Tasteless Jokes

You've been warned -- these are, in fact, tasteless -- get it?
Don't whine if your delicate sensibilities are offended -- OK?

Naturally, the bulk of our Gay and Lesbian Jokes are quite tasteless!

Tasteless One-Liners 11/27/2003
Sheep Breeding
Just a little Slip-up
Top Sexual Jokes
Little Red Riding Hood
First Come, First Served
Cinderella
Lil' Cindie's Observation
The Comeback of the Century
Jeffrey Dahmer Jokes 
The Difference Between a Pussy and a Cunt
Pussy Versus Beer 
If I Could See You Naked... 
The Filthiest Balls He's Ever Seen 
The Bathroom Door off a Tuna Boat  
Little Johnny Wants Pussy for Christmas  
Jimbo and Tanya  
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair of Queens
The Biker and the 3-Year-Old
Legless, Armless Man at the Beach
Football Star Catches Her Cat
Blind Boy Praying for Sight
Daughter Wants to Borrow the Car
The Aging Prostitute and the Midget
Calling in Sick
Michael Jackson Jokes 12/27/03
Doing What Comes Naturally
They find a Wounded Skunk

The Tiles are Cheaper in the Kitchen
Tasteless Nursery Rhymes
Five Thousand Dollar Cow
Which of the following doesn't belong?
JFK's Last Words
The Dentist Finds a Pubic Hair
Stevie Wonder Jokes 
They're Making Cakes 
A Little Camping Diversion 
Farmer Thompson is Whipping His Sheep  
He's Getting a Little Queer to Sleep With  
A Woman is Lying in the Road...  
Princess Di Jokes  10/9/03
A Man's Prayers for Food are Answered 
An Amish Boy in Trouble
What's This?
Hellen Keller Went to Town
Van is Buying Ribbed Condoms
His Wife Wants to go Duck Hunting
Stop Passing me Your Gum
A Man Eating Out a Prostitute
Rumors He's a Pedophile
Pussys
Necrophilia - When the dead raise the living


Tasteless One-Liners

bullet What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
bullet Q: Why do blacks make the best gynecologists? 
A: Because they are used to big lips, kinky hair, and smelly breath!
bullet Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.
bullet How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
You pick him up and suck his dick.
bullet How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It ain't hard...
bullet Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's penis!
bullet Q: How are airplanes and women alike?
A: They both have cockpits!
bullet Q. Why do women douche?
A. Because they can't get their pussies to go
"Haaaaaaaaaaawk!...THOO!"
bullet Q: How do you turn a washing machine into a snowplow?
A: Give her a shovel!
bullet Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love."
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
bullet Q: Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A: Her lipstick.
bullet Q: Why is it so difficult for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Have you ever tried to open a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
bullet Q: What do you call a prostitute that talks a lot?
A: A conversation piece!
bullet Q. What did the German bisexual woman do?
A. Went down on her Hans and niece.
bullet Q: Why did the guy call his dog Herpes?
A: Because he wouldn't heel.
bullet Q. How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A. "Pi'tew...Pi'tew..."
bullet Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.
bullet What did the leper say to the hooker after she gave him a blow job?
Keep the tip.
bullet Q: How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to suck my dick.
bullet Q: How many feminists does it take to take out the garbage?
A: Two: One to take out the garbage and one to suck my dick.
bullet Q: How many feminists does it take to buy shoes?
A: Two. One to buy the shoes... and one to suck my dick!
bullet Q: Why did the feminist cross the road?
A: To suck my dick.
bullet Q: How many feminists does it take to make a pot of coffee?
A: Two: One to make the coffee... and the other to suck my dick!
bullet Q: How many feminists does it take to get a joke?
A: Two: One to read it and the other to listen while she sucks my dick.
bullet Q: How many feminists does it take to change the oil in the car?
A: Two: One to change the oil and one to suck my dick
bullet How many feminists does it take to wish on a shooting star?
Two. One to close her eyes, cross her fingers and make a wish, and the other to suck my dick.
bullet How many feminists does it take to fetch a glass of water?
Two. One to fetch and the other to suck my dick.
bullet How many feminists does it take to collect firewood?
Three. One to collect the wood, one to feed the fire and one to suck my dick.
bullet How many feminists does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?
None, they are all too busy sucking my dick.
bullet How many feminists does it take to perform surgery?
One, feminists are not smart enough to be doctors, but I still need one to suck my dick.
bullet Q. What are the two most important holes on a feminist?
A. Her nostrils. She needs to breath while giving me a blowjob!
bullet A feminist should open her mouth on only two occasions; the second being when she thanks me for allowing her to suck my dick.
bullet How many feminists does it take to send me hate mail defending their queer sons?
Two. One to write it and one to suck my dick.
bullet Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese!
bullet Q: What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
bullet Q: What do Woody Allen and a roll of film have in common?
A: They both come in a little yellow box.
bullet Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
bullet Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
bullet Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails...
bullet Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
bullet Q: What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A: A chin rest.
bullet Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
bullet Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!
bullet Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
bullet Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
bullet Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it too." You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle!
bullet Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
bullet Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
bullet Q: Do you know why it's called sex?
A: Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!
bullet Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
bullet Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
bullet Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
bullet Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
bullet Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A: About three inches.
bullet Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
bullet Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
bullet Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
bullet Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
bullet Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
bullet Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.
bullet Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie. 
bullet Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking ?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant. 
bullet Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild ?
A. Money 
bullet Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ?
A. After five years your job will still suck. 
bullet Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig ?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own. 
bullet Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. 
bullet Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common ?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. 
bullet Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony ?
A. It's not hard. 
bullet Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony ?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. 
bullet Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony ?
A. The one who can eat the last donut! 
bullet Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches. 
bullet Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering ?
A: More head room. 
bullet Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common ?
A: They are both used as substitute meat. 
bullet Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year! 
bullet Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't ?
A: A bellybutton! 
bullet Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts ?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.(EWWWWWWWW)
bullet Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
bullet Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
bullet Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
bullet Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
bullet Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
bullet Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo."
bullet Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
bullet Q: Why do driver education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
bullet Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
bullet Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
bullet Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat"
bullet Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time. . ." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
bullet Q. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A. Crust.
bullet Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
bullet Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
bullet Q. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
bullet Q. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A. By sticking your finger in his honey.
bullet Q. What is the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
bullet Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
bullet Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
bullet Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
bullet Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
bullet Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
bullet Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S
bullet Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
bullet Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
bullet Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
bullet Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
bullet Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
bullet Q: What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
A: ni___rs.
bullet Q: What's the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?
A: The white one got away!
bullet Q: What has eleven legs and summers on Cape Cod?
A: Ted Kennedy's family.
bullet Q: What is the difference between semen and mayonnaise?
A: Mayo doesn't hit the back of your throat at 40 miles an hour.
bullet Q. If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster's legs...what would you have?
A. Two feet of my cock in your ass.
bullet Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles? 
A: Three bullets.
bullet Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13!
bullet Q: How can you tell if an Indian is gay?
A: He collects scalps with handles!
bullet Q: What do you call lesbian twin sisters?
A: Lick-a-likes!
bullet Q: Do you know what the Unabomber and a 15-year old girl from Kentucky have in common?
A: They've both been fingered by their brother!
bullet Did you hear what caused that big earthquake in Washington State last month?
They were hosting a Parkinson's convention!
bullet Q: How do you know when a pig goes into heat?
A: When she starts buying the drinks.
bullet This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
bullet Guy to Lady: "How do you like your eggs?"
Lady: "Unfertilized."
Guy: "That's fine, I can always shoot my load up your ass."
bullet Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Gary Condit?
A: Nobody cares when Tiger buries a 5 footer.
bullet Q: How did Helen Keller burn her face?
A: She tried to answer the iron.
bullet Q: What did Helen Keller's parents do when she was really bad?
A: Left the plunger in the toilet.
bullet Q: What's the difference between a cowlick and a vaginal air burst?
A: One is a fussy part and the other is a pussy fart.
bullet Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
bullet Q: What do you get when you breed a poodle and an elephant?
Q: A dead poodle, split in half.
bullet What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
bullet Q: Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
A: To knock the dicks off the dumb ones!
bullet No matter what you eat it comes out looking like shit.
bullet If you have athlete's foot do you wash your feet first and get athletes foot on your ass or wash your ass first and get shit on your feet?
bullet If you stuck your dick in a lady's drink she'd kill you, but two hours later she would stick that same dick in her mouth.
bullet What's got three legs and lives on a farm?
Paul McCartney and his new wife.
bullet Q. Why are turds tapered on the ends?
A. To keep your asshole from slamming shut.
bullet Q: What do you call two skunks 69-ing?
A: Odor eaters.
bullet Q: What's blue and yellow and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea.
bullet If mosquitoes carry West Nile Virus and deer ticks carry Lyme Disease, what insect carries AIDS?
Asshoppers.
bullet Q: How does a hillbilly wife know when her daughter is on her period?
A: When her son's dick tastes like blood.
bullet Q: How can a man tell when a woman is too fat to fuck?
A: When she is undressing, she drops her panties down to her knees and the camel-toe in her pussy is still holding on to the crotch of her panties.
bullet Just heard on the radio that Rosie O'Donnell drowned this afternoon. They found her face down in Ricky Lake.
bullet Q: What's the definition of "relative humidity"?
A: That's the sweat running down the crack of your ass as you're screwing your sister-in-law.
bullet Q: What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
A: Only takes one nail to hang the painting.
bullet Q: Do you know what the letters on the cross INRI stand for?
A: I'm Nailed Right In!
bullet Q: Do you know why Jesus doesn't eat Skittles?
A: They fall through the holes in his hands!
bullet Jesus walks up to the front desk at the Hotel Judas, lays three stakes down on the counter and asks the hotel clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"
bullet Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
bullet Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
bullet Q: What do you call two skunks 69-ing?
A: Odor eaters.
bullet Q: What's blue and yellow and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea.
bullet Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
bullet Q: What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
bullet Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.
bullet What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common?
There last big hit was the wall.
   
   

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Sheep Breeding

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the

sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
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Just a little Slip-up

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."

But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a Veterinarian."
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The Top Sexual Jokes of all time

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I'd like six shots, please."

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blow job."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

=============================

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

=============================

A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.

The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies: "She choked."

=============================

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After hitting

the gator hard on the top of its head with a beer bottle. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

=============================

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

=============================

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. Holding a machete to her throat, he said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

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First Come, First Served

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

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Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later than that and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. 

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." 

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" said the Fairy Godmother.

"I can't remember, exactly.....Peter Peter, something or other."

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Lil Cindie

Little Cindie was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said Cindie, "and they fuck you every time!"

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The comeback of the century...

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... 

is it midnight already?"
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Jeffrey Dahmer Jokes

Did you hear that a man was found floating in the river with a banana stuck up his butt and a mouthfull of cornflakes ?
They think it was a 'cereal killer'

Did you hear that the F.B.I. was investigating dahmer????
They think he might have been selling arms to IRAQ.

When the police raided Dahmer's house they found him sitting by the frig singing 'My boloney has a first name......'

What did Jeffrey tell his mother when she told him that she didn't like his friends?
'That's Ok, Mom, Just eat the noodles!'

What did Dahmer do when he finished his vegetables?
He threw away the wheelchairs!!!

What are Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite foods?
A: Ground Chuck and Quiche Lorraine

What did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's medicine cabinet?
Head and Shoulders

The judge was coming down real hard on dahmer, and dahmer said
'come on judge have a heart'

WHY DID JEFFREY DAHMER KEEP TESTICLES IN THE FRIDGE?
A. SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT. SOMETIMES YOU DON'T

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The Difference Between a Pussy and a Cunt

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."  He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wakeup the cunt."
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Pussy Versus Beer

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
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Doing What Comes Naturally

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

 

 

So...............

 

 

They buried her.

read on...

Version II

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After yet another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.


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They find a Wounded Skunk

A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.

She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"

He says: "Put it between your legs."

She says: "What about the smell?"

He says: "Hold its nose."
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The Tiles are Cheaper in the Kitchen

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.

She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge.

"Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around me and lift me up that way?" she asks.

"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub your tits a little."

"Why?" asks the confused housewife.

"So I can slide you into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."
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Tasteless Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb,
she tied him to the heater.
Every time he'd lift his leg,
he'd burn his little peter!

<><><><><>

Mary had a little sheep.
it went to bed with her to sleep.
the sheep turned out to be a ram,
and Mary had a little lamb!

<><><><><>

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
now Mary takes the lamb to school
between two hunks of bread.

<><><><><>

Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's butt
and turned its wool to nylon!

<><><><><>

Mary had a little lamb,
the doctor was surprised
when old McDonald had a farm,
the poor guy nearly died!

<><><><><>

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
so now they have a daughter!

<><><><><>

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
to smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and Jill said,
"where's the beef?"

<><><><><>

Jack and Jill went up the hill
for just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue
and Jack has left the city.

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Five Thousand Dollar Cow

Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...$5000"

He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"

He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.

Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
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Which of the following doesn't belong?

(a) meat

(b) eggs

(c) wife

(d) blowjob.

A: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
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JFK's Last Words

As JFK lay dying in a Dallas Hospital, he called feebly for his brother Teddy, who was pacing outside. Rushing in, Teddy cradled his dying brother in his arms as he tried to make out the President's last garbled words.

"I can't hear you, Jack," he cried, tears running down his face.

In one last effort, the valiant statesman pulled his brother's head close and uttered the precious words: "Mary Jo puts out."
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The Dentist Finds a Pubic Hair

A man is sitting in his dentist's chair getting his teeth cleaned. Suddenly the dentist starts chuckling. He takes a pair of tweezers and plucks a pubic hair from between the man's front teeth and displays it to him.

Embarrassed, the man says to the dentist, "What is so funny? Haven't you ever seen a pubic hair before?"

The dentist replies, " I'm not laughing at the pubic hair.

I'm laughing at the shit stain on your tie!"
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Stevie Wonder Jokes

Stevie Wonder is walking down the aisle of the supermarket, and he's swinging his cane about, knocking boxes off the shelves on the right, knocking boxes off the shelves on the left, knocking more boxes off the shelves on the right...

The store manager comes running up to see what's going on, carefully steps over all the boxes strewn everywhere, sees it's Stevie Wonder, and says "Can I help you?".

"No," says Stevie "I'm just looking".

================================

Did you hear about the nice lady who gave Stevie Wonder a ticket to see Marcel Marceau?

Man says to Stevie Wonder "What's it like being blind?".
Says Stevie: "Well, it's better than being Black!".

Q: What did Stevie Wonder's mom do when he was a naughty boy?
A: Rearrange the furniture!



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They're Making Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mommy what are they doing?"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother, "What are they doing?" Her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?"

Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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A Little Camping Diversion

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting fed up with being in each otherís company. One morning, the first friend said,

"You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and walks south. The first man walks north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a valley and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. There were flowers filled with butterflies and falcons floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says,

"I went south and ran across a set of railway tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"

"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."
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Farmer Thompson is Whipping His Sheep

Farmer Thompson is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says, "My, farmer Phil, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"

The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to hump her."
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If I Could See You Naked...

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: That works for me, as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it up your ass.

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He's Getting a Little Queer to Sleep With

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
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The Filthiest Balls He's Ever Seen

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants.

After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."

She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ass!"

He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."
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A Woman is Lying in the Road...

A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid. "Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "So my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.

"Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralyzed from the waist down as well."
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The Bathroom Door off a Tuna Boat

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom door off a tuna boat!"
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Princess Di Jokes

Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
A: Because he's the only Queen who gives a fuck!

Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
A: The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!

Q: What was the last thing Dodi said to Di?
A: "You look smashing!"

Mercedes has recalled Dodi's car for paint problems
The inside was splattered with Di!

Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
A: Tiger Woods has a more reliable driver.

Q: What was Princess Di's last words?
A: "Is that all this car's got?"

Q: What was the last thing Princess Diana kissed?
A: The radiator.

Q: What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
A: 5 days.

Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
A: He's got a better driver.

Q: Why is Nancy Reagan miffed at Princess Diana?
A: Because Diana gets to wear the next Versace collection before she does.

Did you hear Lady Diana was on the radio?
Yeah, the radio, the windshield, the dashboard...


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Little Johnny Wants Pussy for Christmas

Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn and climbs up.

Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."

Johnny shakes his head, "No."

Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."

Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."

The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"

Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!"

Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of that!"

Little Johnny, touching Santa on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do because I can smell it on your finger!"
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A Man's Prayers for Food are Answered

A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the ceiling.
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Jimbo and Tanya

There once was a brother, Jimbo, and a sister, Tanya, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, Tanya approaches Jimbo and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis'."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"

Jimbo nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."

Jimbo can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells Tanya that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so Jimbo tells Tanya that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. Jimbo is glad that Tanya talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, Tanya comes up to him again.

"Hey, Jimbo, let's dance."  He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh ... all right."

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with Jimbo at the wheel, Tanya looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."  He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."  He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us. How long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey, why don't you kiss me?" she says.

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.  She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said Jimbo, but he had a good idea of what Tanya had in mind.  "You know what," Tanya replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my ... " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, Tanya murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said Jimbo. "Mom told me!"


An Amish Boy in Trouble

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture.

In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"

 Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."
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A Royal Flush Beats a Pair of Queens

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a happier place to be."

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know, Pete, if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a happier place."

"Not bad," says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, shoots a full bottle of water into her vagina and lets it gush all over the floor.

"Excellent! You're in!" says St Peter.

"Hold on a minute!" says Freddie. "She didn't even say anything!"

"Fred, you know the rules," says St Peter. "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens."

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  What's This?

What's this?

"Give it here!"

"NO, IT'S MINE!"

"I said let me have it!"

"NO! IT'S MY TURN!"

"Common! Give it to me!"

"NO WAY!"

Siamese twins whacking off.
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The Biker and the 3-Year-Old

A huge biker enters a room where a 3 year-old baby is playing.

When the baby sees the guy he becomes overjoyed, "Are you my new baby sitter?"

"No," says the biker. "I'm your new mother fucker."
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Hellen Keller Went to Town

Hellen Keller went to town
riding on a pony
stuck a feather in her cap
and called it BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHGHGHAG
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Legless, Armless Man at the Beach

A man without arms or legs is sunbathing by the sea on a small rocky peninsula. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.

The first woman says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head no, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

"Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman.

He shakes his head no, and she kisses him.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in!"
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Van is Buying Ribbed Condoms

When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Van paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."
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Football Star Catches Her Cat

Larry, a not too bright local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Carried away, Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.... Touchdown!
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His Wife Wants to go Duck Hunting

One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early." He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up. He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about 30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."
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Blind Boy Praying for Sight

One night this little blind boy's mother said to him, "Johnny, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight, when the sun rises tomorrow you will be able to see!"

Needless to say Johnny prays up a storm!

Morning came and Johnny's still blind! Johnny starts crying and his mom rushes in. Mom says, "Johnny, what's wrong?"

Johnny wails, "Mommy, I prayed so hard and yet I'm still blind!"

Mom's replies, "I know honey. April Fools!"
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Stop Passing me Your Gum

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."
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Daughter Wants to Borrow the Car

One weekend a daughter came up to her father and ask him if she could go to a party. The father replied and said, "No."

"Come on dad, please?"

"No," said the dad.

"PLEASE DAD?"

The dad said "All right, but on one condition."

"What?" replied the daughter.

"You got to suck my dick."

The daughter said, "All right I will."

So she's down blowing her dad and said, "Damn dad your dick tastes like shit."

The dad said, "Yeah, your brother had to barrow the van."
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A Man Eating Out a Prostitute

A man was eating out a prostitute when, after inserting his tongue, he removes a piece of a carrot. He thinks nothing of it and proceeds to eat her.

Next time he sticks his tongue in he removes a piece of potato. He became concerned, but continued anyway.

A few seconds later he removes a piece of meat from her pussy. Quite concerned, he asked if she was sick.

She replied, "No, but the previous guy was."
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The Aging Prostitute and the Midget

An aging prostitute had had so many men that no longer could she be satisfied. Before retiring she staged a contest and offered a thousand dollar prize to any man who could bring her to orgasm.

All the men in town lined up to try. From the Mayor to the courthouse janitor, no one could make her cum.

She was sadly disappointed and ready to give up when a midget showed up to try. Much to her surprise the little fellow gave her the thrill of her life, and walked away with the thousand dollars.

All of the other men were amazed and demanded to know his secret.

The Midget finally fessed up, "I stuck my head in her pussy, wiggled my ears and vomited."
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Rumors He's a Pedophile

A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing all of his belongings. "What's going on?" he asks.

"I can't live with you anymore!" she screams. "Here's your things; now get out!"

"Wait a minute, don't you think you should tell me why you can't live with me anymore?

"It's all the rumors going around!"

"What rumors?"

"I was told that you were a Pedophile!"

"Pedofile?!? That's an mighty big word for a 7 year old, don't you think?"
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Calling in Sick

A guy calls his boss at work and says, Boss, I can't come in today. I'm sick."

His boss says, "How sick are you?"

He says, "I'm fucking my sister. How sick is that?"
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Pussys

Some Pussys are tight, and fit like a glove.
Some pussys are loose, and no good for love.
But the way for good lovin' and keeping you fitter,
Is rolling her over and banging her shitter.
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Michael Jackson Jokes

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have little boys pants half off!

Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks little boys in the ass!

Q; What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: At least acne waits until your 12 to come on your face.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A: They both ride three year olds.

Q: How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A: There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 45 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: "You know, I feel like a new boy!"

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song!

A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and a female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is Michael Jackson God?"

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little kids' rooms with empty sacks.

Q: What do you call 16 testicles and three pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson sleepover.


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