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"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."
"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs. Smith explained
brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply,
A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent
the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections
manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order.
We can't wait that long."
Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what
when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.
That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message.
I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number
of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One
way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes
too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a
that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you
are a hardworking employee in high demand.
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor,
in Tower One, of the World Trade Center. One of our insured who was washing
a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check
as he passed our floor."
for Your Job Position
THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:
was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for
some mathematical help.
he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of
forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke
when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed
that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
True Purpose of Holidays
told me at the blood bank this might happen."
Why did the
executive hire the prostitute to be his secretary?
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." - A.H. Weiler
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
The factory of the
future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there
to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." - A.H. Weiler
Joe: I see you've
lost weight since you started your new job. Did your boss put you on a
A husband comes home
on payday and hands his wife an empty pay envelope. She says, "What
"I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know...there are three other companies after me."
that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after
this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.
Q: What is the difference
between a good secretary and an excellent one?
of a large corporation announced in his directors meeting, "All those
who are opposed to the plan I have just proposed please reply by saying,
The personnel director
was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate
offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and
well spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow
couldn't seem to stop winking.
For thirty years,
Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a
day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M.
passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased
and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into
Sung to the tune of
"American Pie" by Don McLean:
A man went
to see an old friend of his who was an executive with a large corporation.
Pulling out all the stops, the visitor said, "I'm at my wits end.
I'm ready to kill myself. I haven't got money to feed my kids. My wife
needs an operation and I haven't a penny for it. The house is going into
vet goes and takes his civil service exam for the Post Office and he winds
up at the interview. While there the interviewer notes that the guy scored
99% on the test, is a Vietnam vet, and was injured in the line of duty.
Automatically this qualifies the guy for a job.
worker from Post Office was sorting through her regular envelopes, when
she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal
The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness
pretty young secretary had been transferred to the company's Dallas office.
six months on the job, the board of directors of a major corporation voted
to remove the CEO, who had cost the company millions of dollars. So vitriolic
was the dismissal, in fact, that the press release was unusually candid:
got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
boss I no come to work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache
and my legs hurt.... I no come to work."
was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he
would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back
and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half
a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around
to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this
here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources.
"Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
Cannibals Are Hired as Engineers
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?"
A hand raises hesitantly,
to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks
we've been eating Team Leaders, Task Leaders and Project Managers so no
one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaning lady!"
A guy came
home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great
job. A 10 am start, 2 pm finish, no over-time, no weekends and it pays
$600 a week!"
A man comes
home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little
girl asks, "Why do you call your secretary a doll?" Feeling
his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary
is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she
knows the computer system and is very efficient."
a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one
employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack
or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their
reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the
situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but
he understood the boss's situation.
young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her
figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned
her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.
laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I'."
I guess some things will never change. I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn.
The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
My boss is so sex-crazed. Every time he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.
I must LOAD
UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE
and then the A DRIVE. Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside
my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS
Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.
Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started pressing @ BACKSPACE, and said, "TURNOVER"
a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet")
and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses
his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS
may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM ...
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming, "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeaahhh!"
The guy says,
"Oops! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
A site foreman, displeased with the motivation of the men working for him, decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest person here," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
much trouble," came the reply.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron-deficient blood, lack of vitamins, drinking too much and a dozen other reasons.
But now I found out the real reason I'm tired -- because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are, on average, 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
sitting there screwin' around surfing the web!
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are
not covered under this plan.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo (a cuddly toy which laughs when tickled) factory. The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
Manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself
together, walks over to the woman and says "I am sorry, I guess you
misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give Elmo two test
The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was interviewing people for a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.
So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put customers off."
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for yourself, I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.
The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.
"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a minute.
"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all."
"No fear. I'm a happily married man."
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"
simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy, and
ask for a packet of aspirins?"
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the 'Sahara Forest'," replied the puny man.
"You mean the 'Sahara Desert'," said the lumberjack.
man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here,
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
Now give me back my dog".
This Vietnam vet goes and takes his civil service exam for the Post Office and he winds up at the interview. While there the interviewer notes that the guy scored 99% on the test, is a Vietnam vet, and was injured in the line of duty. Automatically this qualifies the guy for a job.
So the interviewer tells the guy he got the job and then asks what the injury was. "I got my balls shot off," says the guy. So then the interviewer says "Ok, well your workday starts at 9:00AM".
This perplexes the guy and he asks why he can come in at 9:00 when everyone else comes in at 7:30.
for the first hour and a half, we all stand around scratching our balls!"
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." ; She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
I sat...on the couch..........naked.
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m.,
the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the
bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Lesson Number Two
was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
Lesson Number Three
A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ... And ate ... and then ... she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly...
off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"A ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"
talkin' to him," said the farmer.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want
and do it.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
An American company and a Japanese company decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they both felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a half a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: a steering director, three departmental steering managers, three steering sub-managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation fired the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a 25% bonus for discovering the problem.