Very Stupid Human Tricks III

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Stupid Stickups (on their own page)
Mistaken Rapture to Blame for Woman's Death 
Flying Frenchman Stuck on Lady Liberty 
Zealot Cuts Off Right Hand 
Teenage Gang Steals Wrong Drug 
Fake One Million Dollar Bill Used to Open Account  
Drunk Driver Inadvertently Turns Herself In  
Helicopter-Assisted Krispy Kreme Run 
A Stupid Way to Stay Sober Lands Man in Prison 
Students Put Hydrochloric Acid in Teacher's Coffee 
Soccer Dad Attacks Rival Player 
Canadian Pilot Can't Wait for Men's Room 
Japanese Woman Dies in Quest for Fargo Money 
Motorist Fires on Police for Help 
Man Decapitates Friend in Bizarre Fight 
Doofus Robbed by Faith Healer 
'Pig' Insult Incurs Unique Sentence 
Never Put a Lit Cigarette in Your Pocket  
The Orange Jumpsuit Gives Him Away
Man Steals Pickup, Drives Himself To Jail
Couple Busted For Drunk Driving
Teen Steals Teacher's SUV for Prom
Teacher's Porn an Eye-Opener for Students
13-Year-Old Spends $2 Million on Ebay
Cocaine Smugglers Take on the US Navy
'John' Seeks Advice from Police
5-Year-Old Shreds Dad's Salary
Proud Parents Busted for Cocaine
Tear Gas Stunt Clears Party
Fool Removed from International Flight
Psychic Blamed for Wrong Murder
Pop Star Loses Fingers to Helicopter
Disembowelment Proves Quite Complicated
Court Denies Name Change to God
Man Brings Coffin of Human Remains to the Party
Michael Jackson Dangles Infant from Balcony
Texas Man Shot for Taking Last Beer
Late-for-Work Story Over the Top
Jack Ass Sues Viacom
Teenager Steals Forklift
Stupid Drunk Driving Solution
Hit And Run Stupidity
Bogus Boy Scout Busted
College Student Afflicted With Scurvy
Stupid Contest Results in Ass-Burns
15-Year-Old Doses Parents
Woman Loses Arm to Lion
The Darwin Awards - on their own page!
Why Do You Think They Call it Dope? 
Peruvian Cuts Off Testicle in Protest 
Drinking Game With Live Grenade Results in 4 Deaths 
Teenager Jumps Out Window Over Cell Phone 
Satan Made Me View That Porn  
Man Loses Penis... And More to Cocaine Abuse 
Panic Caused by Deranged Man on Transit Car 
Hash-Laced Brownies a Bad Gift to Firefighters 
21-Year-Old Can't Remember Who His Wife Is 
Canadian Police Seeking Irradiated Thief 
Italian Man's Penis Severed by Vacuum Cleaner 
Why Do You Think They Call it Dope II? 
Electricity Thief Electrocuted 
Checkout Stand Rage Results in Fight 
Stupid Bits 
Teachers Scare Students: It's the End of the World 
Police Chief Commits Arson to Impress Ex
Practical Joke Lands Pennsylvania Man in Jail
Penis Enlargement Lands Credit Card Thief
Mom Busted for Daughter's Raunchy Party
Spelling Error Undoes Counterfeiter
Honest Honey - I Was Kidnapped
The Ball Washer is for GOLF Balls, Sir!
Women Fall for Free Mammogram Scam
Bigamist Tripped up by Newspaper Announcement
Naked Man Jumps On Family Car
Public Sex Stunt Kills Radio Show
Never Carjack a Judo Team
9-11 Tribute Goes Awry
Fans Attack First-Base Coach
Dressing Like a Convict is Dumb
Protect the Beer
Break-In Not Therapeutic to Relationship
Love Struck Teen Breaches Airport Security
Have Sex With Me or Die
Bingo Brawl Leads to Hospital
I'm So Glad to Be In… Where Am I?
One Bat-Burger, to Go, Please
Reptile-Protected Porn
Rugby Fan More Than Pissed Off
702 Needles Sounds About Right
Drunk Steals Tow-Truck
Fake Plastic Surgeon Busted
Surgeon 'Signs' His Work
Man Killed While Beating His Puppy
Courtney Love Disrupts Flight
Ranting About The Two Towers

 


Mistaken Rapture to Blame for Woman's Death

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who looks like very much like Jesus, was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose, releasing twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium which began floating up into the sky. Jenkins lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back," (as luck would have it) just as the Williams' car passed him. 

"She started screaming "He's back!, He's back!" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. 

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman.
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Why Do You Think They Call it Dope?

CAMANO ISLAND, Washington - Washington police arrested a stoned man who was found wandering around naked at the Stanwood Cinemas. However, indecent exposure was only one of this man's crimes. Apparently, when the officers asked the 30-year-old man what he did for a living, he told them that he grew marijuana. He then proceeded to ask the arresting officers for assistance in harvesting the crop. The officer said he was too lazy to help but offered to "go look at the man's operation," and the naked man agreed. In the outbuilding behind the man's mobile home, police found what they described as a "sophisticated hydroponic grow operation." The mellow man was very cooperative, even as police confiscated the plants, and even helped to load the equipment into police vehicles.
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Flying Frenchman Stuck on Lady Liberty

NEW YORK - A French man was caught in the middle of a daring stunt - first by Lady Liberty - then by police. Using a motorized-propeller device called a paramotor, Thierry Devaux intended to circle the statue Thursday morning, land on the narrow deck of the torch and then bungee jump off. But the 41-year-old's plans went haywire when his parachute ended up spiked on the statue's torch. After being rescued by city and U.S. Park Police, Devaux was handcuffed, taken to court and charged with four federal misdemeanor counts. Devaux defended his actions, saying it was not a daredevil stunt, yet just "an artistic way for me to express myself." This freedom of expression cost the artist $10,000 in bail money and his attorney expects the case to be resolved with "some sort of plea" by next week.


Peruvian Cuts Off Testicle in Protest

PERU - Apparently petitions and protest demonstrations aren't good enough for this Peruvian man. Laborer Eduardo Velez Alejos, 36, sliced off one of his testicles to protest his low wages when guards outside the Lima building refused to let him speak to President Carlos Ferrero Costa. This is not the only instance that Alejos has taken harm to his genital area for the sake of proving a point. Just last year he reportedly chopped off his penis in protest at not having a job. His penis had been successfully reattached, however, this time doctors failed to reattach the severed testicle during emergency surgery. Still, doctors say that Velez can maintain "a normal sex life."
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Zealot Cuts Off Right Hand

NORFOLK, Virginia - A demented zealot cut of his right hand after reading the biblical verse, "If thy right hand offends thee, cut it off and cast it from thee." He became convinced that his right hand had the number 666 ingrained in it and sawed it off. He refused to let doctors reattach the offending limb.
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Drinking Game With Live Grenade Results in 4 Deaths

ZAMBOANGA, Philippines -  According to police in the southern Philippines, four people were killed and five more wounded when a hand grenade they were playing with during a drinking session exploded. According to witnesses, the group was playing with the explosive like it was a toy, pulling out the pin and putting back its pin while they passed it around.
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Teenage Gang Steals Wrong Drug

NOBLESVILLE, Indiana - A teenaged gang robbed a vet's office looking for the heroin-like painkiller OxyContin. Instead they stole Oxytocin, which is used to induce childbirth. This drug has another quirky affect on men, it causes them to lactate. The actual drug they were looking for, Oxycontin, has been linked to several deaths, and is considered a major health problem in several parts of the country. According to Sergeant Eddie Moore, of the Hamilton County Sheriff's Department, these brainiacs also took nitrous oxide, or laughing gas, from another facility. The youths were arrested and charged with burglary and theft.
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Teenager Jumps Out Window Over Cell Phone

KIEV, Ukraine - One's teenage years can be awkward, self-conscious, and filled with peer pressure. One Ukrainian teenager took the peer pressure a little too seriously, however. When his mother refused his request for a mobile phone, he jumped from a fourth floor window. The 13-year-old boy was immediately taken to the hospital where he remained in critical condition. Though he lived, the boy sustained serious head injuries. The Ukraine is one of Europe's poorest countries, but Status-conscious teenagers have helped the mobile phone industry boom in the country.
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Fake One Million Dollar Bill Used to Open Account

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania - It's difficult to determine who is the dumbest participant in this story -- you be the judge. Dorothy Marie Livingston, 24, allegedly used a phony $1 million note to start an account at the First National Bank of Newport. The teller accepted it, apparently not seeing anything strange about the transaction. The fake $1 million bill is about 10 times the value of the largest bill ever printed by the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing, and 10,000 times the value of the largest bill still being printed today, according to the Treasury Department. Police say Livingston later withdrew some of the money and transferred it to her husband's account. She is now been charged with 16 counts of theft by deception and was being held on $25,000 bail.
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Satan Made Me View That Porn

"It was temptation by Satan, of course," protests David Stein, 44. The New Mexico state employee fired in December 1998 for accessing credit-card Web porn from his tax-department work site is now blaming his own horny error on Lucifer. Stein is appealing his dismissal despite his earlier confession that he did "look at some pictures and stuff" once because he was curious about "what kind of smut was available out there ... you know, so I could stay away from it." He laments that he became trapped in an "endless loop" of demonic filth as he frantically pressed the "back" button on his browser. "It just kept taking me deeper and deeper," he shudders. He eventually shut off his computer, but in less than an hour he was back at it because, "Satan told me to check it out some more." Stein testifies that he might have been targeted by the Lord of Hell because, "The stronger you are as a Christian, the more Satan works on you because he fears losing his grip on you.
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Drunk Driver Inadvertently Turns Herself In

NEW ZEALAND - A woman who was driving drunk became paranoid about being caught by the police "booze bus," which is part of the local force's anti-drunk-driving campaign. She stopped her car near Owaka on the country's South Island and gestured to a car to stop. She quickly asked the occupants if the booze bus had already left the area so she could drive again. Little did she know that the stopped car was an unmarked police vehicle. They gave her a breath test and charged her with drunk driving. Sergeant Kelvin Lloyd of Balclutha police said, "If drunk-driving was not such a serious matter, this would have been very funny." 
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Helicopter-Assisted Krispy Kreme Run

ALBUQUERQUE - The phrase "gross misappropriation of resources" has new meaning for one Albuquerque policeman and his pilot. The officer and the civilian pilot were on night patrol over the city in a Kiowa OH-58 helicopter when they landed in a vacant lot next to a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. "The pilot and a police officer landed the copter early in the morning, ran in and grabbed a dozen, came back out and took off," Albuquerque Police Department spokesman Brian McCutcheon said. "I don't know whose brain child it was, but it's an ugly child," he added. A Krispy Kreme employee didn't see why people were making a big deal of the unusual doughnut run. "Cops got to eat, too," he said. disciplinary measures are being considered.
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Man Loses Penis... And More to Cocaine Abuse

WASHINGTON (UPI)--Doctors warned Friday of a potentially dangerous new method of cocaine abuse-- injecting the drug directly into the urinary tract--a practice that led to complications costing one man his penis, nine of his fingers and parts of his legs.

In a letter to the Journal of the American Medical Association, physicians from New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center report the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after he pumped cocaine into the urethra of his penis.

The man was admitted to a New York hospital for a problem with his penis, which had remained erect for three days resulting in a painful inability to urinate. The man told doctors that in the weeks before his hospitalization, he had occasionally injected cocaine into his penis before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance.

On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly went down, but blood leaked into the tissues and coagulated under the skin of his feet, hands, genitals, back and chest over the next 12 hours. Despite intensive medical treatment, doctors were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee and all but one of his fingers. The patient's penis fell off by itself, doctors said.

A Hospital spokesman said the severe problem with blood coagulation may have been caused by the prolonged erection, which is called priapism. ``But more likely it was caused by cocaine or impurities in the cocaine,'' he said.
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A Stupid Way to Stay Sober Lands Man in Prison

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A man wanting to stay sober volunteered to serve part of his friend's one-month drunk-driving sentence. The 51-year-old Swede wanted to see if he could pose as his friend and fool the justice system, but he was discovered two weeks into the sentence. The man said, "I wanted to go to jail to stop myself from drinking for a few weeks. My pal didn't think it would work. He agreed to let me try. I borrowed his ID card and identified myself as him at the prison." He has since been charged with perjury and wrongful use of another person's identity.
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Panic Caused by Deranged Man on Transit Car

WASHINGTON - When a somewhat deranged man ran into a Washington Metro Transit car and began spraying a liquid into the air, the passengers, already keyed up due to the U.S. bombing in Afghanistan, began to panic. Police subdued the man with pepper spray and immediately quarantined the car for fear of a possible chemical or biological threat. Many passengers began to complain of dry mouth and nausea, but a full decontamination procedure showed the substance was only a common household cleaner.
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Students Put Hydrochloric Acid in Teacher's Coffee

AURORA, Illinois - Two suburban Chicago middle-school students thought it would be funny to put hydrochloric acid in their teacher's coffee. The teacher had just warned the students about the dangers of the acid and briefly left the room to monitor the hall. One girl was on the lookout while the other put the acid in the mug. The teacher spit out the coffee after just a sip, but he still suffered severe mouth burns. The two students have been charged as juveniles with felony aggravated battery and are being held in juvenile detention.
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Hash-Laced Brownies a Bad Gift to Firefighters

INDIANA - As a joke, Susanne Cole thought it would humorous to give hash-laced brownies to a group of 11 Elkhart firefighters last December. The dessert incapacitated all of the rescuers while on duty, even though they still responded to an emergency call. Judge Terry Shewmaker didn't see the humor in the situation and sentenced the prankster to four years in prison despite her weeping plea for leniency. She was officially charged with two felony counts of battery on firefighters and two misdemeanor counts of criminal recklessness. Fire Chief Jerry Vaughn testified that a paramedic went on call under the influence. "It could have been critical to a patient," he said.
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Soccer Dad Attacks Rival Player

Parents can get quite fanatical when it comes to their kids. Take, for example, a soccer dad who was arrested this week for allegedly attacking a player on his son's rival soccer team. It started as a harmless soccer game between two rival teams in Weymouth, Massachusetts. With under a minute to go, and the score still 0-0, the opposing team's Eric Dannenberg slide-tackled Weymouth's Matt Walsh and knocked him down. Referees claimed the tackle was legal, and play resumed. It was then that Kieran Whelan, 45, allegedly stormed onto the field, tripped Dannenberg, and punched him twice. After that, "all hell broke loose," according to Framingham athletic director. Police arrived at the scene and arrested Whelan. League official Bill Gaine said, "Parents lose it when they go to their kids' games...They turn from fan to fanatic." Whelan pleaded innocent to the charges.
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21-Year-Old Can't Remember Who His Wife Is

LAS VEGAS/LONDON - 21-year-old British student James Cripps had a swinging time during his visit to Sin City. He drank, he gambled, he drank some more, and then he got married. The problem is that Cripps has little memory of his new wife, nor can he recall much of the ceremony. Once back home he put off telling his girlfriend about his new wife for several days, but now that the news has been broken he has begun the humiliating process of trying to find his bride, a 26-year-old optician from Australia, and to persuade her to agree to an annulment. "I was way too drunk," he was quoted as saying, "We thought it would be a laugh if we got married." He added: "It was funny for a while, but now my ex-girlfriend is never going to talk to me again."
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Canadian Police Seeking Irradiated Thief

VANCOUVER, British Columbia - A thief in British Columbia got more than he bargained for when he stole a few hundred dollars worth of tools from a weather station. Police say the thief was exposed to radiation when entering and leaving the unmanned station at Mount Sicker on southern Vancouver Island through a Doppler Radar dome near the top of the facility. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police issued an unusual warning urging the thief to seek medical treatment immediately, reminding him or her that the visit can remain secret because of doctor-patient confidentiality rules. "Human exposure to this type of radiation could result in permanent damage to soft tissue, i.e. eyes and testicles," police concluded in a statement.
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Canadian Pilot Can't Wait for Men's Room

A pilot sparked a response from emergency crews after pulling off a Canadian airport runway to urinate. The man had touched down at Calgary International and was so desperate for the toilet that he drove his Cessna light aircraft onto the grass. After relieving himself in front of responding fire and ambulance crews, he taxied to a private terminal where he was met by police. Officers discovered the pilot had delivered his daughter and fiancÚ to the airport so they could catch a holiday flight. Constable Jack Leyung told the Calgary Sun: "Landing with a full bladder and unable to wait until he could taxi into a terminal, he pulled off onto the grass of the runway, climbed out of his plane, and relieved himself."
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Japanese Woman Dies in Quest for Fargo Money

According to the Bismarck Tribune, 28-year-old Takako Konishi of Tokyo died while in search of the money she saw buried in the movie "Fargo." She flew into Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with a homemade map to begin her quest. Police picked her up rummaging around a landfill in Bismarck, and when they figured out what she was trying to do they tried to explain to her that "Fargo" was a fictional story, but faced a language barrier. "She apparently had money, so she wasn't in need of a place to stay or anything," Police told the Tribune. Konishi's body was discovered a week later in Detroit Lakes. No signs of foul play were apparent.
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Italian Man's Penis Severed by Vacuum Cleaner

ITALY - A 63-year-old Italian man was vacuuming and decided to watch a porn tape to keep him entertained.  He became so aroused that he put his penis into the vacuum cleaner and part of it was chopped off by the cleaner's fan. He hastily put the severed part into the freezer as he called an ambulance for help. He carried the separate piece to the hospital wrapped in a newspaper where he told doctors he had cut it off when shaving his pubic hair. Officials alerted the police anyway. Police later found blood on the man's vacuum, and he finally admitted how this happened. The severed piece was reattached during surgery, but doctors don't expect it to function properly again. 
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Motorist Fires on Police for Help

When a motorist's Toyota got a flat tire, he saw salvation in a passing police officer. But the officer was going by too fast, so what else could the motorist do but shoot his gun at them to attract attention? The policemen were shaken by the gunshot as they passed the Toyota and immediately called for backup. They then confronted the 24-year-old driver. He has since been charged with attempted murder. The motorist maintains he simply wanted help changing his tire. No news yet on why the driver had a gun to begin with.
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Why Do You Think They Call it Dope II?

MUNCIE, Ind.- A 26-year-old Chicago man doesn't remember how he ended up naked and beaten, but police think it may have something to do with the LSD-laced marijuana he smoked. Police say (name removed to protect the STUPID) woke up in a Muncie, Indiana hospital covered in cuts and bruises, after allegedly taking his clothes off and trying to break into two homes. "He said he doesn't remember anything other than he was smoking marijuana and that it was laced with LSD," said Muncie Deputy Chief Terry Winters. "And the next thing he remembered he was he was in the hospital."
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Man Decapitates Friend in Bizarre Fight

FEBRUARY 4, 2002 - Dennis George Roache, 34, was arrested after beheading rival Gregory Shannon during a fight and placing the severed head on the hood of a car for neighbors to see. According to police in St. Petersburg, they were called to the home in South St. Petersburg shortly before 8:30 a.m. by a woman who said she had barricaded herself in a bathroom when her former boyfriend broke into the home of her current boyfriend. Roache and Shannon began fighting and Shannon was stabbed several times with the machete. Roache then used the machete to decapitate Shannon. According to police, Roache, who has a history of mental illness, was trying to arrange a mirror in front of the decapitated head "so Shannon could see himself if he were still alive." Roache is currently being held without bail on a first-degree murder charge.
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Electricity Thief Electrocuted

DETROIT - It was lights out for a middle-aged thief when he tried to steal electricity off of a power line with automotive jumper cables. According to police, the man had climbed a metal ladder with the jumper cables in his hand around 7:55 p.m. He fell off of the ladder and the power line fell on top of him. He was electrocuted as the power line came into contact with him. He was apparently squatting in the abandoned building close by the lines. Police are still trying to identify the man.
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Doofus Robbed by Faith Healer

SANTIAGO, Chile - Alejandra V, 30, trusted her faith healer and generally followed the woman's advice. It was no different when the healer advised Alejandra to carry all her money with her to improve her self-worth. Thus, she began carrying her life savings with her at all times. Unfortunately, the faith healer took advantage and promptly robbed the woman at their next meeting. The "healer" hypnotized her and then took all the money. Alejandra didn't realize her savings was missing until she got home. She immediately contacted the police and informed them that the healer told her that she was a victim of black magic and needed to be exorcised. The healer would commonly say prayers and conduct spells during the sessions and even boiled an egg in the customer's urine. The faith healer has since disappeared, and police don't have any leads.
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Checkout Stand Rage Results in Fight

LOWELL, Massachusetts - Checkout rage has officially reached new levels. One too many people brought more items to an express lane than allowed, and a customer snapped. When a 51-year-old woman accidentally bought 13 items in a 12 items or fewer checkout lane, the lady behind her could no longer contain herself. She attacked the shopper outside the store and kicked and punched her. She has since been charged with assault. 

A Lowell, Mass., woman faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted of shopping cart rage. Actually, the charges against Karen Morgan, according to the syndicated column The Supermarket Shopper, are assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (her shoe). It seems Morgan objected to Alice Tooks, the shopper in line in front of her, trying to sneak 13 items into a checkout lane that was for 12 items or fewer. The ladies took their dispute outside -- where insults and profanities reportedly escalated to physical combat. Tooks said Morgan shoved her to the ground and kicked her in the head. Morgan claims Tooks was the assailant and that she was only trying to protect herself.
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'Pig' Insult Incurs Unique Sentence

PAINESVILLE, Ohio - A 44-year-old man in Ohio was forced to serve his sentence with a sow after calling a police officer a pig. Steven Thompson had used the word "pig" while shouting obscenities in a January 28 confrontation with a city police officer. Painesville Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti ordered the sentence instead of jail time following Thompson's guilty plea to disorderly conduct. A lunchtime crowd jeered and joked with Thompson as he stood on a city sidewalk arm in hoof with the 350-pound pig for two hours. There was a sign reading "This is not a police officer."  
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Burglar Calls Victim for Pin Numbers

GRIMSBY, United Kingdom - What good are bank cards without the appropriate pin numbers and access codes? After a burglar stole a woman's purse containing bank cards, he couldn't make use of them without the pin numbers. The thief then phoned the victim for her code. The woman refused, of course, and the burglar was unable to obtain any funds. PC Ron Harrison told the local newspaper that he warns "people never to disclose their bank details over the phone."
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Never Put a Lit Cigarette in Your Pocket

TALLAHASSEE, Florida - The fact that one's trousers usually doesn't make a suitable ashtray should be obvious to even the most casual observer. However, it apparently slipped by this Florida man. Carl Franklin reportedly stuck a burning cigarette in his pocket while urinating in a public place. When a policeman yelled at him to stop Franklin took off running. Tallahassee Police Officer Seth Stoughton chased after Franklin, yelling for him to hit the ground, as his pants began smoldering. Franklin kept going - until his trousers slipped from his grasp and dropped at his feet. He took a tumble, and Stoughton dived on top of him, slapping at the fire. Franklin was still trying to get away, punching and kicking, until another officer arrived and completely pulled off the burning pants.
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Airport Screener Sleeping on the Job

LOUISVILLE - According to the FAA, passengers had to go back through security at Louisville International Airport before boarding their planes on Tuesday because a security screener had fallen asleep on the job. The federal government took over security at the nation's airports on Sunday and one security screener figured that by day two he had accumulated enough seniority to earn himself a little nap. While he was romping happily in dreamland as many as 1000 potential terrorists filed past his station. One American Airline flight that had pulled away from the gate had to be brought back and emptied. Twenty to twenty-five planes were delayed during the re-screening.
 
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Man Killed by Fireworks Mortar

BAY SHORE, New York - Peeking inside a 5-inch mortar tube after an aerial bomb failed to launch properly proved deadly for a man during a neighborhood party. Keith Seymour, 34, was killed after a charge went off while he was looking inside the mortar tube to see why the explosive failed to fire. According to the Suffolk County police, the intensity of the blast partially decapitated Seymour. The accident remains under investigation.
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Stupid Bits 

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
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Teachers Scare Students: It's the End of the World

CANADA - Drama teachers prefaced their lesson for the day with the usual disclaimer that everything within their skit would be fictitious. Unfortunately, some drama students at  Bushfield Community College in Peterborough were unable to separate fact from fiction on this fateful day. In that day's drama lesson, teachers pretended to cry as they informed students that Osama bin Laden had escaped from Afghanistan and detonated a nuclear bomb in Britain. Furthermore, the teachers told the students to call their parents and say goodbye because the end of the world would be in minutes. Some students left the room in tears, worrying about their loved ones. The teachers claim the students "took it out of context", but education chiefs have officially apologized on behalf of the school for any alarm they caused for the 15 and 16-year-old students.
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Police Chief Commits Arson to Impress Ex

MINNESOTA - Police chief John Tuchek desperately wanted to impress his ex-girlfriend in the hopes of winning her back. What's one way to impress someone? Be a hero. Tuchek decided to start a small fire by his ex-girlfriend's apartment and then was going to put it out and rescue her. But plans went  awry. He set fire to boxes at the back of the apartment, but the fire engulfed a shop, two historic buildings, and the homes of 10 people. Tuchek reported the fire to firefighters and ran upstairs to save his ex-girlfriend. He now faces nine counts of arson and six counts of criminal damage; Tuchek quit the force before his court appearance. County Sheriff Jim Connolly summed up the events: "You put the fire out, you are a hero and she comes back to you or they see you in a better light. Unfortunately, this fire got out of control and quite a disaster resulted."

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The Orange Jumpsuit Gives Him Away

ZEPHYRHILLS, Florida - Korey Bradd Henderson, a 25-year-old of Lakeland, Florida decided to wear a bright orange jail uniform to a hard rock concert when he was supposed to be under house arrest. When Pasco County sheriff's detective Mark Morrison approached Henderson in his jailhouse garb, he took off running and ran straight into two other deputies. Henderson at first told them the getup was a Halloween costume. But when the deputies checked with the officials at Polk County jail, they confirmed that one uniform was indeed missing. A warrants check told deputies that Henderson was supposed to be on house arrest in Lakeland as part of his probation on a charge of illegal possession of narcotics. Henderson is still wearing a jail uniform as he awaits his next trial. Back to the Top


Practical Joke Lands Pennsylvania Man in Jail

PENNSYLVANIA - A sick practical joke ended with a Pennsylvania man laughing himself all the way back to prison. Jeffrey Barber apparently thought it would be a regular laugh riot to scare his wife by pretending he had been shot. After firing his .22-caliber rifle in the house, the 44-year-old proceeded to smear himself with tomato sauce and lay on the floor. When the missus called 911 to come to her husband's aid, the police found he was very much alive, and violating the terms of his parole by owning several guns. Barber pled guilty to illegal ownership of the firearms, and had to face the mandatory sentence of 15-years to life.
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Man Steals Pickup, Drives Himself To Jail

VERMONT - It is probably not a bright idea to drive yourself to jail in a stolen pickup truck. Maybe someone should have clued Robert Shaida of Vermont of this little fact. Apparently, Shaida was supposed to turn himself in to serve a brief sentence for driving with a suspended license. According to officers, Shaida tried to report to the Woodstock jail, but was told he would have to go to the prison in Rutland, about 35 miles away. So, Shaida allegedly climbed into an unlocked pickup, found the keys and drove himself to the Marble Valley Correctional Facility. Even though Shaida confessed to taking the pickup, he still faces charges of driving a vehicle without the owner's consent, and driving with a suspended license.
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Penis Enlargement Lands Credit Card Thief

AUSTRALIA - When 18-year-old Andrew Ronald Potter couldn't pay his bills, he stole his former flatmate's credit card. In addition to charging his electric bill and hotel accommodations, he also bought a penis enlarger. Potter ordered the device through a mail order company, and his ex-friend discovered the charges on his credit card statement. The embarrassed Potter plead guilty to eight fraud charges. Magistrate Trevor Allingham showed no mercy and said, "Why you did it, I have no idea. It was incredibly stupid and was almost inevitable you had to be found out. I hope this one incredibly stupid event is not going to affect the rest of your life."
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Couple Busted For Drunk Driving

ST GEORGES, Delaware - It was double trouble for a Delaware couple when a woman was arrested for drunk driving after she drove to the police station so pick up her husband who had just been charged with the same thing. Dianna Garwood, 36, was reportedly in her husband's 2001 Ford Mustang when he was arrested around 10 p.m. Police told the woman specifically not to drive to pick up her husband when they drove her home for she had been drinking as well. According to Patrolman Trinidad Navarro, Dianna Garwood was sitting behind the wheel of a pickup truck when an officer walked Eric Garwood, 39, outside to meet his ride. She was immediately arrested. Navarro would not release the blood-alcohol levels of the Garwoods, but said both were above the legal limit of 0.10.
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Teen Steals Teacher's SUV for Prom

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - Ahh, high school memories. Graduation. Prom. Robbery charges. At least for 18-year-old Brian Njau. When it came time to take his girlfriend to the prom, Njau panicked. He didn't have a car and renting one proved to be unfeasible. So, as teacher Stacy Stoudt left the building last Friday, Njau used an unloaded BB gun to force her into giving up her sport utility vehicle. Police found the SUV in a hotel parking lot the next day, and Njau is being held on $100,000 bail for robbery, aggravated assault and other charges at Berks Country Prison. The student explains that he wasn't thinking clearly when he held up the teacher: "I don't have credit, so I couldn't [rent] a car. I wasn't thinking straight."
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Mom Busted for Daughter's Raunchy Party

HERNANDO, Florida - Melissa Balkcom was arrested last week on two charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition after she held a sexually oriented birthday party for her daughter and friends. During the course of the gathering, the 200-pound Balkcom performed nude jumping jacks and encouraged the 9-13-year-old girls to do so as well. Additionally, she dared a 13-year old child to demonstrate oral sex on a bottle. The 27-year-old mother dared other kids to "French kiss" the television, perform lap dances in a chair, and "lap wiggle" one another. Detective Portia Guinn said "Most of the girls at the party didn't even know what a lot of these things were." Balkcom quickly educated the youngsters and now faces a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Balkcom admits she made a mistake.
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Teacher's Porn an Eye-Opener for Students

WILTSHIRE, England - A group of students at a leading independent school in Wiltshire were diligently taking a mock exam when a few of them looked up and saw naked breasts. Apparently the teacher overseeing the exam, Richard Jowett, was busy looking up porn sites on his computer; only, he forgot that it was linked up to the monitor, and several students caught an eyeful on the large screen. After the test, one student reported the images to another staff member, and an investigation is underway. Head teacher Edward Gould said, "Three weeks ago, while invigilating a practice examination for 17 pupils, Richard Jowett used the computer and entered a website for 13 minutes containing still photographs of naked adult women." Gould continued, saying that "Mr. Jowett is currently on sick leave."
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Spelling Error Undoes Counterfeiter

With all the new technology available today it's not that tough to make rip-off copies of things. A really good graphics-capable computer can crank out fairly good currency. And there are ways of producing credit cards. But even the best machinery can't correct spelling errors. And an error in spelling is what tripped up a man who tried to make fake credit cards. According to news reports in Vancouver, Wash., the man was sentenced to prison on nearly two-dozen counts of identify theft. What tipped off merchants and the police is that in making fake Platinum Mastercards, he spelled the word "Plotinum."
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Honest Honey - I Was Kidnapped

BRAZIL - Instead of facing the music, some Brazilian men are claiming they were kidnapped after actually staying out all night with their secret lovers. Police have received 30 "flash-kidnapping" complaints thus far this year, and four of them have been from unfaithful husbands who lied. Those four have been charged with wasting police time and face a maximum of six months in jail. And they haven't even dealt with their wives yet.
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13-Year-Old Spends $2 Million on Ebay

ROGERS, Ohio - A 13-year-old boy spent about $2 million from a school computer buying a helicopter, a jet and other items over the Internet using a password belonging to a friend's mother, authorities said. The woman discovered the purchases the day the helicopter's owner called and asked how she intended to pay for the aircraft. She is having the purchases canceled. The $1.1 million helicopter is a used military model. The boy has not made it clear what he intended to do with his purchases.
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The Ball Washer is for GOLF Balls, Sir!

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Mr. Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, that he was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
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Cocaine Smugglers Take on the US Navy

BOGATA, Columbia - A group of drug runners may have been sampling too much of their own product when they dumped millions of dollars worth of cocaine into the ocean, stripped off their clothes, doused themselves with gasoline and then rammed a U.S. Navy vessel with their speedboat. Officials said that American sailors aboard the USS De Werth had spotted the men and what they suspected to be their cocaine-laden boat while on routine patrol in international waters off Colombia's main Pacific coast port of Buena Ventura.the cocaine was recovered and the unlucky smugglers, one of whom was injured in the high seas collision, were all taken into custody.
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'John' Seeks Advice from Police

When police were stopped at a scene, they thought they had come across a routine couple arguing. Only this time it was a customer and a prostitute haggling over prices. The Spanish customer refused to pay the prostitute because of what he called "a very unsatisfactory performance." After arguing with her for some time, he stopped a police car patrolling the area so he wouldn't have to pay her. The police told the man if he didn't pay, he had the option of suing the hooker and explaining all the details in court. The man opted to pay and quickly left.
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5-Year-Old Shreds Dad's Salary

CATANIA, Sicily - Grandparents often share their sage advice with youngsters to teach them the values of life. A five-year-old Sicilian boy took his grandfather's wisdom a bit too literally when he told him, "money is just worthless trash." The very next day the grandson helped his 33-year-old father get rid of his "trash." The boy found a wad of cash in his dad's wallet and tore it up into little pieces until it was unusable. Just in case, he threw the remains out of the window. It turns out the wad of money was actually his father's entire monthly salary. Now it's just worthless confetti.
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Women Fall for Free Mammogram Scam

Police in Portugal are investigating a complaint by four women who stripped naked to their waist and stood at their windows so they could have a mammogram by satellite. The women, aged between 19 and 45 years, say a woman identifying herself as a doctor rang them on the phone, proposing a revolutionary method to examine their breasts. They were told to expose their chest and stand either at their window or on a balcony in the direction of the supposed satellite. However, when the woman rang back with the mammogram results, she instead vividly described her sexual desires.
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Proud Parents Busted for Cocaine

KANSAS CITY - What should have been a celebratory event turned into a drug bust. When a 23-year-old man's wife went into labor at their apartment, he immediately called 911 and told the operator they needed an ambulance. He was in such a frenzied state that he neglected to tell them it was for a pregnancy. So, police were called to the scene first.When they reached the apartment, the door was ajar so they entered the premises. By this point, the place was empty, On their way out, the police noticed a brick of pressed powder on the kitchen table, sitting next to scales. Investigators determined the "powder" to be almost $12,000 worth of cocaine. They found $3,500 more in cocaine in the kitchen. In the meantime, husband and wife gave birth in the hospital. Later that night, the husband returned home with relatives, where police were waiting to slap the bracelets on him and book him in the country jail. They will still need to speak with the new mother.
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Bigamist Tripped up by Newspaper Announcement

MUNCIE, Indiana - Michelle Youngblood casually flipped through the morning paper when she came across the listing of marriage licenses. One name in particular caught her attention: her husband's. While being married to her, 26-year-old Leo Youngblood also married Rebecca Copley in April. Stunned at her husband's wedding announcement, she immediately contacted police and reported the second marriage. Leo Youngblood has been charged with bigamy, which is a felony with a 1 1/2-year prison term.
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Tear Gas Stunt Clears Party

MARSEILLES, Illinois - Police are investigating a stunt from last week that involved tear gas. A group of men, which may have included two emergency workers, held hands in a circle, ignited a gas canister, and waited to see who could tough it out the longest. They failed to take into account the block party that was occurring nearby. Police responded to an emergency call. Police chief James Hovious said, "The gas was causing respiratory problems for the victims, irritating their eyes." Hovious estimated that 5-10 people at the party were affected by the gas, but no one needed to be transported to the hospital. Police have one suspect who set off the gas, but no arrests have been made.
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Naked Man Jumps On Family Car

JACKSONVILLE, Florida - A happy young couple was driving through Jacksonville with their three-year-old daughter when a naked man tried to get in their car. Startled, they immediately locked the doors and attempted to drive away. The nudist clung to the hood and banged on the windscreen. His bizarre behavior didn't end there - he then jumped on the roof in a surfing motion. After that, he jumped to the ground, where he was found not moving. Frazzled, he was unable to answer questions and was taken to jail on indecent exposure and criminal damage charges. Police report the nude surfer was under drug influence.
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Public Sex Stunt Kills Radio Show

NEW YORK - Two New York DJs, Gregg "Opie" Hughes and Anthony Cumia of WNEW-FM, decided they would hold a contest in which listeners would be challenged to have sex in high-risk places. Their contest came to an abrupt end after a Virginia couple was busted going at it in the famous St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York during a live broadcast. Apparently, the couple was having sex in a vestibule a few feet away from worshipers observing the Feast of Assumption. The "Opie and Anthony Show" has been suspended.
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Fool Removed from International Flight

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic - When flying into the United States it's better not to make comments to your fellow passengers to the effect of, "It's much easier to smuggle weapons onto planes in the Dominican Republic." The unidentified man made the comment to two North American passengers just moments after takeoff. They wasted no time in informing the flight crew that a potential maniac was on board and the pilots landed the plane immediately. Police arrested the passenger on the ground, but discovered he was not armed with any weapons, or common sense.
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Never Carjack a Judo Team

LOS ANGELES - Tyrone Jermaine Hogan picked the wrong car to mess with when he attempted to carjack the Florida International University judo team. After having completed one carjacking that evening, Hogan drove six blocks to a service station where he encountered a member of the team and attempted to reach in the van and steal the keys. The men proceeded to wrestle him to the floor until the police got there. "We had this guy like a pretzel on the ground," said instructor Nestor Bustillo.
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Psychic Blamed for Wrong Murder

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- Marcus Isom claimed a spiritual advisor from Miss Cleo's psychic hotline led him to kill the wrong man. Apparently Isom believed the man he killed, Lemuel James Larkin, had stolen $15,000 in drug money from him and ordered his death to retaliate. Isom has been sentenced to life in prison. Miss Cleo declined to comment.
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Pop Star Loses Fingers to Helicopter

GUATEMALA CITY - Doctors reattached three fingers to the hand of a 16-year-old pop singer, after they were severed by a helicopter rotor as he waved to fans. Ricardo Abarca was getting off the aircraft at a Guatemala City airport. In raising his hand to greet fans, he put it into the still-whirling rotor. "The index finger and middle finger are completely recovered," the surgeon said. "We only have some problems with blood circulation in the little finger." Abarca, who recently joined the popular teen group Mageneto, was hospitalized in Guatemala.
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9-11 Tribute Goes Awry

Having a flock of doves soar past lower Manhattan, where the World Trade Center towers once stood, was to be a dignified Sept. 11 tribute on behalf of Jersey City, N.J. The New York Times reports there was a small problem. The birds were pigeons, not doves, and many couldn't fly. The Times says many of the birds plunged into the Hudson River, some ran head-first into plate-glass windows on office buildings and others flew into the crowd, one resting on the hard hat of a construction worker whose company had helped clear debris after the terrorist attacks. Organizers say they tried to hire a professional bird release company and found all were booked, so instead they bought 80 birds from a Newark poultry market.
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Fans Attack First-Base Coach

CHICAGO Two drunken buffoons, a father and his son, charged onto the field Thursday night during the Sox vs. Kansas City Royals game at Comiskey Park and attacked Royal's first-base coach, Tom Gamboa. They caught 54-year-old Gamboa from behind and hit him a number of times over the head. At the time he was hit, Gamboa's attention was focused on the play at hand. His visible injuries were minor, including a small cut above the eye and a few bruises. As soon as Gamboa hit the ground his players rushed to his aid, piling on top of the two attackers and going at them until security could get the situation under control. William Ligue Jr. and his son are being charged with aggravated battery. Their reason for attacking? Ligue's 15-year-old son said Gamboa had flicked them off and got what was coming to him.
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Disembowelment Proves Quite Complicated

KAZAKHSTAN - In an extreme protest against prison condi-tions, 43 inmates at the Kazakhstan's Aktubinsk penal colony threatened officials with a mass suicide. However, the attempt failed as prisoners endeavored to complete the difficult task of self-disembowelment by shoe horn. Although commonly perceived as deadly, the shoe horn stabbing limited the inmates to minor injuries. After their bizarre stunt, prisoners ended up with further criminal charges against them. The added penalties will give inmates more time to think of tools that may inflict a little more bodily harm next time.
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Dressing Like a Convict is Dumb

A 20-year-old man was detained by two off-duty Michigan Department of Corrections employees and an off-duty Lake County reserve officer when he walked into a gas station dressed in what they thought was a prison uniform. The man was wearing a blue shirt and blue pants with orange stripes down the sides. The officers duct-taped his hands together and searched him for weapons before asking gas station employees to contact the authorities. Within 30 minutes, authorities found the man was not an escaped convict.
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Court Denies Name Change to God

A Florida judge wouldn't let him change his name to "God", so Charles Haffey searched the Bible for a passage that would inspire him. The 55-year-old Haffey suffers from panic and anxiety since his days in Vietnam and sought a symbolic death to end his suffering so he could begin anew. He even bought a tombstone marking his death. Finally, Judge Vernon Douglas laid Charles Haffey to rest, the report says. He granted a petition to change the man's name to "I am who I am," a Bible reference to what God told Moses. "Well Hallelujah judge," I am who I am said the moment he was "born" again, the Lake City Reporter reports. He walked through the swinging door leading out of the courtroom murmuring, "My heart's beating again."
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Protect the Beer

MISSISSAUGA, Canada - A motorist was pulled over by police after they spotted his nine-year-old son jumping around in the back seat. When police approached the car, they discovered that the man felt it only necessary to buckle up what was most dear to him: a case of beer. Traffic sergeant Cam Woolley noticed the bottles of brew strapped tightly in the passenger seat while the child remained unprotected. Woolley commented, "It was like this guy cared more for his precious beer bottles getting smashed than he did for his son going through the windshield." Fortunately, the man's prized possession avoided any possible danger. The kid was okay too.
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Man Brings Coffin of Human Remains to the Party

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. - An Indiana man came up with a good scare tactic for his next Halloween party. While Nick Yinger was roaming the waste ground behind a petrol station, he stumbled upon a coffin filled with human bones. Yinger then placed it in the front seat of his car and drove it to his house. Not realizing the bones actually belonged to a former human being, (he thought they were fake) he said that, "It looked pretty cool." Upon a friend's advice, Yinger finally called the police. Authorities are trying to dig up some clues as to where the remains came from and who they belong to.
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Break-In Not Therapeutic to Relationship

HELENA - A 27-year-old Helena man surrendered to police after he allegedly convinced two other men to break into his house and bind him and his estranged wife with duct tape. Chad Porter hoped the staged assault would mend the couple's relationship by showing the woman she needed her husband's protection. Apparently Porter was moving out of his estranged wife's house when two men wearing white masks burst in carrying a revolver and a bat. They ordered the couple on the floor, ripped the telephone cord from the wall and duct-taped the couple together before leaving. Unfortunately, Porter's wife recognized the voice of one of the attackers as being Porter's younger brother, 17-year-old Blake Noy, consequentially ruining his whole plan.
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Michael Jackson Dangles Infant from Balcony

Pop star Michael Jackson admits he made an error in judgment when he dangled his infant son off of a fourth-floor hotel balcony in Germany Tuesday. Jackson, who was in Berlin to accept an award, says he was just showing the child off to his adoring fans below and never meant to hurt or scare his baby boy. "I made a terrible mistake," Jackson said in a statement. "I got caught up in the excitement of the moment. I would never intentionally endanger the lives of my children." photos and video of Jackson laughing and dangling the wriggling toddler off of the terrace shot around the world quickly after the incident occurred. Widely published, the grotesque images of the singer's helpless baby, his tiny head covered with a towel and little bare feet kicking the metal railing made the covers of New York's two competing tabloids, one with the headline "Over the Edge," the other proclaiming Jackson "Wacko." According to the New York Post, German authorities have launched an investigation into the act, while Jacko's friend, the spoon-bending psychic Uri Geller, said he'll confront the entertainer to ask: "Michael, what have you done?" "I expected him to be eccentric, but not to be crazy," onlooker Jutta Schmidt told the New York Daily News. "Just one false move and that child would have been killed." "If I was a cop in Berlin, I'd arrest him for endangering a child," said WLIB radio talk show host Mark Riley, who watched on television. "The child could have very well been killed."

JACKSON BABY FLAP NOT OVER YET

Authorities in Germany might not see anything criminal in dangling an infant off a hotel balcony, but child protection officers in the United States think otherwise. The World Entertainment News Network reports disgraced pop star Michael Jackson could lose his 9-month-old son as Los Angeles authorities investigate whether he is fit to be a father. Jackson's competence was called into question last week when he was photographed holding Prince Michael II over the railing of a fourth-story hotel terrace in Berlin. German police decided not to investigate Jackson, insisting there was no evidence he committed a crime. Child protection officers in Jackson's native California, however, want to find out who the mother of his baby is so they can ask her if she thinks the rock star is fit to raise the child. A source told WENN: "Jackson will not be able to say no to their request. They are concerned and watch him like a hawk." Jackson has two older children by former wife Debbie Rowe. The singer has refused to offer details about his youngest child, however, only announcing his existence this summer.
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Love Struck Teen Breaches Airport Security

A love struck teenager breached airport security by jumping a fence and taking off down the runway in an attempt to catch the plane his girlfriend was on. Apparently he wanted to say goodbye to her and wasn't able to due to the presence of her parents who didn't approve of the relationship. The plane was a B737 that carries 12 business and 142 economy class passengers. Authorities maintained the 19-year-old boy was love struck and posed no threat. An eyewitness said, "I thought he would get sucked into the engines but security and police officers stopped him from reaching the plane."
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Have Sex With Me or Die

CROATIA - While some love-seekers will take the traditional route of dining or dancing before heading into the sack, one Croatian woman decided to cut right to the chase. Listeners of a Croatian radio show were shocked as they heard the 35-year-old woman, named Vesna G., threaten to shoot her favorite radio presenter if he did not agree to have sex with her. The public was speechless as they heard the woman shout, "Have sex with me or die!" What many thought was a joke was only too real as the woman held the helpless Josip Portada at gunpoint. Bravely, Portada managed to talk the woman out of her demands and called the police.
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Texas Man Shot for Taking Last Beer

BANDERA, Texas - A jury on Thursday handed a life prison sentence to a Texas man who shot and killed a longtime friend he accused of drinking the last beer in his refrigerator. Jurors deliberated for less than two hours before passing the sentence on Steven Brasher, 42, for the murder of Willie Lawson, 39, on Nov. 5 last year. "There was only two beers left, so I took one, and I told Willie not to take my last beer," Brasher said in a taped statement that was played during the trial. Testimony showed Brasher shot Lawson in the head with a pistol after the two began arguing over the missing beer. Brasher maintained the shooting was an accident.
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Late-for-Work Story Over the Top

TOKYO, Japan - Some people will come up with any excuse when they are late for work. Common alibis include fake illnesses, deaths in the family and car trouble. However, one Japanese businessman landed himself in a big mess when he told police he was abducted by armed robbers when he was late for an important business meeting. The 29-year-old man overslept in his hotel and, instead of rushing to the hotel where the meeting was, he hopped a one-hour cab ride and made up a story of his abduction by two armed men. His cry for help sent 90 officers on a massive organized manhunt. Police plan to press charges against the man for wasting their time with the hoax.
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Bingo Brawl Leads to Hospital

WALES - A "lucky chair" at a Wales bingo club has gotten two members removed for life. Both were kicked out after one of them needed hospital treatment for a broken nose and two black eyes. Bingo regular Sandra Fry, 55, decided to break the face of 58-year-old Lynn Want when she saw that Want had beaten her to the "best seat" in the house in Bridgend's Castle Bingo Hall. Want later required an operation and hospital care to bring her face back to normal. Fry claims that she was just as shocked as Want was about the punch she threw, although it didn't seem like she was as broken up about the incident as Want.
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I'm So Glad to Be In… Where Am I?

During a world tour, teen British singing sensation Charlotte Church told a sold-out audience, "I love being in AMERICA. You have all the shopping and stuff." The only problem was that the concert was in Toronto, Canada. She was a little confused by the icy silence that greeted the comment, but continued to belt out 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire' anyway. It wasn't until she made it backstage that she was told of her mistake. To her credit she did go back on stage and say, "I'm sorry. I DO love Canada. Toronto's one of my favorite cities. I know you think I'm lying now - but I'm not." The Canadian audience didn't buy it.
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One Bat-Burger, to Go, Please

JACKSON, Tenn. - Ozzy Osbourne developed a stigma by biting the head off a bat. A horrific incident, even for Ozzy, no one found the spectacle to be humorous. Needless to say, when a Tennessee teenager thought it would be pretty funny if she served one of her fast food customers a dead bat burger the joke didn't go over very well. The 21-year-old customer went to a local hospital's emergency room after biting into the bat sandwich. He tested negative for rabies. What she thought was a practical joke could turn into up to six years behind bars and a possible $3,000 fine. Even though the victim sunk his teeth into the winged-creature like Ozzy, he won't be getting his own reality television series.
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Jack Ass Sues Viacom

LOS ANGELES, Calif. - A Montana man is seeking restitution for damage caused by the members of the gross-out TV show and movie "Jackass." Unlike other suits of this nature, this man is not asking for money after attempting and failing a stunt he saw in the movie. Instead, Mr. Jack Ass is suing media giant Viacom Inc. of being "liable for injury to my reputation that I have built and defamation of my character which I have worked so hard to create." Ass is asking for $10 million or more. Ass legally changed his name from Bob Craft back in 1997 as part of a personal crusade against drunk driving after his brother and a friend were killed in a car crash. The plaintiff doesn't feel that the defamation of his character has anything to do with his last name being Ass.
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Teenager Steals Forklift

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. - A teenage boy who received a transplanted kidney from his science teacher has been jailed for allegedly trying to steal a forklift. Michael Carter, 17, was arrested Sunday, police said. His mother, Deborah Evans, said she won't post his $50,000 bail. Evans said her son got into trouble when he skipped church Sunday. In April 2000, Jane Smith, then a teacher at R. Max Abbott Middle School, donated a kidney to Carter, who was born with renal disease. Carter was a student in Smith's science class.
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Reptile-Protected Porn

AKRON, Ohio - For safety, many people purchase guard dogs to protect their homes and belongings. One Ohio drug-dealer ditched the traditional dog idea and went with two boa constrictors and a four-foot alligator to guard his combination safe. Police carefully removed the animals to gain access to Arlander Ables' heavily guarded safe. What did Ables keep hidden in his reptile-protected metal box? About 50 pornographic photos. Apparently the nudie pics were more valuable to the owner than the 5 grams of crack and 7 grams of marijuana police found not guarded by slithering cold-bloods.
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Stupid Drunk Driving Solution

AUSTRALIA - The smart thing to do if you've had a little too much to drink is find yourself a designated driver to make sure you get home safely. The not-so-smart thing to do is to make that designated driver your five-year-old son. A 37-year-old drunken mother had her youngest son man the wheel while she operated the pedals. The result was a devastating crash that injured the mother and her two sons when the car hit a tree, hurtled down an embankment and threw all three passengers from the car. The mother's condition was the most severe with back and neck injuries and facial lacerations. Her youngest son suffered a broken hand and the other sustained only minor injuries.
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Rugby Fan More Than Pissed Off

LONDON - A tactless rugby fan managed to get himself banned from any rugby activity for five years by the Rugby Football Union. Vince Dunne was reprimanded for pissing off a 16-year-old linesman by pissing on him. An RFU disciplinary panel found Dunne guilty of "conduct which is prejudicial to the interests of the game." While Gatorade is traditionally dumped on the head-coach of the victors, sports enthusiasts are hoping that urine dousing does not become a common trend.
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Hit And Run Stupidity

VILNIUS - A Lithuanian teenager thought he had gotten away with his hit-and-run crime. But when he got home he discovered the pedestrian he had knocked down was still under the car. The unlicensed 18-year-old was shocked to see a man's feet sticking out from under his father's Audi. Police were able to identify the remains of the 64-year-old victim, who they said had been drunk and was probably lying in the middle of the street when the car struck him. The local police chief said, "But it goes to show why this kid has failed the driver's test four times."
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702 Needles Sounds About Right

WINNIPEG, Manitoba - A 34-year-old Canadian man has pinned his name into the Guinness Book of World Records. With speed-metal music on his headphones and a picture of his deceased mother beside him, Brent Moffatt pushed 702 needles into his body in a little less than eight hours. When trying to decide where to put the hundreds of needles, Moffatt decided that a good place with a lot of room would be his legs and feet. His goal was to reach 1,000 piercings but had to stop when the pain became unbearable. Wearing gloves and using sterilized forceps, Moffatt slid lubricated 18-gauge needles in neat lines into his skin. His reason for doing this? "To be different."
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Bogus Boy Scout Busted

Anthony Herman and Sally Ann Gombocz of Bethlehem, Pa., were so desperate for money they forced their 7-year-old son to dress as a Cub Scout and go door-to-door soliciting donations for a bogus camping trip. The Allentown Morning Call says the couple told District Justice James Stocklas their landscaping business was a failure and they stooped to a stupid act of desperation. The child ultimately knocked on 150 doors -- in January -- and collected $667. The parents, who admitted spending the money, face theft and corruption of a minor charges but still have custody of the child.
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College Student Afflicted With Scurvy

NEW YORK - If you ever needed a reminder to eat your fruits and vegetables, this story does the trick. A young college student has been living on a diet of cheese, crackers, soda, cookies, chocolate and water. The result of such poor eating habits? Scurvy. That's right, scurvy. Due to a lack of vitamin C, he contracted the disease characterized by bleeding gums, loose teeth, muscle degeneration and weakness. Such a result is to be expected when a normal vitamin C intake per day is 90 milligrams and only .1 milligram is actually taken. After only a few days of multivitamin and a vitamin C supplement, his condition cleared up.
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Drunk Steals Tow-Truck

STROUDSBURG, Penn. - A Pennsylvanian man had his car towed after he was arrested for drunk driving. The man wanted his car back, so he had a friend drive him to the towing service where he could retrieve it. When he got there the car was still hooked on to the back of the tow truck. Noticing that the keys were still in the truck, the man decided to steal the rig and drive it home. He was caught and has pleaded guilty to a number of charges. He will be sentenced at the end of this month.
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Fake Plastic Surgeon Busted

NEW YORK - Before you have any plastic surgery done, it might be a good idea to check out your surgeon's background. A man was convicted of disfiguring five women with plastic surgery he wasn't qualified to perform. Vincente Galarza, 50, performed liposuction, a tummy tuck, nose surgery and breast implantation on seven women between the ages of 30 and 58 without a medical license. He was arrested back in April 2001 after police visited the El Centro de Estetica clinic in Queens and found an unconscious woman bleeding from the head on an operating table. Galarza was found hiding in a nearby closet. He faces up to seven years in prison where he's sure to have some work done on him in return.
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Surgeon 'Signs' His Work

LEXINGTON, Ky. -- Some sports fans take their team spirit a bit too far. A surgeon who graduated from the University of Kentucky is being sued by Stephanie Means and her husband after he apparently used a cauterizing instrument to intentionally brand the letters "UK" on her uterus. Incriminating himself further, the doctor videotaped the operation and gave a copy to Means and her husband. The lawsuit says the tape clearly shows the doctor carving the letters into the woman's uterus.
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Man Killed While Beating His Puppy

WINCHESTER, Va. - In a fatal twist of irony, a man who was attempting to beat his dog to death ended up killing himself in the process. As 43-year-old Raymond Poore Jr. pummeled his 30-pound shar-pei with a combination rifle and shotgun, the firearm went off and fatally wounded the man. His wife came home and found her husband unconscious, with a number of dog bites and scratches. Police Captain David Sobonya said that the stock of the weapon was broken and appeared to have blood and dog hair on it. There are no details on the further condition of the shar-pei.
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Stupid Contest Results in Ass-Burns

ENGLAND - Some severely burned backsides have landed a British radio station in a load of trouble. BRMB, based in Birmingham, central England, was fined by the courts for holding a competition that left three contestants with severe ice burns and permanent scars. The "Coolest Seats In Town" contest challenged participants to sit on blocks of dry ice to win tickets for a music festival. The frozen blocks sat at a butt-chapping minus 78 degrees Celsius (-108.4 Fahrenheit). As a result, two women and a man spent around 10 weeks in the hospital recovering from extensive skin grafts that they were forced to undergo.
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15-Year-Old Doses Parents

WISCONSIN - A common occurrence among teenagers is to sneak out of the house late at night to go somewhere or do something that their parents wouldn't want them to do. However, a girl in Wisconsin used a method of tricking her parents that could have killed them. After stealing her stepfather's antidepressant drug trazadone, the 15-year-old drugged her parents by crushing it and putting it in their coffee, drinks and even on their pizza. A medical expert claimed that the additional dosage to the amount already taken by the stepfather could have led to an overdose and proved fatal. Possible side effects put the mother in danger as well. The young woman is being charged with a felony count of reckless endangerment and faces a $10,000 fine and a stay in the local juvenile facility until she's 21.
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Woman Loses Arm to Lion

MADRID, Spain - When an establishment puts up a sign warning of possible dangers, there's a reason for it. A 54-year-old woman learned this the hard way when she visited a Spanish zoo while on a tourist venture. Avoiding signs that warned the public not to reach into the animal pens, the woman climbed up a three-meter high barrier, stuck her fingers inside a lion cage and, consequently, had her arm ripped off. Local media said the England native, who had been at the park with a group of other British visitors, was airlifted to a hospital nearby.
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Courtney Love Disrupts Flight

Wild child Courtney Love was arrested in London Tuesday after allegedly causing a ruckus on a trans-Atlantic flight. The 38-year-old singer-actress was arrested for disruptive behavior and endangering an aircraft, British police confirm. They say they arrested Kurt Cobain's widow at Heathrow Airport after Virgin Atlantic cabin crew members complained Love had verbally abused them and become disruptive during a flight from Los Angeles to London. The captain radioed authorities and police were waiting for the singer-actress when the plane landed. Says a spokesman for Virgin: "We will not tolerate disruptive behavior by passengers on board any of our aircraft and always report it to the authorities. The matter is now in the hands of the police." None of the 200 people on board the plane was injured during the incident.
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Ranting About The Two Towers

Last winter some nimrod posted an on-line petition suggesting that the name "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" was intentionally offensive to the memory of 9/11...

There were about 3600 signatures, of which about 2000 are sarcastic... below is the original petition, and just a small sampling of some of the replies:

To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema
Those of us who have seen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring know what an amazing director Peter Jackson is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel, I was overjoyed.

However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post-September 11 world, it is unforgiveable that this should be allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema see the number of signatures on this petition, the title will be changed to something a little more sensitive.

Sincerely, The Undersigned

818. C. Hart
I think it would be best, in light of recent events, if the film was simply not shown at all. And by "recent events" I mean "that God-awful first Lord of the Rings film."

1076. Sigmund Wonder
Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless moneymongers care for nothing but themselves. Could you please start a petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as their phone number too? That is also something that bothers me.

1102. Paul
they have no sensitivity, i wont even let my twin kids stand next to each other out of respect for 9/11

1183. Lionel Hutz
I myself am a big Elvis fan, and if they name the third film after the book title "Return of the King" I will start my own petition....

1172. Joseph Minkock
How about changing it to: "Frodo's Hilarious Journey"?

1225. Hamm Hurabi
I demand that the number two no longer be used!

1346. burt convy's nipples
Yes, this exploitative Tolkien fellow should develop TV programs for Fox. I say change the next movie to *honor* the event: something like "Frodo, the Littlest Fireman."

1443. olly
I'll sign anything.

1434. William Shatner
I think Jackson's choice of title is shocking and offensive. Two new buildings were recently constructed in my home town, but we managed to have them demolished and the offenders removed from society.

1422. Ajax Cortina
While you're at it, let's ban the number 11. Every time I see it, I cry.

1405. Pass
I believe Twins should be banned from entering Tower Records stores.

1387. Ashton Kushner
I think it should be renamed "Dude, where's my Precious?"


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