One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" The following
are actual stories told by travel agents about their actual experiences
(and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of
the world on geography): A client
called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the
cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call
from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me: "I'm
not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response:
Click. A secretary
called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names
off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list.
To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana, which
has the postal zip code LA. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles and
that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her
back, she wasn't even embarrassed. A man called,
furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried
to explain that that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state." I got a call
from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." Another man
called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the
reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas. When I asked
him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big
airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady
just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from
Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain
that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand
the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast
and she bought that! A woman called
and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag
so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight.
Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute,
while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back
and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline
was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got
off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to
get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have
numbers on them." A woman called
and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
"Yeah, whatever." A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express. ============================ I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! ============================ LOS ANGELES, CA - Flying coach can be stressful, just ask California residents Thomas Kasper and Susan Callihan who assaulted two flight attendants and attempted to break into the cockpit of their plane when they were refused an upgrade to first-class. Kasper was not to be satisfied with simple assault, however, and in what may have been a poetic gesture grabbed two coffee pots from the galley and brandished them as weapons. One of the crew members suffered a second-degree burn on the hand. ============================ A customer
called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit
card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as
it appears on the card?" ============================ Two American
women stopping at the Hotel in Lisbon wanted another chair in their room.
The steward who answered their ring could not understand English. ============================ I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click. ============================ It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. ============================ While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained. ============================ My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled,
"When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either." ============================ Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." ============================ Recently
my husband and I were in that "waiting to board" time at the
Las Vegas airport when one of the gate agents made an announcement. "Attention
in the gate area - a hearing aid has been turned in - it was found on
the men's room floor. If you've lost your hearing aid...and can hear this
announcement, please come on up and claim it here at the desk." Everybody
cracked up. After booking my 80-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?" ============================ Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well,"
said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated
as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was
cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. A Little Accident on Flight 293 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing
a beat she said, "Sir, I wanted to see your ticket, not your stub." A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night." The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" "Yes,"
says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!" An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a ay of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter
shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull
wins. "Shall I bring
you your lunch on deck, sir?" asked the cruise ship steward. "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell "What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!" - Bessie and Beulah If it weren't for airlines, we'd be up to our necks in honey-roasted peanuts. "What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always
late?" complained an irate passenger to the railroad engineer. During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told a new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the following announcement: "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time." A very confused-looking
and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry,"
he said, "wrong plane." Careful What You Say Around an Open Mic WATERFORD
TOWNSHIP, MI - All someone said was "Hi, Jack!" but at a suburban
Detroit airport, that was enough to create a crisis. A microphone happened
to be open Monday when someone greeted the co-pilot aboard a corporate
jet, and the tower heard "hijack," police Lt. Rick Crigger said.
Oakland International Airport tower officials called the Waterford police,
who in turn called in a whole extra shift of police, the Oakland County
Sheriff's Department SWAT team, the FBI and other federal authorities,
Crigger said. The plane was told to return to the tower, and the pilot's
identification was checked. Once the alarm was over, the law officers
could laugh about it. After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this
announcement came over the P.A. system in the concourse: "Would the
passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?" The plane's passengers were being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to a woman seated on the aisle, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll land this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put your trays up that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant
replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen.
That means I outrank you. Put the tray up, bitch. A Curmudgeon Travels to Ireland A group of Americans
was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon,
constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The Captain's Plans Become Public Knowledge A jumbo jet is just
coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes
on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent
into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope
you enjoy your stay in Toronto." Getting Permission to Bring His Dog A man wrote a letter
to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. Send My Green Suitcase to Hawaii and... A student was heading
home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented
her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the
remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my
red suitcase to London." A man was getting
a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber
who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
& dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" A group of American
tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. 30,000 FT. ABOVE SEATTLE
- Someone at USAirways is getting sacked over this one. Two women flying
from Philadelphia to Seattle managed to get their 200 pound hog through
Philadelphia International Airport and onto the first-class section of
their flight. How did they manage this? By flashing a doctor's note to
convince the ground crew that their 200 pound hog was a service animal
[kind of like a seeing-eye pig]. "You can't believe how that dang
pig squealed," commented one passenger. As the plane approached Seattle
the pig charged through the aisles and attempted to break into the cockpit,
according to a USAirways report. The FAA is focusing on whether the pig
was a flight safety hazard. Don't Hijack a Flight in Mongolia The folks in Asia
take their air travel seriously. When an unidentified perpetrator attempted
to hijack a plane in the middle of a flight from Mongolia-to-Beijing,
the crew and passengers united to subdue their attacker. China's Xinhua
Airlines reported that the hijacker had been beaten to death by passengers
using a cell phone. 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, in which case they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No none has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made. 12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 17. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement. 18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a law that is not subject to repeal. 21. The three most
useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind
you and a tenth of a second ago. The
weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging
above the luggage at the check-in counter. A Really Irate Ground Controller Lashes Out During
taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller
(a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told
you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on
"Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the
difference between C's & D's, but get it right!" A Cruise for the Deceased -- and You Miami -
The Norwegian Sky Cruise Ship is featuring a weeklong NowAge 2000 healing
cruise leaving from Miami in March. The cruise features Suzane Northrop,
author of The Seance: Healing Messages From The Beyond who specializes
in talking to the dead. So far more than 200 passengers have signed up
hoping to get in touch with lost loved ones. Cost: $1,300 to $1,775 per
person. Northrop said she began receiving in-the-flesh visits from her
grandmother and other deceased souls when she was a girl. Organizers of
the cruise know that other passengers on the ship may not be thrilled
to be on their Caribbean getaway with healers, mediums and channelers.
"Tough luck," said Cindy Clifford, whose travel agency Gotta
Go Cruises is the booking agent. A man was
sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the
heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had
gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would
you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch." A big executive
boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm
a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for
the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get
off in Buffalo." Fred Just Won't Ask Directions A
couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds
as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But
didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" But This is Yesterday's Flight The passengers
were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger
paused to congratulate the flight attendant. "Stewardess," he
said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially
the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline
gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to
call your home office and let them know how pleased I am." "Why,
thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think
you should know--this is yesterday's flight." Tell the Pilot His Turn Signal's On On a recent
flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was
totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally,
she rang for the flight attendant. She Swears He Died of Seasickness "I
went on holiday a couple of years ago on a cruse," Jane said to Mary,
"It was really rough, someone died of sea-sickness." Getting Some Color on a Rainy Day It was cold
and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation,
but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man
in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him
and asked why he was punishing himself that way. It Helps to Speak the Language A few years
ago I went to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed
that enough Germans would speak English so that I could at least get around.
But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including
the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted
cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I just nodded from
time to time to show him that I was interested. Admiring an Alligator Teeth Necklace A tourist
was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made
of?" she asked. Wow! It Just Missed The Highway As a Delta
Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was
providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over
the PA system. We've Already Notified our Caterers Tower: "Eastern
702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7." Looking for Volunteers to Give Up Their Seats On the way
back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced
that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers
to give up their seats. Diary
of a Young Woman on a Cruise Ship An employee
of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free
travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed
he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. A
cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
door burst open to reveal an armed, Iraqi hijacker to a startled
pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations "Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard. I see you've already ejected." "Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna." "About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles." If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor." "You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head." "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace." "Don't anybody maintain anything." "Climb like your life depends on it...because it does." "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings." "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!" Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1." Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!" There was a brief moment of silence. First voice
again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!" While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop." Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said," go ahead." "And this is my pole," he said. My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store." And with
that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus. Keeping the Fasten Seat Belts Sign On Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In
back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?" A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank at $1.25. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The attendant
replied, "$1.10." Delta's Big Promotion Backfires Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses
are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States. At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?" "Any
time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada." Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never crashed. P = the problem
the pilots entered in the log. P: Test flight
OK, except auto-land very rough. P: Something
loose in cockpit. P: Dead bugs
on windshield. P: Autopilot
in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. P: Evidence
of leak on right main landing gear. P: DME volume
unbelievably loud. P: Friction
locks cause throttle levers to stick. P: IFF inoperative. P: Suspected
crack in windscreen. P: Aircraft
handles funny. P: Radar
hums. P: Mouse
in cockpit. On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called. "It's some dumb glacier," he replied. Disappointed
by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated
our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as
he had said, "Sumdum Glacier." An attendant
on a cross-country flight nervously announced: Her next
announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind,
we still have 29 dinners available!" It was a nice day out, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105
(in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle." Holding at 3000 Over Heli-Pad 1 Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1." Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!" There was a brief moment of silence. First voice
again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!" The Difference Between a Tub and a Shower When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub. "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well,
sir, in a tub, you can sit down." Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use this logic! A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100." "That's
right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with
my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well,"
the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."
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