Whenever my kids are
having trouble at school, I like to tell them about myself when I was
a kid. I wasn't very big, I wasn't the smartest, I wasn't the best in
sports and, yes, I did get beat-up a lot. Unfortunately, that's where
the story ends, so it doesn't usually cheer them up much.
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally, the punk gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: "What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yup. I remember back when I
was young and in the Navy. I got really drunk one night in Singapore.
Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here
wondering if you were my son."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big step and they are obviously getting much closer, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to finally make love to him for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before either, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack, because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea that your father was
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
D - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
S - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
S - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
D - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
D - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
D - Where did you learn to be so smart?
From The President of the United States.
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied,
"I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five
If you love something,
set it free.
But, if it just sits
in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your
money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You
either married it or gave birth to it.
The father was distressed with his thirteen-year old son's preoccupation with breasts. The boy would repeatedly point to attractive girls and whisper: "Hey, Dad, look at the knockers on that one!"
The father finally took the boy to a psychiatrist, who assured him that just one day's intensive therapy could cure the boy. When the session was over, father and son walked several blocks to a bus stop. The boy remained silent as they passed a number of pretty girls.
As they boarded the
bus, the father was inwardly complimenting the psychiatrist. Then his
son tugged at his sleeve and whispered: "Hey, Dad, look at the ass
on the bus driver!"
One night Jennifer brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
the daughter, "if he weren't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours
of community service?"
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went,
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.
When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
the husband responded, "we could vacuum."
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his
hand in my pocket?"
Phil goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," Phil replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Jerry told Brian.
Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Jerry stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother took Jerry
by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your
father, grand-father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You
were born in July."
One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.
Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm
not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Martin has just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
comes Dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
"What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked little Mary's mother.
Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied.
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!," the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense
to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the
way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway
was ready for him."
moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for
a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious
host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
can I ask you something?"
My son had
just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex.
To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk
on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.
"Here's something that will really make you feel grown up," said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own phone bill."
boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling
a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my
parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
A young college
co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!"
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
When my brother was about 20 years old and going to college in Portland, Oregon, he used to call our parents in Long Beach, California every time he needed money. He also use to take a bus every chance he would get to come home for the week ends, with the support of our parents.
One night he called from Porland and ask our mother if they would send him some extra money to fly home, since he was getting tired of the buses. When our father heard this he yelled from across the room, "Tell him to stick a feather up his butt and fly home!"
My brother said, "What did Dad say?"
answered, "He said, you'll have to take the bus home, dear."
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street.
As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on."
looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
you said he's 13?"
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end
of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along
with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!