Auctioning Off A Bride on The Internet

LONDON - A British woman is offering her hand in marriage - for a price. Kay Hammond, 24, says she's just too busy to find a date, so she placed an online ad reading ,"Kay Hammond, Internet entrepreneur, looking for a husband." She says she's found a mate, or possibly two. The two men have agreed to pay her a $350,000 "reserve" price. Hammond says she'll meet with them both, after background checks, and then marry the highest bidder. She currently knows the men only by their Internet sign-on names. A spokeswoman says Hammond is "absolutely determined to go through with" the marriage.
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Overweight Prostitute Crushes Client

PEORIA, Ill. - 20-year-old Rachael Thompson was a prostitute who catered to men who like their women on the robust side. Pushing 190 lbs she was well-suited to her chosen profession. Last year, after providing service to 49-year-old Shiraz Jamsa, the client tried to skip on the bill. Thompson wrestled him to the ground and sat on his 115 lb frame while trying to dig his wallet out of his pants. He subsequently suffocated from the pressure. Last week a Circuit judge gave Thompson the maximum penalty for involuntary manslaughter.
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Lost Wallet Returned - From Japan

CORVALLIS, Ore. - Jason Powell figured he would never see his wallet again. Imagine his surprise when the wallet showed up in the mail, sent all the way from Japan. Powell lost the wallet in the fields at the Oregon grass farm where he works. Apparently the wallet was picked up in combine, baled along with the straw and exported to Japan. A Japanese farmer found the wallet and returned it, complete with the six bucks inside, credit cards and Powell's driver's license. Powell says he was "shocked."
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Indian Woman Breastfeeding a Monkey

INDIA - An Indian woman is breastfeeding a baby monkey found abandoned by its mother. Namita Das says she was spurred to suckle it by a combination of maternal and religious feelings. She recently gave birth after many years of trying for a baby and felt the need to save the animal because she is a devotee of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman. The monkey was found almost dead by her woodcutter husband in a forest clearing. Local school teacher Ballabh Saha said: "We can't help feeling touched by her concern for the monkey. It's like she believes it is her own child."
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Infant Miraculously Survives Car Crash

LINCOLNTON, Pa. - While cruising down Route 73, Guadalupe Nieto Espinosa turned around to feed a bottle to her 3-month-old girl in the back seat. While dealing with the baby she didn't realize the car was drifting into opposing traffic. When she tried to jerk the wheel back to the right at 55 mph the car overturned twice, ejecting the baby - minus her car seat - through the window. By miracle or bizarre circumstance the baby sailed through the air, across the road, and landed without a scratch. A witness found the baby lying on her back in the mud, crying, but with no apparent injuries. Espinosa and her 2-year-old son, in the seat behind her, had minor injuries.

Man Vs. Mother-in-Law = Nasty Bite

ROMANIA - To the dismay of his mother-in-law, a Romanian wanted to leisurely listen to his music, but she was afraid he would wake the children. What's a mother-in-law to do? Bite the offending party, of course. As their taunts escalated, he grabbed her neck and she, in return, bit his hand. According to doctors, she damaged some of his tendons. "A human bite can be dangerous because one person's germs may be very harmful to another," the doctor explained. Neither party has pressed charges.

Don't Gimme No Lip or I'll Bite it Off

BOSTON - A man was sentenced to five years probation Monday for biting off his wife's lower lip during an argument over a party he wanted to attend. Cator Lewis-Charles, 36, of Boston, pleaded guilty in Superior Court to mayhem. The argument Jan. 2, 1998 at the couple's home escalated into pushing and shoving. Lewis-Charles grabbed his wife and bit her lower lip, tearing it from her face, said prosecutors. Lewis-Charles called 911 and his wife's lip was retrieved and re-attached. The couple continues to live together with their two sons.
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Karaoke Proves Fatal in Philippines

MANILA, Philippines - A Filipino man was shot and killed and his friend wounded outside a karaoke bar after they jeeringly applauded a student singing Frank Sinatra's "My Way." The 21-year-old student reportedly felt insulted when the two men sarcastically applauded, and a brief fight ensued inside the premises until the victims left. They were immediately ambushed outside the bar, and one was killed. The other remains seriously wounded, and the student was later arrested. This isn't the first tragic incident after a patron's version of "My Way." In fact, many Philippine bars have removed the song from the playlist due to constant brawls, especially among drunken men.

Amber the Queefing Lesbian Comes To Video

Adult entertainment customers can choose from straight hetero sex, gay videos, lesbian liaisons and fetish fantasies. But now comes the most unique form of adult entertainment yet. The musical vagina. 23-year-old "Amber" has had the ability to fart tunes with her labia since she was a young teen, but after years of anonymity she is finally bringing her talent to video. She has trained her lips to play everything from classics like the "Blue Danube" waltz to rock anthems like, "We Will Rock You." You can look for this collector's item under the title, "Amber The Queefing Lesbian."
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Temple Hires Porn Queen for Lecture

NEWHALL, Ca. - Nina Hartley, star of nearly 600 adult films and current sex educator will be holding a seminar at Temple Beth Ami in Newhall. The veteran of such films as "Debbie Does Dishes" and "One Size Fits All" will be discussing sexuality and techniques for spicing things up in the bedroom. Rabbi Mark Blazer invited Hartley to speak on sexuality as part of the temple's adult education course, the first-ever for a religious group. Sexuality, Blazer said, is important in Judaism. Jewish law, in fact, allows for a woman to divorce her husband if he doesn't provide for her sexual needs. "Oh, my mom will be there," he continued. "My mom was very open about sex and from that I learned the importance of sexuality as an important component of a good marriage."
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How About Rent-A-Sheep?

BERLIN, Germany - There's finally a way for city dwellers to get a real-live sampling of the good ole country spirit. Martin Portmann, a 52-year-old sheep owner and businessman, has created Rent-a-Sheep so the city folk can rent sheep for various purposes. Some use the furry animals for children’s parties while others appreciate their lawn-eating abilities. Still, some just want the sheep for company when they go for leisurely walks. Portmann told a local newspaper, "The price is negotiable. Some people bring a sack of animal feed, some give money, but the main thing is they enjoy being with the animals." 
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Suicide By Lion

LISBON - There are easier ways to do it, but this method is guaranteed to get you in the newspapers. A man, apparently wanting to commit suicide, jumped into the lion pit at Lisbon zoo where he was promptly attacked and killed. Zoo officials said the 61-year-old man climbed a five-yard-high wall and leaped into the pit, home to 10 lions. He ignored warnings from gardeners to remain still and instead began bothering the lions. A 10-year-old female, then attacked and killed the man. "She broke his neck...and he was dead instantly," a zoo administrator told Reuters. A police spokesman said the man had been distraught about the recent death of his son.

Returned Gift Contains Sister's Ashes

DECEMBER, 2001 - Always look at a gift before you decide to return it. A Nebraska woman should have heeded this advice after returning a Christmas gift to Wal-Mart without looking inside, only to discover later it contained the ashes of her recently deceased sister. Judy Money received the box as a gift from her brother who lives in Iowa. But after unwrapping the package on Christmas Eve she saw the box had a broken knob and decided to return it to Wal-Mart without ever looking at the contents inside. When Money later confessed to her brother that she had returned his gift, he told her the box contained the ashes of their sister, who had died Dec. 11. Money told reporters she made a mad dash back to Wal-Mart, but the box had already been thrown out with the trash. Money and her brother finally found the box a few days later amid trash piles at an area landfill.  
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Cleaning Lady Accidentally Disarms Bomb

DUSHANBE - It was a clean sweep for a business center in Tajikistan's capital when a woman accidentally defused a time-bomb while tidying up. The cleaning lady apparently moved a package to clean a floor in the nine-story building when a clockwork detonator fell out of the package. Even though the device contained powerful sticks of TNT, the detonator went off harmlessly, the fall having apparently damaged it. It was not mentioned if there were any leads in the attempted bombing, but reports show that the state has remained volatile after a civil war 1992-97.
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Man Steals Van to Get to Court on Time

NEW ZEALAND - What's a man to do when he's pressed for time and wanted in court? With no official method of transportation, 18-year-old Houlyo Steven Regan decided to steal a van in order to make his court date on time. He had just pushed a vehicle out of a motel yard and was trying to start it when police caught him in the act. He tried explaining to the cops that he was on his way to court, but has since been charged with an additional five months in prison for the theft.
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Bright 14-Year-Old Escapes From Trunk

A 14-year-old Livermore, Calif., teenager has her dad and a cool head to thank after successfully getting away from a would-be abductor. The San Francisco Chronicle says that the girl was forced into the trunk of a Jaguar by a man who wanted to "get a closer look at her fingernails." She was reportedly abducted early Wednesday morning while walking to school.  Remembering an odd conversation with her father, some years before, about how to get out of a car's trunk, she began pulling wires and tugging at metal. Soon she was able to get the lid unlocked. But, remembering more of her dad's instructions, she didn't let the lid open enough for the driver to know what was happening. Swinging an arm out of the partially open trunk lid garnered enough attention that someone phoned 911 and turned in a description of the car and its license number. When the car eventually slowed at an intersection the girl jumped out and was rescued by a passing motorist. The suspect in the kidnapping was arrested 30 minutes or so later.
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If Your Belt Starts Moving...

GLASGOW - An air passenger's snakeskin belt suddenly took on a life of its own in a Glasgow terminal last week. Customs officers routinely checking a young woman traveling between America and Holland, were astonished when the belt began moving. The belt was a live snake - harmless as it turned out - which had been chilled prior to the flight to keep it comatose but which had thawed out in the heat of the terminal. The reptile was confiscated and the woman warned before being sent on her way. Bizarrely enough, the worldwide illegal trade in wildlife is now second only to drugs in terms of international crime.
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There's Nothing Sadder Than a Depressed Tapir

ENGLAND - There's nothing sadder than the death of a loved one. When Debbie's mate Sonny died last year, she immediately became depressed and would just sit in a corner. In this case, Debbie is a South American tapir at the Twycross Zoo in Leicestershire, England. According to Debbie's zoo keeper, John Ray, she stopped eating and became despondent. To help her recover, zoo officials have placed a television and VCR in her cage, and they repeatedly play videos of her native Amazonian rain forest. Apparently, the videos have helped so much that Debbie has become a bit of an addict. "She perked up as soon as she heard the calls and bird noises and has watched the same footage again and again. As soon as the tape stops she starts making a fuss to let us know it needs rewinding. She just sits there transfixed by the screen," said Ray. There's an even brighter future ahead for Debbie: the zoo is about to obtain a new boyfriend for her. The keeper added, "We are sure the chap we found will bring real happiness."
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Obesity Saves Man's Life

SANTIAGO, Chile - Having a "spare tire" was a good thing for Omar Alegria Campos after he was shot in the stomach by an attacker. The 33-year-old man apparently was driving his bus in the San Bernardo area of Santiago when an armed man got on and started robbing passengers. Alegria stopped the bus and switched on his emergency lights to alert the police. He then tried to grab the man's weapon. The attacker fired twice, the first bullet smashed the windshield and the second lodged in the bus driver's stomach. Alegria still managed to throw himself on top of the robber to prevent him from escaping. Doctors say the bullet lodged in the man's fat and did not damage any vital organs. A thinner person would surely have been killed.  
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Itty Bitty Wife Lifts 5000 lb Van

CONCORD, New Hampshire - Donna Stilwell, all 5 feet 2 inches and 110 pounds of her, attained heroine status last Sunday when she lifted a 5,000 pound Dodge Ram off her husband, Richard. Richard was working under the van, which was on a ramp in his driveway, when the vehicle rolled off the ramp, rolled him on his stomach, and came to a rest with its front tire on his thigh. Donna gripped the van beneath the front wheel well and lifted it enough for Richard to slide free. He escaped with a broken arm and a few bruises. As for Donna, "I don't know how I did it. I just lifted. It didn't feel that heavy," she said.
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And Another Trouser Snake Story

GOETTINGEN, Germany - Talk about making your skin crawl. A 21-year-old man was pulled over for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol after being spotted zig-zagging along a road in Goettingen. The driver was actually on his way to the vet when his 5ft pet adder escaped from its cage and crawled up his trouser leg. The young man explained to the deputies that he was shocked when he felt the snake slither up his leg and lost control of the wheel for a moment. The officers helped the man to free the harmless snake from his pants and released him without charge.
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Not the Kind of Retriever You Want...

SAO PAULO, Brazil - Chumbinho was a friendly black and white dog of mixed ancestry and a loyal friend to his owner, Haroldo Renato Mota. Chumbinho would bring his master a wide range of gifts, including an old bicycle wheel and a .22 caliber gun. This time, man's best friend dropped a bomb. Literally. The dog brought Mota a smoking grenade. Mota told the local news "He dropped it on the floor and smoke began to come out of it." Police detonated the item in Sao Jose dos Campos, about 60 miles away from Sao Paulo. Mota isn't upset with his dog, and said "The only thing he has not brought yet is money."
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Severed Penis Not Really a Severed Penis

HASTINGS, Nebraska - A customer paid for a routine car wash right before Valentine's Day, but got more than he bargained for. During the car wash, the customer found what looked like a severed penis near a vacuum cleaner. It was immediately tuned over to medical officials, and a state crime laboratory conducted further tests. In the meantime, police began a homicide investigation because of the severed penis.  However, the lab considered the possibilities and reported the "penis" was actually a cow's teat. "I've learned more about cow parts and human parts in the past two weeks than I cared to," said Police Chief Larry Thoren. 
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Clever Kitties Flushing Like Mad

WHITEWATER, Wisconsin - Two mischievous felines have learned a very unusual trick - they can each flush the toilet and shut off the lights in their Wisconsin home. Boots and Bandit, who are 1 1/2-years-old, apparently picked up these habits by watching owners Russ and Sandy Asbury. The couple discovered the cats unusual talents last winter, unexpectedly, when they heard the unmistakable sound of a toilet flush come from the bathroom. "I couldn't even imagine who or what was flushing the toilet." Russ said. Sandy checked it out and caught Boots preparing to do it again. Since then, Bandit has also become proficient at toilet flushing. "We have to shut the bathroom door when we go to bed. Otherwise, one or the other of the cats are in there flushing away all night," Russ concluded.
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Lizard Lady Attacks Doorman

LONDON, England - Susan Wallace, also known as the "Lizard Lady," was recently asked to leave a bar after she put her three-foot-long pet iguana on the heads of fellow drinkers. When doorman John Rosenthal asked her to vacate the premises, he said, "All of a sudden she threw the lizard and it hit me on the side of the head. Then she tried to take a kick at me. I closed the door and then she lashed out and smashed one of the windows." According to police, Wallace arrived at the police station with what they thought was a colorful scarf around her neck. The "scarf" was actually Igwig, the iguana, and she reportedly threw the reptile at them. Wallace has a different version of the events. She insists she would never throw her pet and that Igwig must of jumped to defend her. Wallace has since been convicted of two animal cruelty charges and will be sentenced in April for criminal damage to the pub's window. 
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Man Stabbed With... Swordfish

MADEIRA BEACH, Fla. - A Florida fisherman is recovering after being stabbed with the bill of a swordfish during a fight with another man, a sheriff's spokeswoman said. Police arrested Frank Ashmus, 46, and Garth Spacek, 42, after the two fishermen allegedly started fighting near a dock in Madeira Beach. Police said that after Spacek hit Ashmus in the head with a beer bottle and left, Ashmus went to Spacek's apartment and stabbed him in the abdomen with a sharp detached swordfish bill. Both men were drunk, according to police.
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Moosama Bin Laden on the Lam

CAMP WASHINGTON, Ohio - On her way to meet her maker, a rebellious cow chose the road less traveled. Just as she was headed for the slaughterhouse, the cow jumped a 6-foot fence and has since disappeared. A local radio station has started calling the bovine "Moosama Bin Laden". When the cow comes home, however, she will face a brighter future. Former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott has officially welcomed the cow to her premises after her capture. Schott already has 30 cows and a bull on her property, and said, "Oh, honey, I just want to see the thing have a home. She can come to Indian Hill and be happy." Additionally, the now famous cow will receive a starring role in the Fifth Third Bank's "Holy Cow" ad campaign. 
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Oregon Fugitive Turns Himself In

OREGON - The manhunt for an Oregon double-homicide suspect came to an abrupt end Saturday night when the 45-year-old man drove his pickup truck through the doors of the Grant County Jail and then waited to be arrested. Almerson "Willie" Hinton, 45, surrendered without resistance after he drove up the wheelchair ramp and into a hallway of the jail in Canyon City, then backed out. No one was injured although the pickup took out a soda machine inside the jail. Hinton was being sought by dozens of law enforcement officers for a week following the shooting deaths of his parents and a car chase during which several shots were fired and an Oregon State Police detective was wounded. He had disappeared into the woods and authorities feared his skills as a woodsman would allow him to elude capture for a long period of time.

Lucky Drunk Falls Down Manhole

ENGLAND - A drunken English man was on his way home from a pub when he fell head first down a four-foot manhole. Luckily, two residents saw the accident and immediately reported it. Though the man might have been to drunk to remember anything, he'll likely have bruises after the hangover wears off. According to firefighter Stephen Jackson, the man was fortunate that someone saw him fall because he could have died of hypothermia. Jackson told a local paper, "If they had not seen him, he would probably have stayed there all night and died of hypothermia. We managed to get a strap around him and pull him to the edge of the hole. Once the ambulance arrived, we slid him on to a spinal board and he was taken to the hospital. He was a big man. It took five or six of us to lift him out. When he fell in, he became stuck between a pipe and the side of the excavation."
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Guatemala's Bizarre Easter Ritual

GUATEMALA CITY - Lent no longer tops the list for Easter hardships. The annual Easter witch hunt began seven days prior to Holy Week this year for Guatemalan students. The ritual consists of 15,000 hooded students (mostly male) who publicly strip suspected criminals, and beat them. This vigilante pummeling, and the accompanying parade, are a sanctioned tradition where last year more than 108 lynching attempts took place. 
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British Prostitutes to Unionize

Prostitutes and other sex workers in London will vote on Saturday whether to join one of Britain's biggest trade unions. Members of the International Union of Sex Workers are expected to support the move to become affiliated to the GMB, which would give them mainstream union recognition for the first time. "We're trying to remove the stigma against sex work and sex workers." said Ana Lopes, the International Union of Sex Worker's secretary. Britain's sex industry is big business and embraces thousands of sex workers, including prostitutes and sex-line telephone operators.

Godiva Introduces Chocolate Bra

MILAN, Italy - Move over edible undies, there's a new garment in town that's sure to cure any sweet tooth! A new Godiva chocolate bra was unveiled at Fashion Week in Milan, Italy last Tuesday. The makers have told reporters that they aren't sure who is likely to buy the new garment. However, they did say one thing is for sure; you can only wear it once, and it probably won't hold up in hot weather.

Feeding Puppies to Snakes a No-No

LEON, Kansas - It's feeding time at the zoo. Or, rather, it was feeding time for two boa constrictors at Bluestem High School that recently caused a raucous. Biology teacher Matthew Patton routinely kept his two pet boas in his classroom and often fed them in front of students so they could learn how serpents eat something larger than they are. Everything turned into chaos when school board member Davy Harkins (who also runs an animal clinic) gave Patton three puppies. The puppies were going to be euthanized, so Harkins figured it would be more productive to have Patton serve them as dinner for the boas. Students were in tears when their teacher wanted to feed the puppies to the boas, and the school was in an uproar. The school stepped in and stopped the feeding just in time. Meanwhile, Principal Dale Harper indicates that some people want the biology teacher fired. "When you have soft cuddly puppies...there are people who get real concerned," he said.

Yam Shipment Conceals Drugs

MIAMI, Florida - A ship called "Seaboard Express" caused quite a stir this week when drug-sniffing dogs alerted Customs inspectors to its container shipment. The shipment came from Jamaica, the leading producer and exporter of marijuana in the Caribbean, so it almost came as no surprise when officials discovered the substance in a container of yams. What was surprising, though, was the overall value. More than 100 boxes of yams contained pot, worth a staggering $4 million.

Man Fakes Deafness to Escape Nagging

DENVER, Colorado - Angry wife Della Drimland has filed for divorce after finding out her husband of seven years had been faking being deaf and dumb. In recently filed court papers, husband Bill had admitted to the ruse to escape incessant nagging from his wife. He figured she would stop her nagging once he turned deaf.
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Sixth Grade Wasn't Like This in My Day

A 27-year-old teacher's aide in suburban Chicago has been charged with having sex with a sixth-grade boy. Prosecutors say Regina Woodson began a two-month sexual relationship with the 12-year-old last March. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that Woodson aroused the suspicion of school officials when she called the school, impersonating the child's mother. The parents alerted police who found the boy hiding in a closet at Woodson's apartment. Woodson pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor, though has denied any sexual misconduct with the boy.

Apparently Sex is Boring

A team of behavior specialists recently reported that boring sex has become a "global problem." Their research has been published in The Journal of Mundane Behavior. Included in their claims is that many women equate having sex with the humdrum activity of having someone over for a cup of tea. The researchers discussed several reasons for the "boring" trend, citing a corresponding boom in lackluster porn as a possible symptom. Pornography today generally uses polished, perfect looking actors, while people might prefer watching "real" looking participants or amateurs. Additionally, they cite modern living as a large contributing factor. Guest
editor Kimberly Mahaffy of Millersville University wrote that "Mundane sex speaks to the 'truth' of our everyday experiences. The novelty and lust have been replaced by 'Can we do it before 10 pm?' 'Do I have to take my socks off?' 'Can I just lay here while you do the work'?

Send Your Mother-In-Law to Hell

Not sure what to get your cantankerous mother-in-law this year for Mother's Day?  Send her to Hell. Beginning this weekend, the Bid-Up TV website and TV channel are accepting bids for the auction of a three-day trip to the town of Hell, Norway for one's mother-in-law. The winner will stay in Hell's only hotel, and she should sure bundle up because temperatures can reach -20C (-4 degrees Farenheit) this time of year. The trip is purposely only for one person because as a Bid-Up Tv spokesman says, "with two of them they might have too much fun." This contest follows the popular auction last year to send one's mother-in-law into space. The spokesman said, "We do this every year as an alternative Mother's Day gift. We were very pleased with the amount of interest in last year's, after which a man sent his mother-in-law to Moscow space training camp and up in an aircraft to the edge of space."

Romanian Man Hypnotized, Robbed

ROMANIA - Two women observed their prey at a Romanian park and chose a man sitting on a bench. They promised the man they would hypnotize him and then read his palm. Only they actually robbed him. The victim was completely unaware and left in a trance until he woke up a half hour later, still on the bench. Except now, his wallet was missing. He immediately went to the police, and they were able to arrest the two women for robbery. They are due in court soon.

Alec Baldwin Not Ready to Leave USA

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. - Actor Alec Baldwin was enjoying the weather in the Florida capitol this week when his presence came to the attention of Governor Jeb Bush. "He had promised he would leave the country if my brother got elected," Bush said during a stop in Orlando. "Well he's back, I guess. We'll welcome him to Tallahassee." Baldwin fired back that he never made that statement and wasn't about to leave anyway until he had helped get Prez. Bush out of office in 2004. Lt. Gov. Frank Brogan got in on the discussion, saying outside the Capitol, "I haven't seen any of Alec Baldwin's work myself; I understand he's mildly talented."

Neighbor Shoots, Barbecues Pet Pig

DEMING, N.M. - This culinary curiosity made a lot radio talk shows, so you may have already heard the story. Sadie Emerson of New Mexico recently lost her Vietnamese potbellied pig. The miniature porker named Tiny Boo was a cherished family pet and Sadie and her 3-year-old son began searching the neighborhood for it. Much to their horror they found Tiny Boo was the guest of honor at a barbecue their neighbors were having down the street. The mobile home owner told sheriff's deputies he shot the pig with a rifle after the animal tried to attack him. He has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear in court.
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This Dummy's Getting in the Way

WALES - Maureen Roberts let it go when her ventriloquist husband routinely talked to his dummy, Charlie Boy, at the dinner table. And for hours in front of the mirror. And on trips to the supermarket. But she drew the line when her husband Ray wanted to bring the dummy with them on a romantic dinner. She said, "Life's become hell. Either it goes or I do. I thought it was funny at first, but it's grinding me down now. Ray spends more time talking to a lump of wood than me. If I had my way it'd be kindling." In his defense, Ray insists he doesn't mean to upset his wife and that everyone must have a hobby to prevent a marriage from becoming boring. No word on where the dummy sleeps.
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68-Year-Old Woman Smuggles Reptiles

AUSTRALIA - A 68-year-old woman was recently caught at Australia's Sydney airport trying to smuggle seven snakes and 91 lizards out of the country. Officials believe she was going to sell them through the black market in the Czech Republic. The woman had put the animals in poster tubes, but punched holes in them so the reptiles could breathe. All of the animals were native to Australia, so she has been charged under a conservation act. Taronga Zoo identified the snakes, including four tiger snakes, three pythons, a rare rock knobbed-tail gecko, a sandstone leaf-tail gecko, and a thick-tailed gecko. The woman faces a large fine or 10 years in prison.
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Would You Like Insects With That?

BERLIN, Germany - In Germany, insects are becoming the newest trend in restaurant dining. Bored with traditional menu options, Germans bombarded a local restaurant that recently added insect dishes to its menu. Chef Lars Scheuble of the Berlin Soda restaurant now cooks such meals as cockroach pasta, grasshopper and locust couscous, and sauteed maggots with green leaves. His inspiration was a vacation to Africa and Thailand, where natives regularly eat insects. "They have virtually no fat and in Africa they're eaten instead of meat or as a snack," he said. Customers have thus far been supportive and say the worms in the salads are "crunchy." According to the chef, "nobody has complained about stomach problems yet."
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Sock Bandit Apprehended in Maryland

UPPER MARLBORO, Maryland - Now we have the sock the bandit! Police apparently have to decided to "sock it" to Derrick Cobb, 25, after he allegedly knocked down several girls and stole their socks. Cobb was reportedly identified from a store security tape after one of the girl's mother called the police. He's charged with two counts each of felony robbery and misdemeanor theft.
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Student Cuts Class, Robs Bank

BRANDON, Mississippi - When most kids cut class, they go sneak a cigarette outside or head to the closest mall. But this 15-year-old Mississippi boy had other things in mind when he decided to rob a bank during his little excursion from school. According to Flowood police chief Johnny Dewitt, the robber, who was wearing a maroon turtleneck and jeans, allegedly walked into the bank brandishing a knife. The police found the suspect sitting at a table in the school cafeteria 40 minutes after the raid and arrested him for armed robbery. His bag filled with cash and clothes matching the robber's description were reportedly found in a nearby classroom.
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Canadian Sex Salon Raided

QUEBEC - And you thought Canadians were straight-laced. Thanks to the keen observations of wives and girlfriends, police arrested eight people at Le Salon Sex Symbol, where stylists stripped, performed exotic dances and talked dirty as they clipped clients' hair. Three female employees and five male customers were charged with working in or frequenting a house of prostitution, according to the local newspaper. While not much actual hair-clipping took place, police did catch the 28-year-old owner and a client playing with a sexual toy and oil. Interestingly enough, Quebec law allows erotic hair salons, if no touching takes place. The wives, and more importantly, the police believe patrons at Le Salon Sex Symbol could buy sex.
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Woman Stabs Boyfriend While He Does Dishes

BILLINGS, Montana - James S. Demontiney, 26, was harmlessly washing the dishes one recent Saturday morning. Apparently his girlfriend felt he was taking too long. Elizabeth J. Holt, 23, began complaining that she wanted to visit her parents. She became angrier and more impatient as her boyfriend continued washing the dishes. Refusing to wait any longer, she picked up a kitchen knife with a 6-inch blade and ran after her boyfriend, stabbing him in the back. He immediately called 911 and was treated for the wound before police arrived. Demontiney is in stable condition, and Holt has been charged with felony assault. She is being held in the county jail on a $15,000 bond.
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Thought Control is on the Horizon

Hollywood did it in the movie SATURN 3, starring Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett. Now, 22 years later, Brown University researchers have done it with a rhesus monkey. Thought-controlled computers. Using a fingernail-size chip implanted in the brain, a monkey was able to move a cursor around on a computer screen just by thinking and used it to touch dots that appeared on the screen. The chip was developed after months of trials that monitored monkeys' brains while they manipulated a joystick with their hands, mapping exactly which part of the brain was responsible for this exact motor control. The results are promising enough that the device could one day be used on humans. 
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Toddler Goes on Wild Snowmobile Ride

Police in the city of Wabasha, Minn., say that a not-quite-3-year-old boy is lucky to be alive after being "kidnapped" by a runaway snowmobile. The Star-Tribune explained it this way: The boy's dad had left his son on an idling snowmobile to go run an errand. Suddenly the machine somehow got into gear and lurched off, taking the boy with it. The ride carried the toddler across a soybean field, over a gravel road, between two pine trees, through a snowdrift and then ended when it crashed into a home half a mile away. The boy suffered only a jammed finger and a few bruises. By the time he was treated at a hospital, the publication says he wanted to go for another ride.
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Indiana Warden Loses Keys to Prison

It's bad enough when you lose the keys to your house or car. A little embarrassment and inconvenience and some new keys and things are back to normal. But don't try telling that to warden James Smith of the Indiana Department of Corrections. Smith recently, according to the Merrillville (Ind.) Post-Tribune, somehow misplaced all the master keys for his facility ... a lot of keys. After an exhaustive search it was decided that the only safe thing to do was to replace the major locks and make new sets of keys, just in case. It took days and some $53,000 to correct the situation. During the time the locks were being changed all 2,559 inmates were put under total lockdown. Eventually the process took more than a week to get back to normal. And the warden's wife just found the old set.
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Man Watches Animal Abuse Videos for Therapy

DUSSELDORF, Germany - A doctor became increasingly frustrated after separating from his wife, and she no longer took care of their pets. "This meant I had to look after two dogs, two cats and a guinea pig," the man said. To work out his aggressions, he ordered a tape over the Internet that showed animals such as mice, rats and guinea pigs being crushed to death by a woman wearing high heels. His employer fired him when they found out what was going on. He has been found guilty of incitement to hurt animals, fined, and faces a prison sentence. The man still claims he was merely trying to work frustrations. "My therapist thinks I used these images to get rid of my aggressions," he told the court. The $2647 fine will be given to an animal protection charity.
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German Impostor Commits 34 Patients

Homeless Man Hit, Imprisoned, Dies in Garage

FORT WORTH, TX  - Police arrested a 25-year-old woman on murder charges after she struck a homeless man with her car and let him bleed to death in the windshield last October. Apparently driver Chante Mallard was hopped up on drugs and alcohol when she struck vagabond Gregory Biggs with her car. The impact had hurled him headfirst through the windshield, his broken legs sticking out onto the hood. According to police reports, Mallard claims she panicked and drove to her home a few miles away with Biggs still lodged in the windshield. Mallard told police she occasionally went into the garage, apologizing to the victim, but refused to get help for him. After he died, she then dumped the body in the park.
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Caribou Flavored Condoms a Big Hit

IQALUIT, Nunavut - For all you rugged outdoorsmen out there, have I got a "treat" for you. Condoms flavored with traditional foods such as caribou, musk ox and arctic char have become the favorite collectible from this year's Arctic Winter Games in Iqaluit. The first 2,500 condoms, given away at five locations in Iqaluit along with an information package, disappeared almost immediately after the Games opened last weekend. By Wednesday, officials had given away more than 15,000 of the condoms, which are brightly packaged with pictures of five different northern animals. "It's proven to be a remarkable success, not only at providing information to people, but getting them really talking about the issues," said Todd Armstrong, HIV adviser for Pauktuutit, an Inuit women's organization. 
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Supermarket Terrorized by Fart Guys

NEW JERSEY - Two pranksters, ages 65 and 50, are facing fines and jail for repeatedly letting off "fart spray" in a New Jersey supermarket. Geremino Ranallo and Warren Jacoby kept stinking up the ShopRite store in Warren, driving disgusted customers away, police said. "It smelled like somebody had let a real stinker in there. It was pretty nasty," said shopper Brian Lee, 18. The men were convicted of disorderly conduct and fined $500. Ranallo said the decision angered him, adding, "I don't want to be known as the fart guy."
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Gun-Dealing Dentist in Hot Water

A Burbank, Calif., dentist -- already facing felony charges for weapons sales -- is now at the center of yet another possible scandal within the ranks of the Los Angeles Police Department. The Los Angeles Times is reporting that dentist Lawrence Wolff, may have sold nearly two dozen high-powered assault weapons to LAPD officers. Even though Wolff does have a license to sell guns, including machine guns and assault rifles, he was recently charged with a number of illegal gun sales. The charges against him came as the result of an ATF sting operation. It is reported that many of the documents that were used in the purchase of weapons by the police officers were faked.
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Drunken Air Traveler Attacks Flight Crew

(30,000 feet above) ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - Denise Laverne Brown, 39, of New York City, was sick, tired and drunk and she wasn't going to take it any more. During a flight from New York to Phoenix she became irate and refused to obey the orders of the flight personnel. Before anyone could stop her Denise had battled her way into the cockpit and attacked the co-pilot at the controls. An airline spokeswoman declined to say what triggered the incident. Suffice it to say, when a drunk New Yorker wants to get off a plane, she gets off the plane.

Giant Mr. Potato Head Attacked

BELPER, Derbyshire - A 7-foot fiberglass statue of Mr. Potato Head was given to the town of Belper, Derbyshire in England as a gesture of goodwill. Belper's sister city of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, the headquarters for the potato's manufacturer provided the giant toy. Little did the folks at Hasbro know the controversy the toy would cause. Initially placed in the center of Belper, residents vetoed the potato and called it an eyesore. It was then moved to a children's playground and even a Wild West theme park. Poor Mr. Potato head had his arm ripped off and hat broken in an attack last week outside a school. He was rushed to a fiberglass specialist and is now serving as a mascot in a Safeway supermarket parking lot. A tourism company in Rhode Island recently said they might need to borrow the giant spud for a tour of America. A tourism development officer said, "I think we'd be quite happy to send him home."
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Internet Urine Sales Banned

WASHINGTON - "Our government does not require those who sell alcohol to ask their customers if they intend to get drunk and drive, nor do they require those who sell bullets or guns to ask their customers if they intend to kill someone," was the defense used for a young man who wished to sell his urine over the internet. Kenneth Curtis lost a Supreme Court appeal that asked for permission to sell his fluids, part of a business that caters to people who are trying to beat drug tests. Curtis reportedly worked his way around the ban by moving his business to North Carolina. Curtis' site includes a cartoon of a man, lowering his pants then urinating on a police officer's shoes.  
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Dog Severs Robber's Penis

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida - Putting a new spin on police brutality, a police dog bit off a suspect's penis this week. It all started when three men allegedly stole cigarettes from the At-Cost Liquor Store. An employee saw the alleged theft and chased the men out of the store. He was also able to copy the license plate number. A short chase ensued, but the men crashed their car. A police K-9 named "Scooby" ended their attempt to flee the scene and gave one suspect a surprise love bite on the buttocks. Scooby didn't stop there.  He then bit the alleged thief in the crotch, severing his manhood. The man was rushed to the hospital and is resting after having the penis reattached.
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Lesbian Couple Create Deaf  Children

Just when you thought the human race couldn't get any more bizarre, a lesbian couple is pleased to admit they have created the world's first designer handicapped baby. A deaf lesbian couple in their mid-thirties wanted to experience the joys of motherhood, so they consulted their local sperm bank. Only they were looking for a very specific donor trait: the same inherited hearing disability they both had. They wanted their child to be deaf. Sperm bank officials told the couple, Sharon Duchesneau and Candace McCullough, that congenital hearing loss immediately disqualifies donors. The couple, who belong to an extremist group that believes deafness is not a handicap but a "cultural identity", turned to a deaf friend to donate. Sharon became pregnant and the couple gave birth to a deaf daughter, now five years old. They were so pleased that they had another child, a boy, but he is completely deaf in only one ear. Children's rights groups are appalled, and the conservative Family Research Council said their decision to "intentionally give a child a disability" was "incredibly selfish."
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Waterbeds for Cows - What's Next?

MOUNT ANGEL, Oregon - Dairy farmer Arie Jongeneel has built water beds for his herd of Holsteins in order to increase milk production. It may sound a bit odd, but this evidently is not a new concept. The Dutch and British made water beds have been in use in Europe for seven or eight years, mostly for dairy cattle. and they began appearing in the New York-Pennsylvania area and the Midwest about three years ago. Distributors claim the beds reduce wear and tear on the cows' joints and prevent swelling and burning of hocks. Jongeneel, who began experimenting with 15 specially made water beds in January, said he is ordering 80 more for his 1,600 cows in Oregon's lush Willamette Valley. "If it's better for the cows it will increase milk production, there's no doubt about that," Jongeneel concluded.
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Drop Your Pants at the Drive-Thru

LONDON, Ontario - I have seen signs that say "no shirt, no shoes, no service" in dining room areas of restaurants, but nothing for the drive-thru. That may soon change after two men ordered their coffee and Tim Bits in the nude. Officers said that two men pulled off the prank and their pants twice in the past two weeks at Corunna's Tim Hortons. The men were said to have been passengers in the back seat of a car when they placed their food orders and both times the driver pulled up far enough so the clerk would have to deal with the naked men. Police traced the car's license plate and have charged a 21-year-old Mooretown man and a 22-year-old Corunna man with indecent acts.
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Dog Saves Woman from Gator Attack

MIAMI - A Florida dog who fought an alligator to protect an elderly woman was honored for his loyalty with a "Dog Hero of the Year" award. Two-year-old Blue, an Australian blue heeler, saved Ruth Gay from the gator and survived numerous injuries, said organizers of the annual Heinz Pet Products award. Gay was taking the dog for an evening walk along a canal behind her house last July when she slipped on wet grass and fell, dislocating a shoulder. Blue lay at her side while she called for help. Suddenly the dog growled and ran off into the darkness -- sensing an alligator that had climbed out of the canal 50 feet away. Blue fended off the reptile and when Gay's daughter and son-in-law arrived home about an hour later, led them to where she was lying.
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Cuddle Time Good for Everyone

SUTTON COLDFIELD, England - Jerry Farrelly introduced an ancient Chinese philosophy to his heating company three years ago and has since experienced a 200% profit increase. His secret? Employee cuddle time. In this relaxing atmosphere, calming music is played, overtime is not allowed, and the employees receive money to socialize. Additionally, they are greatly encouraged to hug each other at the beginning and end of each day. Staff members can shake one another's hand or pat one another on the back if they're comfortable. The practice has dramatically changed the company's ambiance, and staff members are beaming. "We find that by creating this easy atmosphere, staff respond by giving their all. There is a lot of love in the office so people do not fall out. They look forward to returning to their jobs after the weekend," said Farrelly. One employee said he couldn't "believe how enlightened it is here."

Easter Bunny Attacked in Washington

BELLEVUE, Washington - 18-year-old Krystal Pennington was volunteering at New Hope Ministries Church as their Easter Bunny when the festive atmosphere took a drastic turn. As she handed out candy and rallied up the children for the annual egg hunt, a sinister car pulled up by her. Someone jumped out and attacked the Bunny, punching her right in the face. The assault left her with a bloody nose, but Pennington insists the punch would have been worse had it not been for her rubber bunny nose. The Easter Bunny's attacker still looms large, and no arrests have been made. The violence stunned the congregation. Reverend Ralph Driskill couldn't believe the events: "I couldn't imagine anybody hitting the Easter bunny."

Robber Only Wants Sensation Device

WINNIPEG, Canada - Now here is a "stick up" of different proportions. A $420 "anatomically correct sensation device" was stolen from an Adults Only Video shop in Winnipeg. An unidentified male armed with pepper spray allegedly ordered the 20-year-old clerk to put his hands on the wall, while he made off with the "sensation device." Police describe the suspect as a 20-to-30-year-old man, five-foot-five inches tall, with a thin build. The suspect clearly didn't want to chance being recognized, as he was wearing all-black clothing, dark sunglasses and a balaclava. "He's probably at home, enjoying himself," joked Winnipeg police spokesman Const. Bob Johnson. "It was $420...It must be quite a device."
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  Toddler Runs Over Neighbor with Parents' Car

NEW ZEALAND - A three-year-old New Zealand boy climbed into his parents car and knocked it out of gear, causing the vehicle to roll down a hill. Neighbor Terry Mattsen was mowing his lawn when he noticed the approaching car, but he didn't give it a second thought because cars constantly travel on the road. With the out-of-control toddler at the wheel, the car crashed through a small wall and ran over Mattsen. He was stuck under the car with his arm across his chest and knocked unconscious. His wife heard the crash and called for help. Firefighters rescued the neighbor, but he did not experience serious injuries. Mattsen explained that "it just whacked me and I went straight underneath. I remember hearing a bang and that was it." The toddler also has no injuries. Police are not planning on any further action.

Chrissy Conant's Caviar Creates Quite a Stir

RIDGEFIELD, Connecticut - And how do you like your eggs? New York artist Chrissy Conant likes hers in a jar and on display at the Aldrich Museum of Contemporary Art in Ridgefield, Connecticut. The 39-year-old woman has packaged her very own eggs and has offered them as "caviar" for an exhibit at the museum. The jars are labeled "Product of the Chrissy Conant ovaries. Ingredients: one egg, human tubal fluid. Caucasian." Calories are not noted. Conant states that the piece addresses the psychological and physical pressures a woman feels as the biological clock ticks in her late thirties. Doctors "harvested" her eggs by guiding a needle through the vagina and into her follicles, removing the eggs by suction, under local anesthesia. In addition to its artistic "value" Ms. Conant also hopes the display will be a more effective platform for a personal ad than the Village Voice. 
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 Don't Argue With Police in Calcutta

CALCUTTA, India - Police officers in Calcutta are generally poorly paid, and they often resort to asking drivers for bribes to dismiss traffic tickets and the like. That's a possible scenario this week when an officer and truck driver scuffled. The end result: the officer allegedly bit the driver's hand, and he and his partner have since been suspended. Harman Prit Singh, Deputy Commissioner of Calcutta Police, said, "It seems the police vehicle driver was desperate to extract money from the truck driver. The policeman went berserk when the truck driver didn't cooperate and they got into a scuffle. That's when the truck driver's hand was bitten." The officer's partner was suspended for not restraining his co-worker during the fight.

Passing Cars Can Explode Frogs

GERMANY - You never saw the video game amphibian "Frogger" encounter this kind of problem. According to Professor Dietrich Hummel, of Braunschweig, a sudden rise in air pressure created by passing automobiles can be fatal for amphibians. Hummel measured the suction caused by cars in a wind tunnel and concluded that any speed over 20mph can can cause toads to explode. He is now calling for speed limits on toad-crossing blackspots. Hummel told reporters, "The bigger the clearance, the better it is for the toad. A Formula 1 car would be a disaster."
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Nude Students on Cover Embarrasses School

PARIS, France - Five teenagers decided to make a statement by posing nude for the cover of their high school's student magazine called "Ravaillac." The issue dealt with sex, prostitution, homophobia, and pornography, but some parents, teachers, and students simply don't care what statement the kids were trying to make. Some believe that the students have disgraced the 200-year-old prestigious French school. Many prominent people have attended the Henri-IV school in the past, including former President Georges Pompidou as a teacher. Though the students posed nude, the magazine was published with bits of removable opaque tape stuck to the photo. The teenagers have sought legal advice for fear of the school board's actions. The magazine's production has since been suspended.
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London Police Work at its Finest

LONDON, England - Like any good citizen, a suspicious neighbor called the police when he saw a man loitering around his friend's van. Due to doubt, laziness, or who knows why, the police chose NOT to send a patrol car to the scene. Instead, they asked to speak with the alleged troublemaker. The loitering man assured the police he meant no harm, and the case was closed - until later when it was discovered the man actually stole $1,000 worth of tools from the van. The police force claims to have been "overstretched" the night of the crime and say the situation was "extremely embarrassing...I was appalled by the story," said one Manchester Police spokesman. One of the owners of the van, Carole Curley, was adamant about the negligence and said, "This is an absolute disgrace. A crime was being committed and police could not send anyone out."

12 Hat-Wearing Mini-Penises at Museum

BELGIUM - An unusual collection of 12 mini-penises, some dressed and wearing hats, was recently found at the City Museum for Actual Arts in Gent. Though the museum accumulates an odd assortment of crafts and art, Director Jan Hoet said the penises "were not part of our usual collection." Of course not. They were actually purposely placed there by a manipulative artist named Rudy Meganck to get his name know. The "artist" came forth and claimed the collection four days later. Only by that time, it had been taken away by police. "I wanted a place for my art in this museum. And I succeeded in having the shortest and cheapest exhibition in a real museum," he said.
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New Research on Flatulence

LONDON - Are you tired of being the butt of jokes due to flatulence problems? Indian scientists intend to snuff out this problem using gamma rays. Research has shown that bacteria in the large intestine are responsible for the gases that cause flatulence, and when these bugs eat certain types of carbohydrates called oligosaccharides they produce a mixture of methane and smelly sulphurous gases, which cause the social embarrassment. Scientists have concluded that the levels of oligosaccharides in mung beans had fallen by 70 percent after they were zapped with gamma rays and allowed to soak for two days before cooking. This new research willsoon be featured in the journal Food Chemistry.
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Union Using Voodoo, Claims Nursing Home

The National Labor Relations Board held hearings last week on charges by a Miami nursing home that a union used voodoo to organize its employees. The employees at the Mt. Sinai-St. Francis Nursing and Rehabilitation Center are mostly Haitians, as are many of the union organizers. During the hearing, dietary workers at the center testified that pennies would appear on the floor and half-filled cups of water would occasionally appear on a high shelf in the break room. Several workers testified they were afraid to touch them because they were symbols of black magic. The nursing home filed objections with the NLRB, accusing union representatives of intimidation and harassment.
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New Canadian Submarine Leaks

OTTAWA - Canada's decision to buy four cut-price submarines from Britain looked a little soggy after one of the vessels sprang two leaks on its very first training exercise.

Commander Bill Woodburn, in charge of Canada's submarines, insisted that HMCS Windsor had been in no danger during an exercise.  But the problem was a further embarrassment for a purchase that is becoming a public relations nightmare.

The Windsor is one of four mothballed diesel-powered submarines that Canada bought from Britain in 1998 for C$750 million ($475 million) and then started to refit. Shortly after the Windsor's exercise began, water leaked into a hydraulic system used to operate a snorkel mast that lets fresh air into the boat. The commander decided to return to port to fix the problem.

"The submarine was not in any danger," Woodburn told a news conference in the eastern port of Halifax.

To round off a bad day, someone then flipped the wrong switch and let 530 gallons of seawater into a sealed battery compartment. Media reports said sailors had to use yogurt containers and sleeping bags to clear up the mess.

Defense Minister Art Eggleton -- under fire for not securing more money for the cash-strapped armed forces -- last month called the submarines a bargain, even though the first craft to arrive has been in dry dock for the past 18 months.

When the Windsor made its way to Canada last year, the defense ministry allowed a team from public broadcaster CBC television along for what turned out to be an eventful ride.  For a start, the submarine leaked hydraulic fluid throughout the journey. The radar mast leaked and had to be fixed with masking tape and a garbage bag, the sonar broke and another faulty piece of equipment had to be unjammed with a hockey stick.  

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