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Happiness
Is Seeing Lubbock, Texas in the Rearview Mirror.
Getting on the Bus in a Very Tight Miniskirt In
a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting
for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching
tight leather jacket and boots. Two
guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver
rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the
stick. This just in: The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drives and pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the
state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!" (Except
George W., who won't admit using alcohol) A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds. "Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes
a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt
sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." State Capitol,
Texas Presidential candidate G.W. Bush prides himself on presiding over
121 executions with perfect oversight. State representative Tim Moor wanted
to show how careful the legislative process was in the state. He sponsored
a bill praising Albert Salvo, a man whose "unconventional techniques
involving population control and applied psychology" had already
been noted by the state of Massachusetts. The Texas politicians, never
wanting to be outdone by any state, unanimously passed a resolution praising
Albert Salvo. Salvo is better known as The Boston Strangler. A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw,
thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the
ears 'til she gets the hang of it. The
Price of a Blow Job in Texas
Back in the good ol'
days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were
three people in a stagecoach one day: A true red-blooded born-and-raised
Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful
and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept
eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman
looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on
the spot. The lady gasped and
said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan
holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna
raise the price of women in Texas!" May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Trees and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though, got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20 I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat! July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state. Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!! Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two #@*& darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat. Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th: Worst day
of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon
rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The
Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving back to California where all you have to worry
about is earthquakes. ...life in America's fifth largest city
A visitor to Texas
once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" You've Come to the Right Place Talk about
having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I went into this
place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse." Why is Texas officially
changing its name to Tex? Q. Why did the chicken
cross the road? A couple
of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban A
large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier
is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends
10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out
and continues for a few minutes, then silence. An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants. A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back. "Wow,"
said a diner who had been watching from the next table. A major network is planning the show "Survivor 44" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will
be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay,
I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." You Know You Are In Texas In July... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows
are giving evaporated milk. Bless this
house, oh Lord, we cry. Bless the
walls where termites dine, Bless our
yard where spiders pass Bless the
garage, a home to please Bless the
love bugs, two by two, Millions
of creatures that fly or crawl, But this
is home, and here we'll stay, DFW Metroplex Barbie Editions Available Highland
Park Barbie: Pleasant
Grove Barbie: Plano Barbie: Mesquite
Barbie: North Dallas
Barbie: Richardson
Barbie: Deep Ellum
Barbie: Fort Worth
Barbie:
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