You've been
warned -- these are, in fact, tasteless -- get it? Naturally, the bulk of our Gay and Lesbian Jokes are quite tasteless!
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The
next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying
in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck
and one of them's honking the horn." As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But
another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a Veterinarian." The Top Sexual Jokes of all time A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I'd like six shots, please." "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." ============================= One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ============================= A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies: "She choked." ============================= A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After hitting the gator hard on the top of its head with a beer bottle. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". ============================= A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'" ============================= One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!" Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. Holding a machete to her throat, he said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!" Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later than that and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" said the Fairy Godmother. "I can't remember, exactly.....Peter Peter, something or other." Little Cindie was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said Cindie, "and they fuck you every time!" The comeback of the century... Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is
it midnight already?" Did you hear
that a man was found floating in the river with a banana stuck up his
butt and a mouthfull of cornflakes ? Did you hear
that the F.B.I. was investigating dahmer???? When the police raided Dahmer's house they found him sitting by the frig singing 'My boloney has a first name......' What did
Jeffrey tell his mother when she told him that she didn't like his friends? What did
Dahmer do when he finished his vegetables? What are
Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite foods? What did
they find in Jeffery Dahmer's medicine cabinet? The judge
was coming down real hard on dahmer, and dahmer said WHY
DID JEFFREY DAHMER KEEP TESTICLES IN THE FRIDGE? The Difference Between a Pussy and a Cunt One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?" "No!" replied
his father. "That might wakeup the cunt." A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement. A beer tastes horrible
served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Having an ice cold
beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Beers have commercials
making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. If you get a hair
in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. 24 beers come in a
box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Too much head makes
you mad at the person giving you a beer. If a beer is brewed
with yeast, it is still edible. If you come home smelling
like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy,
she will definitely get mad. 6 beers in a night
and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the
driving you need. Buy too much beer
and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. It is socially acceptable
to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you
have a pussy in the stands at a football game. If a cop smells beer
on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy
on your breath, you are going to get a high five. With beer, bigger
is better. Wearing a condom does
not make a beer any less enjoyable. Pussy can make you
see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. If you think all day
about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day
about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Peeling labels off
of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. If you try to snag
a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you
get hit with sexual harassment. If you suddenly drop
a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down
like the dog you are. If you change to another
beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. The best pussy you
have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. The worst pussy you
have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Bad beer: Schlitz,
Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline
Albright, Dana Doran Good beer: Guinness,
Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. The government taxes
beer. It's a close call,
but the numbers never lie. There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So...............
They buried her. read on... Version
II
Three guys and a girl
are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed
of what she's doing, she kills herself. A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car. She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?" He says: "Put it between your legs." She says: "What about the smell?" He says:
"Hold its nose." The Tiles are Cheaper in the Kitchen A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move. She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around me and lift me up that way?" she asks. "Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub your tits a little." "Why?" asks the confused housewife. "So I can slide
you into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there." Mary had a little
lamb, <><><><><> Mary had a little
sheep. <><><><><> Mary had a little
lamb, <><><><><> Mary had a little
lamb, <><><><><> Mary had a little
lamb, <><><><><> Jack and Jill went
up the hill <><><><><> Jack and Jill went
up the hill, <><><><><> Jack and
Jill went up the hill Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...$5000" He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!" He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman. Harry got
back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry, "It's just
not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman
and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow,
and you ain't worth shit!" Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. A: (d) a
blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife,
but you can't beat a blowjob. As JFK lay dying in a Dallas Hospital, he called feebly for his brother Teddy, who was pacing outside. Rushing in, Teddy cradled his dying brother in his arms as he tried to make out the President's last garbled words. "I can't hear you, Jack," he cried, tears running down his face. In one last effort,
the valiant statesman pulled his brother's head close and uttered the
precious words: "Mary Jo puts out." The Dentist Finds a Pubic Hair A man is sitting in his dentist's chair getting his teeth cleaned. Suddenly the dentist starts chuckling. He takes a pair of tweezers and plucks a pubic hair from between the man's front teeth and displays it to him. Embarrassed, the man says to the dentist, "What is so funny? Haven't you ever seen a pubic hair before?" The dentist replies, " I'm not laughing at the pubic hair. I'm laughing at the
shit stain on your tie!" Stevie Wonder is walking down the aisle of the supermarket, and he's swinging his cane about, knocking boxes off the shelves on the right, knocking boxes off the shelves on the left, knocking more boxes off the shelves on the right... The store manager comes running up to see what's going on, carefully steps over all the boxes strewn everywhere, sees it's Stevie Wonder, and says "Can I help you?". "No," says Stevie "I'm just looking". ================================ Did you hear about the nice lady who gave Stevie Wonder a ticket to see Marcel Marceau? Man says to Stevie
Wonder "What's it like being blind?". Q: What did Stevie
Wonder's mom do when he was a naughty boy? There was a little
girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two
teenagers having sex on a bench. Two men camping in
the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting fed
up with being in each other’s company. One morning, the first friend said, Farmer Thompson is Whipping His Sheep Farmer Thompson
is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking
around the corner. Man:
If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. He's Getting a Little Queer to Sleep With Visiting
a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain
a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." The Filthiest Balls He's Ever Seen During a
routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. A Woman is Lying in the Road... A woman is
lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked
her down comes to her aid. "Are you all right?" he asks. The Bathroom Door off a Tuna Boat A blind man
interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The
manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects
to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it
by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in
front of him. Q: Why did
Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? Q: What's
the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods? Q: Why is
Nancy Reagan miffed at Princess Diana? Did you hear
Lady Diana was on the radio? Little Johnny Wants Pussy for Christmas Little Johnny
had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's
lap when he finally gets his turn and climbs up. A Man's Prayers for Food are Answered A man was
walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church,
went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!" There once
was a brother, Jimbo, and a sister, Tanya, fraternal twins, who were approaching
their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither
of them had a date for it. So one day, Tanya approaches Jimbo and says,
"Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" A young
Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly,
his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture. A Royal Flush Beats a Pair of Queens Freddie
Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates.
St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have
to put forward their case for entry. What's this? "Give it here!" "NO, IT'S MINE!" "I said let me have it!" "NO! IT'S MY TURN!" "Common! Give it to me!" "NO WAY!" Siamese twins
whacking off. A huge biker enters a room where a 3 year-old baby is playing. When the baby sees the guy he becomes overjoyed, "Are you my new baby sitter?" "No,"
says the biker. "I'm your new mother fucker." Hellen Keller
went to town Legless, Armless Man at the Beach A man without arms or legs is sunbathing by the sea on a small rocky peninsula. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first woman says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head no, and she leans down and gives him a big hug. "Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman. He shakes his head no, and she kisses him. Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No," says the man, his eyes lighting up. "Well,
you are now. The tide's coming in!" When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?" "Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases." The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?" Van paused
and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair
on my goat's back stand up." Larry, a not too bright local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey, lady," yells Larry, "throw me the cat." "No," she cries, "It's too far." "I play football, I can catch him." The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Carried away,
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees
back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.... Touchdown! His Wife Wants to go Duck Hunting One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting in the morning. She says, "I want to go too." He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up." She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early." He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up the ass or you are going to give me a blow job." She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up." 3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up. He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about 30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring. He is pissed. He wakes her up. He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?" She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a blow job." He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it. Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!" He said,
"Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either." One night this little blind boy's mother said to him, "Johnny, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight, when the sun rises tomorrow you will be able to see!" Needless to say Johnny prays up a storm! Morning came and Johnny's still blind! Johnny starts crying and his mom rushes in. Mom says, "Johnny, what's wrong?" Johnny wails, "Mommy, I prayed so hard and yet I'm still blind!" Mom's replies,
"I know honey. April Fools!" A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl
replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis." Daughter Wants to Borrow the Car One weekend a daughter came up to her father and ask him if she could go to a party. The father replied and said, "No." "Come on dad, please?" "No," said the dad. "PLEASE DAD?" The dad said "All right, but on one condition." "What?" replied the daughter. "You got to suck my dick." The daughter said, "All right I will." So she's down blowing her dad and said, "Damn dad your dick tastes like shit." The dad said,
"Yeah, your brother had to barrow the van." A man was eating out a prostitute when, after inserting his tongue, he removes a piece of a carrot. He thinks nothing of it and proceeds to eat her. Next time he sticks his tongue in he removes a piece of potato. He became concerned, but continued anyway. A few seconds later he removes a piece of meat from her pussy. Quite concerned, he asked if she was sick. She replied,
"No, but the previous guy was." The Aging Prostitute and the Midget An aging prostitute had had so many men that no longer could she be satisfied. Before retiring she staged a contest and offered a thousand dollar prize to any man who could bring her to orgasm. All the men in town lined up to try. From the Mayor to the courthouse janitor, no one could make her cum. She was sadly disappointed and ready to give up when a midget showed up to try. Much to her surprise the little fellow gave her the thrill of her life, and walked away with the thousand dollars. All of the other men were amazed and demanded to know his secret. The Midget
finally fessed up, "I stuck my head in her pussy, wiggled my ears
and vomited." A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing all of his belongings. "What's going on?" he asks. "I can't live with you anymore!" she screams. "Here's your things; now get out!" "Wait a minute, don't you think you should tell me why you can't live with me anymore? "It's all the rumors going around!" "What rumors?" "I was told that you were a Pedophile!" "Pedofile?!?
That's an mighty big word for a 7 year old, don't you think?" A guy calls his boss at work and says, Boss, I can't come in today. I'm sick." His boss says, "How sick are you?" He says,
"I'm fucking my sister. How sick is that?" Some Pussys
are tight, and fit like a glove. The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest. What do Michael
Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common? Q: What's
the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Q; What's
the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Q: What is
the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? Q: What do
Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common? Q: How do
you know Michael Jackson is having a party? Q: What do
Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? A: "You know, I feel like a new boy!" The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest. Q: Why did
Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? Q: How do
you neuter Michael Jackson? A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and a female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." At this,
the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,
"Is Michael Jackson God?" Q: What do
Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? Q: What do
you call 16 testicles and three pubic hairs? |
