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Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their moral sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all
of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted
development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting
firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.
"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."
"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
says, "I told you I was sick."
listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
Windows, that is ... PCs.. workstations..
first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
Intel, that is... Pentium.. big amusement park...
On his first
day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
rolled by and things were looking bad.
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life.
to years and his hair was turning grey.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral
of the story is listen to what you're told,
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
come back now...ya hear!
1.In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
2.In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3.In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
5.In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7.In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
8.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
9.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10.In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
And the number one sign you're suffering from Burnout ....
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets....
Zeke tells Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll get the idea." After Zeb is strapped in he jumps, falling almost all they way to the ground before springing back.
As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all torn and wondered what this is was all about.
Zeb went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does, and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow...what's going on here? Is the cord too short? Is he touching ground?
Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he sprung back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. "Huh?"
pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned out
in obvious pain, "I don't know... but what's a pinata?
Thank you for your letter dated April 17, 1997. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck rejecting future candidates.
There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they.
The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No."
ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"
there were these two guys working on the Golden Gate Bridge. It was really
cold and noisy, so both were wearing ear covers.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him
that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small
boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the
Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch
the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and this is what I wrote:
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
S.D. - Project Leader
Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note:
bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent
to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5,
etc.) for my true assessment.
A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young
man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.
Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the
Two young engineers applied for one position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question
#5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four monkeys
that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs,
or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After
replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which
have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no
monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way
it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins...
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
One day an employee arrived late with one eye closed, his arm in a sling and his clothes in tatters.
"It's 9:30," pointed out the boss, "you were supposed to be here at 8:30!"
"I got mugged coming out of the subway." said the man.
"And that took
you a whole hour?"
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a-brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure...
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper
who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and called him into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."
the next thing I want to tell you is..."
1. Ahhh...I see the
fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted
somebody with imagination."
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. Disgusted by the young man's laziness, the owner walks up to him and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies, "150 dollars."
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him he's fired and to never come back.
A few minutes later,
the shipping clerk comes out of his office and sees the owner, "Oh,
good morning sir. Have you seen that delivery boy? I asked him to wait
here for me!"
A strong, broad-shouldered young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached
out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young
man, he said, "All right, get in."
The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied,
"As Much as Possible!"
TO: All Employees
DATE: February 28, 2000
It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps
I can work late.
TRY SAYING: I'm certain
that isn't feasible.
TRY SAYING: Really?
TRY SAYING: Perhaps
you should check with...
TRY SAYING: Of course
TRY SAYING: I wasn't
involved in the project.
TRY SAYING: That's
TRY SAYING: I'm not
sure this can be implemented.
TRY SAYING: I'll try
to schedule that.
TRY SAYING: Are you
sure this is a problem?
TRY SAYING: He's not
familiar with the issues.
TRY SAYING: Excuse
TRY SAYING: So you
weren't happy with it?
TRY SAYING: I'm a
bit overloaded at the moment.
TRY SAYING: I don't
think you understand.
TRY SAYING: I love
TRY SAYING: I see.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we
really should discuss it.
TRY SAYING: I don't
think this will be a problem.
1) Ask people what sex they are.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your
e mail address be:
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
16) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
And last, but not least:
17) Send this e-mail
to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when
he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the
sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.
he said, "it does!"
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!" "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's
great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."