Several years ago, in a west Texas town, the employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been
thought of as "bright" by his peers. Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best
and brightest" members of the 200-man association. Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Witness Frenchman Pierre Pumpille, of Lyon, who recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed. Deity
or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish
farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most
macho man by cutting off his own head. Azninski, 30, had been drinking
with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's
games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen swedes,
but then one man seized a chainsaw and cut off the end of his foot. Not
to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and crying "Watch this then!"
swung at his own head and chopped it off. "It's funny," said
one companion, "Cos when he was young he put on his sister's underwear.
But he died like a man." A middle-aged
gentleman (name withheld to protect the ignorant), accidentally shot himself
to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of
a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew
it to his ear. (1992) A 24-year-old
salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when
his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the
middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80
MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched
to his chest, had been busy reading. A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous
cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows
opened it wouldn't have been fatal but the man was shut up in his near
airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating
[this deadly gas]." Three of the rescue workers got sick and one
was hospitalized. Calcutta, India - A tiger killed one man and mauled another at the Calcutta zoo yesterday when they tried to put a marigold garland around its neck in a New Year's greeting. Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai had been drinking before they bought the floral garlands and crossed the moat around the tiger's enclosure, authorities said. "I was shocked to see the two young men weaving about in front of a tiger with garlands in their hands, " said Rakesh Banerjee, who witnessed the attack that triggered panic and a near stampede in the zoo. The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put the garland on a 13-year old male Royal Bengal tiger named "Shiva" after the Hindu god of destruction. When Rai threw the garland around Shiva's neck, the tiger attacked him. His friend Tiwari intervened, kicking the tiger in the face. The tiger released Rai, and attacked and killed Tiwari. "I
saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on the other young man and put
its head on the man's neck, and within moments, the man was apparently
dead, his head dangling, " Banerjee said. Atlanta
Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March
when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed
that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen." [San
Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to
break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death
when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man
cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in
this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said
Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when
the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional
police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony,"
Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected." [AP,
Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday
while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern
Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot
well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled
him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could
swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly
farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same
undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well
in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken
was also pulled out. It survived. [Times
of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when
he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital
in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices,
the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed
his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine
at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burn victims,
has a maximum dosage of 10seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300
times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours
later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton
General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious
because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they
called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into
Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan." Doctors say he is
going to be scarred for life. Bowling
Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he
was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how
close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit. In
Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces
of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing
the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a
drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it. Some fella
thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from
his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking
away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from
the fatal flashing. James
Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair
what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend
to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught
on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in
the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south. Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your Call. A smattering of really stupid (but true) stories Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. A Continuing Assortment of Stupidity 1st Person:
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
I recently
saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked.
Tech Support:
"What does the screen say now?"
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.
I called
a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob
is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I rented
a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the
screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television
screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen
I have?"
by Peter Leppik
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. On my way home from the second job I'd taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I had on my person. I figured that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me for trying to use the $50. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." IT: "Is that it?" ME: "Yep." IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." IT: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" IT: "I don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?" IT: "Yeah." ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis] IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take *those* either." ME: "Why the hell not?" MG: "I think you *know* why." ME: "No really, tell me, why?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "Excuse me?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "What the hell for?" MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them." MG: "Would you please just leave?" ME: "No." MG: "Fine, have it your way then." ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill." SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous] MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." SG: "So, the fifty's fake?" MG: "NO, the $2 is." SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" SG: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." ME: "Uh, no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't look fake to me." MG: "But it's a **$2** bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food. Back to the Top Earlier in 1997, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet. [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. Poacher Marino Malerba, shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him. [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. This is too stupid to categorize! As reported in the New York Daily News, Saturday, November 8, 1997: PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception? "But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any." A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' " But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure. "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom." But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As
bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's
hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another
attorney. With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups,
the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal
action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this." These are actual comments left in 1997 on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too
many rocks in the mountains."
Ian
works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH
(University of New Hampshire, for those not from the East Coast of the
USA).
At
the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American association for Forensic
Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San
Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story. I Do Believe I'll Steal me some Electricity [Dallas Morning News] Fort Worth, Texas His house filled with darkness, Jimmy Cooksey stormed out the door determined to one-up the electric company, police said. "I'll show them," the man said, according to a police report. "I'll turn on my lights." Mr. Cooksey, standing in the bed of his pickup truck, used a homemade pole to try to connect the breaker to the feeder box at the top of a light pole, police said. The plan backfired and pumped the 36-year-old backhoe operator with nearly 14,000 volts of electricity. Eight weeks later, recovering in Parkland Memorial Hospital, Mr. Cooksey said "I lost my legs... I'm not really ready to talk about it. There's been a lot happen to me." The
late-night blast on Oct. 19 not only injured Mr. Cooksey, but also sparked
several small grass fires, ruptured a natural gas line and caused several
transformers to explode. The injured man's neighbors said they could
hear his screams a block away. JAKARTA, Indonesia
- A man charged with murder thought he could beat the rap by taking advantage
of a legal loop hole. Apparently, policeman are not allowed to arrest
someone who is in the midst of practicing a religious ritual. So he began
to stand on his head, which is a ritual practiced by a local cult. After
days of being upside down, he surrendered to authorities complaining of
numb feet. A Florida cocaine
enthusiast had 55 small glass pipes removed from his stomach after going
to an emergency room complaining of severe abdominal cramps, heartburn
and indigestion. He apparently swallowed the pipes while high on crack
and did not realize what he was doing. The glass tubes ranged up to 4
1/2 inches long and a quarter-inch in diameter and had been ingested over
a period of months. "At first, I thought it was vials of powder cocaine.
Then I realized it was crack pipes, and when I saw how many there were,
I really couldn't believe it," police investigator Alison Drawdy
said. PORT O'CONNOR, Texas
- Two commercial fishermen are in deep trouble for what authorities say
was their unique interpretation of the slogan, "This Bud's For You."
Daniel Joseph Doiron, 37, of Louisiana, and Robert Charles Johnson, 41,
of Port Bolivar, are accused of stealing a Budweiser beer truck. "They
were laughing when they got to jail," a sheriff said. "And when
they sobered up they still thought it was funny, but they won't think
it's so funny when the judge sees them." The men stole the refrigerated
18-wheeler as its driver was making a delivery inside Clark's Seafood
Restaurant. A deputy pulled the truck over a few minutes later. Boise, Idaho: A teenager who tried to copy a scene from the hit film American Pie by shagging an apple pie was rushed to hospital with serious burns to his penis. Dwight Emburger, 17, couldn't wait for the tasty pastry to cool down and after he slid in his pecker he was badly scalded by the hot filling. A hospital
spokesman in Boise, Idaho said: "This demonstrates that producers
should consider the effects their films have on young and impressionable
people." MOSCOW - Gregori Vanechesky
thought he had invented a great new bullet-proof vest but he has to go
back to the drawing board. This amateur inventor tested the vest on his
wife and now the wacky Russian is a widower. That's right, she was
pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital as the vest did not prove to
be bullet-proof. JOHANNESBURG - Three
blundering South African thieves came up short after they successfully
robbed a primary school principal but then made off with the wrong bag
of loot. The men forced their way into the principal's office at gunpoint
and held up the headmaster and two secretaries, piling jewelry, money
and the contents of the school safe into a black briefcase, South Africa's
Press Association reported. Turning to flee, one of the robbers
grabbed the wrong black briefcase, escaping instead with the principal's
bag, stuffed with homework. Driver Kills Cop to Avoid Ticket FRANKFURT - A German
who killed a traffic policeman after he was caught speeding said the killing
was a bid to avoid penalty points on his license. The 45-year-old unnamed
assailant, who was arrested earlier this week, said he was worried that
penalty points from previous speeding offences would mean he would be
stripped altogether of his license. A Detroit man committed
suicide this week with an AK-47 rifle and took his friend with him. Elrod
J. Hill fired the semi-automatic weapon into the right side of his head.
The bullet came out the left side and killed his friend Brian Olesky,
who was sitting next to him on the couch. Alberto J. Vasquez
did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin' Donuts last week.
He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too.
Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin' Donuts, and an employee thought
he recognized Alberto's voice during the robbery. He was even more certain
when Alberto's accomplice called him by his nickname "A.J."
Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly
to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop. You have the
right to remain stupid... The Devil Made Me Cut Off My Penis RIO DE JANEIRO - It's
true that idle hands are the Devil's workshop, at least in the case of
an unidentified Brazilian stonemason who claimed to be possessed by Satan.
In a fit of mania, the 32-year-old man borrowed a kitchen knife from a
helpful neighbor and began stabbing himself in the chest and stomach.
When police arrived and tried to arrest him, the man sliced off his penis.
A hospital spokeswoman said the operation to reattach the mason's penis
was successful. How Not to use Your One Phone Call A Massachusetts man
arrested for driving without a license used his one phone call to tell
a friend exactly where to find his stash of crack cocaine, hidden in an
alley. Hipolito Vega spoke to his friend in Spanish, not realizing that
the booking officer, Manuel Rivera, understood every word. My Truck's Bigger than Your Truck In January,
Bobby G. Olson, 34, pled guilty to vehicular homicide for an incident
in rural Breckenridge, Minn., in 1998. Olson and another man were arguing
in a bar over who had the more powerful pickup truck, and the two left
to settle things by chaining their trucks together and having a tug of
war. Olson won by default when the other man's truck slid into a ditch,
rolled, and, when the man was ejected, came down on top of him. Arrested for Impersonating his Wife Joshua Marete
Mutuma, 32, was arrested in Modesto, Calif., in November on suspicion
of impersonating his wife. Mutuma's wife had a restraining order against
him, and Mutuma arrived at the courthouse dressed as a woman with a long
black wig and 5 o'clock shadow, attempting to have the order dismissed,
and responding to the clerk's questions in falsetto. This from
a medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control
center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. The student quickly reassured her that the ants were not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
ants. The student told her that she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency Room right away. Seems
that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they
were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated
when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.... Man Eats Own Underwear to Avoid DUI STETTLER - An 18 year-old Stettler man tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test, provincial court heard this week. David Zurfluh was subsequently acquitted of a charge of impaired driving because he blew .08, the legal limit. But the testimony broke up people in Judge David McNaughton's provincial court here Thursday afternoon. Mr. Zurfluh was collared by RCMP Constable Bill Robinson after he ran from his vehicle, which had been seen weaving down the highway. While sitting in the back of the patrol car, Mr. Zurfluh tried to eat his shorts, Constable Robinson told the court. Mr. Zurfluh said he ripped the crotch out of his shorts, stuffed the fabric in his mouth, then spit it out. A class of law students from William E. Hay Composite High, in court as observers, was removed by the teacher when testimony enlivened the proceedings. The grade 11 and 12 students had difficulty maintaining composure. "People
were leaving the courtroom with tears in their eyes, trying not to laugh,"
said RCMP Constable Peter McFarlane. Man Chokes to Death on Live Fish An Akron,
Ohio man choked to death while trying to swallow a live, 5-inch fish on
a dare. According to the AP, three unidentified friends had called 911
to say that Michael Gentner had a fish stuck in his throat and was having
trouble breathing. FT. LAUDERDALE,
FL - Donald Leroy Evans has been nabbed as the prime suspect for killing
a local prostitute. Evans has petitioned the court for two unusual requests.
First on the petition agenda was his desire to be allowed to wear the
white robes of the KKK. Secondly, Evans wanted to change his name to Hi
Hitler, so everyone, when reading the charges, would refer to his idol.
It seems that Evans watched a lot of documentaries and thought the Nazis
chanted "Hi Hitler" instead of "Heil Hitler." DETROIT,
MI - One of the most bizarre airplane hijack attempts recently occurred
on a flight from New York to Detroit. A man jumped out of his seat,
brandished a gun and declared, "This is a hijack, take me to Detroit."
When the stewardess informed him that the plane was already heading to
Detroit, the man sat down without another word. He was arrested immediately
after the plane landed. Well Then I'll Just Set Myself On Fire! A man in
Dublin is suing the Bank of Ireland for damages after he lit himself on
fire. John Coffey was denied a $2900 loan by bank officials, so he went
to his car, returned with a can of gasoline, and doused himself. He took
out his cigarette lighter and asked to "see his file again."
When three police officers grabbed him, the lighter sparked, and Coffey
went up in
flames. Sleeping on Train Tracks can be Dangerous Six people
near Norias, Texas were hit by a freight train last week. Authorities
said the victims were sleeping on the tracks and failed to wake up in
time. A Union Pacific spokesman explained that the six were probably sleeping
on the train tracks because they believe it would protect them from snakes...
and it did. Thailand Pumping Craze Injures 13-year-old BANGKOK,
Thailand - Teens everywhere try to get kicks in different ways, but this
new craze sweeping Thailand called "pumping" is truly bizarre.
What is this you ask? Well "pumping" involves placing the nozzle
of a bicycle pump up one's rectum and literally pumping air until the
air escapes from the posterior making a loud, vulgar sound. Apparently
the louder the sound, the more amusing. A 13-year-old, Charnchai Puanmuangpak
planned for a record and proceeded to place an electric air compressor
hose up his backside. He was admitted to the hospital with internal bleeding. Magnet Trick Lands Pervert In Jail SAN FRANCISCO,
California - 45-year-old suspect, Harold White has been charged with one
of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city. He has been charged
with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White
would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently
had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet
in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet. Teacher Shoots Self to Prove Schools Unsafe TUCSON,
Arizona - In order to prove that the schools are not safe enough for teachers
or students, sixth grade teacher Kathy Morris pumped a .38 caliber slug
into her own shoulder in an empty classroom and claimed a young Hispanic
man had shot her. The 35-year-old Morris broke down under questioning
and admitted she shot herself, but not before classes were dismissed for
the day and the entire neighborhood was searched. Morris has also, apparently,
been sending herself threatening letters, a sheriff's spokeswoman said.
She is currently on paid administrative leave pending an investigation. Death on Tracks Narrowly Averted PARIS, France
- Two teenagers were arrested and were nearly killed after they created
a subway disturbance. Apparently they were walking down the tracks in
between stations when the young stud began kissing and fondling his girlfriend.
One thing led to another and they began to make love in between the tracks.
If it were not for a vigilant conductor, authorities said they would have
surely perished. SAN ANTONIO
- According to APBnews, heroin addict Micah Sheehan was caught using a
fake penis while being urine tested for drugs by his parole officers.
According to eye witnesses, the telltale signs were evident by the bleached
pink appearance of the penis, and the fact that when he urinated it came
out in a sprinkler-like fashion. The final give-away came when he fumbled
his organ and it fell on the floor. His failed attempt at avoiding a drug
screening could mean a return prison sentence where he will be required
to bring his real penis. Shoplifter Killed by Garbage Compactor DETROIT,
MI - A woman suspected of shoplifting was crushed to death on Wednesday
when after hiding in a garbage compactor. After being detained by guards
at a Value Village store the woman took an unguarded opportunity to run.
Officer Glen Woods said. "I guess the first place she ran to hide
was the compactor," he said. "Once she jumped in, she triggered
the machine." The compactor starts automatically when it senses a
certain weight. Copycat Robber Plummets from Ceiling SACRAMENTO,
California - A 17-year-old copycatter did not demonstrate the agile reflexes
of a feline when he fell through the ceiling of two stores that he was
trying to rob. The boy was allegedly trying to emulate an infamous "rooftop
robber" who is believed to have committed more than 40 crimes in
California. According to Placer County Sheriff Department Lt. Rick Armstrong,
"The first store had bars on the doors and windows so the boy couldn't
get out. So he went onto the ceiling of the next store and fell 20 feet
to the floor." BAY SHORE,
New York - Peeking inside a 5-inch mortar tube after an aerial bomb failed
to launch properly proved deadly for a man during a neighborhood party.
Keith Seymour, 34, was killed after a charge went off while he was looking
inside the mortar tube to see why the explosive failed to fire. According
to the Suffolk County police, the intensity of the blast partially decapitated
Seymour. The accident remains under investigation. CAPETOWN, South Africa: "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths... "It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher". "We
are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further,
the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician
to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident.
The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times) Making it MUCH Too Easy to Catch Him ALBUQUERQUE - Police
investigating a break-in at a computer store have more than enough evidence
to work with courtesy of the would-be burglar. Whoever broke into The
PC Place left behind a pizza delivery hat, a trail of blood and a pager,
complete with a home phone number. Stupid Questions about the Sydney Olympics Here are some of the questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate. Q: Will I be able
to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) Q: Which direction
should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving
with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK) Q: Can you tell me
the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the
male population? (Italy) Q: Can you give me
some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) Q: Which direction
is North in Australia? (USA) Q: Can you send me
the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) Q: Will I
be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) Heroin Smuggler Dies From Burst Condom JULY 7, 2000 - A 59-year-old Colombian man died Wednesday after one of the 80 heroin filled condoms he tried to smuggle into the U.S. by ingesting them burst and stopped his heart. The man checked himself into Miami's Mercy Hospital complaining of chest pains. X-rays revealed an abundance of oblong-shaped pellets in his stomach. Seven hours later, doctors performed surgery after one of the latex pellets burst, causing the man's heart to convulse. The condoms,
containing 1.5 pounds of heroin with a street value of $60,000, are now
in police custody. Sleeping in a Dumpster Can be Dangerous OMAHA, NB - Sleeping in a garbage dumpster proved not to be a good idea for a Nebraska man Monday. Keith Quick, 28 was hospitalized after the dumpster he was sleeping in was emptied into a garbage truck and was compacted several times. According
to Omaha Fire Department spokesman Craig Schneider, it was not until several
stops and several loads of trash later that the truck driver heard Quick
calling for help. By that time he had been compacted "two or three
times." Schneider went on to say that it took firefighters about
an hour to dig the man out from the tightly compressed refuse packed into
the hopper of the garbage truck. Miraculously he was not seriously injured. Serial Burglar Dies in Chimney JULY 22, 2000 - The remains of what could be a serial burglar were found in the chimney of an abandoned building recently by a group of construction workers. Ironically, the man was attempting to burglarize a theft-prevention business in North Philadelphia. According to Detective Romonita King, workers had been knocking down the chimney Saturday when they smelled a foul odor. When they got closer, they noticed a pair of sneakers, jeans and a Philly's cap and what looked to be human remains. The medical examiner's office tentatively listed the cause of death as accidental compression asphyxia. It was reported
that the remains could be at least five years old and it was not known
how long the business was closed. Would-be Vampire Attacks California Man A lonely stretch of highway between Santa Cruz and San Francisco is the scene of a bizarre blood-sucking incident. That's right - Joshua Roise picked up would-be vampire Eric David Knight who was hitchhiking his way to San Francisco. When they reached their destination Knight gave Roise a friendly hug, and then clamped down on his neck like an aggravated badger. Roise says he asked Knight "repeatedly to stop (but) he only clamped down harder." The hitcher,
who is homeless, told police claimed he suffered from a disease that left
him unable to eat food. According to the police report he said, "I
need the cure...I need blood." Knight has been charged with misdemeanor
counts of battery and resisting arrest. Man Backs Into Police Car After Ticket LITTLETON,
Colorado - Mamileti Lakshmihart put himself in "double jeopardy"
after he backed his truck into the same patrol care that had pulled him
over. After being given a warning, the 36-year-old became confused when
he went to pull away and put his truck into reverse. The vehicle jerked
backward and hit the front of the patrol car, doing more than $1,000 in
damage. The Colorado State Patrol issued Lakshmihart a summons for careless
driving. Burglar Tripped Up by Cheese Wrappers FAYETTEVILLE,
Arkansas - Surprisingly enough, this did not happen in Wisconsin. Anthony
Lee Robinson, 21, was charged with burglarizing the home of a childhood
friend after allegedly being linked to the crime by cheese wrappers left
on a kitchen counter. According to the police, Robinson took $1,800 worth
of property from a Fayetteville home. Robinson had grown up with the victim
and oddly enough had seen him for the first time in three years, one day
before the burglary took place. The cheese wrappers triggered the victim's
memory of Robinson's fondness for cheese when they were growing up. Troy, NY
- What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty
to you? Ask Harold Reinke. It seems that after a hard night of partying,
he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute. There
was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting
an ear full and woke up hours later still connected. The bill? Only $7164. Fellatio in a Photo Booth Proves Embarrassing The Cincinnati
Enquirer reported the revealing story of an impromptu sexual rendezvous
in a Paramount's Kings Island photo booth. Elizabeth Whitaker, 24, and
Aaron Caudill, 28, face charges of public indecency after the sex act
was seen at 8 p.m. on a monitor outside the booth. Police reports indicate
the couple noticed the photo booth as they entered
the park that morning. Caudill "casually mentioned
to his girlfriend that she could give him oral sex in this photo booth."
Whitaker stated they had no idea the monitor was stationed outside of
the booth. After snapping a photo of his favorite pose, Caudill realized
what had happened, ran outside and tried to cover the image on the monitor
with his hands. Man Cuts Off Hand to Claim Insurance TAIPEI -
You have to give this Taiwan insurance salesman a hand for originality
when he talked two friends into chopping off his left hand in an attempt
to collect on $645,000 worth of insurance policies. Huang Chun-ming, 35,
got liquored up before his friends chopped off his hand with a samurai
sword. While at the hospital, Chun-ming tried to pass the injury off as
a gruesome attack by a teenage motorcycle gang. One of Chun-ming's friends
admitted to committing the act due to the fact that Huang had ran up gambling
debts of T$20 million. Police reportedly found Chun-ming's missing hand
inside his home. Sao Paulo, Brazil - What do you do if you are a Siamese twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother Roberto. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a revolver and shot his brother in the head. They shared portions of the same circulatory system and when Roberto died, Marco soon followed. |
