, at a minimum bid of $500,000. The ads were posted July 18 and will run through July 28. So far, there have been no bidders, but they plan to extend their offer.

Injured Swan Received Bionic Bill

AMROTH, Wales - Sampson the swan's bill was severely damaged when someone attacked the bird with a bottle. Maria Evans, who runs a bird rescue center, adopted the swan and struck on an ingenious plan to save it. She asked Dentist Ed Hannaford to create a plastic bill of sorts for the swan so he would not have to eat from a tube for the remainder of his days. Hannaford spent over 100 hours building the first-ever bionic beak, fitted perfectly for Sampson. The creation was a success as eight-year-old Sampson was eating and kissing his mate just an hour after the fitting. Evans said, "It is a miracle. Sampson is now fighting fit."

Horny Ghost Running Amok in Zanzibar

ZANZIBAR ISLAND, Africa - Rumor has it there is a sexually aggressive ghost that attacks people while they are asleep. The ghost goes by the name of Popo Bawa and people say he prefers to visit sleepers while they are in their own beds at home. Popo's presence is said to be revealed by an acrid smell and a puff of smoke. Women, however, are less concerned about this super- natural threat than the local men because this particular spirit has a preference for men, many of whom have reported being sodomized while they were asleep.

Naked Skydiving Stunt Wins Him a New Car

SOUTH AFRICA - Kids, don't try this at home! James Reilly, 36, has won a new car after skydiving naked with a stick of deodorant bound by tape to his genitals. Reilly won first prize in  a radio competition for the wackiest act and will receive a Peugeot 206 for his efforts. According to Reilly, "For three minutes of coldness, it was worth it.

Czechoslovakian Ad Campaign to Stop Prostitution

CZECHOSLOVAKIA - The mayors of several Czech towns have planned an aggressive ad campaign targeting women shoppers in Austria. A highway traveling north through the Czech Republic is flanked by prostitutes, and the mayors estimate that over 95% of the customers are Austrian men. This new billboard ad campaign will instruct the Austrian wives who shop in the Republic to stop their husbands from illegally cavorting with the prostitutes. Mayor of Dolni Dvoriste, Emil Ruzicka, said "Many Austrian women come shopping here, so they'll see these posters." Deputy mayor of Kaplice Jan Kozojed said, "If we can stop the demand from the Austrian side, then the supply of prostitutes will also stop."
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A Job That Stops Just Short of Sucking
Source: The Straits Times

"When I was at college, I never thought I'd end up affording an orangutan personal relief by hand every  morning," Mr. Binatang told reporters as they followed him on his daily rounds at the Singapore Zoological Gardens. "And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed on the neck first."

In between visits to the various cages, the curator of the zoo's sperm bank explained how he conducts his unusual profession. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have a 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm then. Each animal is different. The polar bears finish rather quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most 'teruk' of all, because of the sheer size of its thing. Sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral, like that Quasimodo or something, except it all ends in a snow scene."

After rubbing massage oil onto his rubber gloves, Binatang briefly disappeared into the orangutan enclosure, where the resident was lying expectantly on his back, sporting a huge erection. When he emerged, he confessed that "as you  might expect, this job is really ruining my sex life. I can't help it. These ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."

Lai Jee Seow of Wildlife Reserves Singapore also acknowledged that changes needed to be made to the zoo's semen collection procedures. "It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to help them. Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex."
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6-Year-Old Killed in Freak MRI Mishap

JULY 27, 2001 - Michael Colombini, 6, reportedly died after undergoing an MRI exam at a New York-area hospital after the machine's powerful magnetic field jerked a metal oxygen tank across the room and crushed the child's head. Authorities say the force of the device's 10-ton magnet is about 30,000 times as powerful as Earth's magnetic field, and 2000 times stronger than a common refrigerator magnet. The canister apparently fractured the skull and injured the brain of the young patient. The routine imaging procedure was performed after Colombini underwent surgery for a benign brain tumor last week. The hospital's president and CEO, Edward Stolzenberg, said in a statement, "The medical center assumes full responsibility for the accident. Our sorrow is immeasurable and our prayers and our thoughts are with the child's family."
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Lie Down With Trash and You Wake Up in...

GEORGIA - An Alabama woman picked the wrong place to take a little snooze. Theresa Moorer, 29, fell asleep on a mattress by a garbage can and woke up in a landfill site in Georgia. Luckily, a worker at the site saw Moorer's leg poking out of a pile of furniture that was due to be crushed by a compactor. Representatives of the site say she would have been buried under a mountain of rubbish and a thick cover of earth if she hadn't been spotted. Moorer told police she has no recollection of why she crawled in the bin in the first place.

Cat Man Pursues Fur Implants

SAN DIEGO, California - The person who legally goes by the name "Cat Man" is close to reaching his lifetime goal. Over the last 20 years, Cat Man (formerly Dennis Smith) has spent more than a quarter of a million dollars trying to look like a tiger. He has his entire body tattooed with orange and black stripes, and his teeth have been filed down to a needle point. According to a local publication, the Cat Man now wants fur implants from actual tiger pelts attached to his skin. He is quoted as saying: "When I have the coat of a tiger, I feel I will have reached my goal in life."

Plucky Bride Returns to Wedding After Being Shot

ZONGULDAK, Turkey - Festivities got off to a bang when a bride was reportedly shot with an air rifle by a relative at a party before her wedding. Aynur Tayoglu, 22, was taken to the hospital with several air rifle pellets lodged in her stomach. Five other family members were also injured at the party. The doctors agreed to postpone surgery to remove the pellets after her future father-in-law refused to set another date for the wedding, saying that many relatives had traveled a long way for the festivities. Tayoglu was said to have returned to complete the wedding and even danced with her new husband Mutlu Yalcinkaya despite her wounds.
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A Very Expensive Shave

BEIRUT, Lebanon - Sami Shour may have been looking to get a free shave when he traded a half share of his $3.30 lottery ticket to his barber, but when the ticket won $134,000 Shour was as good as his word. The construction worker and his barber, Abu Fares Tafla, split the prize money for $67,000 each.
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Couple Hijacks Plane, Crashes in Gulf

MIAMI, Florida - Violence erupted in the 'very friendly skies' when an elderly couple tried to hijack a charter plane to Cuba. The unidentified couple hired the small plane on the pretext of having sex in sky. The pilot reported that once in the air the couple attacked him in an attempt to hijack the plane to Cuba, and during the struggle the plane plunging into the sea about 40 miles south of Key West. The pilot survived, the couple did not. Authorities say the plane may have gone down in water up to 3,600 feet deep. The charter company advertises "Mile High Club" tours specifically for people who want to have sex in a plane.
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Egyptian Man Married Over 200 Times

CAIRO - If he doesn't make it into the Guinness Book of World Records Mustafa Semeda should at least get a merit badge for his efforts. The Egyptian musical agent has tied the knot over 200 times. Published reports indicate that Mustafa Semeda sought a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records and thought that becoming repeatedly married would be just the way to do it. Semeda says he first got married in 1947, that was 202 wives ago. Marrying that many times, though, is somewhat easier in Egypt, where a man can have up to four wives at a time. Semeda says he's still looking for true love. His last wife just left him.
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Beer Saves Shipwreck Victims

OSWEGO, New York - Four men spent 17 hours in Lake Ontario clinging to an empty beer cooler after 5-foot waves capsized and sank their fishing boat. The men headed out on the lake in a 19-foot fishing boat last Tuesday after work. They were already several miles offshore when the waves struck. As the men tried to stay afloat in the rough water, their beer cooler emerged from the waves, and they clung to it. "If the cooler hadn't come up, we would have died," said survivor Todd Wafer. Joe Stewart and his wife who live on the lakeshore heard their faint cries early Wednesday morning and took their boat out to rescue the men. All four men were treated for sunburn, dehydration and heat exhaustion.
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Female Ghost Most Popular Attraction at Library

EVANSVILLE, Indiana - Girls who spend all their time in the library are not often the most popular, but that rule doesn't apply to one particular denizen of historic Willard Library near downtown Evansville. For the last sixty years numerous members of Willard staff have reported seeing a ghostly "Lady in Grey" or witnessing weird happenings among the shelves. However, the popularity of this fickle apparition, and the library itself, has skyrocketed recently due to a "Ghostcam" that has recently been installed. Pictures are posted on the Evansville Courier newspaper's Web site every 30 seconds, and amateur ghost busters can search for the Willard Library ghost online. Traffic is said to have gone up by 40 percent. You can check it out for yourself at www.Courierpress.com. 
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Man Drowns in Cat's Water Bowl

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Evidently this man's cat had no lives to spare for him. Peter John Robinson, 28, reportedly died after slipping on a piece of ice and drowning in Piper the cat's water bowl where he landed. According to Robinson's mother, Gill, he apparently hit his head after slipping on ice and fell face first in the dish. The inch-and-a-half of water in the bowl was just enough to cover his mouth and was taken into his lungs. It was later revealed that Robinson had a balance problems from being born with only one ear.

Semi-Nude Hotel Guest Amuses Staff

RUSTON, Louisiana - A Best Western hotel clerk was on the phone and didn't notice when a man approached the counter. He was wearing a bright orange shirt, but the clerk thought nothing of it as he questioned her about Best Westerns in nearby states. As they conversed, property owner Becky Shinn left the office area and headed for the lobby to leave and run errands. But she didn't make it that far. She turned back to the office after reaching the lobby and quickly took the clerk aside. It turns out the man was wearing the shirt and nothing else - he had left his clothing outside the hotel's main doors. By the time the women were done laughing, the man had fled the scene.

Spitting Bullets - For Real

MOBILE, Alabama - George Rome of Mobile, Alabama can. Rome was shot twice in the head at his towing shop over the weekend when a customer was upset about his car being impounded. Miraculously, neither shot was fatal. According to Rome, he felt something moving around in his mouth and thought it was a tooth. When he spit, it turned out to be a bullet. Rome now hopes that the cops will give him back the bullet -- so he can make a necklace

Father and Son Reunited in British Taxi

LONDON - A taxi driver has found the son he last saw 34 years ago -- as a fare in the back of his cab. The chance reunion came when Barry Bagshaw, 61, picked up a fare at a motel near Brighton in southern England. A short time into the journey, the woman accompanying the man in the back spotted the driver's ID and noticed he had the same last as her boyfriend. His son Colin, 39, who was about to leave the area for good, thought his father was dead -- even though they found they lived just streets apart. Barry, who has another son and a daughter, lost touch with his children when his marriage broke down while he was serving in the army in Hong Kong.
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New Children's Book Gets the 'Bum's Rush'

MELBOURNE - New children's book "The Day My Bum Went Psycho" was reportedly rejected from an annual campaign to inspire children to read and write because the cover contains a picture of a child's backside. Publishers Pan MacMillan and the book's Melbourne-based author Andy Griffiths said they were told federal Education Minister David Kemp. "A big part of why I write is to hook kids into the world of imagination. Maybe (Dr Kemp) needs to come round with me on a few school visits and see what really does engage children," snapped Griffiths. Kemp retorted by insisting it was not him, but his department which took offence at the action adventure novel featuring a hapless Zack Freeman, a character who fights kamikaze bums like the Stenchgantor and the Great Unwiped Bum in order to rescue his own renegade bum.
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Doctor Performs His Own Vasectomy

WEST SUSSEX, England - Jonathan Heatley, 45, reportedly gave himself local anesthetic and personally performed his own vasectomy with a scalpel, while a nurse and his wife stood by in case of a mishap. Heatley, who has three sons, aged 12, 14 and 16, told reporters he had already performed three 'snips' that morning and decided to become number four. He admitted the operation made him sweat a bit and his only worry was making sure he was properly numb while he carried out the operation.
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Radio Promotion Pulled Offering Free Casket

CINCINNATI, Ohio - A promotion offering Cincinnati's 100th shooting victim a free casket has been pulled off radio airwaves recently. The management of WLW Talk Radio has decided to stop running the ads which had aired about half a dozen times the previous week. Radio Station Operations Manager Darryl Parks said, "These promos were on the air to get people's attention back on stopping the violence." He went on to say there was no actual contest, and it was a satire of the sad state in Cincinnati. Parks indicated, though, that public response to the ads was "pretty much split evenly."
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Magnetic Stimulation Foolishness

SAN FRANCISCO, California - 45-year-old suspect, Harold White, has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city. He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet.
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Homeless Man Killed by Pack of Guard Dogs

AUGUST 3, 2001 - The remains of homeless man José Manuel Urra, had to be identified by family members after the Doberman guard dogs of a Chilean factory ate the lower half his body. According to Urra's brother, the dogs had eaten everything below his waist leaving only the leg bones. The dogs now face being destroyed, while the man's family have announced legal proceedings against the Santiago furniture company that owns the seven dogs. Urra's mother, who hasn't been named, told reporters, "My son had nowhere to live, and he had no job or anything. Guarding a property is one thing, but eating people alive is much too much." According to Veterinary scientist Luis Tello, "Dobermans are guard dogs, and in this case they saw the tramp as their legitimate prey. These dogs were deliberately bred to be aggressive and to protect their territory."
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Amsterdam's Solution to Stolen Cell Phones

Police in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, sick and tired of cell phone thefts, have launched a new weapon against the culprits.

As soon as thefts are reported, stolen phones are sent a Short Message System text message every three minutes noting "This device is stolen. Purchase or sale is an offense," and signing the note "the police."

A police spokesman admitted "the idea is to drive the thieves mad" and make the phones virtually unusable.
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Shakespeare In The... Toilet

LONDON - A British theater company is putting on a run of Shakespeare's plays in an old Victorian toilet. The Bog Standard Theatre Company spent three years and $6,475 converting the facilities into a 12-seat venue with a tiny stage in the western English town of Malvern. "Shakespeare said all the world's a stage so I guess that includes toilets," said the troupe's Dennis Neale. "Ironically we don't have room for a loo - the audience have to run across the road to public ones."
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Girlfriend Rips Off His Testicles 

PICKERING, Canada - A woman ripped off her boyfriend's testicles during a tiff after he came home drunk from his birthday celebration. According to police, the woman got hold of Barrington Wynn's testicles and pulled so hard she tore them from his scrotum. Later reports stated that the damage was not as extensive as first thought and the genitals were able to be reattached. Philip Klotz, a urologist at St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto, was amazed by the incident. "It must have been one hell of a pull," he said. "I've never seen anything like it and I've been in practice for 50 years." In the most bizarre twist, Wynn said he does not want to press charges. "How can I be angry at my [girlfriend]? People fight; and that's reality."
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Sex Change for Chicago Principal a Shock

WILMETTE, Illinois - As some suburban Chicago students head off for school this year, they will be confronted with a radical change - their principal, Donald Reed, is now Deanna Reed. Reed's sex-change operation was announced at the last minute, causing quite a shock for parents and students. The school held several closed-door meetings with the parents and principal, and after one such encounter, Janet Stowell told the Chicago Sun-Times, "I'm very unhappy about the timing. The parents were given very late notice. Obviously Dr. Reed knew earlier what his (her) situation was going to be." Some parents suggested the principal start over at a new school, and others expressed discomfort at trying to discuss this new change with their children. The school has hired a clinical psychologist to help teachers explain the matter to the students.
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Clear Signs of Death Not So Clear After All

TEL AVIV, Israel - After Shoshana Gelfend, 86, was found in her apartment with no heartbeat, not breathing and cold, a doctor pronounced her dead. He said she met "the clear signs of death," so Gelfend was taken to a cemetery in Herzlia north of Tel Aviv for pre-burial Jewish rites. As workers prepared to bury her, however, they discovered she was actually still living. She was immediately taken to a hospital. A spokeswoman said Gelfend remains unconscious and in intensive care.
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Pentagon Says Missing H-Bomb Not a Problem

PENTAGON - If you do not know the exact location of something as powerful as say...a lost HYDROGEN BOMB, but you never actually recovered it, how can you say it is safe? This is what Pentagon officials are saying about a 3450kg explosive that has supposedly been lying off the coast of Georgia since February 5, 1958. The bomb was reportedly lost after being jettisoned from a damaged B-47 Stratojet bomber during a training exercise. Documents re- veal the search was called off when another hydrogen bomb was accidentally dropped near Florence, South Carolina. Officials claim the bomb is safe because the detonator had been removed. This has been challenged by former servicemen and residents, who have discovered documents stating it was armed. Mayor Walter Parker summed it up best by stating: "It's in the best interest of everybody that it be found to determine what condition the weapon is in."

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