Travel-Related Humor

 

 

 

In-Flight Announcements
Travel Advisory for France
A Little Accident on Flight 293
The Flasher
A Spanish Delicacy
On the Wrong Plane
Lost Cookies on Flight 502 
A Curmudgeon Travels to Ireland 
Getting Permission to Bring His Dog 
The Trip to Rome 
Hog Gets Loose in First Class 
Rules of the Air for Pilots 
A Really Irate Ground Controller Lashes Out 
An Argument on a London Train 
Fred Just Won't Ask Directions 
Tell the Pilot His Turn Signal's On 
Getting Some Color on a Rainy Day 
Admiring an Alligator Teeth Necklace 
We've Already Notified our Caterers 
Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations
Excuse Me. This is My Stop
Last Chance for $1.25 Gas
We Never Close Canada
It's Some Dumb Glacier
Is it a Malibu or a Chevelle?
Holding at 3000 Over Heli-Pad 1
Two Pilots you may not want to fly with...
True Stories 4/28/2003
How to handle a Bad Situation
An Outrageous Hotel Bill
One-Liners 6/2/2003
Careful What You Say Around an Open Mic
The Gay Flight Attendant 
The Captain's Plans Become Public Knowledge 
Send My Green Suitcase to Hawaii and... 
Touring a European Castle 
Don't Hijack a Flight in Mongolia 
What's the Mistletoe For? 
A Cruise for the Deceased -- and You 
Missing His Stop in Buffalo  
But This is Yesterday's Flight 
She Swears He Died of Seasickness 
It Helps to Speak the Language 
Looking for Volunteers to Give Up Their Seats
Diary of a Young Woman on a Cruise Ship 
Stewardess Thwarts Hijacker
Keeping the Fasten Seat Belts Sign On
Delta's Big Promotion Backfires
Qantas Mainentance Reports
Not Enough Dinners
The Difference Between a Tub and a Shower
Underpaying a Hotel Bill

In-Flight Announcements


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
bullet "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
bullet "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
bullet "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
bullet Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
bullet And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
bullet As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing". Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
bullet As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
bullet After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
bullet From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
bullet Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
bullet "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
bullet Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
bullet "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
bullet "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
bullet "Last one off the plane must clean it."
bullet Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
bullet Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
bullet An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
bullet After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
bullet Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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Two Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

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True Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents about their actual experiences (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography):

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A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

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I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me: "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: Click.

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A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana, which has the postal zip code LA. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed.

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A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

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I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

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Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

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A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast and she bought that!

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A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute, while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

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I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

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A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

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A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.

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I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.

Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

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LOS ANGELES, CA - Flying coach can be stressful, just ask California residents Thomas Kasper and Susan Callihan who assaulted two flight attendants and attempted to break into the cockpit of their plane when they were refused an upgrade to first-class. Kasper was not to be satisfied with simple assault, however, and in what may have been a poetic gesture grabbed two coffee pots from the galley and brandished them as weapons. One of the crew members suffered a second-degree burn on the hand.

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A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card?"

The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."

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Two American women stopping at the Hotel in Lisbon wanted another chair in their room. The steward who answered their ring could not understand English.

One of the women pointed to the only chair in the room, then tried pantomime, seating herself in an imaginary chair.

With a knowing smile, the steward bowed and motioned for her to follow him. At the end of the corridor, he stopped, smiled, and bowed again, and pointed triumphantly to the door of the Ladies Room.

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I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

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It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

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While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

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My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

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Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

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Recently my husband and I were in that "waiting to board" time at the Las Vegas airport when one of the gate agents made an announcement. "Attention in the gate area - a hearing aid has been turned in - it was found on the men's room floor. If you've lost your hearing aid...and can hear this announcement, please come on up and claim it here at the desk." Everybody cracked up.

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After booking my 80-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?"

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Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"


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Travel Advisory for France


The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Caution: The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach

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How to handle a Bad Situation

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
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A Little Accident on Flight 293

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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The Flasher

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I wanted to see your ticket, not your stub."
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An Outrageous Hotel Bill

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"
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A Spanish Delicacy

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a ay of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
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One-Liners

"Shall I bring you your lunch on deck, sir?" asked the cruise ship steward.
"No," replied the queasy passenger, "just throw it overboard and save us both some time."

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell

"What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!" - Bessie and Beulah

If it weren't for airlines, we'd be up to our necks in honey-roasted peanuts.

"What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?" complained an irate passenger to the railroad engineer.
"How would we know the trains were late, if we didn't have a schedule?" replied the engineer.


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On the Wrong Plane

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.

We were then told a new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the following announcement:

"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
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Careful What You Say Around an Open Mic

WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, MI - All someone said was "Hi, Jack!" but at a suburban Detroit airport, that was enough to create a crisis. A microphone happened to be open Monday when someone greeted the co-pilot aboard a corporate jet, and the tower heard "hijack," police Lt. Rick Crigger said. Oakland International Airport tower officials called the Waterford police, who in turn called in a whole extra shift of police, the Oakland County Sheriff's Department SWAT team, the FBI and other federal authorities, Crigger said. The plane was told to return to the tower, and the pilot's identification was checked. Once the alarm was over, the law officers could laugh about it.
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Lost Cookies on Flight 502

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the P.A. system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
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The Gay Flight Attendant

The plane's passengers were being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to a woman seated on the aisle, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll land this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put your trays up that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

The flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen. That means I outrank you. Put the tray up, bitch.
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A Curmudgeon Travels to Ireland

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone, "the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
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The Captain's Plans Become Public Knowledge

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try to get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dearie, he's gotta take a shit first".
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Getting Permission to Bring His Dog

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.  And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.  Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"
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Send My Green Suitcase to Hawaii and...

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
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The Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"
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Touring a European Castle

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
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Hog Gets Loose in First Class

30,000 FT. ABOVE SEATTLE - Someone at USAirways is getting sacked over this one. Two women flying from Philadelphia to Seattle managed to get their 200 pound hog through Philadelphia International Airport and onto the first-class section of their flight. How did they manage this? By flashing a doctor's note to convince the ground crew that their 200 pound hog was a service animal [kind of like a seeing-eye pig]. "You can't believe how that dang pig squealed," commented one passenger. As the plane approached Seattle the pig charged through the aisles and attempted to break into the cockpit, according to a USAirways report. The FAA is focusing on whether the pig was a flight safety hazard.
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Don't Hijack a Flight in Mongolia

The folks in Asia take their air travel seriously. When an unidentified perpetrator attempted to hijack a plane in the middle of a flight from Mongolia-to-Beijing, the crew and passengers united to subdue their attacker. China's Xinhua Airlines reported that the hijacker had been beaten to death by passengers using a cell phone.
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Rules of the Air for Pilots

1. Every takeoff is optional.  Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.  That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, in which case they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No none has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.

12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round  and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

17. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.

18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end  going forward as much as possible.

19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's a law that is not subject to repeal.

21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
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What's the Mistletoe For?

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.

Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"

"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

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A Really Irate Ground Controller Lashes Out

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta.  Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."  The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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A Cruise for the Deceased -- and You

Miami - The Norwegian Sky Cruise Ship is featuring a weeklong NowAge 2000 healing cruise leaving from Miami in March. The cruise features Suzane Northrop, author of The Seance: Healing Messages From The Beyond who specializes in talking to the dead. So far more than 200 passengers have signed up hoping to get in touch with lost loved ones. Cost: $1,300 to $1,775 per person. Northrop said she began receiving in-the-flesh visits from her grandmother and other deceased souls when she was a girl. Organizers of the cruise know that other passengers on the ship may not be thrilled to be on their Caribbean getaway with healers, mediums and channelers. "Tough luck," said Cindy Clifford, whose travel agency Gotta Go Cruises is the booking agent.
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An Argument on a London Train

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."
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Missing His Stop in Buffalo

A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo."

The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.

After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?"

"That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy who I put off in Buffalo!"
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Fred Just Won't Ask Directions

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the man said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

"Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" his wife cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous.  Fred simply will not ask for directions."

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But This is Yesterday's Flight

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant. "Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am." "Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight." 
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Tell the Pilot His Turn Signal's On

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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She Swears He Died of Seasickness

"I went on holiday a couple of years ago on a cruse," Jane said to Mary, "It was really rough, someone died of sea-sickness."

"That's impossible," Mary said, "You can't die of seasickness no matter how much you might want to."

"Oh yes, you can," Jane said, "Someone was throwing up over the side and he fell in."
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Getting Some Color on a Rainy Day

It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way.

"I've been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color," he said.  "And I'm going to get it - even if it's blue."
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It Helps to Speak the Language

A few years ago I went to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that enough Germans would speak English so that I could at least get around. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I just nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
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Admiring an Alligator Teeth Necklace

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Wow! It Just Missed The Highway

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"


We've Already Notified our Caterers

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."


Looking for Volunteers to Give Up Their Seats

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

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Diary of a Young Woman on a Cruise Ship

Dear Diary,

MONDAY:  What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY:  I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY:  The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY:  Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY:  This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
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Are You Gay?

An employee of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am."

The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this (and was rather amused) jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake. I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too. They can't throw us all off!"
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Stewardess Thwarts Hijacker

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed,  Iraqi hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm going to spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm going to spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."  The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you.  Those other two guys have no sense of direction.  Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq.  So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."  No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear.  He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.  The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.  "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs!"
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Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard. I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles." If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings." "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!"

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"
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Excuse Me. This is My Stop

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said," go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
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Keeping the Fasten Seat Belts Sign On

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
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Last Chance for $1.25 Gas

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank at $1.25.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendant replied, "$1.10."
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Delta's Big Promotion Backfires

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
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We Never Close Canada

Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.

At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?"

"Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."
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Qantas Mainentance Reports

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never crashed.

P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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It's Some Dumb Glacier

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."
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Not Enough Dinners

An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced:
"I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
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Is it a Malibu or a Chevelle?

It was a nice day out, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
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Holding at 3000 Over Heli-Pad 1

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"
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The Difference Between a Tub and a Shower

When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub.

"What's the difference?" I asked.

"Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."
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Underpaying a Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use this logic!

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."

 



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