Bill Gates to his broker: "You bought WHAT?!? ... I said 'SNAPPLE'!"
Version x.x ,Wife Version x.x Jokes moved to:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use
a thawed chicken."
A youth was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.' The youth took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.' Again the youth took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you, I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
youth said, 'Look, I'm a recording engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog is cool.'
Due to the enormous workload involved in physics classes combined with stress and lack of sleep, physics students often forget (either by accident, defense mechanism, or intentionally) what their major really is. Thus, as a physics major, I took it upon myself to create a small list of indicators to help us all remember what we really are.
YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...
these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you
might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have:
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice neutrons
111 assistant vice neutrons
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years,at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large Internet Service Providers, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration
and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to
accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can
be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to-date are
This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00. However, he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?" Our fella asks "How many countries have you got?" to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one...You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours!"
Our watch-less traveler can hardly whip out his cheque book fast enough, and hands over a cheque for $900.
The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.
here is your new high tech watch!" and then handing the 2 suitcases
over as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"
Cartoon Law I
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Cartoon Law X
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated
that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation
of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized)
and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated
by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment
B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said
quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and
energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a ringing sound. The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag, pulls out his cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office. "Very important to be in touch these days," he says. "Yes," his golfing partners agree.
A little bit later, a different ring is heard, and the American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real conversation. After the call he explains to his friends, "It's the very latest in cellular technology--a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You can't even tell I have it on."
A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard, and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins talking, again an obviously real conversation. When finished he explains, "This really is the latest in cellular technology. A speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of a front tooth. I just stand at attention to talk."
Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game. Suddenly, the Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush. After he doesn't re-appear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down with his pants around his ankles.
"Is everything okay?" asks the American.
replies the Japanese golfer, "If you could just give me a minute
here, I'm expecting a fax..."
Nov 28, 2005:
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
A rather inhibited (material science) engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunwhale from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean........??!
"Yes you can.." She breathed..
You actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?!!"
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a
“9” to get an outside line.
You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
Your company’s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of
your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the
interview when told of the starting salary.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots
Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
AND THE CLINCHERS
You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”
It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don’t have time to check so you forward it anyway.
You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.
This email might have 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom,
telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward it anyway.
Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room, Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged. Harry faced a dilemma: one part of him said he shouldn't charge the woman; the other insisted he be paid for his time.
Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service bill, which read: "Restored isolated connecting cable to primary power source. $25."
from Reader's Digest]